Author Topic: Gifting brothers differently.  (Read 11741 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

miranova

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2088
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #60 on: November 25, 2012, 08:20:06 PM »
I wouldn't lay his lack of Thanks solely on his mother's doorstep. Why hasn't his Dad taught him this if Mom hasn't?

OP, have you mentioned to your brother that his son never thanked you for your Christmas gift last year? Your Bro needs to coach Will to say "thank you" (or text, phone, or message if the gift is opened later) because that's an important part of fitting-in in your family and in society in general.
To be fair the Father didn't have contact with the son until recently

 I'm not sure being absent really excuses the dad unless he had absolutely no choice in the matter.

gorplady

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 626
  • “Put silk on a goat and it is still a goat”
    • PerfectDuluthDay
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #61 on: November 25, 2012, 10:50:37 PM »
<snip>
To be fair the Father didn't have contact with the son until recently

 I'm not sure being absent really excuses the dad unless he had absolutely no choice in the matter.

How can someone instruct anyone if they're not present in that person's life?

kareng57

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12283
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #62 on: November 26, 2012, 12:11:07 AM »
<snip>
To be fair the Father didn't have contact with the son until recently

 I'm not sure being absent really excuses the dad unless he had absolutely no choice in the matter.

How can someone instruct anyone if they're not present in that person's life?


That's kind of my take on it, as well.

Naturally people can do whatever they want in this kind of situation - such as never giving a gift again if they don't get a thank-you - but I think that it's preferable to take into account this particular child's background.

BeagleMommy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3137
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #63 on: November 26, 2012, 02:38:45 PM »
Sio, I would gift the boys equally.  Knowing what DS was like between the ages of 16-18 I can tell you that it is not unusual that this boy didn't express his thanks.  Many teenaged boys get kind of sulky and uncommunicative for about two years.  Fortunately, we were around DS when he received gifts and could nudge him to remind him of the manners we knew he had.

Add to this the fact that this young man has started to connect with a family he doesn't know and it might be overwhelming for him.  Patience would be the key.  He may end up being a completely different boy when he's 19 than he was at 16.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9828
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #64 on: November 27, 2012, 11:02:04 AM »
I agree with gorplady.  There is not enough of a relationship here where you can send that message (a YEAR later no less) without it coming across as scolding.  Will has no idea what Siotehcat's normal "tone" is because he hasn't spent a lot of time with her and so you can't use a normal aunt teaching her close nephew something.  The boys should be given the same gift amount and prompt for a response then if needed.

This. If I were in Will's shoes and got that message, I'd feel scolded, resentful and tense up around Sio. He's only met her once and it doesn't sound like they've been in contact in the meantime, so that first interaction would be soured by a late telling off.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Texas Mom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3840
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #65 on: November 27, 2012, 12:31:24 PM »
I've read the entire thread.

The etiquette question:  Should OP give Riley & Will equal amounts of cash after not receiving a thank you from Will last year?

My answer:  If the gifts are going to be given at the same time, Riley & Will should be given the same gift, not similar, not equivalent.
To do otherwise (in spite of  OP's feelings over lack of acknowledgement) would not be in the spirit of proper etiquette.

rashea

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9684
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #66 on: November 27, 2012, 12:53:09 PM »

My answer:  If the gifts are going to be given at the same time, Riley & Will should be given the same gift, not similar, not equivalent.
To do otherwise (in spite of  OP's feelings over lack of acknowledgement) would not be in the spirit of proper etiquette.

Why? Was it wrong for an Aunt to give me a cd of Plumb while my sister got a cd of Ace of Base?
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

Vermont

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8907
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #67 on: November 27, 2012, 12:55:39 PM »

My answer:  If the gifts are going to be given at the same time, Riley & Will should be given the same gift, not similar, not equivalent.
To do otherwise (in spite of  OP's feelings over lack of acknowledgement) would not be in the spirit of proper etiquette.

Why? Was it wrong for an Aunt to give me a cd of Plumb while my sister got a cd of Ace of Base?

