Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[Auntie Mame]

Someone asked for an update to the Don and Linda Thanksgiving story.

This is the story of the grandfather who torments his granddaughter, right?

If so, Good for Don and Linda!  My bravo and hats off!

I was appalled by that story.

[weeblewobble]

No the first story in this thread

[weeblewobble]

That happened to me too.  My PA cousin got her final revenge on me by failing to inform me of her father's death (she was designated to call me).  Everyone, but me, showed up to the memorial.  I was my usual joking and chipper self with my aunt during brief phone calls.  My Facebook page was filled with busy shallowness.  Basically l looked like a giant, insensitive, donkey's behind.

I had to express my sorrow and explain that I was oblivious 2 weeks later when I got the "thank you for attending" memorial card.  It was mortifying.  But now I've given my PA cousin, who was overtly petty, competitive and jealous, the thing she always wanted:  complete no contact.

BTW  Thank you Webblewobble for the update on Don and Linda.  That is a great story!!!

Oh, believe me, it took quite a while for Don to develop his spine.  Don’s family is a huge matriarchal clan run by Don’s mother and her iron fist.  Not rich, but the family has a lot of pull in the small farming community where they live. Half of the tension between Don’s family and Linda is that she is not from this small farming community (i.e. hand-picked as a DIL by Don’s mother) and the other half comes from the fact that Linda’s family owns several successful businesses and they do have a lot of money, so Linda’s “faults” are blamed on her being a spoiled princess with no family values.

Don’s family is so big and enmeshed that Don really had no idea that so many of their insular tactics were not the norm.  Looking back, he realizes that he lost most of his girlfriends because of stunts similar to what his mother pulls on Linda.  He’d seen that so much growing up that he thought those things were just what families did. When the girlfriends responded badly to these tactics, Don's mother used it as proof that the girls weren’t right for Don and “not our kind, dear.”

The "holiday meal time swap" started from the very first holiday meal Don brought her home for.  She has never been treated kindly by them or made to feel welcome.

It took two years of Linda patiently, lovingly explaining to Don that this was not the average expectation/reaction from most families, for him to grasp “Wow, this behavior really isn’t very nice.”  For instance, if Linda and Don have plans for a special date, and Mom calls at the last minute because the extended family is getting together for dinner on the night of that date the reasonable expectation is that Don keeps his commitment with Linda.  NOT for Don’s mother to demand that he leave Linda at home and come to the family dinner, “because that’s good sons do.”

Or, similarly, if Don and Linda happen to come by the house when the extended family is sitting down to an impromptu family meal (15 or so people), the reasonable reaction is to either say, “Sorry, Don, we weren’t expecting you. Can we see you at another time?” or to make room for both of them at the table.  NOT to set a place for Don and ask Linda to wait in the living room while the family eats.

But the real eye-opener was the wedding planning process, which was a horrifying miasma of unreasonable demands, temper tantrums, PA guilt trips and “hills to die on.”  Don realized that the whole family cared way more about maintaining control over him than his being happy.  He started to distance himself from them all, and so began the accusations of Linda stealing Don away and ruining his good family values. 

[elephantschild]

Good gravy, weeblewobble, she sounds like a nightmare.   I'm pretty sure my MIL blames me for the fact that her son will no longer, you know, come down and move furniture or run errands for her on a moment's notice, but Linda's MIL makes her look like a saint!

And is it awful for me to admit I really, really want to hear the wedding planning stories? 

[bloo]

Good gravy, weeblewobble, she sounds like a nightmare.   I'm pretty sure my MIL blames me for the fact that her son will no longer, you know, come down and move furniture or run errands for her on a moment's notice, but Linda's MIL makes her look like a saint!

And is it awful for me to admit I really, really want to hear the wedding planning stories? 

Yes please Weeble! If Linda's MIL is not PA, maybe she'll need her own thread but I'd also look forward to the guilty pleasure of hearing about the wedding planning stories!

[Piratelvr1121]

Boy these MIL stories make me grateful for mine!

My parents liked to try to play both ends against the middle with DH and I to try and make us fight.  Once DH was going out of town for about 2 weeks, can't remember why, but my mother told me that he said those two weeks alone with the two young boys would "be like a vacation for Pirate!"  The older two were, I think, about 4 and 3 years old at the time.  I was suspicious cause it was not something he would say and when I talked to him over the phone I mentioned what he said.  He laughed for a few minutes at the absurdity of such a statement.

I told my mother later that dh laughed at the idea of anyone saying it. She sniffed and said "Well of course he wouldn't admit it!" 

[weeblewobble]

Good gravy, weeblewobble, she sounds like a nightmare.   I'm pretty sure my MIL blames me for the fact that her son will no longer, you know, come down and move furniture or run errands for her on a moment's notice, but Linda's MIL makes her look like a saint!

And is it awful for me to admit I really, really want to hear the wedding planning stories? 

