Dear Abby - answering and returning phone calls

[Piratelvr1121]

Yeah the mom seems overbearing to me too.  In college my mom called me one day and left a message on my machine, asking me to call her back but her tone sounded casual and she didn't indicate there was anything up.   She called again and left a message with my roommate, once again not indicating anything was up.  I was on my way out the door though and didn't have time for the hour long conversation that would ensue if I did pick up the phone.

When I got back from dinner (a bit late, I'd been hanging out with friends after dinner) my roommate said my dad had called.  Well he rarely called so this time I wondered if something was up but since it was after 9, I decided I'd call after my first class the next day.

As soon as I got in the door the phone rang and it was my mom.  I asked what was up and she said "Your brother has diabetes."  She was annoyed I did not call her back instantly to find out what was up.   That ticked me off.  When I call someone up to tell them something important like that and have to leave a message I will say "Hey call me back as soon as you can please, I have something very important to tell  you." not "Hey, it's me, call me back" in a light and airy tone or I'm going to think it's just a call to nag catch up.

[bah12]

I don't how because I use VM, but my father does not have VM on his phone so I know it's possible. 

That being said, that wasn't really my point.  If someone doesn't like listening to VM that is fine.  It's even fine for them to tell people "I don't listen to VM, so please don't leave me a message thinking I'm going to get it."

I just don't think it's rude to leave a message.  Pointless, yes.  Rude, no.

The reason I think its rude, in the case of someone who has specially point blank said "i don't listen to my voicemails" is because by leaving a message you (general you) are basically saying via your actions "you should listen to this" - other wise why leave one?  Why not just hang up?  You are leaving the message for one reason and one reason only, so the message will be listened to.  And I think making your own wants try to trump someone else's stated intent of actions is rude.

So in general I don't think its rude to leave a message, nor do I think its rude if its someone you merely suspect of listening to the messages, but once someone actually says "I never listen to messages, don't bother leaving one" to leave one I think is to be directly going against their requested way of handling something of theirs (their VM).

I think this works for someone that you call often.  Like the example a PP gave with her and her mother.  But, it's a bit much to expect everyone to know that VM annoys you (general you) and never leave you a VM...even if you have told them this at some point.

There are very few people that I call just because I want to chat and with those people, I pretty much know the "rules" and mine is no VM no need to call me back (though they are welcome to if they want).  But, besides those few people, I call people because I have a reason to call.  And when offered the option of leaving a message, I do.  I'm pretty sure that one or more of those people have said they don't listen to VM.  But, I don't necessarily remember what everyone's littlel nuances are on phone preferences.  And I think it's a bit much to expect that of everyone.

VM is a pretty common thing.  Most everyone uses it.  And I don't think it's wrong to default to what the majority of society uses when someone doesn't answer the phone.  Someone not remembering that you don't listen to VM, is likely just that....they didn't remember.  (Again, it would be different if this is a conversation you had with someone who you speak to regularly and often).

But there's another lesson.  Leaving a message is not a guarantee that whatever is said was communicated.  I tell this to people at work all the time.  Sending emails, leaving VM's etc, are great, but the only guarantee that the message was received is getting a confirmation that it was.

[WillyNilly]

I don't how because I use VM, but my father does not have VM on his phone so I know it's possible. 

That being said, that wasn't really my point.  If someone doesn't like listening to VM that is fine.  It's even fine for them to tell people "I don't listen to VM, so please don't leave me a message thinking I'm going to get it."

I just don't think it's rude to leave a message.  Pointless, yes.  Rude, no.

The reason I think its rude, in the case of someone who has specially point blank said "i don't listen to my voicemails" is because by leaving a message you (general you) are basically saying via your actions "you should listen to this" - other wise why leave one?  Why not just hang up?  You are leaving the message for one reason and one reason only, so the message will be listened to.  And I think making your own wants try to trump someone else's stated intent of actions is rude.

So in general I don't think its rude to leave a message, nor do I think its rude if its someone you merely suspect of listening to the messages, but once someone actually says "I never listen to messages, don't bother leaving one" to leave one I think is to be directly going against their requested way of handling something of theirs (their VM).

I think this works for someone that you call often.  Like the example a PP gave with her and her mother.  But, it's a bit much to expect everyone to know that VM annoys you (general you) and never leave you a VM...even if you have told them this at some point.

There are very few people that I call just because I want to chat and with those people, I pretty much know the "rules" and mine is no VM no need to call me back (though they are welcome to if they want).  But, besides those few people, I call people because I have a reason to call.  And when offered the option of leaving a message, I do.  I'm pretty sure that one or more of those people have said they don't listen to VM.  But, I don't necessarily remember what everyone's littlel nuances are on phone preferences.  And I think it's a bit much to expect that of everyone.

