Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[Bethalize]

People who say "I don't care" don't care up until the point you choose something which is too expensive/limited/spicy for them. THEN they care 

I prefer it when people say "I don't mind".

[Pen^2]

I respond to, "I don't care," with, "well, since you're so uninterested, we won't worry about it. Moving on..." and just don't give them any of what they were asked to choose from. They usually quite quickly say which they prefer after that.

I was taught at school that refusing to make a decision makes things harder for your host, and throws their attempted kindness back in their face. If you really don't mind and all things being equal, it's best to just choose something anyway. I've always liked this advice.

My favourite PA people are those who moan, "oh, I'm getting so overweight, look how fat I am..." to which I also always agree enthusiastically. "Oh yes, why, I never noticed it until you pointed it out. Good gosh, look at your chins! I was sure there were only two last week!", with varying degrees of sincerity. Works well for grey hair and wrinkles, too. If I'm going to compliment you, I'll compliment you. Don't demand I do it (thus invalidating any compliment as not genuine anyway), and don't be all "woe is me" about it, or I'm just going to agree.

[gramma dishes]

^^^  I don't know.  I laugh about my gray hairs and my wrinkles.  I'm not fishing for a compliment, just commenting on the inevitability of getting older. 

I think if I joked about my wrinkles and someone said "Why yes.  You really do look like a very old elephant!" I might be offended.  Or maybe not.  Maybe it would depend on who said it and the way they said it.

[Adelaide]

People who say "I don't care" don't care up until the point you choose something which is too expensive/limited/spicy for them. THEN they care 

I prefer it when people say "I don't mind".

One of my friends does this all the time. Whenever we're together she'll make me pick where we go and say "I don't care". One day I had finally had enough and went down the list of places I knew she hated, starting with a) too expensive b) too exotic (Laotian food) c) tiny portions and d) too greasy.

Now, when she invites me over, instead of saying "You pick, I don't care" she always opens with a couple of choices of her own.

[Allyson]

I think that some people don't understand that having to be the person who always picks can be a pain sometimes. I'm pretty sure that most non-PA people who do the 'I don't care/why don't you pick/anything is fine' genuinely don't have a strong preference, and they think they are being accomodating and excellent dinner companions by allowing the other person to have their first choice.

I often end up letting the other person choose when I go out to dinner with certain people but that's because they have lots of allergies/restrictions and I genuinely can find something I like anywhere. Still, my favourite way to go about choosing is 'one person gives 3 options, the other chooses 1'.

[JenJay]

DH and I do the "I don't care" (me) and "Here's an endless list of options but I won't commit to one" (him) thing. It isn't PA on either part, just a general lack of wanting to choose. I devised a way to solve the issue - DH narrows it down to three places he'd definitely be willing to go to and I choose one of those. Works every time. 

[Yvaine]

I often end up letting the other person choose when I go out to dinner with certain people but that's because they have lots of allergies/restrictions and I genuinely can find something I like anywhere.

Yeah, I have one friend to whom I just say bluntly, "you pick because you're pickier." She has a long list of restrictions on top of being a picky eater generally, and she's also not polite about it--she doesn't just say "(Restaurant) won't work because I'm allergic to everything there/don't like it," she goes "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" and makes the other person feel like a piece of scum for even suggesting it. (She does have other redeeming qualities, else we would not still be friends.)

[Layla Miller]

Oh my goodness, DH and I do the "I don't care; you pick" dance all the time.  We generally settle things by having one of us narrow the options down to two and the other choosing one.  It's saved us many, many headaches.

My FIL does the PA thing a lot.  Trouble is, giving him what he "wants" doesn't work because what he really wants is to be a martyr.  So by taking him up on his "Don't mind me" stuff, he gets to feel self-sacrificing.  Overall this isn't too bad, though, because he's not one to rub it in--if that makes sense.  (He has PA tendencies, but is otherwise a decent guy.)  So everyone's technically happy. 

[jedikaiti]

DF & I do the "I don't know" dance with alarming frequency - usually neither of us knows what we WANT, just what we don't want. ("I don't want Thai, we've had that 3 times this week.") Or we don't have a clue either way until one of us comes up with an idea and the lightbulb goes off - "Oh! That does sound good!" The problem comes when both of us are having an indecisive time at the same time.

[kherbert05]

I often end up letting the other person choose when I go out to dinner with certain people but that's because they have lots of allergies/restrictions and I genuinely can find something I like anywhere.

Yeah, I have one friend to whom I just say bluntly, "you pick because you're pickier." She has a long list of restrictions on top of being a picky eater generally, and she's also not polite about it--she doesn't just say "(Restaurant) won't work because I'm allergic to everything there/don't like it," she goes "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" and makes the other person feel like a piece of scum for even suggesting it. (She does have other redeeming qualities, else we would not still be friends.)

