Author Topic: Gave away gift in front of me  (Read 16243 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

CaptainObvious

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 236
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #75 on: November 28, 2012, 10:39:52 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

What? So because a few of you have decided on a "policy", no one is allowed to disagree? I'm not understanding?

MorgnsGrl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 749
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #76 on: November 28, 2012, 10:44:10 AM »
At 26 she should be smart enough to know that if they weren't the specific ones she wanted she could exchange them.

I agree with this. How could she not realize that she could trade in these bracelets for the ones she really wanted? My 12 year old knows that. She had to know that was possible, so the fact that she just gave away the bracelets means, to me, that she either doesn't appreciate gifts (in which case she shouldn't get more) or that she was deliberately being hurtful to the OP (in which case, yeah, no more gifts.)

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8906
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #77 on: November 28, 2012, 10:44:33 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

What? So because a few of you have decided on a "policy", no one is allowed to disagree? I'm not understanding?

Yeah, I never thought this was a hard and fast rule, etiquette or otherwise--just that with some families it's what works best. Other families work differently.

scansons

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 688
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #78 on: November 28, 2012, 10:48:56 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

What? So because a few of you have decided on a "policy", no one is allowed to disagree? I'm not understanding?

It's not just us.  DH and I got similar advice in pre-marriage counseling.  And it's really worked out well.  It's a lot easier for a family member to dismiss the thoughts/feelings/opinions of someone they didn't grow up with/ raise.  In this case, BF's sister obviously doesn't care about the OP's feelings.  Otherwise she wouldn't have pulled such a stunt.  So it dosen't help the OP to address it directly.  Sister already proved she dosen't care what the OP thinks or feels.  It's a lot harder, one would hope, for her to dismiss her brother saying "hey you hurt my gf's feelings.  That was out of line and unnecessary." 

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2636
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #79 on: November 28, 2012, 10:49:49 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

What? So because a few of you have decided on a "policy", no one is allowed to disagree? I'm not understanding?

I edited my post to try to explain my understanding of the "policy."

I think if OP has the conversation with the sister, it will be counterproductive and whether BF backs her or not, any future relationship with his family may be difficult, to say the least.  BF presumably knows his sister and how to approach her in a manner that will improve the situation and, who knows, OP may even get the apology she deserves.


CaptainObvious

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 236
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #80 on: November 28, 2012, 10:53:37 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

What? So because a few of you have decided on a "policy", no one is allowed to disagree? I'm not understanding?

I edited my post to try to explain my understanding of the "policy."

I think if OP has the conversation with the sister, it will be counterproductive and whether BF backs her or not, any future relationship with his family may be difficult, to say the least.  BF presumably knows his sister and how to approach her in a manner that will improve the situation and, who knows, OP may even get the apology she deserves.

But the BF already said to just not buy gifts anymore. To me that is his solution, and to push him to make a big deal about it when he doesn't feel it is, is not fair to him. We all have opinions about things, and they aren't always the same, if the OP feels that it is an issue, then she should approach the SIL. I don't agree that spouses need to get involved, I believe that people need to "fight their own battles".
« Last Edit: November 28, 2012, 10:56:06 AM by CaptainObvious »

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6468
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #81 on: November 28, 2012, 10:57:48 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

I think that is a general go to rule when the issues impact both members of the couple, like telling MIL that she can't babysit the kids if she continues to smoke around them. 

But in this case, this wasn't a joint gift.  It was a gift from the OP and very clear slight by the SIL to the OP only. 

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2636
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #82 on: November 28, 2012, 11:02:09 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?
« Last Edit: November 28, 2012, 11:05:14 AM by BarensMom »

Lynn2000

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5256
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #83 on: November 28, 2012, 11:08:00 AM »
Some good advice from other posters here. I like the idea of someone saying something to Sis; the OP would have to decide if it was better coming directly from herself, or from her boyfriend (and of course only if BF felt the same way). It seems like the OP is close enough to Sis to give her very nice presents and has a relationship with her and the family on her own, since BF wasn't even present at the gathering. And, IMO, this was a pretty egregious thing to do--obviously Sis may disagree that she did anything wrong, but it's not a matter of just the "tone" being hurtful or something that is open to much debate. Sis was given bracelets of a type she asked for, that were not cheap, and she gave them away to toddlers right in front of the giver, on the same day, while saying that they weren't what she wanted. If someone (like Sis) can interpret that as not being terribly rude or hurtful, I'd be curious to hear their version...

Honestly in reality I personally would probably not ever say anything to her (or have my BF saying anything), though, because I don't like confrontation. I would just write her off in terms of gifts. I would try not to stew over it, because that only hurts me, but I would just put her in the category of people I don't get gifts for and try not to ever think about it again. I really like the person who said this was actually the "gift that keeps on giving"--one $80 gift to last a lifetime! (Because now I know not to ever give her anything again.) If she, or anyone else, makes a comment about not getting gifts for me, I would be happy to tell them why.

I also really like FoxPaws's advice:
I don't think the BF should ask for the bracelets back and I am on the fence as to whether he should say anything, but I do think that this whole incident should serve as a Yellow Flag (or maybe an orange cone?) for the OP. As in, Caution! Look carefully and watch for hazards on the road ahead.

