Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 126808 times)

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Shalamar

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #510 on: March 05, 2013, 07:42:04 AM »
Ha ha ha!   That reminds me of a story Tina Fey told in her book "Bossypants".   Amy Poehler told an off-color anecdote, and one of the male cast members of SNL said "Oh, don't talk like that!   It's so unladylike, and I don't like to hear it!"  (For the record, he was eavesdropping, so he didn't HAVE to hear it.).  Amy glared at him and said "I'll talk however I want.  I don't give a f*** what you like."

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #511 on: March 05, 2013, 10:43:41 AM »
Ha ha ha!   That reminds me of a story Tina Fey told in her book "Bossypants".   Amy Poehler told an off-color anecdote, and one of the male cast members of SNL said "Oh, don't talk like that!   It's so unladylike, and I don't like to hear it!"  (For the record, he was eavesdropping, so he didn't HAVE to hear it.).  Amy glared at him and said "I'll talk however I want.  I don't give a f*** what you like."

::Applause::
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violinp

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #512 on: March 07, 2013, 03:39:03 PM »
Ha ha ha!   That reminds me of a story Tina Fey told in her book "Bossypants".   Amy Poehler told an off-color anecdote, and one of the male cast members of SNL said "Oh, don't talk like that!   It's so unladylike, and I don't like to hear it!"  (For the record, he was eavesdropping, so he didn't HAVE to hear it.).  Amy glared at him and said "I'll talk however I want.  I don't give a f*** what you like."

::Applause::

 ;D
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lorelai

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #513 on: January 14, 2014, 02:25:05 AM »
My way of dealing with my PA mil is to respond with cluelessness when she starts in on me going to school instead of taking care of her son. It's more like one class, one night a week. But I was studying for the GRE's for awhile.

MIL: What did you do today?
Me: mostly studied.
MIL: You study all the time! Do you ever do anything else?
Me: I know, right? I'm so lucky. I get to take these classes to further my career and I love to study. It's so nice that I get to do it so often!
MIL: When do you have time to be with my son?
Me: DH really likes it too! Then he can do x or y. It's nice to be together and it's also nice to spend time apart, you know?
MIL: grumble grumble

I'm just waiting to hear if I got into grad school so the real PA comments can start! Ha!

MissRose

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #514 on: January 14, 2014, 08:31:28 AM »
I'm mostly on Wonderfullyanonymous' side on this one.  It's all well and good if you want kids to participate in the daily household chores, but you better be sure it's equitable across all of them.  Having someone come home after being gone and having them clean up messes created by someone else doesn't prepare your child for anything but resentment.  Especially if, as it sounds, the siblings don't have the same expectation.

I tried to POD this hours ago...before my power went off. 

My brother and I frequently use resentment as our middle name...

I resented the fact as a kid then as a teen that my mother had me and my sister do a lot of chores growing up.  Especially when we knew our cousins of the same age rarely did any chores and to really get us mad was most of the neighbor kids didn't do chores either.   When my mother worked some outside of the home when I was a teenager, my younger sister would not want to do her work and often make me do some of her work for her.  My mother seldom believed me when I said anything about it and my sister back in the day would go ballistic if I tattled on her.   Looking back, the way me and my sister acted we hoped it would get us of doing work but we are better for knowing how to do housework as adults & our mother would NEVER back down then do the work herself.

hjaye

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #515 on: January 14, 2014, 10:38:39 AM »
Speaking of restaurants, I remember when my grandmother was alive - she'd always deliberately order the cheapest thing on the menu and then complain about it.   My parents (who were paying) would beg her to order what she wanted to eat as opposed to the cheapest thing, but noooo!

That reminds me of this joke:

Lady 1: The food at this restaurant is terrible
Lady 2: Yes the food is dry, over cooked and barley edible
Lady 3: yes I agree, and the portions are so small...................... ba da bump

Twik

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #516 on: January 14, 2014, 11:01:19 AM »
Ha ha ha!   That reminds me of a story Tina Fey told in her book "Bossypants".   Amy Poehler told an off-color anecdote, and one of the male cast members of SNL said "Oh, don't talk like that!   It's so unladylike, and I don't like to hear it!"  (For the record, he was eavesdropping, so he didn't HAVE to hear it.).  Amy glared at him and said "I'll talk however I want.  I don't give a f*** what you like."

::Applause::
Why? That's pretty clear retaliatory rudeness.
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Phoebelion

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #517 on: January 14, 2014, 11:23:55 AM »
Currently, DH is the Executor of his father's estate.  The other heir as well as numerous non-heirs have threatened to "fire" him because he is doing what his dad's will and the law say he must do.  Because he is not doing what they want him to do.

