1st birthday party - what's my obligation? update p#18, 32

[Sharnita]

I actually think 10 am is a great time for a birthday party for a 1 yo. The afternoon nap time will be a natural end time for the party so if OP and her DH don't leave earlier I would say 1 is the latest they should stay.  They can even say they don't want to over tire the child. I do think a small gift is needed, maybe a book or wooden puzzle.

[Jones]

Balls. Tiny basketball, foam Nerf ball, one of those balls that lights up when it bounces.

These are a few of a toddler's favorite things. 

[WillyNilly]

There are tons of age appropriate gifts in the $10 and under range, so that's the direction I would go for a gift.  (Personally I like to go to an expensive or status-type store, but then buy whatever is on sale, so it appears to be a more costly item.)  Its fine to leave this up to your DH to do, as they are his friends.

I also think 1-3 hours is pretty much the norm you should spend at a casual friend's kid's birthday party even if you didn't have somewhere else to be that afternoon.  You see these people 3-4 times a year and don't care for them much, a drop in and chat appearance is totally appropriate.

[Shopaholic]

Thanks for all your input!

I finally caught  my friend on the phone, and she isn't up to visitors this week yet, so one of my problems has been solved.
I will, however, still have a time conversation with my DH - because he puts time limits on visits with my family/friends even if he isn't hurrying somewhere. His experience with my family is no more unenjoyable for him than my experience with his friends.
In fact, we may just decide to ALWAYS put time limits on events, regardless.

I stopped by the local toy store and got Baby an $8 toy camcorder. It's colorful and makes noises, and frankly is more or less the sum we spent on each of our nieces and nephews for their 1st birthdays.
My reasoning was that if I let DH do it he would spend way, way too much money and be in a foul mood about it, too.

Now I'm betting that there will still be a collection for the Friend's birthday...

[BeagleMommy]

Shopaholic, a friend of my brother recently had a birthday party for his one-year-old.  Here's how it went:

11:00 am - Guests arrived and coo over baby
11:30 am - Baby opens presents (assisted by Mommy) and plays with the boxes
11:45 am - Baby is presented with cake
11:50 am - Baby squishes cake with her fingers (hilarity ensues)
11:55 am - Baby plops her entire face in cake (more hilarity ensues)
12:00 pm - Baby gets a bath
12:15 pm - Baby gets a bottle and some small pieces of food
12:30 pm - Baby takes a nap
12:35 pm - Guests go home

Your DH is not obligated to contribute to a large gift no matter how close he is with the parents.  A small toy or book is usually the norm.  These parents sound like gimmee pigs who don't return the generosity of others.

[LadyR]

I specifically told our friends DS didn't need anything for his birthday (though no one listened), we were having the party to celebrate, not because we expected gifts. If you don't want to bring a gift, don't. Or if you feel obligated, something small, like board books or a simple toy. My son's favourite toy in the world right now is a set of $6 stacking cups while he ignores all his fancy, expensive toys.

As for how long, DS' birthday started at 1, we were done cleaning up and loading the cars by 4:30.

[Mikayla]

With the update, I'm glad your immediate problem has been solved!   But I don't agree that the convo you want to have is about time limits on visits.  I think what needs to be addressed is that your DH doesn't consider visits to your friends and family to be as important as visits to his friends and family.  It's really odd that he's already put time limits on visits to your "side", but then cautions you about having a stopwatch approach when visiting his "side".

[MindsEye]

But I don't agree that the convo you want to have is about time limits on visits.  I think what needs to be addressed is that your DH doesn't consider visits to your friends and family to be as important as visits to his friends and family.  It's really odd that he's already put time limits on visits to your "side", but then cautions you about having a stopwatch approach when visiting his "side".

Yeah, I really second this.

And honestly, even though you no longer have a "conflict" for Saturday... if I was you I would probably still have a "conflict" and send your DH by himself.  These people aren't your friends (and they don't sound like they are your DH's friends either!) and you don't like them very much.  So why go?  And I would also consider having your next visit with your friends/family to be without your DH and his "stopwatch" so that you can enjoy yourself!

