Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[ica171]

It's not exactly on the same level as most of the stories here, and it's more passive than aggressive, but lately my 8yo son has decided he can get around the "don't ask for stuff while we're at the store" rule by saying "I wish I could have _____/I wish we could get ________." Depending on my mood my response runs the gamut from no acknowledgement to "Well, we're not getting ________ today" to "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride" to "Stop asking for stuff by saying you wish you could have it. That's no different than just asking for it." None of it works. Not surprisingly, since he's incredibly stubborn and has also perfected the art of selective hearing. It's also why I do my best to go to the store when he's in school.

[Piratelvr1121]

My oldest does that, like he thinks I'll get tired of him saying that and will break down and get it for him. 

[JenJay]

My kids know that gets met with "You should save up and buy it!" Kinda like when they ask "Can I have X?" and I say "I don't know, did you bring enough money?" 

[MommyPenguin]

Yeah, that's what I tell mine as well.  "Well, you can decide to save for that, sure.  Just remember, you'd have to spend the money you're saving up for the LEGO robotics set."  That usually works. 

[ica171]

He did get a Kindle Fire by saving up his money (we paid for half), but this is mostly stuff like Pop-Tarts and ice cream, with the occasional Nerf gun thrown in. I don't mind stuff like that once in a while, but if I let on that he could just buy them with his own money he'd never eat anything else!

[JenJay]

He did get a Kindle Fire by saving up his money (we paid for half), but this is mostly stuff like Pop-Tarts and ice cream, with the occasional Nerf gun thrown in. I don't mind stuff like that once in a while, but if I let on that he could just buy them with his own money he'd never eat anything else!

Good point

I can still do that with my middle and oldest because they don't actually want the thing when they find out it'll come out of their pocket. (They are savers, too. DD bought herself a Nook Color.)

My youngest, though? You give him $1 and he's looking for something that costs $1.10 and asking to borrow a dime  . I could see him doing chores for pop tart money. There's another line I use on my kids, maybe it'd work on yours. When they do the mopey "I wish" thing I say "It's important to have dreams. Maybe, if you work very hard, you can achieve that some day!"

Sarcasm is the official language of this household. We're all fluent.

[Softly Spoken]

It has been really interesting reading these stories. I was inspired to actually wiki "passive aggressive."

I recently broke up with my best friend and in the last conversation (argument) we had, she accused me of being passive aggressive. This really bothered me and I spent a lot of time trying to work out if it was true or not. After reading everyone else's stories here, I have decided that I am not a PA person by nature, just a mostly passive person who has to work on expressing herself. Like when I say "I don't care," I. really. don't. care. No ESP games, no hidden meanings, no code words, guesswork, just true. For my friend apparently that was PA. Like when I said I didn't care where we ate, she would get mad that I wouldn't choose. Maybe we could have worked things out if she had met my perceived PA with more proactive responses like PPs here did, but she chose to fight PA with PA (i.e. "Well I guess we won't get any food") and so we were doomed.

I'll admit, I may say I'm "fine" when I'm not, but it's usually because I don't know how to explain what I'm really feeling and/or I don't want to get into it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I would never say something with the expectation that I would get the opposite of what I asked for - that's like the antithesis of communication!

Isn't it funny though, how in some situations even some etiquette is PA-ish? Like if there is only one of something left, we are supposed to say "Oh no, you take it" and of course everyone says that and so no one gets it. If someone jumped in with "Okay, I'll take it" they would be considered greedy or rude for admitting they wanted it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Funny thing how so many people who talk about dying end up living forever - it's either reverse psychology or the Grim Reaper is avoiding them because he doesn't want to deal with their whining!

[yokozbornak]

It has been really interesting reading these stories. I was inspired to actually wiki "passive aggressive."

I recently broke up with my best friend and in the last conversation (argument) we had, she accused me of being passive aggressive. This really bothered me and I spent a lot of time trying to work out if it was true or not. After reading everyone else's stories here, I have decided that I am not a PA person by nature, just a mostly passive person who has to work on expressing herself. Like when I say "I don't care," I. really. don't. care. No ESP games, no hidden meanings, no code words, guesswork, just true. For my friend apparently that was PA. Like when I said I didn't care where we ate, she would get mad that I wouldn't choose. Maybe we could have worked things out if she had met my perceived PA with more proactive responses like PPs here did, but she chose to fight PA with PA (i.e. "Well I guess we won't get any food") and so we were doomed.