He asked who was taking over so he could send them the paperwork he had accumulated.

End of threats.

darling

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #518 on: January 14, 2014, 12:39:02 PM »
Ha ha ha!   That reminds me of a story Tina Fey told in her book "Bossypants".   Amy Poehler told an off-color anecdote, and one of the male cast members of SNL said "Oh, don't talk like that!   It's so unladylike, and I don't like to hear it!"  (For the record, he was eavesdropping, so he didn't HAVE to hear it.).  Amy glared at him and said "I'll talk however I want.  I don't give a f*** what you like."

::Applause::
Why? That's pretty clear retaliatory rudeness.

Between comedians, and especially in the situation Amy and Tina were  in at the time, when the guys were talking just like that in front of the "ladies", I'd say she stood her ground appropriately to the situation at hand. As someone who acts, generally offense is not taken at comebacks and retorts, but rather, a "you got me there!" and "how can we use this later???". They are in the entertainment business, not the etiquette business.

z_squared82

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #519 on: January 14, 2014, 04:59:07 PM »
Posting for updates at the moment. Will add when Iíve read everything. And made a list.

Sirius

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #520 on: January 14, 2014, 05:30:08 PM »
Kind of like Sheila's story (which is what reminded me about him!) I used to have a boyfriend who would always pull the "I am not good enough for you, you can do better" routine all of the time... and I was of course supposed to fawn all over him and reassure him that oh no, I loved him and he was perfect.  Which I did.  For a while.  (Hey, I was in college and stupid.)

And then one day I just got fed up with the whole routine, and when he started in on his "I am not good enough..." lines, I said something like "You're right, you really aren't good enough and I probably can do a lot better" and dumped him on the spot.  It wasn't until after I dumped him that I realized just how creepy and controlling he was, and that I had really dodged a bullet.   

Had one of those, too.  Dodged a major bullet. 

poundcake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #521 on: January 15, 2014, 07:36:11 AM »
My mother is a pro at PA behavior, to the point that she would be gobsmacked if her family members pointed out that what she does is passive aggressive. My sib and I call it her way of "fighting with us." There are so many little occurrences, but we knew when Mom's sister, with whom she shared a home, finally died, she was going to go off the deep end with unhealthy behavior, because we weren't going to do what she wanted and expected us to do: pay off all her bills and buy the house for her, since she couldn't afford to live there alone w/out her sis.

There were months of tiny warnings as we all mourned the loss of a beloved family member and tried to help Mom come up with a variety of potential solutions to her money woes, but none of that was going to work for some reason or another. Both Sib and I already lived out of state, and I had to take a position out of the country. A few months later, when I was on an international flight back to the States for an important work conference, Mom texted both Sib and I with a veiled "goodbye, cruel world" message. In between connecting flights, we had exactly 20 minutes to handle things. We both knew what Mom wanted and expected: both of her kids to immediately fly to her city. Especially me, since I was now in the country and in an airport. That wasn't possible. So we decided to take her PA statement seriously, and called the cops to make a welfare check. Then ended up taking her in for care, and, because she was such a mess, actually kept her two days LONGER. We got all of her friends around her, despite the fact that she "didn't want to be a bother" to them, and made it clear that Mom was suicidal, neither of us could afford to fly 3000-6000 miles, and she needed an immediate as well as a long-distance support group. Within weeks, one friend helped her find an apartment, and five of them started having regular card games and BBQs, no longer taking it at face value when Mom insisted she was "fine." (Because you don't burden your friends, just your kids?)

It was amazing to me that these women who had known her for almost 50 years had no idea that their cheerful little bundle of sunshine had a severe problem with depression, and that "the kids" couldn't fix or take care of it like we had been for decades any more.

She's on stronger anti-depressants, and lost the family house, but, frankly, her behaviors have consequences. While now, she will still make a few PA digs about her time in "the nuthouse" and how it harmed her, she has never, ever tried that PA "I'll be gone soon and won't be a burden to you kids" b.s. again since she saw that, instead of playing by her expected script, we will take it seriously. And act. Immediately.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2014, 07:38:11 AM by poundcake »

GratefulMaria

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #522 on: January 15, 2014, 09:12:32 AM »
My mother is a pro at PA behavior, to the point that she would be gobsmacked if her family members pointed out that what she does is passive aggressive. My sib and I call it her way of "fighting with us." There are so many little occurrences, but we knew when Mom's sister, with whom she shared a home, finally died, she was going to go off the deep end with unhealthy behavior, because we weren't going to do what she wanted and expected us to do: pay off all her bills and buy the house for her, since she couldn't afford to live there alone w/out her sis.

