Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[snowflake]

Chances are there was something that upset him. Considering his behaviour, I would find it downright astonishing if nothing upset him - he seems to be a very negative person.

But if he has to dig back 19 years to find a good offense, that says something!

I was going to ask if you were married to my sister!  She's mad at me over things that happened years ago but won't talk about them.  She says I don't understand because she never, ever did anything that a reasonable person would consider even annoying.  Um surrrrrrreeeee.

[weeblewobble]

Someone asked for an update to the Don and Linda Thanksgiving story. Don and Linda did not go to his parents' house for Thanksgiving, despite many (many, many) phone calls from various relatives telling Don how shocked and appalled they were by his behavior and how he needed to be a good son and apologize to his mother. 

Mom went into an extinction burst of voicemails, FB messages, emails, etc., all telling him that he'd RUINED her holiday with his hard-heartedness and cruelty, and clearly this behavior was all Linda's idea/fault.  Life would be so much better if he hadn't married her.  Linda was stealing him from his family and making him forget what he owes his parents, etc.  Her final message was in mid-December, when she told Don that if he didn't apologize for his multitude of offenses, he wouldn't be welcome at Christmas.

Don took that at face-value and made plans to spend Christmas with his wife and inlaws, who treat him quite nicely.  His family started up again with the "You're breaking your mother's heart!" messages.  He blocked a lot of them on FB, email and his cell phone.  As far as I know, they had a nice quiet, peaceful Christmas.

[gramma dishes]

   Good for Don and Linda!!  Sounds like they both have good, solid, sturdy, titanium spines and Diety of your choice knows they need them with that kind of family!!   It also sounds like they both know how to be supportive of each other.  Good for them.

[Winterlight]

Attaboy!

I'm thinking the best thing for them and their marriage is to stay far, far away from his toxic mom and her supporters.

[Jocelyn]

A friend of ours had the best solution to situations like this.  Her advice was to not clean up too much.  Let the neatnik mother find something to clean.  It will keep her busy and happy.

I am told it works even faster if you lie on the sofa, eating something messy, and periodically call for the neatnik to bring you another beverage. 

[Shalamar]

So THAT'S where my 15-year-old got the idea from ...

[RingTailedLemur]

Someone asked for an update to the Don and Linda Thanksgiving story...

I'm sorry, I can't find the first part of this story.  Could you give a link, please?

[weeblewobble]

First post in this thread.

[RingTailedLemur]

First post in this thread.

Thank you

[onikenbai]

My mother is not content enough to be merely PA, she makes sure that other people suffer publicly for what she perceives are failures to act on the part of other people.  As an example, her friend had been extremely ill for some time.  Every time either my brother or I spoke to mother, we inquired about friend's health etc., so it's not like we were completely insensitive to the issue.  I work about 45 hours a week and go to grad school, so there are weeks that I get so busy that I literally do not have time to sleep, never mind check in with mother on a daily basis.  So one of those weeks rolls around and it's something like 8-9 days since I've last spoken to my mother.  When I call her and do the usual routine of asking about friend she said quite bitterly "Well if you took the time to call more often, you would know that we BURIED HER ON MONDAY."!  Yup, seems that she was more interested in making her PA point that I don't call her often enough that she failed to tell either my brother or I about the death, and the two of us were pointedly missed at the funeral.  We looked like insensitive sots for skipping the event, and my mother enjoyed her revenge.

[gramma dishes]

...    "Well if you took the time to call more often, you would know that we BURIED HER ON MONDAY."!  ...

You and your brother should spring for one of those fancy new fangled phones for your mother that allows her to actually MAKE calls all by herself to replace the one she has now that apparently only allows her to receive them!!   

[JenJay]

My mother is not content enough to be merely PA, she makes sure that other people suffer publicly for what she perceives are failures to act on the part of other people.  As an example, her friend had been extremely ill for some time.  Every time either my brother or I spoke to mother, we inquired about friend's health etc., so it's not like we were completely insensitive to the issue.  I work about 45 hours a week and go to grad school, so there are weeks that I get so busy that I literally do not have time to sleep, never mind check in with mother on a daily basis.  So one of those weeks rolls around and it's something like 8-9 days since I've last spoken to my mother.  When I call her and do the usual routine of asking about friend she said quite bitterly "Well if you took the time to call more often, you would know that we BURIED HER ON MONDAY."!  Yup, seems that she was more interested in making her PA point that I don't call her often enough that she failed to tell either my brother or I about the death, and the two of us were pointedly missed at the funeral.  We looked like insensitive sots for skipping the event, and my mother enjoyed her revenge.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I was in a similar situation once, though it wasn't deliberate P/A behavior (I still don't know what happened, but my Mom isn't P/A). Somehow my Mom, her husband and his adult kids all ended up attending my Great-Uncle's funeral... and I hadn't even been informed he'd passed on. It was horrible having to write a card to my Great-Aunt explaining that I hadn't been there because I hadn't known he was gone, but I thought that was better than having her think I just couldn't be bothered. 

[Otterpop]

That happened to me too.  My PA cousin got her final revenge on me by failing to inform me of her father's death (she was designated to call me).  Everyone, but me, showed up to the memorial.  I was my usual joking and chipper self with my aunt during brief phone calls.  My Facebook page was filled with busy shallowness.  Basically l looked like a giant, insensitive, donkey's behind.

I had to express my sorrow and explain that I was oblivious 2 weeks later when I got the "thank you for attending" memorial card.  It was mortifying.  But now I've given my PA cousin, who was overtly petty, competitive and jealous, the thing she always wanted:  complete no contact.

BTW  Thank you Webblewobble for the update on Don and Linda.  That is a great story!!!

[Iris]

Someone asked for an update to the Don and Linda Thanksgiving story. Don and Linda did not go to his parents' house for Thanksgiving, despite many (many, many) phone calls from various relatives telling Don how shocked and appalled they were by his behavior and how he needed to be a good son and apologize to his mother. 

Mom went into an extinction burst of voicemails, FB messages, emails, etc., all telling him that he'd RUINED her holiday with his hard-heartedness and cruelty, and clearly this behavior was all Linda's idea/fault.  Life would be so much better if he hadn't married her.  Linda was stealing him from his family and making him forget what he owes his parents, etc.  Her final message was in mid-December, when she told Don that if he didn't apologize for his multitude of offenses, he wouldn't be welcome at Christmas.

Don took that at face-value and made plans to spend Christmas with his wife and inlaws, who treat him quite nicely.  His family started up again with the "You're breaking your mother's heart!" messages.  He blocked a lot of them on FB, email and his cell phone.  As far as I know, they had a nice quiet, peaceful Christmas.

I'd just like to take a moment to admire Don. People raised by passive aggressive parents (because I know him mother can't have just turned into this overnight) often find it amazingly difficult to break the pattern of behaviour, or even *see* that it is wrong. I would like him to adopt an 16 year old, teach him what he knows about family, marriage and priorities for the next 10 years, and then deliver him to my daughter please. 

onikenbai - your story actually made me gasp out loud. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

[BarensMom]

I may have posted this story before, but I've finally given my brother and his family the cut.  The final straw was when Brother called me to ask for my sisters' addresses to send out birth announcements, then didn't bother to send me one (obviously a PA dig).  I still don't know which of his kids had the baby, nor at this point, do I care (no announcement, no baby gift).

Brother and his family are off my card lists, blocked from phone and FB, and out of my life.  I don't miss their toxicity at all - stick a fork in me, I'm done.