[Kaypeep]

Priceline has some great rental car deals. I'd rent one, tell DH to have fun at the party, and go see my friends.
Also, I generally go by the rule that if someone plans a party for a non-meal time, that means it will be over before the meal time (unless it's specified otherwise). So, I'd expect things to be winding down by noon.

POD. You can probably rent a car for $40.  For me, it would be worth it to not deal with this group of one-uppers, not deal with a crabby or PA husband, and be able to spend more time with my friend and their newborn.

[wyliefool]

'Meet the baby' and 'welcome the baby' parties?? What, no 'greet the baby,' 'encounter the baby,' or 'view the baby'? 

[Winterlight]

With the update, I'm glad your immediate problem has been solved!   But I don't agree that the convo you want to have is about time limits on visits.  I think what needs to be addressed is that your DH doesn't consider visits to your friends and family to be as important as visits to his friends and family.  It's really odd that he's already put time limits on visits to your "side", but then cautions you about having a stopwatch approach when visiting his "side".

Agreed. He's taking a very bean-counting approach to things- but only in his favor.

[Bijou]

Priceline has some great rental car deals. I'd rent one, tell DH to have fun at the party, and go see my friends.
Also, I generally go by the rule that if someone plans a party for a non-meal time, that means it will be over before the meal time (unless it's specified otherwise). So, I'd expect things to be winding down by noon.

As a bystander, this (the bolded) seems like drawing a pretty deep line in the sand and maybe this isn't the time to do it.  I guess it feels like, 'you go your way and I'll go mine."  The trick is to find that common ground, which may not be easy.  Doing it on the fly may not be conducive to good communication.  I would wait until there is nothing in the works and have a discussion about what is going on.  My own patience with this kind of behavior would be this_long. 

I agree with the second part of your post, completely.

[bah12]

Thanks for all your input!

I finally caught  my friend on the phone, and she isn't up to visitors this week yet, so one of my problems has been solved.
I will, however, still have a time conversation with my DH - because he puts time limits on visits with my family/friends even if he isn't hurrying somewhere. His experience with my family is no more unenjoyable for him than my experience with his friends.
In fact, we may just decide to ALWAYS put time limits on events, regardless.

I stopped by the local toy store and got Baby an $8 toy camcorder. It's colorful and makes noises, and frankly is more or less the sum we spent on each of our nieces and nephews for their 1st birthdays.
My reasoning was that if I let DH do it he would spend way, way too much money and be in a foul mood about it, too.Now I'm betting that there will still be a collection for the Friend's birthday...

It's seems that your original question has been resolved. But your issue is bigger than a birthday party.  The bolded really needs to be discussed with your DH and you two have to come to some reasonable understanding of how/when you each visit your respective friends and family and how much you spend on them. 

[Raintree]

I'd rather watch paint dry than attend a 1-year-old birthday party unless they are very, very dear friends. And given that the OP has already given baby gifts over the past year while these "friends" showed up at a fully hosted party without so much as a bottle of wine, I would probably feel perfectly fine about bringing just a card saying "Congratulations on reaching this milestone" instead of a gift. You're not depriving the baby at all - the baby has everything he needs from the sounds of it, won't know the difference and couldn't care less.

[Roe]

But I don't agree that the convo you want to have is about time limits on visits.  I think what needs to be addressed is that your DH doesn't consider visits to your friends and family to be as important as visits to his friends and family.  It's really odd that he's already put time limits on visits to your "side", but then cautions you about having a stopwatch approach when visiting his "side".

Yeah, I really second this.

And honestly, even though you no longer have a "conflict" for Saturday... if I was you I would probably still have a "conflict" and send your DH by himself.  These people aren't your friends (and they don't sound like they are your DH's friends either!) and you don't like them very much.  So why go?  And I would also consider having your next visit with your friends/family to be without your DH and his "stopwatch" so that you can enjoy yourself!

Yep, I agree!

I'm pretty upset on your behalf.  I can't imagine my DH putting time limits on my *family* visits and ignoring time limits when dealing with his *friends* (esp given that they are oneuppers) events!  That's just not right. 

In the end, your DH is putting his friends above you.  And that's really upsetting.