There were months of tiny warnings as we all mourned the loss of a beloved family member and tried to help Mom come up with a variety of potential solutions to her money woes, but none of that was going to work for some reason or another. Both Sib and I already lived out of state, and I had to take a position out of the country. A few months later, when I was on an international flight back to the States for an important work conference, Mom texted both Sib and I with a veiled "goodbye, cruel world" message. In between connecting flights, we had exactly 20 minutes to handle things. We both knew what Mom wanted and expected: both of her kids to immediately fly to her city. Especially me, since I was now in the country and in an airport. That wasn't possible. So we decided to take her PA statement seriously, and called the cops to make a welfare check. Then ended up taking her in for care, and, because she was such a mess, actually kept her two days LONGER. We got all of her friends around her, despite the fact that she "didn't want to be a bother" to them, and made it clear that Mom was suicidal, neither of us could afford to fly 3000-6000 miles, and she needed an immediate as well as a long-distance support group. Within weeks, one friend helped her find an apartment, and five of them started having regular card games and BBQs, no longer taking it at face value when Mom insisted she was "fine." (Because you don't burden your friends, just your kids?)

It was amazing to me that these women who had known her for almost 50 years had no idea that their cheerful little bundle of sunshine had a severe problem with depression, and that "the kids" couldn't fix or take care of it like we had been for decades any more.

She's on stronger anti-depressants, and lost the family house, but, frankly, her behaviors have consequences. While now, she will still make a few PA digs about her time in "the nuthouse" and how it harmed her, she has never, ever tried that PA "I'll be gone soon and won't be a burden to you kids" b.s. again since she saw that, instead of playing by her expected script, we will take it seriously. And act. Immediately.

poundcake, my jaw is hanging open.  My mother's the same about "not wanting to be a bother" to others but sulking when I don't coddle her at the first hint of dissatisfaction, depression (mild, but about which she refuses to do anything but complain to me), or loneliness (for me and my attention).  I have to say she is more "PA lite" and has been responsive once I called her on it, so things did not get to a crisis point here.

Good for you and your sibling doing what's healthy for all of you!

AzaleaBloom

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #523 on: January 15, 2014, 10:26:27 AM »
I spent two years with a guy who was the king of obstructionist PA behavior.  He would - sometimes reluctantly - agree to do something, then deliberately make it difficult to get it done.  His hope was that I would eventually tell him to forget it.  Before I caught on to what he was doing, I usually would.  However, once I started figuring it out, I stopped letting him off the hook.

The best example I have is when my BFF "Ashley" got married.  Ashley and I had drifted apart for a few years at this point, but had very recently reconnected.  (nothing bad happened, just normal ebbs and flows of life.)  She had invited both of us to her wedding.  Prior to this, I had spent a good chunk of my summer rearranging my weekend work schedule so I could go with PA Boyfriend to his friends' weddings.  I think there were three of them that summer.  So, when I told him we had been invited to Ashley's wedding, he heaved a huge sigh, but agreed to go.

The wedding was at 11 on a Saturday morning.  He generally got up at 9 during the week, so he was not going to have to get up any earlier than normal.  Still, I arrived at his house with coffee (made the very particular way he liked it) and his favorite type of muffin at 10:15 that morning.  He was lying in bed, fully clothed, but sound asleep.  When I walked into his room, he woke up, and started to very slowly get up and start moving.  He kept glancing over at me to see how I was reacting - I'm sure in hopes that I would tell him to forget it.  Instead, I told him that we needed to leave in 15 minutes and that his coffee and food were downstairs.

He did go and we got to the wedidng on time, but he made sure everyone - including the bride and groom - knew he did NOT want to be there.

Had he said no from the beginning when I asked him to go, I'm not going to lie, there would have been a fight.  He knew that.  In the past, though, when he dragged his feet and found all these things he HAD to do before we could leave, I would always cave and tell him he - or we - didn't have to go.  And I was done with that.

He realized I was going to take what he said at face value - if he said he was going to do something, I expected him to do it.  I realized that me asking him to do things and then holding him to it meant he was going to make sure everyone was miserable.

We broke up less than two months later.

gramma dishes

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #524 on: January 15, 2014, 10:33:09 AM »

...  We broke up less than two months later.

Is that a typo?  If it had been me, we'd have broken up about two minutes later!!   :)