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Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 303143 times)

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SamiHami

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #225 on: December 12, 2012, 06:02:21 PM »
My brother is normally a pretty sane, level headed guy. Not perfect of course, but usually a good person to hang around with.

Earlier this year his wife left him. It was a shock (after 28 years of marriage) and he honestly didn't know how to handle it. At one point he really did completely fall apart. I know that at one point he sent an email to his estranged wife and while I don't know the exact wording, apparently he threatened to kill himself. His STBX did the right thing and called the police, even though she was sure he was just venting. I don't blame her; after all, what if he actually had done it?

He was FURIOUS that she called the police. What was worse was that their daughter (22) was home when this happened. She was terribly upset so she did the only thing she knew to do; she called her grandparents (my and DB's parents) and told them about it. They jumped in their car and went straight to his house, and I spoke with my niece on the phone the entire time to keep her calm until they got there.

Happily, he never truly intended to kill himself; he was lashing out because I think he genuinely didn't know how to handle what was going on. He was not pleased at the attention from the police and from family, but now he knows that people will react if he says something foolish.

Happily he is well past that and is now a relatively normal person again.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

snowfire

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #226 on: December 12, 2012, 10:44:31 PM »
My mother used to say of such people "The Good Lord doesn't want him and the Devil's afraid he'll take over!!"

Our family had a variation on that.  "The Lord doesn't want him & the Devil won't take him a minute before he has to!"

My MIL is another PA Drama Queen.  She is famous for the "Never Darken my door AGAIN!" lines.  I've given her her wish.  I have not entered her house since September 2008 and have not spoken to her since around December of the same year...and that time I hung up on her since it was either hang up or reach through the phone line and do violence.  When someone accuses me of being a liar and a thief and breaking into their house on an almost daily basis, I am only too happy to have nothing more to do with them.  (Yes, MIL is starting to get some form of dementia, but she has disliked me from the day she met me.  You see, SHE didn't choose me to marry her son.  He had the unmitigated gall to make that choice without consulting her...)

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #227 on: December 12, 2012, 10:49:58 PM »
My mother used to say of such people "The Good Lord doesn't want him and the Devil's afraid he'll take over!!"

Our family had a variation on that.  "The Lord doesn't want him & the Devil won't take him a minute before he has to!"

My MIL is another PA Drama Queen.  She is famous for the "Never Darken my door AGAIN!" lines.  I've given her her wish.  I have not entered her house since September 2008 and have not spoken to her since around December of the same year...and that time I hung up on her since it was either hang up or reach through the phone line and do violence.  When someone accuses me of being a liar and a thief and breaking into their house on an almost daily basis, I am only too happy to have nothing more to do with them.  (Yes, MIL is starting to get some form of dementia, but she has disliked me from the day she met me.  You see, SHE didn't choose me to marry her son.  He had the unmitigated gall to make that choice without consulting her...)

Evil, Snarky, and myself are of one mind on this:  What we'd *really* like to say (if such a thing could ever happen) would be this:

"It really galls you that he loved me enough to choose me to spend his life with, but that he tolerates you because cruel irony genetically linked him to you, doesn't it?"
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CakeBeret

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #228 on: December 13, 2012, 10:05:38 AM »
A friend dealt with her martyr mother in law in a way that I don't believe is ehell approved, but worked after one time...

Martyr MIL would constantly insist that she would make the meal, she would host, she would buy, etc, then complain about how she was ALWAYS doing everything and it was SO HARD, etc.  So one day, Friend looks at her, gets a "thinking face" on, and says, hey, would you mind doing something for me?  MIL says what?  Friend says "Would you mind crawling down off your cross?  We need the wood."  Then she smiled.  Not one more complaint, and Friend got to host occasionally.

 :o ;D

Not Ehell approved, but I think a good term would be "Evil Genius".
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snowflake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #229 on: December 13, 2012, 10:20:29 AM »
A friend dealt with her martyr mother in law in a way that I don't believe is ehell approved, but worked after one time...

