Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[AfleetAlex]

On the whole, no, although I can now think of one other time she wanted to start a serious discussion when I had to go elsewhere. She's normally a very generous and giving person, so these few-and-far-between moments of wanting my attention when my attention clearly has to be elsewhere are a little weird.

[snowflake]

I'm thinking this is PA but I'm not sure exactly how to give them what they want or what they hoped to accomplish (but it seems to fit the theme of our conversation at this point, so here you go). Twice I've had someone decide that the time to start having a serious discussion about their family (in other words, not about me) was when I absolutely could not give them my full attention.

Once was in the car with my mom. I was navigating an icy stretch of freeway with lots of slideoffs, and this is the time she wants to talk about how worried she is about her sister's health.

I would say it depends on the situation.  I know someone who does stuff like this regularly.  Part of it is that she is just not a very appropriate person.  Certain life experiences make her just plain insensitive to things like timing.  But part of it is that she is a very insecure person.  So there are times when I can say, "Not now, I'm dealing with a huge issue."  And she'll say.  "OK."  But there are other times when it's clear that she has purposefully timed things to see if I will prioritize her over other things in my life.  An example of this is that she would regularly call me at work just to see if I'd drop work (no matter what kind of crisis I was in) for her.  Or she would call me right after a death in the family and try and get me to skip out of the funeral to take care of her.  She also has done the talk when I'm hungry and tired but it's not to get me to agree to anything.  It's to see if I will prioritize her above my basic needs.

I think the most telling thing is the follow up.  If she says, "Can we talk about X now?" and is reasonable than I figure the earlier behavior was just her being unaware.  But sometimes it's "Well I TRIED to talk about X with you and you didn't want to." or "You don't care about me." or "You love your job more than you love me."  Then I know it was a passive-aggressive tactic.   

[blue2000]

Has anyone ever had a situation where you gave the PA person what he/she wanted--for example, saying "Okay" in response to "Well, fine.  I'll just do it myself/stay out of it/whatever"--and had that person get angry that you called their bluff?  I can't tell you how many times I've had that happen, responded with "Okay", and had whoever I was arguing with round on me and say, "No, you're not supposed to answer me with that!"

Short version: Ever had the other person throw a tantrum when you don't follow the script?

Just had one. I have a relative who has a long history of feuding with people. They decided that I was mad at them, and therefore not speaking to them, so they weren't going to talk to me. Not true, but whatever. Not going to argue the point.

They recently broke their silence and sent a message to someone else that they weren't speaking to to give me a message that they want me to talk to them. Dude. Really. This isn't a James Bond movie. You couldn't just pick up the dang phone and say hello??

[weeblewobble]

Has anyone ever had a situation where you gave the PA person what he/she wanted--for example, saying "Okay" in response to "Well, fine.  I'll just do it myself/stay out of it/whatever"--and had that person get angry that you called their bluff?  I can't tell you how many times I've had that happen, responded with "Okay", and had whoever I was arguing with round on me and say, "No, you're not supposed to answer me with that!"

Short version: Ever had the other person throw a tantrum when you don't follow the script?

When we were still pregnant with our daughter, we decided not to let DH's sister babysit (or be alone with DD) for multiple reasons dealing with her mental health/behavior.  She expected to babysit DD, have DD sleep at her apartment, etc.  When we told her this was not going to happen, she initially "forgave us" for our decision. (A whole 'nother thread) But for months afterward, whenever the family was talking about our (not-born-yet) baby, she would sigh, "Well, I'm never going to have the relationship I want with my niece, so I'm not even going to bother trying to spend time with her." or "Well, since Weeblewobble and Mr. Weeble don't want me anywhere near the baby, I'll just stay home and wait until she's a few weeks old before I visit her."

We would say, "OK, then" or "That's your choice." instead of falling all over ourselves to assure her that wasn't what we meant.  She had a meltdown about how "mean" and "hateful" we were to say she would be such a uninvolved aunt.  We pretty much ignored it. 

[Anyanka]

Once was in the car with my mom. I was navigating an icy stretch of freeway with lots of slideoffs, and this is the time she wants to talk about how worried she is about her sister's health.

Mine once grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving in a snow-storm simply because I wasn't worried about  her leaving in the next few days.

[mmswm]

Once was in the car with my mom. I was navigating an icy stretch of freeway with lots of slideoffs, and this is the time she wants to talk about how worried she is about her sister's health.

Mine once grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving in a snow-storm simply because I wasn't worried about  her leaving in the next few days.

