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Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 303359 times)

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Phoebelion

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #495 on: January 14, 2014, 10:23:55 AM »
Currently, DH is the Executor of his father's estate.  The other heir as well as numerous non-heirs have threatened to "fire" him because he is doing what his dad's will and the law say he must do.  Because he is not doing what they want him to do.

He asked who was taking over so he could send them the paperwork he had accumulated.

End of threats.

darling

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #496 on: January 14, 2014, 11:39:02 AM »
Ha ha ha!   That reminds me of a story Tina Fey told in her book "Bossypants".   Amy Poehler told an off-color anecdote, and one of the male cast members of SNL said "Oh, don't talk like that!   It's so unladylike, and I don't like to hear it!"  (For the record, he was eavesdropping, so he didn't HAVE to hear it.).  Amy glared at him and said "I'll talk however I want.  I don't give a f*** what you like."

::Applause::
Why? That's pretty clear retaliatory rudeness.

Between comedians, and especially in the situation Amy and Tina were  in at the time, when the guys were talking just like that in front of the "ladies", I'd say she stood her ground appropriately to the situation at hand. As someone who acts, generally offense is not taken at comebacks and retorts, but rather, a "you got me there!" and "how can we use this later???". They are in the entertainment business, not the etiquette business.

z_squared82

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #497 on: January 14, 2014, 03:59:07 PM »
Posting for updates at the moment. Will add when Iíve read everything. And made a list.

Sirius

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #498 on: January 14, 2014, 04:30:08 PM »
Kind of like Sheila's story (which is what reminded me about him!) I used to have a boyfriend who would always pull the "I am not good enough for you, you can do better" routine all of the time... and I was of course supposed to fawn all over him and reassure him that oh no, I loved him and he was perfect.  Which I did.  For a while.  (Hey, I was in college and stupid.)

And then one day I just got fed up with the whole routine, and when he started in on his "I am not good enough..." lines, I said something like "You're right, you really aren't good enough and I probably can do a lot better" and dumped him on the spot.  It wasn't until after I dumped him that I realized just how creepy and controlling he was, and that I had really dodged a bullet.   

Had one of those, too.  Dodged a major bullet. 

poundcake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #499 on: January 15, 2014, 06:36:11 AM »
My mother is a pro at PA behavior, to the point that she would be gobsmacked if her family members pointed out that what she does is passive aggressive. My sib and I call it her way of "fighting with us." There are so many little occurrences, but we knew when Mom's sister, with whom she shared a home, finally died, she was going to go off the deep end with unhealthy behavior, because we weren't going to do what she wanted and expected us to do: pay off all her bills and buy the house for her, since she couldn't afford to live there alone w/out her sis.

There were months of tiny warnings as we all mourned the loss of a beloved family member and tried to help Mom come up with a variety of potential solutions to her money woes, but none of that was going to work for some reason or another. Both Sib and I already lived out of state, and I had to take a position out of the country. A few months later, when I was on an international flight back to the States for an important work conference, Mom texted both Sib and I with a veiled "goodbye, cruel world" message. In between connecting flights, we had exactly 20 minutes to handle things. We both knew what Mom wanted and expected: both of her kids to immediately fly to her city. Especially me, since I was now in the country and in an airport. That wasn't possible. So we decided to take her PA statement seriously, and called the cops to make a welfare check. Then ended up taking her in for care, and, because she was such a mess, actually kept her two days LONGER. We got all of her friends around her, despite the fact that she "didn't want to be a bother" to them, and made it clear that Mom was suicidal, neither of us could afford to fly 3000-6000 miles, and she needed an immediate as well as a long-distance support group. Within weeks, one friend helped her find an apartment, and five of them started having regular card games and BBQs, no longer taking it at face value when Mom insisted she was "fine." (Because you don't burden your friends, just your kids?)

It was amazing to me that these women who had known her for almost 50 years had no idea that their cheerful little bundle of sunshine had a severe problem with depression, and that "the kids" couldn't fix or take care of it like we had been for decades any more.

