Author Topic: Gave away gift in front of me  (Read 16378 times)

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Zilla

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #90 on: November 28, 2012, 11:36:12 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

Exactly!

If it is symptomatic of a larger issue - that the sister does not respect her brother's SO, then by talking to her, BF will have set the boundary.  Otherwise, sister will think "Oh woe is me, ever since my brother met OP, he doesn't want to see me.  I don't know why."  By talking to her, she will know exactly why.
You are suggesting that the brother cut his sister out of his life over this issue?  And choose his girlfriend over his family?

wolfie

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #91 on: November 28, 2012, 11:39:15 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

How would you handle it if your sister came back and asked you later? I think the reason I would bring it up now is for me to avoid dreading it coming up every time I saw her.

My sister specifically I would be very surprised if she came back and asked me later. She likes to pretend that everything is happy family and ignores anything that flies in the face of this. But if she did I would say that she showed that since gifts to her were a burden, as evidenced by her giving them away, I thought I would stop burdening her with them. 

BarensMom

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #92 on: November 28, 2012, 11:48:05 AM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

Exactly!

If it is symptomatic of a larger issue - that the sister does not respect her brother's SO, then by talking to her, BF will have set the boundary.  Otherwise, sister will think "Oh woe is me, ever since my brother met OP, he doesn't want to see me.  I don't know why."  By talking to her, she will know exactly why.
You are suggesting that the brother cut his sister out of his life over this issue?  And choose his girlfriend over his family?

A PP suggested pulling back on the relationship.  As far as BF making the choice between girlfriend and family, if the girlfriend doesn't want to see his sister/family, it may cut seriously into the amount of time BF spends with his family.

In the general scheme of things, a mere girl/boyfriend (dating) shouldn't trump family.  If the relationship is serious, however (cohabiting, engaged), then it falls to the person to judge the situation between SO and family.  Once one is married, unless the spouse is in the wrong, then the marriage trumps everything else.

Venus193

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #93 on: November 28, 2012, 12:11:32 PM »

You are suggesting that the brother cut his sister out of his life over this issue?  And choose his girlfriend over his family?

A PP suggested pulling back on the relationship.  As far as BF making the choice between girlfriend and family, if the girlfriend doesn't want to see his sister/family, it may cut seriously into the amount of time BF spends with his family.

In the general scheme of things, a mere girl/boyfriend (dating) shouldn't trump family.  If the relationship is serious, however (cohabiting, engaged), then it falls to the person to judge the situation between SO and family.  Once one is married, unless the spouse is in the wrong, then the marriage trumps everything else.

It sounds like Penny and her BF live together, in which case the BF should be prioritizing Penny over his birth family.

A friend of mine was married for 20 years to a man who never learned to do this.  When his toxic father verbally abused her he did nothing in her defense.  She was too chicken to address this properly in couples counseling; hence they are now divorced.

I read this thread to another friend this morning who is of the opinion that the entire family wants to be rid of Penny.  I don't see a conspiracy here and we don't have enough information to make this assumption, but I do see an entitled brat being indulged by her parents and enabled by the rest of her family.  The fact that nobody blinked at her giving away an $80 birthday gift to two toddlers says that there is a family dynamic that she has dictated by her behavior.

Decimus

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #94 on: November 28, 2012, 12:13:06 PM »
If anything is said, the BF should say it.

1. It is harder to ignore statements from family than from "some stranger" as OP would be seen by the sister.
2. It shows BF and OP are united in their belief this was wrong and that BF has OP's back.
3. Because it was OP who gave the gift.  Sister seems the sort to think "who are you to tell me how to use the gift you gave me."  BF is a bit further, and hence can give the appearance of a more neutral observation.

However, it may not be worth saying anything.  BF may have come to the realization his sister is rude and isn't going to change, and speaking to her may achieve nothing more than an argument/hurt feelings for BF/possible family repercussions for BF (if the mother takes the sister's side, say).

Definitely don't get further gifts for the sister, though.

Eden

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #95 on: November 28, 2012, 12:20:14 PM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

Exactly!

If it is symptomatic of a larger issue - that the sister does not respect her brother's SO, then by talking to her, BF will have set the boundary.  Otherwise, sister will think "Oh woe is me, ever since my brother met OP, he doesn't want to see me.  I don't know why."  By talking to her, she will know exactly why.

A single incident of rudeness is not automatically a lack of respect or boundary-drawing situation.  This wasn't some dramatic scene or a systematic shunning of the OP. The sister did something really rude. Once. It should be addressed matter of factly without fuss and then everyone should move on. Were I the OP I would also pull back a little on the generosity of my gift giving for now.

The "policy" mentioned about only having the SO deal with their family is about overarching family dynamics and boundaries. It doesn't mean a person should not communicate at all with the in-laws. This is a specific instance that warrants being specifically addressed by only those involved (the OP and the sister). If the sister or the entire family habitually gave away OP's gifts or were rude to her, that should be addressed by the SO.


Jaelle

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #96 on: November 28, 2012, 12:35:34 PM »
I think people are being very hard on the parents.

They could, maybe should, have said something, but I could easily see being so flummoxed by the situation that nothing seemed right ... and hence saying nothing at all (and regretting it later).

Also, I wonder if both parents saw this. If the parent who is not related to the family witnessed it and the other didn't, I could see shying away from the inevitable conflict to be considered the lesser of two evils. (For example, I would not want to get into it with my SIL.) It's not my place to tell her she's being rude, even if I think she is.

