Stop putting me in the middle!

[LadyJaneinMD]

The background is that, after sister received an inheritance from our mother, they sold their house and business, kicked my nephew out of the house, and took off for a desert locale.  My nephew found himself homeless with only a few days' notice.  He moved in with a friend and found a part-time job.  He worked his way up and is now supervisor of an IT department.  He married a lovely girl and now own a small home near his workplace.

Sister now thinks that nephew is rolling in cash and has been hinting for a handout, in addition to free computer advice and fixes.  Due to the above story and some borderline abuse by his father, he feels he doesn't owe his parents a thing.

That's so sad.  She's lucky he answer her calls at all.  In his place, I doubt if I would.

POD!  That's dreadful of them.  Your nephew sounds like a good strong capable man, no thanks to them.

[Cutenoob]

...   Due to the above story and some borderline abuse by his father, he feels he doesn't owe his parents a thing.

I'm inclined to agree with him.

Thirded. Poor kid. I'm very impressed with him- despite everything he's made a success of his life.

Definitely time to tell her once that you won't carry messages and then hang up. Keep hanging up every time she tries this. It may take a while.

My dad was doing this to me about my mother and my sister (I've cut them off). Dad kept haraunging me about calling/they want to talk to you. I used the broken record technique "I'll contact them when I'm ready. No, it's between them and I. Sorry, that subject is closed."
Something like this "Sis, you really need to speak to him personally. Don't call me to call him, I am not a relay machine. I know you care, but that's between you two."
Let DN know, "Hey. She's been calling me, and I told her to call /contact you directly. Just a heads up. If you DO need to talk to her, use email or such" (aka hint don't use me)
That would be my wording for it.

[TootsNYC]

...   Due to the above story and some borderline abuse by his father, he feels he doesn't owe his parents a thing.

I'm inclined to agree with him.

Thirded. Poor kid. I'm very impressed with him- despite everything he's made a success of his life.

Definitely time to tell her once that you won't carry messages and then hang up. Keep hanging up every time she tries this. It may take a while.

My dad was doing this to me about my mother and my sister (I've cut them off). Dad kept haraunging me about calling/they want to talk to you. I used the broken record technique "I'll contact them when I'm ready. No, it's between them and I. Sorry, that subject is closed."
Something like this "Sis, you really need to speak to him personally. Don't call me to call him, I am not a relay machine. I know you care, but that's between you two."
Let DN know, "Hey. She's been calling me, and I told her to call /contact you directly. Just a heads up. If you DO need to talk to her, use email or such" (aka hint don't use me)
That would be my wording for it.

But that *is* carrying the message.

[SPuck]

I think telling the nephew would actually be a good idea because then he would have a better understanding of his mother's desperation/reach/crazy.

[bah12]

You can't rely on someone else to take you out of the middle.  You have to remove yourself.   So, don't engage your sister when she wants to talk to you about her son.  Ever.  And it goes the other way too.  If your Nephew wants you to pass info back to his mother, don't do it.  Will your sis get mad?  Sure.  Will she throw a fit and accuse you of rotten things?  Maybe.  But the only way out of this is to not entertain it.  These people are adults and they are perfectly capable of talking to each other directly if they so choose.

So, tell her directly that you won't talk to her about Nephew and if she mentions him at all, you will hang up.  THen hang up on her and don't speak to her for a few more phone calls when she does it.  When she does it again, hang up without a word. Repeatedly hang up as long as necessary (or until you decide to stop taking her calls all together).

[Cutenoob]

...   Due to the above story and some borderline abuse by his father, he feels he doesn't owe his parents a thing.

I'm inclined to agree with him.

Thirded. Poor kid. I'm very impressed with him- despite everything he's made a success of his life.

Definitely time to tell her once that you won't carry messages and then hang up. Keep hanging up every time she tries this. It may take a while.

My dad was doing this to me about my mother and my sister (I've cut them off). Dad kept haraunging me about calling/they want to talk to you. I used the broken record technique "I'll contact them when I'm ready. No, it's between them and I. Sorry, that subject is closed."
Something like this "Sis, you really need to speak to him personally. Don't call me to call him, I am not a relay machine. I know you care, but that's between you two."
Let DN know, "Hey. She's been calling me, and I told her to call /contact you directly. Just a heads up. If you DO need to talk to her, use email or such" (aka hint don't use me)
That would be my wording for it.

But that *is* carrying the message.

Toots- good point; but it would be the one and only "incoming bombing from her, don't use me anymore"

[bopper]

"I really don't know why you are trying to pass messages through me.  Contact Nephew directly. If he won't take your calls, then, well, ask yourself why is that."

[JoyinVirginia]

After the backstory, I am wondering why you even want to have any communication with sis. I would recommend the ”I can't hear you” technique. I used to use this when my mother wanted to repeat old criticisms I had no intention of discussing, but she had lots of good points so I was ready to cut her off. When she got going on the phone, I would not say anything in response and just hold the phone away from me until there was silence. Then I would pick up the phone and talk brightly about something, anything else. ”I cooked the best chicken for dinner”, or ” The dog did the cutest thing today.”
You will not be able to convince your sister, do I recommend absolute silence any time she mentions soon, then change subject. Do not even act like you heard any direct questions. This technique really works.