I'll admit, I may say I'm "fine" when I'm not, but it's usually because I don't know how to explain what I'm really feeling and/or I don't want to get into it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I would never say something with the expectation that I would get the opposite of what I asked for - that's like the antithesis of communication!

Isn't it funny though, how in some situations even some etiquette is PA-ish? Like if there is only one of something left, we are supposed to say "Oh no, you take it" and of course everyone says that and so no one gets it. If someone jumped in with "Okay, I'll take it" they would be considered greedy or rude for admitting they wanted it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Funny thing how so many people who talk about dying end up living forever - it's either reverse psychology or the Grim Reaper is avoiding them because he doesn't want to deal with their whining!

I just wanted to say that your ex-friend does sound PA, not you. 

[MariaE]

Like when I say "I don't care," I. really. don't. care. No ESP games, no hidden meanings, no code words, guesswork, just true.

In Danish, "I don't care" is literally "I'm equally happy" (as in, "I'm equally happy with either option"). Unfortunately, some people think it 'clever' to reply "Equally happy means never happy!" No. It doesn't. Equally happy means I'm happy either way.

My childhood best friend use to say that all the time. It frustrated me to no end.

[Yvaine]

Funny thing how so many people who talk about dying end up living forever - it's either reverse psychology or the Grim Reaper is avoiding them because he doesn't want to deal with their whining!

 

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

Funny thing how so many people who talk about dying end up living forever - it's either reverse psychology or the Grim Reaper is avoiding them because he doesn't want to deal with their whining!

 

One of my friends had a grandmother who was the queen of PA, and had been going through the whole "I might be dying tomorrow" rigamarole for over 20 years.  Her relatives usually just rolled their eyes and ignored her whenever she went into this mode.  Eventually the grandmother did die the day after a holiday (forgot which one) when she was over 90 years old.  My friend told me that her brother's reaction when finding out the news was, "Well, she is finally right.  She must be enjoying bragging about that down below."   

[Allyson]

On the 'I don't care' thing. When one person never chooses, even they honestly *don't* care, it can still be frustrating for the 'chooser'. I have had friendships like that, where the other person honestly never has a preference, or at least never expresses such. I still wish once in awhile I got to be the one who didn't have to choose! Even just me saying 'Do you want A or B' because I like both equally the other person could pick one or the other based on random chance if they want.

[gramma dishes]

...   

Funny thing how so many people who talk about dying end up living forever - it's either reverse psychology or the Grim Reaper is avoiding them because he doesn't want to deal with their whining!

My mother used to say of such people "The Good Lord doesn't want him and the Devil's afraid he'll take over!!"

[amylouky]

It's not exactly on the same level as most of the stories here, and it's more passive than aggressive, but lately my 8yo son has decided he can get around the "don't ask for stuff while we're at the store" rule by saying "I wish I could have _____/I wish we could get ________." Depending on my mood my response runs the gamut from no acknowledgement to "Well, we're not getting ________ today" to "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride" to "Stop asking for stuff by saying you wish you could have it. That's no different than just asking for it." None of it works. Not surprisingly, since he's incredibly stubborn and has also perfected the art of selective hearing. It's also why I do my best to go to the store when he's in school.

My 5 year old has started doing this! I generally just answer it with, "Mmmhmm.. that would be nice, wouldn't it?" Or, he'll see me eating/drinking something and instead of asking if he can have some, he'll just say "I really like that". I just smile and say, "I know, so do I!".
He's going to learn young that he's going to have to ask directly.

[Virg]

ica171 wrote:

"It's not exactly on the same level as most of the stories here, and it's more passive than aggressive, but lately my 8yo son has decided he can get around the "don't ask for stuff while we're at the store" rule by saying "I wish I could have _____/I wish we could get ________.""

We had a rule much like that, where my kids were allowed to ask once for something (not just at the store but it works for this example) but repeated requests would get them in trouble.  They did this whole PA thing for a little while, so I just started reacting to it exactly as though they'd asked directly, and punishing in the same way as a direct request.  It dried up in a hurry.

Virg