I can actually see the parents wondering what the heck they should be doing now on their own. I don't think it'd occur to me, after the fact, that I could/should give the bracelets back to the original giver. The sister did have the right to dispose of them as she saw fit. It was the way she did it that was rude (and fairly silly, considering).

Edited to add that I don't see anywhere in the OP that the kids asked for the bracelets. If they did, that's different. I'd be telling my boys, "Oh, no, you don't do that." If the sister just said, "Hey, you can have these!" that's when the above comes into play.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2012, 12:39:05 PM by elephantschild »
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
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Kaypeep

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #97 on: November 28, 2012, 12:50:30 PM »
But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

You make it sound like the BF will confront the sis and she will see the light and change her ways and all will be happy. If it were  me I wouldn't bother confronting my sister because I already know it will do no good. She will refuse to see herself in a bad light and by the end of the conversation I will be fuming because it will be implied it is all my fault. So my solution would be to not give her anymore gifts and pull back on a relationship with her. It doesn't mean I think my SO deserves the treatment - it means I recognize the futility of confrontation and will tailor my actions accordingly.

EXACTLY!

There have been no other comments by the OP that the sister is unfriendly or rude towards her.  Just this one instance regarding the gift. Whatever the sisters issues are, she deserves no more gifts because she's shown disrespect to OP with how she handled things.  BF agrees, no more gifts.  I don't think OP will derive any satisfaction from sister by having anyone speak to her.  At her age, she should know better.  If sis asks why no gifts later, then I'd call her out  on what she did and point out that you only give to those who appreciate them.  (I'd also like to see what sis gives OP for xmas or a birthday, or if she's rude or PA in other ways.  If this is a one off event, I see no reason to make a big issue out of it.

cookiehappy

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #98 on: November 28, 2012, 12:54:06 PM »
All I have to say is that if that is the way his sister acts and he didn't really see what the problem is, then he may not stand up for you to his family. Be very careful.

I agree with this.  I think you will have to make a decision on whether $80 is a big enough hill to die on.  If your DBF didn't think much of the bracelet issue, asking him to side with you on it against his family is a minefield you may not survive.  Something to think about.

Going forward, the brat gets nothing.  Not even a verbal happy birthday.  She doesn't deserve it. 
« Last Edit: November 28, 2012, 01:04:35 PM by cookiehappy »

mj

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #99 on: November 28, 2012, 12:56:27 PM »
I agree with no gift to Sis again.  And not just on birthdays, no other gifting events. 

Without more background, it's hard to say if OP should confront or just move on.  But I do think the advice to examine the relationships with BF and his family is a very good idea.

And if Sis asks the OP at Christmas, I say by all means tell her.  But I would keep it very factual and matter of fact "The two bracelets I gave you were given to toddlers, in front of me.  As I chose those bracelets because you claimed you wanted them and then chose to give them away in front of me, I was hurt and got the hint that you did not want gifts from me." 


Sophia

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #100 on: November 28, 2012, 01:11:30 PM »
I had an evil thought.  For Christmas, OP's BF gives the regifter toddler gifts.  After all, they will go to the toddlers anyway.  Right? 

When offended, I feel better thinking of things to do that are evil. 

Zilla

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #101 on: November 28, 2012, 01:18:57 PM »
I think the BF had the best solution of all, no more gifts for the sister.  And if she kicks up a fuss (which I doubt she will) then BF hopefully will tell her it was his idea.  (this will make him a keeper)
But as for pulling back from seeing them or asking for the bracelets back or even confronting the sister over what happened does not bode well for the future.  They should tread carefully but not overreact.

Deetee

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #102 on: November 28, 2012, 01:28:11 PM »
The BF sounds perfectly reasonable to me. He suggested no more gifts for the sister. That seems totally appropriate. I also noted that he disn't seem to get a gift for her either.

It's also the easist.

ettiquit

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #103 on: November 28, 2012, 01:34:22 PM »
I think that suggesting to the OP that her DBF isn't husband material because he didn't go yell at his sister is ludicrous and insulting to the OP.  The OP didn't express any concern over her DBF's reaction and certainly did not ask us for relationship advice.  I think her DBF reacted pretty much the same as my DH would, and I've never regretted any second of the 10 years we've been married.  I also noticed she hasn't posted since since the talk became geared to her relationship, and I hope it's not because she's hurt or insulted, but if it were me - I'd of had this thread locked by now.

That being said, I would spend up to, but no more than $0 on any future gift for this woman.

CaptainObvious

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Re: Gave away gift in front of me
« Reply #104 on: November 28, 2012, 01:42:48 PM »
I think that suggesting to the OP that her DBF isn't husband material because he didn't go yell at his sister is ludicrous and insulting to the OP.  The OP didn't express any concern over her DBF's reaction and certainly did not ask us for relationship advice.  I think her DBF reacted pretty much the same as my DH would, and I've never regretted any second of the 10 years we've been married.  I also noticed she hasn't posted since since the talk became geared to her relationship, and I hope it's not because she's hurt or insulted, but if it were me - I'd of had this thread locked by now.

That being said, I would spend up to, but no more than $0 on any future gift for this woman.

I agree with this 100%, plus I think that expecting his Parents to step in is also OTT. I would not want my in-laws or my Parents sticking their nose into things that do not concern them. I believe that disagreements should stay between the parties involved. Getting the entire family involved never ends well.