She's on stronger anti-depressants, and lost the family house, but, frankly, her behaviors have consequences. While now, she will still make a few PA digs about her time in "the nuthouse" and how it harmed her, she has never, ever tried that PA "I'll be gone soon and won't be a burden to you kids" b.s. again since she saw that, instead of playing by her expected script, we will take it seriously. And act. Immediately.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2014, 06:38:11 AM by poundcake »

GratefulMaria

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #500 on: January 15, 2014, 08:12:32 AM »
My mother is a pro at PA behavior, to the point that she would be gobsmacked if her family members pointed out that what she does is passive aggressive. My sib and I call it her way of "fighting with us." There are so many little occurrences, but we knew when Mom's sister, with whom she shared a home, finally died, she was going to go off the deep end with unhealthy behavior, because we weren't going to do what she wanted and expected us to do: pay off all her bills and buy the house for her, since she couldn't afford to live there alone w/out her sis.

There were months of tiny warnings as we all mourned the loss of a beloved family member and tried to help Mom come up with a variety of potential solutions to her money woes, but none of that was going to work for some reason or another. Both Sib and I already lived out of state, and I had to take a position out of the country. A few months later, when I was on an international flight back to the States for an important work conference, Mom texted both Sib and I with a veiled "goodbye, cruel world" message. In between connecting flights, we had exactly 20 minutes to handle things. We both knew what Mom wanted and expected: both of her kids to immediately fly to her city. Especially me, since I was now in the country and in an airport. That wasn't possible. So we decided to take her PA statement seriously, and called the cops to make a welfare check. Then ended up taking her in for care, and, because she was such a mess, actually kept her two days LONGER. We got all of her friends around her, despite the fact that she "didn't want to be a bother" to them, and made it clear that Mom was suicidal, neither of us could afford to fly 3000-6000 miles, and she needed an immediate as well as a long-distance support group. Within weeks, one friend helped her find an apartment, and five of them started having regular card games and BBQs, no longer taking it at face value when Mom insisted she was "fine." (Because you don't burden your friends, just your kids?)

It was amazing to me that these women who had known her for almost 50 years had no idea that their cheerful little bundle of sunshine had a severe problem with depression, and that "the kids" couldn't fix or take care of it like we had been for decades any more.

She's on stronger anti-depressants, and lost the family house, but, frankly, her behaviors have consequences. While now, she will still make a few PA digs about her time in "the nuthouse" and how it harmed her, she has never, ever tried that PA "I'll be gone soon and won't be a burden to you kids" b.s. again since she saw that, instead of playing by her expected script, we will take it seriously. And act. Immediately.

poundcake, my jaw is hanging open.  My mother's the same about "not wanting to be a bother" to others but sulking when I don't coddle her at the first hint of dissatisfaction, depression (mild, but about which she refuses to do anything but complain to me), or loneliness (for me and my attention).  I have to say she is more "PA lite" and has been responsive once I called her on it, so things did not get to a crisis point here.

Good for you and your sibling doing what's healthy for all of you!

AzaleaBloom

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #501 on: January 15, 2014, 09:26:27 AM »
I spent two years with a guy who was the king of obstructionist PA behavior.  He would - sometimes reluctantly - agree to do something, then deliberately make it difficult to get it done.  His hope was that I would eventually tell him to forget it.  Before I caught on to what he was doing, I usually would.  However, once I started figuring it out, I stopped letting him off the hook.

The best example I have is when my BFF "Ashley" got married.  Ashley and I had drifted apart for a few years at this point, but had very recently reconnected.  (nothing bad happened, just normal ebbs and flows of life.)  She had invited both of us to her wedding.  Prior to this, I had spent a good chunk of my summer rearranging my weekend work schedule so I could go with PA Boyfriend to his friends' weddings.  I think there were three of them that summer.  So, when I told him we had been invited to Ashley's wedding, he heaved a huge sigh, but agreed to go.

The wedding was at 11 on a Saturday morning.  He generally got up at 9 during the week, so he was not going to have to get up any earlier than normal.  Still, I arrived at his house with coffee (made the very particular way he liked it) and his favorite type of muffin at 10:15 that morning.  He was lying in bed, fully clothed, but sound asleep.  When I walked into his room, he woke up, and started to very slowly get up and start moving.  He kept glancing over at me to see how I was reacting - I'm sure in hopes that I would tell him to forget it.  Instead, I told him that we needed to leave in 15 minutes and that his coffee and food were downstairs.