I think she means if it's money amounts--at least I hope so. Equivalent gifts are not rude if they're "stuff" gifts.

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6470
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #68 on: November 27, 2012, 01:16:53 PM »
My initial reaction to a 16 year old not verbally thanking you upon receiving a gift was very negative and I thought I'd probably plan to reduce my gift to him the next year.

But I thought more about it and realized I'd be excited that the newphew was being re-introduced to the family that I wouldn't do anything that could potentially create a future rift with him.  Right now is when bridges are being created and as the adult, I'd be very forgiving over the next couple of years. 

So I'd give the same gift with the unspoken, internal message of "You can be as distant, sulky, and sullen, as you like but we'll still want you to be part of our family and since a big hug and a sloppy kiss is probably out of the question, here is some money to try and make that point."

Then after 2 more years, if a connection wasn't growing, I'd reduce my gifts to him.   


Texas Mom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3840
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #69 on: November 27, 2012, 01:20:48 PM »
I think she means if it's money amounts--at least I hope so. Equivalent gifts are not rude if they're "stuff" gifts.

I was talking about cash, which is what the OP indicated she gives, since teenagers' tastes change frequently.

My recommendation of the same gift was prompted by posters upthread suggesting giving Will movie tickets and Riley cash. 


ettiquit

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1662
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #70 on: November 27, 2012, 01:27:52 PM »
I'm glad you decided to give the brothers the same amount again.  I don't think I'd bring up last year's lack of thank you at all though.  It's been a year and I think the time to address it would have been shortly after the gift was given.

I do like the idea of saying something this year when you give the gift that will prompt him to contact you and let you know what he did with the money.  That's a great way to start fostering a relationship with him.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8907
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #71 on: November 27, 2012, 02:02:12 PM »
I'm glad you decided to give the brothers the same amount again.  I don't think I'd bring up last year's lack of thank you at all though.  It's been a year and I think the time to address it would have been shortly after the gift was given.

Yes, this. There are differing arguments on whether or how to bring it up around the time it happens. To bring it up now, a year later, is rather like being criticized in your performance review for something that was never brought up a year ago when you actually did it.  ;D You may be able to say something if he repeats the rudeness again this year.

SiotehCat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3708
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #72 on: November 27, 2012, 05:38:24 PM »
Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

Kaypeep

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2301
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #73 on: November 27, 2012, 11:28:00 PM »
In addition to a cash gift, perhaps you can give him a box of notecards, a book of stamps and an address book with family members names and addresses inside.  When you give it to him, you can tell him that TY's are a big deal in your family and now that he's a part of it, you wanted to pass on the tradition as older relatives did with you when you were young.  Use some of Toots' wording about how it's nice to hear appreciation for birthday gifts or xmas gifts.  Even a FB message saying TY and nice seeing you is also appreciated and helps foster good will.  And be sure to set an example to him, too.  Send him a TY if you get a gift from him, or send a FB message saying it was nice to spend time with him, how you enjoyed playing cards with him or whatever activity or memorable thing stands out.  Let him know he should send them to non family members too, maybe a teacher who helped him with a hard subject or something like that.  And when he's looking for a job, even if it's at McDonald's, a TY note thanking them for their time can go a long way in being memorable and landing the job.  Basically, teach him that TY's are a valuable life skill, not just a familial obligation to score more gifts.

miranova

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2088
Re: Gifting brothers differently.
« Reply #74 on: November 27, 2012, 11:28:49 PM »
<snip>
To be fair the Father didn't have contact with the son until recently

 I'm not sure being absent really excuses the dad unless he had absolutely no choice in the matter.

How can someone instruct anyone if they're not present in that person's life?

They can't, of course.  Which is my whole point.   In this young man's father voluntarily walked away from parenting responsibilities, then I think it's highly unfair to cast all blame for this young man's lack of manners on his mother.  Both parents have the responsibility to "be present" and instill values unless one is actually prevented from doing so against their will, which I allowed for as a possibility here.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2012, 11:35:31 PM by miranova »