Yes please Weeble! If Linda's MIL is not PA, maybe she'll need her own thread but I'd also look forward to the guilty pleasure of hearing about the wedding planning stories!

I don't want to give too many stories for fear of being identified, they were pretty specific.  Let's just say that one of Don's sisters actively tried (and succeeded) to conceive so she would be heavily pregnant at the wedding, "because it's not fair that Don and Linda get so much attention."  Linda figured that was the sister's choice and she wasn't about to complain.

But during the rehearsal dinner, the mother of the bride heard this sister talk about pretending that she was going into labor during the vows and causing a big disruption.  It was not said in a joking tone.  I believe the mother of the bride's response was to tell the sister that the MOB would wait until Sis gave birth and then smack the stupid right out of her.  Sis of course pitched a fit about being threatened and it turned into a big ugly scene.


PS, by MOB, I mean the mother-of-the-bride, not an organized crime family.

[bloo]

Good gravy, weeblewobble, she sounds like a nightmare.   I'm pretty sure my MIL blames me for the fact that her son will no longer, you know, come down and move furniture or run errands for her on a moment's notice, but Linda's MIL makes her look like a saint!

And is it awful for me to admit I really, really want to hear the wedding planning stories? 

Yes please Weeble! If Linda's MIL is not PA, maybe she'll need her own thread but I'd also look forward to the guilty pleasure of hearing about the wedding planning stories!

I don't want to give too many stories for fear of being identified, they were pretty specific.  Let's just say that one of Don's sisters actively tried (and succeeded) to conceive so she would be heavily pregnant at the wedding, "because it's not fair that Don and Linda get so much attention."  Linda figured that was the sister's choice and she wasn't about to complain.

But during the rehearsal dinner, the mother of the bride heard this sister talk about pretending that she was going into labor during the vows and causing a big disruption.  It was not said in a joking tone. I believe the mother of the bride's response was to tell the sister that the MOB would wait until Sis gave birth and then smack the stupid right out of her.  Sis of course pitched a fit about being threatened and it turned into a big ugly scene.

Gulp! Maybe I wouldn't be able to handle the Don-n-Linda Saga!

[BabyMama]

Cross-posted from my hugs thread because it's just SO PA

So, back around Thanksgiving, I spoke to both my parents and told them that we would be available on their specified Christmas-celebrating dates, and that was it. We were coming into town on Saturday, but would be spending Saturday and Sunday together with just our family (my sister has DD now until the 30th, so we wanted to spend as much time with DD as possible.) At the time, they both said that was fine.

On Friday, my mom called and started telling me all these plans she wanted to do with us--which included Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (her day.) She has a really bad habit of inviting herself along on things, so I wasn't surprised, but I was annoyed. I said, "Oh, I thought we had agreed that you each got a day and the rest of the time it would be just us." She said, "Oh. Well. Call me on Saturday when you get in and we can talk about it." And then hung up before I could say anything else. Which is her MO.

We get in on Saturday around noon, visit with my sister and her BF and see their new dog, and then go out to do family things. Around 2 my mom calls and asks when we got in. "Earlier." "Oh, when?" "Earlier." Oh. Nice that you could call me and give me an update." And the passive-aggressiveness begins. We told her that we could be free for dinner and breakfast the next day (yeah, I folded and am kind of mad at myself). We met for dinner, and it was fine. At dinner, I said DH and I had done some talking and actually dinner the next night would be better than breakfast based on our plans (and plus it would give her more time with DD.) She said she really wanted swedish meatballs (which annoyed me because I would rather go out, but she would rather eat at home. She thinks it's more economical, but in reality it would be me or my sister buying the ingredients and me making whatever dish she wanted, which was NOT what I wanted to do on my vacation.) But I said okay, we can have it at Sis's house since we weren't doing Christmas there anymore. She agreed and everything seemed fine.

The next day, we go about all our plans. DH, DH and I go see a movie that afternoon, and plan on coming back and then my mom can come over. Our movie gets done around 4:30. Around that same time, my sister texts her and tells her she can come over at any time. No response. We call and tell her the same thing, no response. Two more texts from Sis, no response. Finally my mom texts Sis back with, "I don't think I am coming over tonight. You are all treating me terribly. This could be my last Christmas, I hope you feel great about yourselves." (Nevermind that we are giving her extra time, AND I spent time shopping for and making her stupid meatballs.)

THEN we learn that she's been on the phone with various relatives all day telling them how terrible we are because we don't want to spend every minute of every day with her. Some of them call my sister (but not me) and bawl her out for being an awful daughter at Christmas. How could we be so heartless. They tell her she needs to go up to my mom's house and apologize and make sure my mom is OK.

So, rather than spend the time available with us, she instead chose to stay away and trash us to other people. Gee, wonder why we don't want to spend time with you...

[Diane AKA Traska]

Talk about self-defeating...

Unless what she really wants isn't time, but trashing... in which case, I'd have to say you can both get what you want out of it.

[BabyMama]

Talk about self-defeating...