He did go and we got to the wedidng on time, but he made sure everyone - including the bride and groom - knew he did NOT want to be there.

Had he said no from the beginning when I asked him to go, I'm not going to lie, there would have been a fight.  He knew that.  In the past, though, when he dragged his feet and found all these things he HAD to do before we could leave, I would always cave and tell him he - or we - didn't have to go.  And I was done with that.

He realized I was going to take what he said at face value - if he said he was going to do something, I expected him to do it.  I realized that me asking him to do things and then holding him to it meant he was going to make sure everyone was miserable.

We broke up less than two months later.

gramma dishes

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #502 on: January 15, 2014, 09:33:09 AM »

...  We broke up less than two months later.

Is that a typo?  If it had been me, we'd have broken up about two minutes later!!   :)

Mental Magpie

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #503 on: January 17, 2014, 06:38:23 AM »
I spent two years with a guy who was the king of obstructionist PA behavior.  He would - sometimes reluctantly - agree to do something, then deliberately make it difficult to get it done.  His hope was that I would eventually tell him to forget it.  Before I caught on to what he was doing, I usually would.  However, once I started figuring it out, I stopped letting him off the hook.

The best example I have is when my BFF "Ashley" got married.  Ashley and I had drifted apart for a few years at this point, but had very recently reconnected.  (nothing bad happened, just normal ebbs and flows of life.)  She had invited both of us to her wedding.  Prior to this, I had spent a good chunk of my summer rearranging my weekend work schedule so I could go with PA Boyfriend to his friends' weddings.  I think there were three of them that summer.  So, when I told him we had been invited to Ashley's wedding, he heaved a huge sigh, but agreed to go.

The wedding was at 11 on a Saturday morning.  He generally got up at 9 during the week, so he was not going to have to get up any earlier than normal.  Still, I arrived at his house with coffee (made the very particular way he liked it) and his favorite type of muffin at 10:15 that morning.  He was lying in bed, fully clothed, but sound asleep.  When I walked into his room, he woke up, and started to very slowly get up and start moving.  He kept glancing over at me to see how I was reacting - I'm sure in hopes that I would tell him to forget it.  Instead, I told him that we needed to leave in 15 minutes and that his coffee and food were downstairs.

He did go and we got to the wedidng on time, but he made sure everyone - including the bride and groom - knew he did NOT want to be there.

Had he said no from the beginning when I asked him to go, I'm not going to lie, there would have been a fight.  He knew that.  In the past, though, when he dragged his feet and found all these things he HAD to do before we could leave, I would always cave and tell him he - or we - didn't have to go.  And I was done with that.

He realized I was going to take what he said at face value - if he said he was going to do something, I expected him to do it.  I realized that me asking him to do things and then holding him to it meant he was going to make sure everyone was miserable.

We broke up less than two months later.

This is my ex, surely; my friends now call him The Fun Sucker.

GregariousIntrovert

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #504 on: January 21, 2014, 03:50:55 PM »
Ex husband was champion of PA behavior!  Here is just a snippet of the joys of daily life with him -

- At random times he would simply ask "why do you hate me?", or declare that I would be happy when he dead.

- He'd ask if I wanted to go somewhere, and I say "sure, let me change clothes/grab my purse/etc" only to come back to find that he was pulling out of the driveway.  Of course I fell for the cat and mouse game every time and chased him down.  "You weren't ready when I was so I figured that meant you didn't want to go"

-He regularly told me that the average woman was a size 6 and did I know that underweight woman had healthier babies?  Followed with "not that it matters because you don't love me enough to have my kids anyway." 

-I'd ask him to at least get his dishes to the counter for me to load into the dishwasher - "FINE! Never cook for me again!"  and also the classic I'LL TAKE ALL MY LAUNDRY TO THE DRY CLEANERS! because i asked if he could get his clothes into the hamper.  This happened at least several times a year.  Funny how I still had to keep cooking and cleaning!

