Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[pierrotlunaire0]

LazyDaisy, I'm glad you got freeof that, but it just hit me that your friend was denying herself all kinds of enjoyment for the thrill she got out of controlling you.  That is a sad commentary on her.

[LazyDaisy]

She had good qualities too and the friendship survived this little bump. She had always had small control issues but I'm pretty flexible and go-with-the-flow so it worked for us -- until it got out of hand. She loves to make plans, all of the build-up excitement and imagining, but when it comes to the actual time to do it, reality is kind of a let down. She's a "grass is always greener on the other side" person. So she'd make plans, build them up in her mind, then panic because it might not be as she imagined and want to cancel so she wouldn't be disappointed and could continue to imagine it. It's controlling but not malicious -- she wasn't trying to hurt me but wasn't thinking beyond herself.

When I started doing things with or without her, she made following through more of a priority and that solved the problem without a big fight. Although she is still cancels occasionally, I pick my battles.

[snowflake]

The college PA reminded me of someone I knew who lived in the same suite as I in my freshman and sophomore years.  (our dorm had 4 suites on each floor, with each suit having 5 rooms that shared one bathroom.   

This girl had a lot of bitterness and was just generally unpleasant.  She was a know it all, superior, and she was convinced that the only reason guys weren't interested her was because she was overweight. Nope, not really.  It was her attitude, completely.  She also liked to put men down...then wonder why they weren't interested.

She'd say "Men don't like me, they think I'm too fat!" Expecting of course for people to say "oh you're not too fat, they just don't know what they're missing!" I was too nice at the time to come out and say "Nope, there are plenty of women on campus your size who have boyfriends. It's your attitude." No one answered and of course that meant she'd just go on and on.   

I think maybe I knew her?  I had a friend like this in my dorms.  She was MAYBE a size 14, so not obese, just a little "fluffy."  Of course this was always a hint to invite her along on our dates.  Um, no.  Not going to happen.  But it still drove me nuts that she expected me to invite her to an activity that someone else had invited me to with the expectation of alone time.  Of course, she claimed my boyfriends were "cheap" if I ever paid for a date (Because apparently she didn't believe that I though that was fair that we take turns.)  So she assumed I'd invite her along AND they'd pay for her.  She also regularly would put down our dates to their faces and tell them why she wouldn't date them.  Yeah, with all that fishing for compliments and invitations she could sure dish-out dirt straight foward enough!

There was one time after a particularly annoying whine period when I said, "No, Eric thought you were cute.  But he decided not to ask you out because he thinks you're too catty."

Yeah, like I said I HAD a friend like that in my dorms.  Probably not my finest moment but she at least got to hear a compliment about herself. 

[Piratelvr1121]

I don't know what the girl's size was, as I'm honestly an awful judge of sizes, but I think this girl would have been considered obese and just could be real snotty.She'd commiserate with you if you were single too, which I was for my first semester but then started dating in the spring and heard all sorts of comments from her about my choice of men.

[Piratelvr1121]

I think I've shared this before but it fits here too. 

A guy DH and I were friends with in college used to do this to his wife a lot.  One example I remember well, because he was such a jerk about it, was when we were trying to decide what kind of pizza we wanted and she was really in the mood for Pizza Hut.   

Friend: I'd like Pizza Hut, but I know how you feel about them. (he got fired)
Her STBX (HSTBX): No, if you want PH, we can get PH
Friend: Are you sure? I know you don't like going there after how they treated you.   (knowing his work ethic, he probably earned it)
HSTBX: No no, if that's what you want, we can have PH

Tired of the back and forth DH and I said "Pizza Hut it is!" and went to the closest one.

The whole time HSTBX sulked and whined that she would choose Pizza Hut when she knew how he felt about it. 

[Virg]

Piratelvr1121, I think they both get a vote on this one.  Your friend's STBX was pouty and PA about it after the pizza was bought, but to be honest her initial sentence was also PA, because she knew how he felt about Pizza Hut but said it in such a way as to dump it on him to refuse, hoping that he'd capitulate (which he did).  She should have just said that she really wanted Pizza Hut and taken her lumps for it.  In this particular case I think HSTBX had a point that she should have known it would bother him, and if she was really worried about his feelings she'd have just not suggested it in the first place.

Virg

[Shalamar]

Speaking of restaurants, I remember when my grandmother was alive - she'd always deliberately order the cheapest thing on the menu and then complain about it.   My parents (who were paying) would beg her to order what she wanted to eat as opposed to the cheapest thing, but noooo!

[Piratelvr1121]

I dunno, I compare it to if they wanted to watch two different movies, one that they both would like and one that only she would like.  She'd honestly say "Well I'd like to see that one, but let's see the one we'd both enjoy."  He'd say "No, we'll go see the one you want to see!" She'd argue she could just see that one by herself another time (which she honestly liked doing and he knows it) or with me and he'd say "No no, we're going to see what you want to see."