VM is a pretty common thing.  Most everyone uses it.  And I don't think it's wrong to default to what the majority of society uses when someone doesn't answer the phone.  Someone not remembering that you don't listen to VM, is likely just that....they didn't remember.  (Again, it would be different if this is a conversation you had with someone who you speak to regularly and often).

But there's another lesson.  Leaving a message is not a guarantee that whatever is said was communicated.  I tell this to people at work all the time.  Sending emails, leaving VM's etc, are great, but the only guarantee that the message was received is getting a confirmation that it was.

In general I agree with you, but this is all in response to a specific post by NotTheNarcissist that said her DIL didn't listen to VM and had communicated that to NotTheNarcissist, and yet NotTheNarcissist was stating "at least listen to the voicemail."

In general its fine to leave a VM, heck its down right normal.  But if you know, because you were point blank told by someone, that they don't listen to VM, I stand by my assertion to leave one for them is rude.  I think its a passive aggressive maneuver meant to indicate the VM leaver thinks their way should be followed at all costs regardless of the receivers previously stated intentions.

I pod this. And I want to add my 2 cents because the subject says "and returning phone calls".

My DIL is usually very sweet but she doesn't a) listen to her voicemails or b) read her emails. It's just as iffy with text messages. So my 2 cents is if someone is awaiting an answer do them the basic courtesy of returning the call whether it's by phone, email or text. At least listen to the voicemail.

She tells me she let's her voicemails pile up and she doesn't read her emails. So I am not assuming anything. She admits to it.

[Tea Drinker]

If I had a phone with a voicemail option and didn't want voicemail, the outgoing message would be something like "Hi, this is Tea Drinker. I almost never check my voicemail, so either try back later or send me email."

[WillyNilly]

If I had a phone with a voicemail option and didn't want voicemail, the outgoing message would be something like "Hi, this is Tea Drinker. I almost never check my voicemail, so either try back later or send me email."

You'd be surprised how many people don't pay attention to that.

[MariaE]

If I had a phone with a voicemail option and didn't want voicemail, the outgoing message would be something like "Hi, this is Tea Drinker. I almost never check my voicemail, so either try back later or send me email."

You'd be surprised how many people don't pay attention to that.

Be that as it may, I still think that if the outgoing message doesn't say something like that, then it's not rude to leave a message.

If it does, then I agree with you that it's PA, but if I'm told to "Please leave a message"? Then that is all on them.

And I say that as someone who dislikes VM. I'd much rather have people send me a text any day. But as my cell is a work phone, I have to have VM turned on.

(As an aside, I have an iPhone, and it's possible to turn off the VM feature there. I know, because it was turned off when I got it.)

[Tea Drinker]

I figure it would still happen, but at least I would have an answer to "why didn't you return my call?" (I used to have an answering machine that gave my and my husband's names, and asked people to leave a message so we could call back. We got a long series of messages for someone else--always the same someone else--in Spanish. I was seriously considering adding "Solamente Tea Drinker y Coffee Drinker viven aqui" at the end (that's Spanish for "Only Tea Drinker and Coffee Drinker live here"), but it eventually stopped without that: I am guessing that whoever it was noticed that they weren't hearing from their friends.

[NotTheNarcissist]

I do not answer the phone if I'm busy or if I just don't feel like talking.  No one gets to set my schedule other than me, my DH, kids, and my boss to a certain point.  If I've missed your call more than 2 times, I most likely will stop what I'm doing to answer, but if it is just a "hey, what are you doing", I'm not going to be walking up and down the grocery aisles with a phone to my ear to keep you entertained.

I'm irritated by one of my sisters who does answer just to say "I'm in a meeting or I'm driving, can I call you back."  If your in a meeting or driving DON'T answer the stupid phone.
 

I pod this. And I want to add my 2 cents because the subject says "and returning phone calls".

My DIL is usually very sweet but she doesn't a) listen to her voicemails or b) read her emails. It's just as iffy with text messages. So my 2 cents is if someone is awaiting an answer do them the basic courtesy of returning the call whether it's by phone, email or text. At least listen to the voicemail.

She tells me she let's her voicemails pile up and she doesn't read her emails. So I am not assuming anything. She admits to it.

Quite frankly if someone tells you they don't listen to voicemail, you are the rude one to leave one.  And quite foolish as well.

Yes its great, and sometimes important to be able to get messages to people, but if they don't want to receive them they are under no obligation to do what they don't want to do just because you want them to.  So she doesn't get messages and she looses out.  That's her choice to make.

I found this amusing because I never said that I leave her a voicemail. I know better.