Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[Celany]

My biggest one was with my mom. I do love my mom, but she has a lot of mental problems, and can be the Queen of PA and will be extremely controlling, if you give her that option.

When I was in college, she used to call me and leave messages on my answering machine all day (this was pre-cell phone days). As I wasn't returning her calls (because I was at class, then lunch, then class, then theater, then the gym, before going home), each message would get more & more irate. She would demand that I come back to my room just to check for messages and call her to confirm that I was still alive. I refused to do this, because it would have been close to impossible, with my schedule. Not to mention the part where it was a ridiculous request.

As this escalated, she started ending her calls by threatening to disown me, because I was such a terrible daughter (side note: I hope you believe that I'm not exaggerating here. She was literally this upset that I wouldn't call her several times a day to confirm that I was still alive, and tell her about my day. Which was remarkable, because when I lived at home, she used to ignore me quite a bit.). Finally, one day, I called her bluff. I said: Fine. Disown me. If that means I don't have to listen to you screaming at my anymore, then that works for me. I'll figure money out of my own, & that'll be that. Then I hung up the phone, gently.

This was probably in late October or early November. I didn't go home for Thanksgiving (I went to see my BF's family). I didn't go home for Christmas (I stayed with friends).

Finally, around Easter, my aunt called me & said my mom was going to call me. Seems that my dad told my mom that she would either fix this or he'd divorce her. My dad is one of the most mild-mannered people in the world, and he has *never* given my mom an ultimatum before. And my mom is of a religion that really frowns upon divorce, so she buckled. Although, her buckling was calling me and asking what I wanted in my Easter basket; she never acknowledged her bad behavior.

Since then, while she does off & on have bad behavior (she's a "give her an inch, she'll take a mile" kind of person), she's never gotten as bad as she was then. Because she knows if she goes beyond a certain point, I WILL call her on it, & my dad WILL back me up.

[Jocelyn]

  Certain people would even take their partner's gifts and use them!
 

Hmm...I guess I don't see what's wrong about that.

Give someone a gift card and their partner another gift card, and while one is away, the partner takes both gift cards and uses them. Repeated behavior. I no longer give them gift cards.

Again, I see that as something that's a matter between the couple. Last year, my nephew and his wife were gifted with a quantity of gift cards...they decided that rather than jointly deciding on what to buy, each would take the cards gifted by their own relatives. If he wants to trade his half of the department store card to her for her half of the Amazon.com card,  it seems reasonable to me. If a person is telling others that their spouse took his/her gift card without permission and used it, well...that's about like taking money out of your spouse's wallet without permission. Such a marriage seems to have way bigger problems that just the etiquette of gifting.

[Yvaine]

  Certain people would even take their partner's gifts and use them!
 

Hmm...I guess I don't see what's wrong about that.

Give someone a gift card and their partner another gift card, and while one is away, the partner takes both gift cards and uses them. Repeated behavior. I no longer give them gift cards.

Again, I see that as something that's a matter between the couple. Last year, my nephew and his wife were gifted with a quantity of gift cards...they decided that rather than jointly deciding on what to buy, each would take the cards gifted by their own relatives. If he wants to trade his half of the department store card to her for her half of the Amazon.com card,  it seems reasonable to me. If a person is telling others that their spouse took his/her gift card without permission and used it, well...that's about like taking money out of your spouse's wallet without permission. Such a marriage seems to have way bigger problems that just the etiquette of gifting.

Yeah...if they're using each other's GCs without permission, that's a marital issue.

But if they're doing it with permission, I don't see it as a big deal. My ex used to get all these Barnes and Noble cards. It was a logical guess, as he's a smart guy who likes to read. But for various reasons, he doesn't actually like Barnes and Noble and rarely shopped there. He'd give them to me. It was a win/win--the card got used, I got books, and he benefited from me not tapping into the general "us fund" to buy books. 

[DoubleTrouble]

At least once a visit, my Mom will start cleaning something around the house. Like windows or ovens or the steps to the basement. When I came home from the hospital after my c-section, Mom decided to clean all the blinds in our house. As in take them all down to wash & dry each & every blind. Took something like two days & when she finished, Mom said something along the lines of how her blinds hadn't been cleaned in forever I cheerfully replied that there were cleaning services that would do it for her if she didn't have time!

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service

[ladyknight1]

  Certain people would even take their partner's gifts and use them!
 

Hmm...I guess I don't see what's wrong about that.

Give someone a gift card and their partner another gift card, and while one is away, the partner takes both gift cards and uses them. Repeated behavior. I no longer give them gift cards.