I had a similar experience because I wasn't worried enough about making it home or to a shelter in a hurricane.  Rita, to be exact.  It hadn't gotten bad yet, but it was still dicey.  Trust me, I was worried enough.  So worried, in fact, that I wasn't talking. This was apparently offensive.

[Miss Tickle]

We used to entertain the people in the apartment next door for dinner on a regular basis. The female half at least, because after a while I stopped hosting her BF.  She'd devour everything, he'd complain, and the complaints were just nitpicky little things. I will go out of my way to accommodate a sensitivity, will outright tell the allergic they can't eat my food (can't guarantee a peanut free dish for example because DH likes peanut oil), but when someone can't find anything nice to say, to the point of grumbling at the table, well, you don't want to burden them with your obviously subpar cooking.  So, his GF and I agreed we'd only burden her, and only when he wasn't home for dinner anyway.

And boy was he mad about that!

[CrochetFanatic]

We used to entertain the people in the apartment next door for dinner on a regular basis. The female half at least, because after a while I stopped hosting her BF.  She'd devour everything, he'd complain, and the complaints were just nitpicky little things. I will go out of my way to accommodate a sensitivity, will outright tell the allergic they can't eat my food (can't guarantee a peanut free dish for example because DH likes peanut oil), but when someone can't find anything nice to say, to the point of grumbling at the table, well, you don't want to burden them with your obviously subpar cooking.  So, his GF and I agreed we'd only burden her, and only when he wasn't home for dinner anyway.

And boy was he mad about that!

I take it he was complaining because the things he could eat weren't what he wanted, and he was taking it out on his girlfriend?

Some people are just hard to please, no matter what you do.  If you tried to accommodate him, he should have been gracious about it.  I spent the night at a friend's house with a couple of other people for New Year's Eve several years ago, and she sliced up some apple in the morning and made us scrambled eggs.  The eggs...were awful.  But it was nice of her to cook for us, and everyone appreciated it.  (I stopped off for a breakfast sandwich afterwards, and didn't tell her.)

[Otterpop]

I just had a new tenant, not moved in yet, leave me several messages in the space of 2 hours about a "serious leak that needed prompt attention."  Unfortunately I'd left my phone in its charger and was out marketing (VERY unusual for me to be without my phone).  After I returned home I saw the messages and tried to call him back but he was not answering, nor responding to texts.  His last message to me was that the place was being destroyed by water, it was "uninhabitable" and he wanted all his money back.

I then raced over to his still empty place, thinking there was water running down the walls, stains on the ceiling, only to find the place completely dry and still freshly renovated.  There was a wet paper towel under the sink but that was all.  My normal response would be to call a plumber and apologize profusely to the tenant.  Instead, my husband said "Give him his cash and get the keys back immediately.  If he goes ballistic about a drip from the U-joint under the sink, imagine what a nightmare he will be if something really serious goes wrong."

I called the plumber who fixed the sink in 10 minutes.  Then sent an e-mail to the tenant about where we could meet to exchange money and keys.  Cue a phone call from said tenant who was sputtering about really liking the place but could not abide a leak.  I sympathized and told him I understood, I did not expect him to stay.  I did not tell him the leak was fixed.

Cost me 1 month's rent (place is already leased again but for next month) but worth every penny.

[PeterM]

When we were still pregnant with our daughter, we decided not to let DH's sister babysit (or be alone with DD) for multiple reasons dealing with her mental health/behavior.  She expected to babysit DD, have DD sleep at her apartment, etc.  When we told her this was not going to happen, she initially "forgave us" for our decision. (A whole 'nother thread) But for months afterward, whenever the family was talking about our (not-born-yet) baby, she would sigh, "Well, I'm never going to have the relationship I want with my niece, so I'm not even going to bother trying to spend time with her." or "Well, since Weeblewobble and Mr. Weeble don't want me anywhere near the baby, I'll just stay home and wait until she's a few weeks old before I visit her."

We would say, "OK, then" or "That's your choice." instead of falling all over ourselves to assure her that wasn't what we meant.  She had a meltdown about how "mean" and "hateful" we were to say she would be such a uninvolved aunt.  We pretty much ignored it.

Is this the woman who wanted to practice chiropracty(sp?) on a newborn? Or is it a different nitwit altogether? Lord knows there are enough of them out there.

[MariaE]

I just had a new tenant, not moved in yet, leave me several messages in the space of 2 hours about a "serious leak that needed prompt attention."  Unfortunately I'd left my phone in its charger and was out marketing (VERY unusual for me to be without my phone).  After I returned home I saw the messages and tried to call him back but he was not answering, nor responding to texts.  His last message to me was that the place was being destroyed by water, it was "uninhabitable" and he wanted all his money back.

