Author Topic: Gifting brothers differently.  (Read 11723 times)

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SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #15 on: November 24, 2012, 05:49:56 PM »
...   As for all those years you didn't gift him, doesn't matter an iota.  It wasn't the OP's fault either for not being able to gift him all those years and the very first oppurtunity to do so, she did.  And he couldn't even thank the OP verbally.  No matter how someone was raised, please and thank you is very basic skills that everyone should know.

You do know we're not talking about "gifts" here as in the 'wrapped up presents' sense of the word, right?

We're talking about this teenager (a tough enough time of life anyway) who has never had the 'gift' of family here.  No, not his fault.  No, not the OP's fault.  Circumstances beyond either of their control determined that. 

But the younger brother has had the joy and comfort of knowing this family, knowing they love him, knowing they care about him for his whole life.  Will has had none of that.  The gift of being part of this family has never been his until very recently.

I never said they were gifted equally. I said that I gave them the same amount of cash. Also, Christmas gifts are really all I am asking about.

I am not asking about all the other "gifts" that they may or may not have gotten in life.

SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #16 on: November 24, 2012, 05:52:41 PM »
I think Marbles makes a good point. Mention it to your brother. I know many, many 15 year olds who were raised in good homes with good manners instilled who would forget to say thank you simply because they felt overwhelmed in a strange situation and without their parent to guide them. Even a casual "Did you remember to thank Aunt Sio?" from your brother would do the trick.

Other than that, I think it's a bit rough to write him off over one forgotten thank you at an awkward age in an awkward situation. I would cut him some slack.

I can't/won't  bring this up with my brother. He can do nothing about it. Even then, I would consider that overkill considering the situation.

Since the only person that I can control is myself, that is what I am going to focus on. What I should or shouldn't do going forward.

SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #17 on: November 24, 2012, 05:55:09 PM »
I wouldn't lay his lack of Thanks solely on his mother's doorstep. Why hasn't his Dad taught him this if Mom hasn't?

OP, have you mentioned to your brother that his son never thanked you for your Christmas gift last year? Your Bro needs to coach Will to say "thank you" (or text, phone, or message if the gift is opened later) because that's an important part of fitting-in in your family and in society in general.

I was thinking the same thing. Why didn't your brother prompt him to thank you, either at the moment, or later on?

My brother wasn't there. The whole thing was kept a secret from my brother.

Sharnita

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #18 on: November 24, 2012, 05:59:50 PM »
Sio, when the title of your thread is "Gifting brothers differently" it seems reasonable for people to address the fact that the brothers haven't been gifted equally, although I think gramma dishes was responding to something Zilla posted.

Sharnita

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #19 on: November 24, 2012, 06:08:50 PM »
If this gift and/or interaction had to be kept fromhis father (no idea if the whole relationship with the family in general was done in secret) then I think this kid deserves a major pass.  I don't know why he/it/you (?)  have to be kept a secret but I would think being denied all of those connections and then being kept sectret could be really confusing, possibly hurtful. This all sounds like a whole lot for a 15 year old to deal with - actually it sounds like a lot for a mature adult.  I don't know how I would handle it so judging the choices this kid made while keeping it from at least one parent? 

SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #20 on: November 24, 2012, 06:11:47 PM »
If this gift and/or interaction had to be kept fromhis father (no idea if the whole relationship with the family in general was done in secret) then I think this kid deserves a major pass.  I don't know why he/it/you (?)  have to be kept a secret but I would think being denied all of those connections and then being kept sectret could be really confusing, possibly hurtful. This all sounds like a whole lot for a 15 year old to deal with - actually it sounds like a lot for a mature adult.  I don't know how I would handle it so judging the choices this kid made while keeping it from at least one parent?

Will did not know what was being kept from my brother.

Its a very complicated situation, which is why I didn't really want to jump into it. I had to mention it so that ehellions would know why I don't really have a relationship with Will.

Sharnita

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #21 on: November 24, 2012, 06:27:56 PM »
I think it sounds way too complicated too examine it as an etiquette issue.  Maybe with a family therapist who you can trust with all the details and back history.

Iris

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #22 on: November 24, 2012, 06:29:47 PM »
If this gift and/or interaction had to be kept fromhis father (no idea if the whole relationship with the family in general was done in secret) then I think this kid deserves a major pass.  I don't know why he/it/you (?)  have to be kept a secret but I would think being denied all of those connections and then being kept sectret could be really confusing, possibly hurtful. This all sounds like a whole lot for a 15 year old to deal with - actually it sounds like a lot for a mature adult.  I don't know how I would handle it so judging the choices this kid made while keeping it from at least one parent?

Will did not know what was being kept from my brother.

Its a very complicated situation, which is why I didn't really want to jump into it. I had to mention it so that ehellions would know why I don't really have a relationship with Will.

Given the extra information about the situation I honestly think that it would take a 15 year old of unusual grace and maturity to remember their manners consistently throughout. I would cut him some slack. If you model really good manners for him then he will probably pick up on that (maybe not immediately).
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #23 on: November 24, 2012, 06:32:35 PM »
I think it sounds way too complicated too examine it as an etiquette issue.  Maybe with a family therapist who you can trust with all the details and back history.

The only issue I had was whether or not to give them the same amount of cash or how i should go about it.


SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #24 on: November 24, 2012, 06:33:45 PM »
We were also raised not to write thank you notes.  Did he thank you verbally as you handed him the envelope? 
 
Maybe you can buy a gift instead of cash?

No, he didn't.

I would buy a gift, but I have no clue what he likes.

Even Riley seems to change his style/interests every couple of months.