Unless what she really wants isn't time, but trashing... in which case, I'd have to say you can both get what you want out of it.

What she REALLY wanted was for us to go over there and make a big fuss over her. Which my sister would have done if I hadn't been there.

Did I mention that one of the people she was on the phone all night was my cousin, who lives in New York (so half the country away.) And it was her birthday. Nothing like spending your birthday in NYC on the phone with a crazy person.

[weeblewobble]

Good gravy, weeblewobble, she sounds like a nightmare.   I'm pretty sure my MIL blames me for the fact that her son will no longer, you know, come down and move furniture or run errands for her on a moment's notice, but Linda's MIL makes her look like a saint!

And is it awful for me to admit I really, really want to hear the wedding planning stories? 

Yes please Weeble! If Linda's MIL is not PA, maybe she'll need her own thread but I'd also look forward to the guilty pleasure of hearing about the wedding planning stories!

I don't want to give too many stories for fear of being identified, they were pretty specific.  Let's just say that one of Don's sisters actively tried (and succeeded) to conceive so she would be heavily pregnant at the wedding, "because it's not fair that Don and Linda get so much attention."  Linda figured that was the sister's choice and she wasn't about to complain.

But during the rehearsal dinner, the mother of the bride heard this sister talk about pretending that she was going into labor during the vows and causing a big disruption.  It was not said in a joking tone. I believe the mother of the bride's response was to tell the sister that the MOB would wait until Sis gave birth and then smack the stupid right out of her.  Sis of course pitched a fit about being threatened and it turned into a big ugly scene.

Gulp! Maybe I wouldn't be able to handle the Don-n-Linda Saga!

PS, by MOB, I mean the mother-of-the-bride, not an organized crime family.

[PastryGoddess]

Good gravy, weeblewobble, she sounds like a nightmare.   I'm pretty sure my MIL blames me for the fact that her son will no longer, you know, come down and move furniture or run errands for her on a moment's notice, but Linda's MIL makes her look like a saint!

And is it awful for me to admit I really, really want to hear the wedding planning stories? 

Yes please Weeble! If Linda's MIL is not PA, maybe she'll need her own thread but I'd also look forward to the guilty pleasure of hearing about the wedding planning stories!

I don't want to give too many stories for fear of being identified, they were pretty specific.  Let's just say that one of Don's sisters actively tried (and succeeded) to conceive so she would be heavily pregnant at the wedding, "because it's not fair that Don and Linda get so much attention."  Linda figured that was the sister's choice and she wasn't about to complain.

But during the rehearsal dinner, the mother of the bride heard this sister talk about pretending that she was going into labor during the vows and causing a big disruption.  It was not said in a joking tone.  I believe the mother of the bride's response was to tell the sister that the MOB would wait until Sis gave birth and then smack the stupid right out of her.  Sis of course pitched a fit about being threatened and it turned into a big ugly scene.


PS, by MOB, I mean the mother-of-the-bride, not an organized crime family.

Tell me someone popped popcorn for all of this

[Hillia]

I don't want to give too many stories for fear of being identified, they were pretty specific.  Let's just say that one of Don's sisters actively tried (and succeeded) to conceive so she would be heavily pregnant at the wedding, "because it's not fair that Don and Linda get so much attention."  Linda figured that was the sister's choice and she wasn't about to complain.

And what a charming story for their children.  Most parents can start with 'Mommy and Daddy loved each other and we were so happy when you came along!'  This poor kid gets 'We wanted to mess up Brother's wedding and this was the best way we could think of'.  Of course they may well have been planning to have a baby anyway and just delighted in the chance to time it this way, but I can't imagine people who treat their siblings that way will be  much more loving towards their kids.

[Kimblee]

I don't want to give too many stories for fear of being identified, they were pretty specific.  Let's just say that one of Don's sisters actively tried (and succeeded) to conceive so she would be heavily pregnant at the wedding, "because it's not fair that Don and Linda get so much attention."  Linda figured that was the sister's choice and she wasn't about to complain.

And what a charming story for their children.  Most parents can start with 'Mommy and Daddy loved each other and we were so happy when you came along!'  This poor kid gets 'We wanted to mess up Brother's wedding and this was the best way we could think of'.  Of course they may well have been planning to have a baby anyway and just delighted in the chance to time it this way, but I can't imagine people who treat their siblings that way will be  much more loving towards their kids.

Wow... I think that's actually a more heartless baby conception story than my friend in high school who charted her cycles so her teen pregnancy would net her the maximum ammount of college financial aid possible. (She managed to get a totally free ride to college between getting a grant for single moms, one per year for teen mothers, one for her cheerleading and one for being a minority. Plus some small scholarships for various other activities. It took some serious planning to pull what she did!) Student loans weren't an option because of a lack of qualified co-signers IIRC.

For the record, the "college" baby is seven now, and is VERY loved. To my knowladge she has never come right out and admitted to the kid that it was born because Mommy wanted to go to college and couldn't get a loan.