Then after they'd see it he'd whine that she MADE him go see it. 

[BarensMom]

I know I have told this one before:

When going out to dinner with the family, my father would never order dessert for himself.  While everyone else would be eating their dessert, he would look intently from one to the other at every bite until one of us would crack and say, "Oh, here, just take it."  The first time we went to a restaurant with Mom and Pop, Pop tried it on DH.  DH was oblivious, and, in spite of my father watching every bite he took, finished his dessert.  DH later asked me why Pop was staring at him.

We never did break Pop of this habit, but he never tried it again with DH.

[JenJay]

I know I have told this one before:

When going out to dinner with the family, my father would never order dessert for himself.  While everyone else would be eating their dessert, he would look intently from one to the other at every bite until one of us would crack and say, "Oh, here, just take it."  The first time we went to a restaurant with Mom and Pop, Pop tried it on DH.  DH was oblivious, and, in spite of my father watching every bite he took, finished his dessert.  DH later asked me why Pop was staring at him.

We never did break Pop of this habit, but he never tried it again with DH.

Somebody should have given your dad their dessert and then flagged down the server and ordered another one for themself. 

[BarensMom]

I know I have told this one before:

When going out to dinner with the family, my father would never order dessert for himself.  While everyone else would be eating their dessert, he would look intently from one to the other at every bite until one of us would crack and say, "Oh, here, just take it."  The first time we went to a restaurant with Mom and Pop, Pop tried it on DH.  DH was oblivious, and, in spite of my father watching every bite he took, finished his dessert.  DH later asked me why Pop was staring at him.

We never did break Pop of this habit, but he never tried it again with DH.

Somebody should have given your dad their dessert and then flagged down the server and ordered another one for themself. 

Honestly, it never occurred to us to do that.  We usually would eat about half and pass the rest to Pop.  It's been 13 years and I'd give anything (including all my desserts) to see him do that one more time.

[JenJay]

I know I have told this one before:

When going out to dinner with the family, my father would never order dessert for himself.  While everyone else would be eating their dessert, he would look intently from one to the other at every bite until one of us would crack and say, "Oh, here, just take it."  The first time we went to a restaurant with Mom and Pop, Pop tried it on DH.  DH was oblivious, and, in spite of my father watching every bite he took, finished his dessert.  DH later asked me why Pop was staring at him.

We never did break Pop of this habit, but he never tried it again with DH.

Somebody should have given your dad their dessert and then flagged down the server and ordered another one for themself. 

Honestly, it never occurred to us to do that.  We usually would eat about half and pass the rest to Pop.  It's been 13 years and I'd give anything (including all my desserts) to see him do that one more time.

Sorry, I should have been more clear. I meant give him the half eaten dessert as usual and order a new whole one. I just thought it would have been fun to see him go  , but we're like that in my family. Lots of joking and giving each other a bad time - all in fun! 

[BarensMom]

I know I have told this one before:

When going out to dinner with the family, my father would never order dessert for himself.  While everyone else would be eating their dessert, he would look intently from one to the other at every bite until one of us would crack and say, "Oh, here, just take it."  The first time we went to a restaurant with Mom and Pop, Pop tried it on DH.  DH was oblivious, and, in spite of my father watching every bite he took, finished his dessert.  DH later asked me why Pop was staring at him.

We never did break Pop of this habit, but he never tried it again with DH.

Somebody should have given your dad their dessert and then flagged down the server and ordered another one for themself. 

Honestly, it never occurred to us to do that.  We usually would eat about half and pass the rest to Pop.  It's been 13 years and I'd give anything (including all my desserts) to see him do that one more time.

Sorry, I should have been more clear. I meant give him the half eaten dessert as usual and order a new whole one. I just thought it would have been fun to see him go  , but we're like that in my family. Lots of joking and giving each other a bad time - all in fun! 

He would have stared at the second one, too.  One of these days, I'll have to tell the story about my father and uncles' eating contests.  They could literally clean out a restaurant.

[Amava]

He would have stared at the second one, too.  One of these days, I'll have to tell the story about my father and uncles' eating contests.  They could literally clean out a restaurant.

Was your Pop related to my dog by any chance?   

[BarensMom]

He would have stared at the second one, too.  One of these days, I'll have to tell the story about my father and uncles' eating contests.  They could literally clean out a restaurant.

Was your Pop related to my dog by any chance?   

My father's best friend was my dog, Bear.  We always said they shared the same brain.

They used to drive around town, Bear riding shotgun and stop at Burger King.  The staff knew to prepare "the usual," two Whoppers, one with everything and one plain, two fries, a large Coke and a small water.  When they would pick my mother up from work, Bear would look at her, then look at the back seat.  People would ask me why my mother always rode in the back.  The answer:  "Bear called shotgun."

Bear died on the 14th and my father the 19th of January 2000.  I like to think of the two of them wandering around Rainbow Bridge with an endless supply of Whoppers.