Author Topic: Gave away gift in front of me  (Read 14148 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5358
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #45 on: November 27, 2012, 11:33:41 PM »
I really don't think it's okay to ask for them back. There are etiquette rules about that.  I think, though, that instead of looking at it as being out $80, you spent money you were willing to spend in the first place, and the investment has paid off so well that you never have to buy her a present again. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

Agreed!

RegionMom

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6138
  • ♪♫ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪♫ ♪ ♪♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #46 on: November 27, 2012, 11:40:09 PM »
Speaking of dollar store jewelry, I have a couple of magnetic necklaces/bracelets from there that often get complimented, as they are unique and fun to play with!  Different colors, length changing, mesmerizing.

In fact, during a visit to the state where some family lives, when my niece was 21/2 or so, it kept her duly entertained at a restaurant.  If not for the concern of magnets breaking off for a choking hazard, I would have given it to her. 

Hmmm...now that she 7, it would be a fine gift!  (now, where to buy one, since I still wear mine...in fact, DD aged 15 has one also that she wears sometimes.)
Hey, thanks, e-hell!

...adds to Christmas shopping list of ideas...



Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

zyrs

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1783
  • spiffily male.
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #47 on: November 28, 2012, 12:06:34 AM »
Evil Zyrs would just follow what he saw in a Mork and Mindy Christmas special one year and just always buy her a dollar store saucer for every gifting holiday.  Asked about it Evil Zyrs would be sure that she'd appreciate something shallow.

I would never buy her another present.  And I'd have a talk with my SO - they need to have your back in this.

Hawkwatcher

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2818
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #48 on: November 28, 2012, 12:51:39 AM »
I know that once a gift is given, that it is up tho the recipient what to do with it, no strings attached by the giver.
However,
she had wanted a bracelet from this store.  Everyone saw and commented long and loud.  To then pass it off to children, in front of the giver, is rude, ungrateful, and downright mean.

The little girls have learned that if they ooh and awe enough, they can have anything they want.  That is poor parenting. 

OP, you have learned to never give her a gift again.  So, think of all the future money you will save!   >:D

I agree with everything in your post, especially about the poor parenting.  Those children are going to be in for a rude awakening when they get older.

I also agree with the other posters who commented about the OP's BF's meek reaction. I would be concerned that his behavior is a sign of things to come.

Venus193

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 15620
  • Backstage passes are wonderful things!
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #49 on: November 28, 2012, 02:32:53 AM »
I know that once a gift is given, that it is up tho the recipient what to do with it, no strings attached by the giver.
However,
she had wanted a bracelet from this store.  Everyone saw and commented long and loud.  To then pass it off to children, in front of the giver, is rude, ungrateful, and downright mean.

The little girls have learned that if they ooh and awe enough, they can have anything they want.  That is poor parenting. 

OP, you have learned to never give her a gift again.  So, think of all the future money you will save!   >:D

I agree with everything in your post, especially about the poor parenting.  Those children are going to be in for a rude awakening when they get older.

I also agree with the other posters who commented about the OP's BF's meek reaction. I would be concerned that his behavior is a sign of things to come.

If family history is any indication, I wonder.  Obviously the SO's sister hasn't had hers yet.

If the BF didn't have an issue with this I seriously think he's not fit to marry.  He needs to learn that this behaviour (which must have been enabled by the parents for a long time) is not acceptable.

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 574
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #50 on: November 28, 2012, 03:18:53 AM »
Horrible behavior. I'd be upset, too. And inappropriate on the parents' part, as well. They should have intervened. Toddlers don't need $40 bracelets.

When sister's birthday next rolls around, if BF thinks she needs a gift, he can pick it out and pay for it.


cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16907
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #51 on: November 28, 2012, 03:45:30 AM »
All I have to say is that if that is the way his sister acts and he didn't really see what the problem is, then he may not stand up for you to his family. Be very careful.

Seriously.  This guy does not have your back.
i agree - this was really bothering me.

you say he agreed with you - but he excused her behavior (and did i see anywhere that he is making attempts to get the bracelets back?).

and there is no question that her actions were deliberate and mean.

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Auntie Mame

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1491
  • Live! Live! LIVE!
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #52 on: November 28, 2012, 04:20:41 AM »
All I have to say is that if that is the way his sister acts and he didn't really see what the problem is, then he may not stand up for you to his family. Be very careful.

Oh, good point.  I see a lifetime of this man excusing and defending his family's mistreatment.
Auntie needs fuel, black coffee and a side car.

Last_Dance

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 152
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #53 on: November 28, 2012, 05:40:33 AM »
Evil Lilya would show up at the next birthday with cheap plastic bracelets and give them directly to the kids. You know, since your SIL obviously wanted to start a tradition.... >:D

All kidding aside, she was horrible to you. Count another for "never buy her a present again."
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

weeblewobble

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3150
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #54 on: November 28, 2012, 05:59:59 AM »
Thanks all.

For what it's worth DBF was very sympathetic and took my side but basically was like "ooohh sister just loves those kids so much." He did say don't buy her gifts anymore though.

Also the Birthday Sister is 26 so not a child.

Afbluebell- I'm sorry you dealt with that as a child. That is completely wrong. I'm sending imaginary hugs and gifts your way.