Martyr MIL would constantly insist that she would make the meal, she would host, she would buy, etc, then complain about how she was ALWAYS doing everything and it was SO HARD, etc.  So one day, Friend looks at her, gets a "thinking face" on, and says, hey, would you mind doing something for me?  MIL says what?  Friend says "Would you mind crawling down off your cross?  We need the wood."  Then she smiled.  Not one more complaint, and Friend got to host occasionally.

Not ehell approved, but depending on the relationship I don't think this is a bad thing.  My husband would make snarky comments like that early in our relationship when I went into "martyr" mode.  Maybe not ehell, but I appreciated the reminder said with some humor.  (And he said it with love, not in a mean, bitter way.) I really don't want to be an eternal martyr, but it's a hard, hard, hard habit to break.  He would make me laugh and then I'd step back and re-examine how I was approaching my problem.

MindsEye

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #230 on: December 13, 2012, 02:28:37 PM »
Kind of like Sheila's story (which is what reminded me about him!) I used to have a boyfriend who would always pull the "I am not good enough for you, you can do better" routine all of the time... and I was of course supposed to fawn all over him and reassure him that oh no, I loved him and he was perfect.  Which I did.  For a while.  (Hey, I was in college and stupid.)

And then one day I just got fed up with the whole routine, and when he started in on his "I am not good enough..." lines, I said something like "You're right, you really aren't good enough and I probably can do a lot better" and dumped him on the spot.  It wasn't until after I dumped him that I realized just how creepy and controlling he was, and that I had really dodged a bullet.   

nuit93

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #231 on: December 13, 2012, 03:45:59 PM »
Kind of like Sheila's story (which is what reminded me about him!) I used to have a boyfriend who would always pull the "I am not good enough for you, you can do better" routine all of the time... and I was of course supposed to fawn all over him and reassure him that oh no, I loved him and he was perfect.  Which I did.  For a while.  (Hey, I was in college and stupid.)

And then one day I just got fed up with the whole routine, and when he started in on his "I am not good enough..." lines, I said something like "You're right, you really aren't good enough and I probably can do a lot better" and dumped him on the spot.  It wasn't until after I dumped him that I realized just how creepy and controlling he was, and that I had really dodged a bullet.   

You had one of those too?

ladyknight1

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #232 on: December 13, 2012, 03:50:42 PM »
Speaking of restaurants, I remember when my grandmother was alive - she'd always deliberately order the cheapest thing on the menu and then complain about it.   My parents (who were paying) would beg her to order what she wanted to eat as opposed to the cheapest thing, but noooo!

During our only family dinner out while on a group vacation, both my mother and youngest sister did this. They ordered something based on price point only, and then sulked the entire time about their food. I ordered something $1-2 more and was very happy with my food. YS does this when she is with us and away from my parents as well. One of the reasons she has been cut is her PA behavior.
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
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iridaceae

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #233 on: December 13, 2012, 07:54:25 PM »
Speaking of restaurants, I remember when my grandmother was alive - she'd always deliberately order the cheapest thing on the menu and then complain about it.   My parents (who were paying) would beg her to order what she wanted to eat as opposed to the cheapest thing, but noooo!

During our only family dinner out while on a group vacation, both my mother and youngest sister did this. They ordered something based on price point only, and then sulked the entire time about their food. I ordered something $1-2 more and was very happy with my food. YS does this when she is with us and away from my parents as well. One of the reasons she has been cut is her PA behavior.

With your youngest sister this might be more learned behavior than anything though. I've known people who had it [not literally] beat into them that when they went out to eat they were to order the cheapest thing as it was the polite thing to do. Learning that this wasn't so was a hard lesson because "what if they're just saying that to be polite?" 

Nothing to see here.

ladyknight1

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #234 on: December 14, 2012, 08:03:13 AM »
It's not exactly on the same level as most of the stories here, and it's more passive than aggressive, but lately my 8yo son has decided he can get around the "don't ask for stuff while we're at the store" rule by saying "I wish I could have _____/I wish we could get ________." Depending on my mood my response runs the gamut from no acknowledgement to "Well, we're not getting ________ today" to "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride" to "Stop asking for stuff by saying you wish you could have it. That's no different than just asking for it." None of it works. Not surprisingly, since he's incredibly stubborn and has also perfected the art of selective hearing. It's also why I do my best to go to the store when he's in school.