I try to be as polite as possible. If a group of us is getting together I'll joke about my "5 no goes" (Local restaurants that use peanut oil). If someone insists they are craving 5 guys or something. I tell them I'll just meet you at event and go get something I can eat.


The only time I get ticked off is if I'm told we are going to Y, but we get in the car and are on the freeway. Then I'm told we are actually going to X and I can deal. This is especially true for a couple of restaurants that say they don't use peanut oil or their peanut oil is so "pure" you can't react. Except I've landed in the ER from eating their food. There are people that I will NOT drive with for exactly this reason.

[alkira6]

I try to be as polite as possible. If a group of us is getting together I'll joke about my "5 no goes" (Local restaurants that use peanut oil). If someone insists they are craving 5 guys or something. I tell them I'll just meet you at event and go get something I can eat.


The only time I get ticked off is if I'm told we are going to Y, but we get in the car and are on the freeway. Then I'm told we are actually going to X and I can deal. This is especially true for a couple of restaurants that say they don't use peanut oil or their peanut oil is so "pure" you can't react. Except I've landed in the ER from eating their food. There are people that I will NOT drive with for exactly this reason.

These people must have some really saintly other qualities for you to still be friends with them. Hijacking you and insisting you go somewhere that they know will make you sick? - not friend material to me.

[kherbert05]

I try to be as polite as possible. If a group of us is getting together I'll joke about my "5 no goes" (Local restaurants that use peanut oil). If someone insists they are craving 5 guys or something. I tell them I'll just meet you at event and go get something I can eat.


The only time I get ticked off is if I'm told we are going to Y, but we get in the car and are on the freeway. Then I'm told we are actually going to X and I can deal. This is especially true for a couple of restaurants that say they don't use peanut oil or their peanut oil is so "pure" you can't react. Except I've landed in the ER from eating their food. There are people that I will NOT drive with for exactly this reason.

These people must have some really saintly other qualities for you to still be friends with them. Hijacking you and insisting you go somewhere that they know will make you sick? - not friend material to me.

Not friends - coworkers and the administration demands we carpool to an inservice. I put my foot down a few years ago - I drive myself period end of subject.

[mmswm]

I often end up letting the other person choose when I go out to dinner with certain people but that's because they have lots of allergies/restrictions and I genuinely can find something I like anywhere.

Yeah, I have one friend to whom I just say bluntly, "you pick because you're pickier." She has a long list of restrictions on top of being a picky eater generally, and she's also not polite about it--she doesn't just say "(Restaurant) won't work because I'm allergic to everything there/don't like it," she goes "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" and makes the other person feel like a piece of scum for even suggesting it. (She does have other redeeming qualities, else we would not still be friends.)

I try to be as polite as possible. If a group of us is getting together I'll joke about my "5 no goes" (Local restaurants that use peanut oil). If someone insists they are craving 5 guys or something. I tell them I'll just meet you at event and go get something I can eat.


The only time I get ticked off is if I'm told we are going to Y, but we get in the car and are on the freeway. Then I'm told we are actually going to X and I can deal. This is especially true for a couple of restaurants that say they don't use peanut oil or their peanut oil is so "pure" you can't react. Except I've landed in the ER from eating their food. There are people that I will NOT drive with for exactly this reason.

I'm usually an "I don't care, except..." person.  I have a severe tomato allergy and have landed in the ER a couple times myself.  I generally do the "here are a handful of places I know are safe, you pick" routine.

[mbbored]

There is a huge difference between "That sounds goods. Italian, Chinese, or Thai. Anything sounds fantastic" and "I don't care".

My reply when I don't care is "Food, preferably cooked or at least moving slowly"

When I'm going out with a friends and nobody expresses a strong preference, I throw out three types of cuisine "Burgers, Mexican or Thai?" and consistently somebody picks a category and we go from there. It also works well when trying to pick out a movie "Rom-com, thriller or drama?"

[snowflake]

I (and some friends) are in the category where we do care but we just care less than other people.  So when we say, "Let's grab some dinner." we are used to others saying, "Oh we HAVE to go to X! I've been craving their chicken!  Please let's go to X."  I can pretty much find something I like anywhere and I'm not allergic to anything.  So I will defer to their preferences since I am never really set on one place. 

The problem is that when I get together with one of my less concerned friends, we NEVER can pick anything.  For one friend in particular, we have a list of ten good restaurants in the area and roll one of my old D&D dice.  She keeps saying she is going to make a smart phone app that picks a random restaurant based on location (and will take some customized parameters for the choice.)