General Etiquette > Family and Children

We're in the Doghouse with Mom...

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cicero:

--- Quote from: Audrey Quest on November 24, 2012, 03:04:00 PM ---Wait a minute!  Your mom is in her 90s?
 
Cut her some slack and just be understanding.

Don't get defensive about her tactics--be bigger than that.  Express your disappointment that the situation has caused you to be apart and leave it at that.
 
The situation may get more difficult as time goes on.  It's just part of life.  It's a sad part of life, but it is what it is.

--- End quote ---
I agree.

and as for what can you do - just try to visit her when you can.

My father is in his 80s and can be extremely difficult to spend time with. he is not evil, or toxic, but he has his issues that get worse and worse. I take deep breaths and do my best. I commiserate with my friends who are going thru the same things with their parents.

Deetee:
If she is in her 90's (and has not been a guilt tripping person of unpleasantness her whole life) just cut her some slack.

Just think that her filters are going and she misses you and likes to see you. And, if she was expecting to see you, finding out a week before that she won't see you at would be pretty disapointing.

This doesn't mean you need to visit when it doesn't work for you or anything like that, but you will likely need some extra thick skin.

Peregrine:
My Mom calls this "Losing the thin veneer of civility."  She first noticed it with my Grandmother who had Parkinson's and (almost but not quite) some alzheimers type dementia issues.  She survived WWII, and had a hard time dealing with Asian caretakers at her care facility.  During her good times she was perfectly fine, but during certain episodes she became convinced that they were trying to kill her.

I have noticed the same issues start to rear their head with my other grandparents.  They just seem to lose that brain to mouth filter as they are ageing....Both are now in their 90's and while in reasonable health for their age, the don't get out as much anymore, and spend a lot of time watching 24 hour news channels which seems to have made them more paranoid and outspoken.

I don't think there is much you can do about it, other than ignoring it and moving on.

lkdrymom:
I don't see where age has anything to do with it. I see it as more of 'bragging rights'. My grandmother used to love saying "see what my son did for me...see what grand daughter did for me".  Her friend's son showed up but you couldn't...in her mind it made her look bad to her friends. You could do a million things for her but she will still be mad at the one time others saw you weren't there.

The Wild One, Forever:

--- Quote from: Audrey Quest on November 24, 2012, 03:04:00 PM ---Wait a minute!  Your mom is in her 90s?
 
Cut her some slack and just be understanding.

Don't get defensive about her tactics--be bigger than that.  Express your disappointment that the situation has caused you to be apart and leave it at that.
 
The situation may get more difficult as time goes on.  It's just part of life.  It's a sad part of life, but it is what it is.

--- End quote ---

This is a great assessment, and it's sad but true.  My own parents are nowhere close to their nineties, in excellent health, but I have noticed only over the past couple of years that their personalities are changing ever so slightly.  And it's one of the most difficult things to come to terms with.  It's unfortunate that she tried to lay such a guilt trip on you.  Is there any chance that all will be forgiven and forgotten by the time you get to visit her next month? 

All that said, I am impressed that your mother golfs and cooks!  I want to be able to do all that in my nineties, that's amazing. 

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