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Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 303602 times)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #300 on: December 20, 2012, 12:50:55 PM »
This is making me glad that DH is a good gift giver.  MIL will ask me what I want if she's not sure and gets it right.  My mother on the other hand was always having to exchange things for what she really wanted cause while dad came close, he always got her a version he thought she wanted.  I think he did this to all of us really.   I was, as a present, told I could pick something out to bring with me and I said I wanted just a little cd player to take with me, one that was easily transported and could play cassettes and radio too, and wouldn't take up much room since I knew the dorm rooms would be small. 

I instead got this stereo system that was decidedly NOT portable and was not small.  It didn't take up a whole room or anything but it was heavy, had two stereos that would attach to the main part of it.  But it did have the ability to play cd's, tapes and the radio.   It took up most of the top of my dresser though.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Celany

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #301 on: December 20, 2012, 03:58:51 PM »
My biggest one was with my mom. I do love my mom, but she has a lot of mental problems, and can be the Queen of PA and will be extremely controlling, if you give her that option.

When I was in college, she used to call me and leave messages on my answering machine all day (this was pre-cell phone days). As I wasn't returning her calls (because I was at class, then lunch, then class, then theater, then the gym, before going home), each message would get more & more irate. She would demand that I come back to my room just to check for messages and call her to confirm that I was still alive. I refused to do this, because it would have been close to impossible, with my schedule. Not to mention the part where it was a ridiculous request.

As this escalated, she started ending her calls by threatening to disown me, because I was such a terrible daughter (side note: I hope you believe that I'm not exaggerating here. She was literally this upset that I wouldn't call her several times a day to confirm that I was still alive, and tell her about my day. Which was remarkable, because when I lived at home, she used to ignore me quite a bit.). Finally, one day, I called her bluff. I said: Fine. Disown me. If that means I don't have to listen to you screaming at my anymore, then that works for me. I'll figure money out of my own, & that'll be that. Then I hung up the phone, gently.

This was probably in late October or early November. I didn't go home for Thanksgiving (I went to see my BF's family). I didn't go home for Christmas (I stayed with friends).

Finally, around Easter, my aunt called me & said my mom was going to call me. Seems that my dad told my mom that she would either fix this or he'd divorce her. My dad is one of the most mild-mannered people in the world, and he has *never* given my mom an ultimatum before. And my mom is of a religion that really frowns upon divorce, so she buckled. Although, her buckling was calling me and asking what I wanted in my Easter basket; she never acknowledged her bad behavior.

Since then, while she does off & on have bad behavior (she's a "give her an inch, she'll take a mile" kind of person), she's never gotten as bad as she was then. Because she knows if she goes beyond a certain point, I WILL call her on it, & my dad WILL back me up.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Jocelyn

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #302 on: December 20, 2012, 05:21:51 PM »
  Certain people would even take their partner's gifts and use them!
 

Hmm...I guess I don't see what's wrong about that.

Give someone a gift card and their partner another gift card, and while one is away, the partner takes both gift cards and uses them. Repeated behavior. I no longer give them gift cards.
Again, I see that as something that's a matter between the couple. Last year, my nephew and his wife were gifted with a quantity of gift cards...they decided that rather than jointly deciding on what to buy, each would take the cards gifted by their own relatives. If he wants to trade his half of the department store card to her for her half of the Amazon.com card,  it seems reasonable to me. If a person is telling others that their spouse took his/her gift card without permission and used it, well...that's about like taking money out of your spouse's wallet without permission. Such a marriage seems to have way bigger problems that just the etiquette of gifting.

Yvaine

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #303 on: December 20, 2012, 07:15:45 PM »
  Certain people would even take their partner's gifts and use them!
 

Hmm...I guess I don't see what's wrong about that.

Give someone a gift card and their partner another gift card, and while one is away, the partner takes both gift cards and uses them. Repeated behavior. I no longer give them gift cards.
Again, I see that as something that's a matter between the couple. Last year, my nephew and his wife were gifted with a quantity of gift cards...they decided that rather than jointly deciding on what to buy, each would take the cards gifted by their own relatives. If he wants to trade his half of the department store card to her for her half of the Amazon.com card,  it seems reasonable to me. If a person is telling others that their spouse took his/her gift card without permission and used it, well...that's about like taking money out of your spouse's wallet without permission. Such a marriage seems to have way bigger problems that just the etiquette of gifting.

Yeah...if they're using each other's GCs without permission, that's a marital issue.

But if they're doing it with permission, I don't see it as a big deal. My ex used to get all these Barnes and Noble cards. It was a logical guess, as he's a smart guy who likes to read. But for various reasons, he doesn't actually like Barnes and Noble and rarely shopped there. He'd give them to me. It was a win/win--the card got used, I got books, and he benefited from me not tapping into the general "us fund" to buy books.  ;D

DoubleTrouble

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #304 on: December 20, 2012, 07:24:32 PM »
At least once a visit, my Mom will start cleaning something around the house. Like windows or ovens or the steps to the basement. When I came home from the hospital after my c-section, Mom decided to clean all the blinds in our house. As in take them all down to wash & dry each & every blind. Took something like two days & when she finished, Mom said something along the lines of how her blinds hadn't been cleaned in forever :o I cheerfully replied that there were cleaning services that would do it for her if she didn't have time!