I then raced over to his still empty place, thinking there was water running down the walls, stains on the ceiling, only to find the place completely dry and still freshly renovated.  There was a wet paper towel under the sink but that was all.  My normal response would be to call a plumber and apologize profusely to the tenant.  Instead, my husband said "Give him his cash and get the keys back immediately.  If he goes ballistic about a drip from the U-joint under the sink, imagine what a nightmare he will be if something really serious goes wrong."

I called the plumber who fixed the sink in 10 minutes.  Then sent an e-mail to the tenant about where we could meet to exchange money and keys.  Cue a phone call from said tenant who was sputtering about really liking the place but could not abide a leak.  I sympathized and told him I understood, I did not expect him to stay.  I did not tell him the leak was fixed.

Cost me 1 month's rent (place is already leased again but for next month) but worth every penny.

Wow... good riddance.

Yeah, sounds like you dodged a bullet there.

[MrTango]

Once was in the car with my mom. I was navigating an icy stretch of freeway with lots of slideoffs, and this is the time she wants to talk about how worried she is about her sister's health.

Mine once grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving in a snow-storm simply because I wasn't worried about  her leaving in the next few days.

If someone did that to me, I'd stop the car, kick them out on the side of the road, and drive away.  Wouldn't matter if it was pouring rain, hailing, or in the middle of a blizzard.

[weeblewobble]

When we were still pregnant with our daughter, we decided not to let DH's sister babysit (or be alone with DD) for multiple reasons dealing with her mental health/behavior.  She expected to babysit DD, have DD sleep at her apartment, etc.  When we told her this was not going to happen, she initially "forgave us" for our decision. (A whole 'nother thread) But for months afterward, whenever the family was talking about our (not-born-yet) baby, she would sigh, "Well, I'm never going to have the relationship I want with my niece, so I'm not even going to bother trying to spend time with her." or "Well, since Weeblewobble and Mr. Weeble don't want me anywhere near the baby, I'll just stay home and wait until she's a few weeks old before I visit her."

We would say, "OK, then" or "That's your choice." instead of falling all over ourselves to assure her that wasn't what we meant.  She had a meltdown about how "mean" and "hateful" we were to say she would be such a uninvolved aunt.  We pretty much ignored it.

Is this the woman who wanted to practice chiropracty(sp?) on a newborn? Or is it a different nitwit altogether? Lord knows there are enough of them out there'.

Oh, no, different SIL all together.

[Deetee]

I just had a new tenant, not moved in yet, leave me several messages in the space of 2 hours about a "serious leak that needed prompt attention."  Unfortunately I'd left my phone in its charger and was out marketing (VERY unusual for me to be without my phone).  After I returned home I saw the messages and tried to call him back but he was not answering, nor responding to texts.  His last message to me was that the place was being destroyed by water, it was "uninhabitable" and he wanted all his money back.

I then raced over to his still empty place, thinking there was water running down the walls, stains on the ceiling, only to find the place completely dry and still freshly renovated.  There was a wet paper towel under the sink but that was all.  My normal response would be to call a plumber and apologize profusely to the tenant.  Instead, my husband said "Give him his cash and get the keys back immediately.  If he goes ballistic about a drip from the U-joint under the sink, imagine what a nightmare he will be if something really serious goes wrong."

I called the plumber who fixed the sink in 10 minutes.  Then sent an e-mail to the tenant about where we could meet to exchange money and keys.  Cue a phone call from said tenant who was sputtering about really liking the place but could not abide a leak.  I sympathized and told him I understood, I did not expect him to stay.  I did not tell him the leak was fixed.

Cost me 1 month's rent (place is already leased again but for next month) but worth every penny.

That sounds like exactly the right decision. Your husband (and you ) were correct. One month lost rent is nothing compared to the agony that tenent would have caused you.

[Otterpop]

Thank you MariaE and Deetee.  I feel better about getting rid of him 2 days into a 1 year lease.  He seemed perplexed when I was agreeing with him and practically shoving the money into his hand.  His poor wife was making excuses for his plethora of angry messages.  She speculated that I had more hidden plumbing issues and the place would be upended for weeks.  I just said "Oh yes, I might have to tear up the walls.  Good thing you didn't move your furniture in.  Sign here please, don't want to waste any more of your time.  Buh Bye!"

We all should do this more often to PA people.  Just give them what they want *rubs hands* Muahahahaha.  Then come here and post your victories.