Gifting brothers differently.

[miranova]

<snip>

To be fair the Father didn't have contact with the son until recently

 I'm not sure being absent really excuses the dad unless he had absolutely no choice in the matter.

How can someone instruct anyone if they're not present in that person's life?

They can't, of course.  Which is my whole point.   In this young man's father voluntarily walked away from parenting responsibilities, then I think it's highly unfair to cast all blame for this young man's lack of manners on his mother.  Both parents have the responsibility to "be present" and instill values unless one is actually prevented from doing so against their will, which I allowed for as a possibility here.

[AngelicGamer]

Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

Re: the bolded - please don't.  Even if he doesn't show up, I would still give the same amount of money.  The brothers are probably going to talk or Will is going to find out another way.  Even if you think that Will won't, Murphy's Law says that he will.  Which is the big reason why I would keep it equal no matter what.

[Addy]

Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

Re: the bolded - please don't.  Even if he doesn't show up, I would still give the same amount of money.  The brothers are probably going to talk or Will is going to find out another way.  Even if you think that Will won't, Murphy's Law says that he will.  Which is the big reason why I would keep it equal no matter what.

I agree. These boys are brothers, it is not inconceivable that they will talk. Also, does Will even have control over whether he "shows up" to this party?

I also agree with Miranova, I would be interested to know the details of why Will's father was not involved in his life before now before he gets a pass on being responsible for Will's lack of manners.

[MariaE]

Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

Re: the bolded - please don't.  Even if he doesn't show up, I would still give the same amount of money.  The brothers are probably going to talk or Will is going to find out another way.  Even if you think that Will won't, Murphy's Law says that he will.  Which is the big reason why I would keep it equal no matter what.

Completely agree.

[MindsEye]

Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

That sounds fine to me.

Honestly... you can gift however you want.  Not everything has to be 100% equal all of the time, and you are much closer (for various reasons) to one brother.  So, it just seems natural to me that of course you would gift them differently.  (My opinion only, YMMV)

[TurtleDove]

I agree. These boys are brothers, it is not inconceivable that they will talk. Also, does Will even have control over whether he "shows up" to this party?

I also agree with Miranova, I would be interested to know the details of why Will's father was not involved in his life before now before he gets a pass on being responsible for Will's lack of manners.

POD.  I think the OP can give whatever gifts she wants, but there will likely be consequences of unequal gifting.  Also, without knowing really any details, I feel really bad for Will, and would hate for him to feel as though he is currently being "punished" because adults failed him earlier in life (and seemingly still now). I don't think the OP's question can be truly answered without the background details. 

In general, I believe brothers should be gifted comparably. Based on what the OP has told us, I believe that gifting these particular brothers differently would really hammer home the message Will has gotten all his life of "you are not a part of this family."

[mj]

Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

That sounds fine to me.

Honestly... you can gift however you want.  Not everything has to be 100% equal all of the time, and you are much closer (for various reasons) to one brother.  So, it just seems natural to me that of course you would gift them differently.  (My opinion only, YMMV)

This goes against a lot of etiquette advice I've seen.  I'm much closer to one SIL, but I gift them both the same.  It's not fair the other SIL lives across the country and we don't have as much opportunity to bond.  I also gift both sets of kids from these SILs the same, irregardless that I'm closer to the set that lives near me. 

I would feel just terrible gifting kids differently because of their life circumstances.  It's not at all what the season is about. 

[sourwolf]

In addition to a cash gift, perhaps you can give him a box of notecards, a book of stamps and an address book with family members names and addresses inside.  When you give it to him, you can tell him that TY's are a big deal in your family and now that he's a part of it, you wanted to pass on the tradition as older relatives did with you when you were young.  Use some of Toots' wording about how it's nice to hear appreciation for birthday gifts or xmas gifts.  Even a FB message saying TY and nice seeing you is also appreciated and helps foster good will.  And be sure to set an example to him, too.  Send him a TY if you get a gift from him, or send a FB message saying it was nice to spend time with him, how you enjoyed playing cards with him or whatever activity or memorable thing stands out.  Let him know he should send them to non family members too, maybe a teacher who helped him with a hard subject or something like that.  And when he's looking for a job, even if it's at McDonald's, a TY note thanking them for their time can go a long way in being memorable and landing the job.  Basically, teach him that TY's are a valuable life skill, not just a familial obligation to score more gifts.

But that's a complete lie.  Sio said that thank you notes are *not* done in her family, they do verbal thank yous. 

[MindsEye]

Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

That sounds fine to me.

Honestly... you can gift however you want.  Not everything has to be 100% equal all of the time, and you are much closer (for various reasons) to one brother.  So, it just seems natural to me that of course you would gift them differently.  (My opinion only, YMMV)

This goes against a lot of etiquette advice I've seen.  I'm much closer to one SIL, but I gift them both the same.  It's not fair the other SIL lives across the country and we don't have as much opportunity to bond.  I also gift both sets of kids from these SILs the same, irregardless that I'm closer to the set that lives near me. 