And this is why DS gets allowance. We had the same problems beginning at age 8 and now at 14, I am so glad I did that. He has to do a few more chores, is prohibited from whining about chores, bedtimes or homework, and has to donate 10% to charity and put 10% in his savings account. He has gotten much better at saving his money for big ticket items.
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

MindsEye

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #235 on: December 14, 2012, 08:46:44 AM »

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

snowflake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #236 on: December 14, 2012, 12:03:33 PM »

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

I think everyone has one of those.  I'm still embarrassed that I had like ten of "those" in a row. 

The confusing thing is that they'd mix, "I'm not good enough for you" with, "Well where do you think you'll ever find someone else who loves me as much as I do?"  It took me a few times to realize that was a PA way of them debasing me and aggrandizing themselves.  That one sentence does it all: 1) They are so awesome that their love is special, unique and the regard of mere mortals will never come close and 2) I should be grateful for it because no one else would be so kind. 

It's funny how PA sentences can look humble and earnest and really be full of snot.

LazyDaisy

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #237 on: December 14, 2012, 12:51:09 PM »

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

I think everyone has one of those.  I'm still embarrassed that I had like ten of "those" in a row. 

The confusing thing is that they'd mix, "I'm not good enough for you" with, "Well where do you think you'll ever find someone else who loves me as much as I do?"  It took me a few times to realize that was a PA way of them debasing me and aggrandizing themselves.  That one sentence does it all: 1) They are so awesome that their love is special, unique and the regard of mere mortals will never come close and 2) I should be grateful for it because no one else would be so kind. 

It's funny how PA sentences can look humble and earnest and really be full of snot.
hehehehe Freudian slip? If the PA boyfriend is saying the quote, wouldn't he say "...who loves you as much as I do?" or did he really indicate he loves himself?
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nuit93

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #238 on: December 14, 2012, 01:06:21 PM »

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

Mine would sometimes call me after I'd made plans to go out with some friends to see if I wanted to come over (we were both in college but were commuter students who lived at home) that night, when I told him I'd already made plans he'd go "oh, well, if that's what you'd rather do...". 

Um, yeah, since I made these plans a few days ago and you're just now getting around to inviting me over--yes, it's what I'd rather do.  Inviting him along with the friends wasn't an option since he never even tried to enjoy himself and later would say "well, I'm not used to being around younger people since most of my friends are older" (I was 20 and still hung out with a lot of the people I'd gone to community college with, so we were 18-20 and not old enough for the bar scene, he was 23 and most of his friends were his age or a bit older).

I get that there's some maturity differences between, say, 18 and 23, but his tone really bugged me.  It's also probably worth mentioning that the whole time we dated, I never met any of his friends that he talked about.  Apparently, whenever he got into a relationship, he would pretty much isolate himself and only spend time with his significant other or his immediate family (and expect that she would do the same). 

Yep, not happening.

snowflake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #239 on: December 14, 2012, 01:08:26 PM »

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

I think everyone has one of those.  I'm still embarrassed that I had like ten of "those" in a row. 

The confusing thing is that they'd mix, "I'm not good enough for you" with, "Well where do you think you'll ever find someone else who loves me as much as I do?"  It took me a few times to realize that was a PA way of them debasing me and aggrandizing themselves.  That one sentence does it all: 1) They are so awesome that their love is special, unique and the regard of mere mortals will never come close and 2) I should be grateful for it because no one else would be so kind. 

It's funny how PA sentences can look humble and earnest and really be full of snot.
hehehehe Freudian slip? If the PA boyfriend is saying the quote, wouldn't he say "...who loves you as much as I do?" or did he really indicate he loves himself?

Yeah, oops.  I mean "Loves you as much as I do."  But yeah, I think that's what he meant.  LOL!