You can gift him with movie tickets with popcorn and drinks from a local theater in his city.  Beauty of this is no value is put on it and he can sell it/give it away if he doesn't like movies.  Or allow him to treat a friend or date to the movies.
 
As for all those years you didn't gift him, doesn't matter an iota.  It wasn't the OP's fault either for not being able to gift him all those years and the very first oppurtunity to do so, she did.  And he couldn't even thank the OP verbally.  No matter how someone was raised, please and thank you is very basic skills that everyone should know.

That's a great idea! I hadn't thought about that. The movies are something that most teenagers enjoy, so he probably would too. Thanks!

gramma dishes

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #25 on: November 24, 2012, 06:37:10 PM »
I think it sounds way too complicated too examine it as an etiquette issue.  Maybe with a family therapist who you can trust with all the details and back history.

The situation is already complicated, but the secrecy issue (which we weren't previously aware of) makes it so much more so.  I have to agree with Sharnita.

SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #26 on: November 24, 2012, 06:40:05 PM »
I think it sounds way too complicated too examine it as an etiquette issue.  Maybe with a family therapist who you can trust with all the details and back history.

The situation is already complicated, but the secrecy issue (which we weren't previously aware of) makes it so much more so.  I have to agree with Sharnita.

You and Sharnita seem to be really stuck on a part of the background that has nothing to do with the Christmas gifts. I understand if you cannot look past it and I appreciate the advice. I would really like some advice on the actual Christmas gifts, so could we please stick to that?

Zilla

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #27 on: November 24, 2012, 06:43:20 PM »
...   As for all those years you didn't gift him, doesn't matter an iota.  It wasn't the OP's fault either for not being able to gift him all those years and the very first oppurtunity to do so, she did.  And he couldn't even thank the OP verbally.  No matter how someone was raised, please and thank you is very basic skills that everyone should know.

You do know we're not talking about "gifts" here as in the 'wrapped up presents' sense of the word, right?

We're talking about this teenager (a tough enough time of life anyway) who has never had the 'gift' of family here.  No, not his fault.  No, not the OP's fault.  Circumstances beyond either of their control determined that. 

But the younger brother has had the joy and comfort of knowing this family, knowing they love him, knowing they care about him for his whole life.  Will has had none of that.  The gift of being part of this family has never been his until very recently.

Again not the OP's fault either.  But I didn't realized there was a whole backstory of him not having family around.  I thought he was with his mother's side only till recently and now able to meet his dad's side of the famly. 
 
While I think the thank you note might be a bit beyond a typical teenager perhaps not raised that way (I think it's a great idea to see if bro can influence him to do so since his other son does) I do think at 16, he is accountable for saying thank you verbally.
 
ETA to add, just read the updates.  I think movie tickets are the way to go as well if you rather not gift the same amount in cash.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2012, 06:48:19 PM by Zilla »

SiotehCat

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #28 on: November 24, 2012, 06:46:59 PM »
...   As for all those years you didn't gift him, doesn't matter an iota.  It wasn't the OP's fault either for not being able to gift him all those years and the very first oppurtunity to do so, she did.  And he couldn't even thank the OP verbally.  No matter how someone was raised, please and thank you is very basic skills that everyone should know.

You do know we're not talking about "gifts" here as in the 'wrapped up presents' sense of the word, right?

We're talking about this teenager (a tough enough time of life anyway) who has never had the 'gift' of family here.  No, not his fault.  No, not the OP's fault.  Circumstances beyond either of their control determined that. 

But the younger brother has had the joy and comfort of knowing this family, knowing they love him, knowing they care about him for his whole life.  Will has had none of that.  The gift of being part of this family has never been his until very recently.

Again not the OP's fault either.  But I didn't realized there was a whole backstory of him not having family around.  I thought he was with his mother's side only till recently and now able to meet his dad's side of the famly. 
 
While I think the thank you note might be a bit beyond a typical teenager perhaps not raised that way (I think it's a great idea to see if bro can influence him to do so since his other son does) I do think at 16, he is accountable for saying thank you verbally.

You might have missed it, but I mentioned in an earlier post that my family doesn't do thank you notes either. Verbal thanks are the norm. Text or facebook messages are fine with me too.

Zilla

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Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #29 on: November 24, 2012, 06:49:44 PM »
...   As for all those years you didn't gift him, doesn't matter an iota.  It wasn't the OP's fault either for not being able to gift him all those years and the very first oppurtunity to do so, she did.  And he couldn't even thank the OP verbally.  No matter how someone was raised, please and thank you is very basic skills that everyone should know.

You do know we're not talking about "gifts" here as in the 'wrapped up presents' sense of the word, right?

We're talking about this teenager (a tough enough time of life anyway) who has never had the 'gift' of family here.  No, not his fault.  No, not the OP's fault.  Circumstances beyond either of their control determined that. 

But the younger brother has had the joy and comfort of knowing this family, knowing they love him, knowing they care about him for his whole life.  Will has had none of that.  The gift of being part of this family has never been his until very recently.

Again not the OP's fault either.  But I didn't realized there was a whole backstory of him not having family around.  I thought he was with his mother's side only till recently and now able to meet his dad's side of the famly. 
 
While I think the thank you note might be a bit beyond a typical teenager perhaps not raised that way (I think it's a great idea to see if bro can influence him to do so since his other son does) I do think at 16, he is accountable for saying thank you verbally.

You might have missed it, but I mentioned in an earlier post that my family doesn't do thank you notes either. Verbal thanks are the norm. Text or facebook messages are fine with me too.

Yep, just edited a post.  Computer isn't showing me notifications of new messages posted for some reason.