I would feel just terrible gifting kids differently because of their life circumstances.  It's not at all what the season is about.

So I didn't explain myself well.....  by gifting differently I mean something like this - you know brother A very well, so you get him the deluxe tinkertoy set you know he will love, but don't know brother B very well so you get him a giftcard. 

The brothers don't have to get the exact same thing, and frankly I find the insistence on perfect fairness down to the exact same item or exact same dollar amount to be rather boggling.  Frankly, that kind of thing spoils the season for me.  Where is the pleasure of getting gifts for people when they all have to be gifted identically in order for everything to be perfectly fair?  Eh, that is only my personal opinion, and YMMV. 

[Yvaine]

The brothers don't have to get the exact same thing, and frankly I find the insistence on perfect fairness down to the exact same item or exact same dollar amount to be rather boggling.  Frankly, that kind of thing spoils the season for me.  Where is the pleasure of getting gifts for people when they all have to be gifted identically in order for everything to be perfectly fair?  Eh, that is only my personal opinion, and YMMV.

I had a relative who did identical-except-for-color gifts. I'd get red knit gloves, next oldest sis would get green knit gloves, then the next would get blue knit gloves..it got so we were careful to all open at once because SPOILERS! 

[Amara]

I've stayed out of this until now not only because I think you are getting excellent advice, OP, but also because it brings up very painful memories all these decades later. When I was in what is now called the tween/early teen years my maternal grandmother, who made me her favorite when I was younger because I was the first grandchild, did not like my growing independence. She made that point viciously with money, and one Christmas in particular was especially notable. I got a card with a $20 bill inside it and that would have made me very happy (this was about 1963-5)--except that my younger cousins got lots of brightly wrapped gifts, about $200 worth each. This was a major slap in the face, and I recognized it instantly. I never said anything to anyone, but I was deeply wounded and never forgave her. ETA: It completely and permanently destroyed the rel@tionship between myself and my cousins as well.

Please do not use gifts and/or money to favor one over the other, even unconsciously.

[Lynn2000]

Lots of good and interesting advice here. I may have missed it, but was there a mention of Will's other behavior last year, and throughout the year, regarding the OP? If someone doesn't literally say "thank you" upon a receiving a gift, but it is pleasant and friendly, and makes an effort to keep in touch with me, that would seem more positive to me. But if someone basically grabbed the gift and ran into the corner, and I hadn't heard anything at all from him since, that wouldn't be cool in my book.

But, I do like to give people a second chance at least, because anyone can have an off day. I like the idea of giving Will a gift equal to Riley's and then engaging him in conversation about it. Not only would that forge a bond in general, it would allow him to show his appreciation of the gift even if he didn't actually say "thanks."

And in this particular situation, with all the backstory, I admit that I would feel sorry for Will, and would probably try to give him more chances even if he didn't respond "the right way." That doesn't mean I would spend a ton of money on him each year, though. But maybe I would keep giving him $25 cash, and I would give Riley $25 cash at the same time; but maybe a couple weeks earlier I would've taken Riley to lunch, or otherwise "gifted" him away from the holidays, because I feel closer to him and he makes more of an effort to be closer to me.

[mj]

Okay, so I will give them the same amount of money.

However, if he doesn't show up to the Christmas party, I am going to give him less. In that case, since they won't be in the same place when opening their gifts, it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I won't say anything about last years "thank you", but if I don't get one this year, I will say something close to what Toots suggested.

That sounds fine to me.

Honestly... you can gift however you want.  Not everything has to be 100% equal all of the time, and you are much closer (for various reasons) to one brother.  So, it just seems natural to me that of course you would gift them differently.  (My opinion only, YMMV)

This goes against a lot of etiquette advice I've seen.  I'm much closer to one SIL, but I gift them both the same.  It's not fair the other SIL lives across the country and we don't have as much opportunity to bond.  I also gift both sets of kids from these SILs the same, irregardless that I'm closer to the set that lives near me. 

I would feel just terrible gifting kids differently because of their life circumstances.  It's not at all what the season is about.

So I didn't explain myself well.....  by gifting differently I mean something like this - you know brother A very well, so you get him the deluxe tinkertoy set you know he will love, but don't know brother B very well so you get him a giftcard. 

The brothers don't have to get the exact same thing, and frankly I find the insistence on perfect fairness down to the exact same item or exact same dollar amount to be rather boggling.  Frankly, that kind of thing spoils the season for me.  Where is the pleasure of getting gifts for people when they all have to be gifted identically in order for everything to be perfectly fair?  Eh, that is only my personal opinion, and YMMV.

I don't think gifts have to be identical.  Roughly and comparably equal, yes.  Giving one a $100 at the event, but giving the other one $50 who wasn't at the event is the type of issue I am addressing.  Giving one a giftcard that is roughly the same value as the deluxe gift is fine.  But going out of their way to give a lesser gift because one is not at the holiday and based on the idea that they are not there AND not as a close due to circumstances out of their control is what I'm objecting too.