I would be paying very close attention to the family dynamics at this point: Does everybody cater to birthday sister? Are gifts always treated as no big deal? Does BF ever confront his family? Are the children always appeased instead of being taught or told no? Is BS hostile toward the OP in other ways?

These are not questions the OP needs to answer for anyone besides herself, but I do think she needs to answer them.

Personally I don't like to make the leap to telling someone to dump their SO over one incident, but I think it's smart of them to, by themselves, figure out if this IS just one incident, or part of a larger pattern. And if part of a larger pattern, is it a pattern they can live with for the future? Patterns can be really hard to see when you're in the middle of them. Maybe the OP could ask a long-time friend if they've noticed any patterns in the things she mentions/complains about relating to BF and/or his family.
~Lynn2000

scansons

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 688
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #84 on: November 28, 2012, 11:11:19 AM »
If OP was close enough to the birthday girl to buy her such generous gifts, I'd say the OP is close enough to address this herself. BF shouldn't be involved. He did not give the gift and wasn't even there.

OP, I'd probably call or visit BF's sister and say something like, "You may do what you like with gifts you receive but to give the bracelets away in front of me was incredibly insensitive, and your comment about them not being the ones you wanted was additionally ungrateful and cruel. I specifically picked those out because I knew you wanted bracelets from that place. You really hurt my feelings." And then I'd go silent and let her respond. I would not further justify my feelings. If she was genuinely apologetic I'd accept. Anything else would be met with repeated, "Regardless, what you did was rude and hurtful." And would quickly excuse myself and be done with it.

I agree, why is on the BF to get involved? In relationships there will always be things that aren't agreed upon. And there will always be something that the other person doesn't think is a big deal, it isn't a "red flag", it is just a difference of opinion.

I think most of us have agreed on a policy of requesting that a SO deal with their own family.  As an example, in my SIL thread, most of the posters said for me to have DH deal with his sister.  Same thing applies - BF needs to have OP's back on this and have a talk with his sister, especially if he wants to remain OP's BF.

What? So because a few of you have decided on a "policy", no one is allowed to disagree? I'm not understanding?

I edited my post to try to explain my understanding of the "policy."

I think if OP has the conversation with the sister, it will be counterproductive and whether BF backs her or not, any future relationship with his family may be difficult, to say the least.  BF presumably knows his sister and how to approach her in a manner that will improve the situation and, who knows, OP may even get the apology she deserves.

But the BF already said to just not buy gifts anymore. To me that is his solution, and to push him to make a big deal about it when he doesn't feel it is, is not fair to him. We all have opinions about things, and they aren't always the same, if the OP feels that it is an issue, then she should approach the SIL. I don't agree that spouses need to get involved, I believe that people need to "fight their own battles".

I think as a policy, it's more about not letting family drive a wedge between a couple.  There are many situations (on this board even) where a family tries purposely to drive a wedge between a couple.  In those cases knowing that they always have to deal with their relative if they slight the SO actually can help. 

In this case, I sort of agree with you.  BF said no more presents.  That's what I'd do.  The question becomes down the rode when sister realizes she's not getting gifts from brother's SO what happens?  If sister approaches OP and wants to know why she isn't getting presents, or even pouts publicly.  What? 

Does OP say "Hey, your brother told me not to give you presents because you gave the last one I gave you away in front of me."    Does the brother cop to it, and take the hit or does he forget that's exactly what happened and blame OP? 

Worse does sister just go to her brother and start complaining about how OP never gives her gifts?  What does he do then?  Say "I told her not to, you gave her last gift away in front of her."  Or does he shrug it off and blame OP? 

I don't see a way that he get out of having to deal with this, or not deal with this eventually.  The real questions become: now or later?  and take responsibility or don't? 

wolfie

  • I don't know what this is so I am putting random words here
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7015
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #85 on: November 28, 2012, 11:15:50 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

CaptainObvious

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 236
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #86 on: November 28, 2012, 11:18:39 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

Exactly!

rashea

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9684
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #87 on: November 28, 2012, 11:22:14 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

How would you handle it if your sister came back and asked you later? I think the reason I would bring it up now is for me to avoid dreading it coming up every time I saw her.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

Vermont

Zilla

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6506
    • Cooking
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #88 on: November 28, 2012, 11:22:29 AM »
First off it isn't just the sister.  It's the parents of BF plus the parents of the little girls.  They allowed all of this to happen without a hiccup.  This sends a sign that this family is used to giving gifts to the little kids. (I am amazed the bracelets weren't falling off of them as they toddled off)
The OP now knows how this family operates and furthermore her own BF isn't that concerned with it as well.  So why try and pit herself or her BF against this entire family?  That doesn't bode well for future relations.  I think instead OP got an expensive but valuable lesson on how to proceed in the future.  Either buy a gift that might be given away or not get a gift at all.  I personally think the sister was incredibly rude to give her two new bracelets away in front of OP. (and how convenient there were 2 litle girls able to receive one each)

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2636
Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #89 on: November 28, 2012, 11:28:01 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

Exactly!

If it is symptomatic of a larger issue - that the sister does not respect her brother's SO, then by talking to her, BF will have set the boundary.  Otherwise, sister will think "Oh woe is me, ever since my brother met OP, he doesn't want to see me.  I don't know why."  By talking to her, she will know exactly why.