I don't plan on getting her a Christmas gift. I won't see her for the holiday so no awkward moment if I don't.

If he was indeed sympathetic, I would cut him a little slack.  But speaking as someone whose DH was programmed to accept outrageous sibling behavior as "just the way she is" believe me when I say you need to start changing those patterns now before you get married.  Because it will not get better.  If she is this PA and outlandishly rude to you now, imagine how it will be if she feels you're "stealing all of the attention" with a wedding or having a baby?

Him: "She just loves those kids so much."
You: "That doesn't justify being rude to me."

Him: '"That's just the way she is."
You: "Well, this is the way I am.  I don't accept being treated that way.  And I definitely don't accept someone who's supposed to love me telling me it's OK."

Him: "She didn't mean to hurt your feelings/didn't meant it that way."
You: "I doubt that very much.  And the point is, she did hurt my feelings.  I need you to stop minimizing that."

Another favorite is, 'Well, you don't want to make a scene on her birthday/Christmas/Thanksgiving/Mother's Day, etc."  If anything, those are the times to stand up for yourself.  No matter what date it is, it's not OK to treat you that way.  If you're held hostage by trying to preserve "special moments" you lose any progress you've made protecting the not so special moments. 

It took YEARS with my DH to get him to see that the behavior was not acceptable and his family's instant acceptance/forgiveness of it was just enabling it to continue unchecked. I wish you all the luck in the world.

PS, also mark me down as another person who read the original post and though you were dealing with a 12 year old.  This is ridiculous behavior from an adult. 
« Last Edit: November 28, 2012, 06:02:30 AM by weeblewobble »

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6193
    • Blog
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #55 on: November 28, 2012, 06:27:42 AM »
I am very much hoping that this was a moment of colossal cluelessness and immaturity. I hope that one day (sooner, rather than later) she looks back at what she did at cringes with shame at her behaviour.

I also agree with posters who've stated that the parents of the toddlers should have stepped in and said something. I'm flabbergasted that they just stood back and let their toddlers take the bracelets.

eltf177

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 134
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #56 on: November 28, 2012, 06:38:21 AM »
I too agree with everything said already:

1) Birthday sister is incredibly shallow and rude
2) The girls had _no_ business asking for or taking the bracelets
3) I wouldn't ask for the bracelets back but certainly would never again buy any presents for Birthday sister


If the BF didn't have an issue with this I seriously think he's not fit to marry.  He needs to learn that this behaviour (which must have been enabled by the parents for a long time) is not acceptable.

This most of all. I too do _not_ see DBF taking your side over that of his family. This entire situation is more than likely going to be repeated at some point.


Corvid

  • Etiquette Hell Thread Assassin Squad
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 856
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #57 on: November 28, 2012, 07:03:12 AM »
I, too, originally thought you were talking about a teenager.  At 26 years of age there is no excuse for such juvenile behavior.  Not only rude and ungracious, but tacky as well!  Who does something like that?   :o

While I don't think you can ask for the bracelets back, I do agree that you should never buy her another gift.

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16907
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #58 on: November 28, 2012, 07:15:57 AM »
I too agree with everything said already:

1) Birthday sister is incredibly shallow and rude
2) The girls had _no_ business asking for or taking the bracelets
3) I wouldn't ask for the bracelets back but certainly would never again buy any presents for Birthday sister

the girls in question are 1.5 and 3 YO. they actually acted their age. Their parents should have stepped in and handed the bracelets back. at that age the thought process is Pretty-Want-Take.



At her birthday dinner her older brother was there with 3 kids. Two are girls aged 1 1/2 and 3.



            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Amava

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4747
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #59 on: November 28, 2012, 07:28:46 AM »
Yeah, I agree with Cicero. I am all for /teaching/ children that they don't get to demand other people's stuff, especially not a gift someone has just received, but they were really still at an age that this had to be /taught/ to them: expecting them to have a whole thought process of "These bracelets belong to Birthday Sister, she just received them from OP, it would be rude to ask for them", is a bit much.

Very small children will ask for whatever tickles their fancy, and will happily accept it when it is offered to them.

So it wasn't really that horrid for the little ones to ask and accept. It was up to Birthday sister to breezily say: "Yes, they're beautiful aren't they? But no, of course I can't give them away. I just got them from OP, they're my present!" Contrary to what some people (in general, not any posters in this topic) seem to think these days, little children understand "No" very well.

And yes, if Birthday Girl was going to be so clueless about it, it was up to the parents to say: "Come now, girls. We can't just go around taking Birthday Girls presents from her. OP gave them to her, to have and enjoy!" And I might, just might, have said the latter with a pointed look into Birthday Girl's eyes, with a hint of "Are you crazy??" Heck, if I was the parent, I might even add "Imagine how you would feel if you had given Birthday Girl such a lovely present and she gave it to someone else! That wouldn't feel very nice, would it?" (What I would really mean with that, would be: "Birthday Girl, don't set such a horrid example of being boorish about gifts in front of my children!") 

Disclaimer: I don't even have any children, so this is all very hypothetic. But it's along the lines of  what I, as a teacher, would do in the classroom if Child 1 tried to give away a gift that Child 2 had given her to Child 3).