Author Topic: Gave away gift in front of me  (Read 15475 times)

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MindsEye

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #60 on: November 28, 2012, 08:40:17 AM »

the girls in question are 1.5 and 3 YO. they actually acted their age. Their parents should have stepped in and handed the bracelets back. at that age the thought process is Pretty-Want-Take.


Cynical ME wonders if the toddlers' mother wanted those bracelets, and that's why she didn't step in.  Cynical ME further speculates that as soon as that family was in the car, the bracelets were taken away from the little kids and put either in mother's purse or on her wrist.  Cynical ME doesn't get let out much.

More charitable ME wonders if the parents didn't step in because they didn't want to deal with a huge tantrum if the kids were parted from the bracelets straight away, and intend to quietly return them to the birthday girl at some later date.

HermioneGranger

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #61 on: November 28, 2012, 08:46:58 AM »
All I have to say is that if that is the way his sister acts and he didn't really see what the problem is, then he may not stand up for you to his family. Be very careful.

Seriously.  This guy does not have your back.

Better to find out now before he becomes dear fiance...  That would be the last time she received a present from me too. 

Venus193

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #62 on: November 28, 2012, 08:52:54 AM »
I don't think it matters why the parents didn't step in on this.  A three-year old is old enough to be taught that this is inappropriate and a 1.5 year-old is not too young to begin learning that you can't always get what you want.

Most of all, this was insulting to the OP.  However, if the BF doesn't address this with his family I wouldn't date him again.

JenJay

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #63 on: November 28, 2012, 08:56:30 AM »
I think P&P's boyfriend is taking a bit of an unfair beating by some posters. She said he was very sympathetic and he told her not to buy his sister anymore gifts. Most likely the comment about "she just loves the kids so much" was meant to take the sting out of having given away the bracelets, not justify it. I honestly don't think it would be appropriate for him to contact either of his siblings and demand them back, for reasons other posters have stated re once a gift is given, etc.

Hillia

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #64 on: November 28, 2012, 09:02:00 AM »
I don't think he should ask for the bracelets back either, but I think he should have a strong word with his sister and the parents of the toddlers.  I know in general it's rude to point out someone's rudeness, but in the case of standing up for one's SO the rule can be bent a bit.  'Sis, OP spent a lot of time and money picking out those bracelets because you specifically asked for them, and what you did was mean, disrespectful, and rude.  Don't expect any gifts from either one of us until you show that you realize how awful that was and are truly sorry'.

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FoxPaws

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #65 on: November 28, 2012, 09:12:04 AM »
I don't think the BF should ask for the bracelets back and I am on the fence as to whether he should say anything, but I do think that this whole incident should serve as a Yellow Flag (or maybe an orange cone?) for the OP. As in, Caution! Look carefully and watch for hazards on the road ahead.

I would be paying very close attention to the family dynamics at this point: Does everybody cater to birthday sister? Are gifts always treated as no big deal? Does BF ever confront his family? Are the children always appeased instead of being taught or told no? Is BS hostile toward the OP in other ways?

These are not questions the OP needs to answer for anyone besides herself, but I do think she needs to answer them.
I am so a lady. And if you say I'm not, I'll slug you. - Cindy Brady

Kaypeep

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #66 on: November 28, 2012, 09:17:18 AM »
I disagree that the BF needs to address this with his family.  As long as he's supportive of the OP and backs up her decision to not buy presents (or nice presents) for the sister, I think he's doing just fine.  As someone who has a mother with "issues" I've had to say "That's the way she is" when mom behaves badly.  Me, bro and sis just ignore her, while SIL will get very upset.  We do our best to encourage SIL to ignore mom's outbursts and walk away. That's what we do.  We do not placate mom, give in to her, etc.  We will leave, walk away, ignore her, etc. until she decides to act "normal" again.  She's been told several times about her behavior but she can only change herself.  In the OP's case, DF can't make his sister do anything.  Yes, he CAN speak speak to her and explain what she did was offensive, and ask for an apology or something like that.  But honestly, I don't think he should be put in this position and I doubt she will change.  I say as long as BF has the OP's back and supports her in how she decides to go from here, he is good in my book.  Unless the Sis is doing other things that send out a signal that she's out to get the OP and hurt her, I'd chalk this up to SS/cluelessness and mark her as someone not worth spending time and money on because she doesn't know how to be gracious or appreciate nice things.

Eden

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #67 on: November 28, 2012, 09:49:18 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

CaptainObvious

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #68 on: November 28, 2012, 10:12:51 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

Yvaine

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #69 on: November 28, 2012, 10:14:41 AM »
Yeah, I agree with Cicero. I am all for /teaching/ children that they don't get to demand other people's stuff, especially not a gift someone has just received, but they were really still at an age that this had to be /taught/ to them: expecting them to have a whole thought process of "These bracelets belong to Birthday Sister, she just received them from OP, it would be rude to ask for them", is a bit much.

Very small children will ask for whatever tickles their fancy, and will happily accept it when it is offered to them.

Agreed. It's unreasonable to expect that toddlers will have perfect etiquette and social graces. At least one of them is still in diapers! We don't spring from the womb knowing these things. It's the parents' job to say no and to explain it to the kids at their level of understanding (thus forming part of what they will learn about etiquette as they continue to grow).

kansha

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #70 on: November 28, 2012, 10:24:49 AM »
at the very LEAST BF should be repaying OP her $80, imho.... >:(

CaptainObvious

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #71 on: November 28, 2012, 10:26:12 AM »
at the very LEAST BF should be repaying OP her $80, imho.... >:(

Why?? He didn't do anything wrong.

learningtofly

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #72 on: November 28, 2012, 10:31:35 AM »
At 26 the birthday girl should just go out and buy her own bracelets.  I mean, she apparently can afford to give away $80 in bracelets.  She hinted about wanting bracelets from that store.  At 26 she should be smart enough to know that if they weren't the specific ones she wanted she could exchange them.  I vote deliberate snub.

Eden

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #73 on: November 28, 2012, 10:35:36 AM »
at the very LEAST BF should be repaying OP her $80, imho.... >:(

Why? He has absolutely nothing to do with this situation at all.

BarensMom

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #74 on: November 28, 2012, 10:36:16 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

Edited to add:  What if OP had that conversation with BF's sister, and sister pitched a fit and involved the rest of the family?  OP is then labeled a troublemaker and everything that BF does to support OP will be "her fault," as opposed to BF taking a stand with his sister on his own initiative.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2012, 10:41:35 AM by BarensMom »