Again, I see that as something that's a matter between the couple. Last year, my nephew and his wife were gifted with a quantity of gift cards...they decided that rather than jointly deciding on what to buy, each would take the cards gifted by their own relatives. If he wants to trade his half of the department store card to her for her half of the Amazon.com card,  it seems reasonable to me. If a person is telling others that their spouse took his/her gift card without permission and used it, well...that's about like taking money out of your spouse's wallet without permission. Such a marriage seems to have way bigger problems that just the etiquette of gifting.

Yeah...if they're using each other's GCs without permission, that's a marital issue.

But if they're doing it with permission, I don't see it as a big deal. My ex used to get all these Barnes and Noble cards. It was a logical guess, as he's a smart guy who likes to read. But for various reasons, he doesn't actually like Barnes and Noble and rarely shopped there. He'd give them to me. It was a win/win--the card got used, I got books, and he benefited from me not tapping into the general "us fund" to buy books. 

There is not a mutual agreement, but the husband is passive and won't say anything to the wife. He works out of town during the week, and she takes the gift cards to go shopping. I can't do anything about that, except no longer give gift cards. It wouldn't bother me if it was only one time, or it was mutually agreed, but that is not the case in this situation.

[Nora]

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service

But it's not free, it comes with overbearing dissaproval.

[GratefulMaria]

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service

But it's not free, it comes with overbearing dissaproval.

Very true.  But the recipient can decide not to pay the cost.

[Free Range Hippy Chick]

My grandmother used to write 'Slattern!' in the dust on top of my mother's piano.

My mother used to leave it for her next visit, so that she wouldn't be put to the inconvenience of writing it again.

[ladyknight1]

My grandmother used to write 'Slattern!' in the dust on top of my mother's piano.

My mother used to leave it for her next visit, so that she wouldn't be put to the inconvenience of writing it again.

I think I like your mom.

[AfleetAlex]

Me too!

[Celany]

At least once a visit, my Mom will start cleaning something around the house. Like windows or ovens or the steps to the basement. When I came home from the hospital after my c-section, Mom decided to clean all the blinds in our house. As in take them all down to wash & dry each & every blind. Took something like two days & when she finished, Mom said something along the lines of how her blinds hadn't been cleaned in forever I cheerfully replied that there were cleaning services that would do it for her if she didn't have time!

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service

I'll try to think of it your way. During the rare visit when my mom comes & stays, she also does that kind of cleaning & it makes my blood boil. When she stayed last year, my roommates & I had just done a really good cleaning & the only thing she could find to pick at was the dish drying rack. It had gotten a little dirty at the bottom. Which she made a huuuuuuuuge deal out of. Ugh.

[andi]

My grandmother used to write 'Slattern!' in the dust on top of my mother's piano.

My mother used to leave it for her next visit, so that she wouldn't be put to the inconvenience of writing it again.

Hot coffee up my nose. That is just the best response ever.

[gramma dishes]

... When she stayed last year, my roommates & I had just done a really good cleaning & the only thing she could find to pick at was the dish drying rack. It had gotten a little dirty at the bottom. Which she made a huuuuuuuuge deal out of. Ugh.

It sounds like she just wants to think she's still useful and needed.  Personally, I'm DELIGHTED when I see a little dirt of some kind or another at my DIL's and my own DD's homes but for a very different reason.  It makes me feel like I don't have to go crazy cleaning whenever they're coming to visit to keep my own house up to their standards!   

[Yvaine]

Me too!

Me three!

[Celany]

... When she stayed last year, my roommates & I had just done a really good cleaning & the only thing she could find to pick at was the dish drying rack. It had gotten a little dirty at the bottom. Which she made a huuuuuuuuge deal out of. Ugh.

It sounds like she just wants to think she's still useful and needed.  Personally, I'm DELIGHTED when I see a little dirt of some kind or another at my DIL's and my own DD's homes but for a very different reason.  It makes me feel like I don't have to go crazy cleaning whenever they're coming to visit to keep my own house up to their standards!   

That is absolutely true, and if she handled it differently, I'd just be happy to have the extra cleaning help and feel grateful. But she usually gives my roommates a mournful look and says something along the lines of "I raised her to be neater than this. But she's just so meeeeeeeeeessssssssssssy". And then she'll shake her head sadly.

She's a hoarder. There is not a single room in her house that doesn't have piles of boxes & crap. Most rooms (including my parents bedroom, my bedroom, the spare bedroom, and her old crafting room) are so piled with boxes that it's either impossible to get into them (literally impossible. boxes have fallen against the door, so it cannot be opened), or impossible to get farther than the doorway. THAT is how I was raised.

Which is why I want to climb the walls whenever she makes a comment on my home.