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service >:D

ladyknight1

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #305 on: December 20, 2012, 08:01:48 PM »
  Certain people would even take their partner's gifts and use them!
 

Hmm...I guess I don't see what's wrong about that.

Give someone a gift card and their partner another gift card, and while one is away, the partner takes both gift cards and uses them. Repeated behavior. I no longer give them gift cards.
Again, I see that as something that's a matter between the couple. Last year, my nephew and his wife were gifted with a quantity of gift cards...they decided that rather than jointly deciding on what to buy, each would take the cards gifted by their own relatives. If he wants to trade his half of the department store card to her for her half of the Amazon.com card,  it seems reasonable to me. If a person is telling others that their spouse took his/her gift card without permission and used it, well...that's about like taking money out of your spouse's wallet without permission. Such a marriage seems to have way bigger problems that just the etiquette of gifting.

Yeah...if they're using each other's GCs without permission, that's a marital issue.

But if they're doing it with permission, I don't see it as a big deal. My ex used to get all these Barnes and Noble cards. It was a logical guess, as he's a smart guy who likes to read. But for various reasons, he doesn't actually like Barnes and Noble and rarely shopped there. He'd give them to me. It was a win/win--the card got used, I got books, and he benefited from me not tapping into the general "us fund" to buy books.  ;D

There is not a mutual agreement, but the husband is passive and won't say anything to the wife. He works out of town during the week, and she takes the gift cards to go shopping. I can't do anything about that, except no longer give gift cards. It wouldn't bother me if it was only one time, or it was mutually agreed, but that is not the case in this situation.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

Nora

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #306 on: December 21, 2012, 02:40:00 AM »

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service >:D

But it's not free, it comes with overbearing dissaproval.
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

GratefulMaria

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #307 on: December 21, 2012, 06:15:31 AM »

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service >:D

But it's not free, it comes with overbearing dissaproval.

Very true.  But the recipient can decide not to pay the cost.

Free Range Hippy Chick

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #308 on: December 21, 2012, 06:19:31 AM »
My grandmother used to write 'Slattern!' in the dust on top of my mother's piano.

My mother used to leave it for her next visit, so that she wouldn't be put to the inconvenience of writing it again.

ladyknight1

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #309 on: December 21, 2012, 07:08:13 AM »
My grandmother used to write 'Slattern!' in the dust on top of my mother's piano.

My mother used to leave it for her next visit, so that she wouldn't be put to the inconvenience of writing it again.

I think I like your mom.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

AfleetAlex

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #310 on: December 21, 2012, 09:35:59 AM »
Me too!
I have a chronic case of foot-in-mouth disease.

Celany

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #311 on: December 21, 2012, 09:45:46 AM »
At least once a visit, my Mom will start cleaning something around the house. Like windows or ovens or the steps to the basement. When I came home from the hospital after my c-section, Mom decided to clean all the blinds in our house. As in take them all down to wash & dry each & every blind. Took something like two days & when she finished, Mom said something along the lines of how her blinds hadn't been cleaned in forever :o I cheerfully replied that there were cleaning services that would do it for her if she didn't have time!

The cleaning ticks DH off because it's her PA way of saying we don't keep a clean house but I just remind him that it's a free cleaning service >:D

I'll try to think of it your way. During the rare visit when my mom comes & stays, she also does that kind of cleaning & it makes my blood boil. When she stayed last year, my roommates & I had just done a really good cleaning & the only thing she could find to pick at was the dish drying rack. It had gotten a little dirty at the bottom. Which she made a huuuuuuuuge deal out of. Ugh.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

andi

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #312 on: December 21, 2012, 09:47:48 AM »
My grandmother used to write 'Slattern!' in the dust on top of my mother's piano.

My mother used to leave it for her next visit, so that she wouldn't be put to the inconvenience of writing it again.

Hot coffee up my nose. That is just the best response ever.

gramma dishes

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #313 on: December 21, 2012, 09:50:16 AM »
... When she stayed last year, my roommates & I had just done a really good cleaning & the only thing she could find to pick at was the dish drying rack. It had gotten a little dirty at the bottom. Which she made a huuuuuuuuge deal out of. Ugh.

It sounds like she just wants to think she's still useful and needed.  Personally, I'm DELIGHTED when I see a little dirt of some kind or another at my DIL's and my own DD's homes but for a very different reason.  It makes me feel like I don't have to go crazy cleaning whenever they're coming to visit to keep my own house up to their standards!   ;D

Yvaine

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #314 on: December 21, 2012, 09:53:28 AM »