Author Topic: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift  (Read 4164 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2012, 09:00:55 AM »

Instead perhaps you could purchase your cousin a gift of their own. If you know cousin really loves a particular book but their copy has been badly damaged you could purchase a new hardcover copy for them, just as an example. You will not be forcing money into their hands when they have already put their foot down and you must respect that. But you can still show appreciation in other ways, even if it's not by purchasing something or providing monetary compensation.

You know, maybe I'm just crabby today, but I think I would have a hard time trying to do something nice for the cousin. I'd be too annoyed.

If any of you are the type to do this sort of thing, don't, OK? It's really patronizing.

I am not sure how giving someone a gift they like as a token of appreciation is in any way patronizing. Perhaps my explanation came across unclear? My intent was that if Cousin, whom the OP seems to share a relatively close bond with, feels uncomfortable taking flat out cash that they may feel more comfortable with a small token. I am genuinely unsure of how that is at all patronizing, that's FAR from what my intent is.

Did I also miss a part of the story in which someone would not want to do 'something nice' for the cousin? Maybe an update I didn't catch? I am not trying to be at all sarcastic in this question, I am genuinely curious.

I come from a family where 'paying someone back' often leads to arguments with the 'owed' party absolutely refusing to take a cent from those who 'owe' them money. It has come about on occasion that when the individual who initially 'owed' money finds that this person may be in need or want of a token item (like the book example I gave) they may go out and get it for them as a thank you for the previous scenario such as say,when the 'owed' individual bought both of their meals at a restaurant or in a similar situation as the OP. The 'owed' persons feel more comfortable being gifted a token rather then taking the other persons money.

If that's somehow an offensive or patronizing suggestion my apologies. I did not see how it could be taken as such..

Sorry--I was completely unclear. My apologizes.

The part that's patronizing is "refusing to accept the previously agreed-upon repayment for a joint gift or joint dinner."
That is treating the "rejected contributor" as if you're the parent and them the child.

As for the idea of giving Generous/Patronizing Cousin a gift--that would certainly work. It's certainly a way to feel that you are responding to someone's generosity.

But if I had previously agreed to contribute to this big joint gift and my contribution was then later refused, I would *personally* be too crabby at Generous/Patronizing Cousin to want to give her something nice for her generosity. Because the "patronizing" part would be too strong for me. But *also* because some of my "gift-giving satisfaction" would have been stolen from me. (But as I said--I am probably too crabby lately.)


If the generosity had come sort of unprompted and my offer of repayment rebuffed, then I'd absolutely be looking for some nice thing I could do for cousin.

White Lotus

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2012, 08:40:24 PM »
Is it at all possible Cousin is thinking, "I would buy my cousins gifts anyway -- or I want to if I don't usually -- and I will do that by paying their shares of Grandpa's gift"?

This is legit, I think, but Cousin is not communicating that, if so.  Why not ask her if she meant paying your share to be your gift?

TootsNYC

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #17 on: November 29, 2012, 09:16:22 PM »
Well, I still wouldn't consider that to be "legit." I'd much rather you not get me a gift at all rather than horn in on my share of my gift to my grandfather.

Bijou

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #18 on: November 29, 2012, 09:46:40 PM »
I would not send the money to cousin's son.  I would approach cousin as Toots suggested and if she wouldn't let me put in my share, I would get a separate gift related to the other gift.  You could get the other cousins to chip in, perhaps, and put all names on all gifts, including the big one.  That way it would still be a group gift and all would be participating, just in a different way..  And next time cousin suggests sharing a gift, just decline.
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Shoo

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #19 on: November 29, 2012, 11:11:28 PM »
Instead of treating this cousin with deference, call her up as an equal and tell her you are sending her a check because you want to be a part of the gift giving too.  If she doesn't take your money, you will go out and buy Grampa another gift, because you won't feel like the "group" gift is a group gift AT ALL. 

You're going to have to be firm.  Don't let her treat you like she's a family elder or something. She's not!  You're practically the same age.  Demand to be treated as an equal, or you will withdraw your participation in the group gift.  And then follow through.

Bijou

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #20 on: November 30, 2012, 12:35:41 AM »
Instead of treating this cousin with deference, call her up as an equal and tell her you are sending her a check because you want to be a part of the gift giving too.  If she doesn't take your money, you will go out and buy Grampa another gift, because you won't feel like the "group" gift is a group gift AT ALL. 

You're going to have to be firm.  Don't let her treat you like she's a family elder or something. She's not!  You're practically the same age.  Demand to be treated as an equal, or you will withdraw your participation in the group gift.  And then follow through.
Good idea.
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

Free Range Hippy Chick

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #21 on: November 30, 2012, 03:56:21 AM »
Bonyk, have you tried asking Older Cousin why she won't let you pay a share? "I just don't get this. I thought we all agreed that we were buying Grandad a Freestyle Clockwatcher between us, and now you're saying that no, it's just from you. Why have you changed your mind?"

And if she says that no, it's just that she can afford it, point out that so can you. Sounds like you may need to say out loud in real words "I'm all grown up now, I have a job and an income and if I couldn't afford to buy my share of the present, I wouldn't have suggested it in the first place. It was my idea, remember?"

Possibly if you make her express her reasoning out loud she'll make more sense.

Possibly not, but worth a try, I would have said.

bonyk

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Re: Refusing to accept the other shares of a joint gift
« Reply #22 on: November 30, 2012, 05:08:48 PM »
So, I spoke to cousin.  It turns out that she felt that because the gift was my idea, she should contribute the money.  I'm not sure where this leaves the other cousins, and I did not ask (them or her).

I told her that I appreciated that, but I wanted to contribute financially as well, and that I had already mailed my share to her.  I told her that she keep it, give it to son, or donate it to grandpa's favorite charity.  We left on a good note.

Thanks all!