-However, sometimes I'd make something and he'd look at it and go "oh, that doesn't look good, I'm going out" and he would. Or he'd ask for something specific and then call from work to say he decided to go the baseball game with a coworker - after it was already in the oven. Or, I didn't happen to have breakfast ready by the time he came down from getting ready for work which of course could only mean one thing - I GUESS YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!  That was also the classic line if I didn't have his work clothes picked out for him by the time he thought it should be done.

-He'd occasionally ask "aren't those pants kind of slutty for work?"  When I'd get into the office I'd ask someone and they'd laugh at me until they realized I was asking a serious question. 

-I planned and replanned our wedding three times because he would all of a sudden decide the date wouldn't work.

-We'd be out for what appeared to be a decent evening with people and then we'd get in the car and he'd turn to me and say "I can't believe you would embarrass me like that!" and proceed to tear me a new one.   Of course he'd never fess up to what I had actually done.  I suppose I should have been grateful to be out at all though because every single time we went out he'd pull the "you don't really have to go. you don't even want to go right?"  a few times we even set out and he turned around to take me back home because he decided i didn't really want to go did I?  commence begging from me!

-The issue of having kids was when I finally saw my chance to get out though.  Crazily enough I didn't like his genius plan to have me be his wife, and he'd find another woman to have kids with.  When I didn't go for that, he declared, well maybe we should get separated then.  And I said - you know what? maybe we should!  CHECKMATE!  It was a long and crazy ordeal full of other PA behaviors (i'm going to kill myself, yada yada, the whole nine yards), but I did eventually get away!

These seem so funny now because they are just so utterly ridiculous, it almost embarrasses me to think that I thought this was normal.  And this is just the PA stuff, the downright regular aggressive stuff is crazy too.  The story does have a happy ending though - I met an absolute doll of a man who I have been married to for three years now and we have a wonderful, happy and healthy marriage.  I don't take it for granted for a second!


Mel the Redcap

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #505 on: January 21, 2014, 05:15:20 PM »
...GregariousIntrovert, that's not just PA, that's freakin' Darth Vader behaviour! :o Glad you're out of that mess!
"Set aphasia to stun!"

Iris

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #506 on: January 21, 2014, 05:21:06 PM »
Pod to Mel! Congrats on escaping that lunatic.

Although EvilIris is secretly having a little snorty giggle at a grown man getting in a snit because his wife hadn't *picked out his clothes for him*.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

nuit93

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #507 on: January 21, 2014, 05:48:24 PM »
Err...I think that goes beyond PA behavior to downright abusive!

Julian

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #508 on: January 21, 2014, 05:54:12 PM »
Pod to Mel! Congrats on escaping that lunatic.

Although EvilIris is secretly having a little snorty giggle at a grown man getting in a snit because his wife hadn't *picked out his clothes for him*.

Yeah, that was the bit that stuck out to me too.  Seriously?? 

I'd have run at the three wedding dates...

Out on the patio we'd sit,
And the humidity we'd breathe,
We'd watch the lightning crack over canefields
Laugh and think, this is Australia.

Ganggajang - Sounds Of Then (This Is Australia)

Ceallach

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #509 on: January 21, 2014, 07:22:33 PM »
My mother is a lovely person, would do anything for her kids and friends, if anything she's actually a bit of a doormat she's so self-sacrificing - but BOY is she PA.    We have always called her on it, and to be far she has improved over the years, when she realised we would hold her to face value of what she said.

My favourite example is from when I was 16 years old, I'm pretty sure I've told this story on eHell somewhere before.   My parents had been legally separated for 8 years, but only recently divorced.  My Dad had a girlfriend "Susan" he'd been with for 2 years, they'd just moved in together.   

Once day I was driving in the car with my mother and siblings, and the topic of weddings came up for some reason.   Sadly, I can't recall the exact wording, but my mother basically said that if I got married and "Susan" was coming, she wouldn't attend and would just go to the church separately to pray.  She said this in the most PA way you can imagine, with a bit of a sniff.   What she wanted me to say was "Of course we wouldn't pick Susan over you!" or beg her to come.   Instead my very calm response was "You're not going to come to your own daughter's wedding?  That's really sad."   She backtracked quite quickly and we moved on, never to discuss the topic again.   I got married when I was 22, and both Susan and my mother did attend my wedding!   ;D
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"