Gave away gift in front of me

[Hillia]

My dh has spent his entire life (30 yrs) playing second fiddle to his rude, arrogant, self centered brother...who now tries to treat me the same way.  Their parents think it's funny when bil feeds the expensive steaks we bought him to his dogs, or starts ordering me around in my own home ("he just knows what he wants!").  Dh, bless him, is so conditioned to 'get along' that he can't/won't stand up for either of us.  So I stand up for myself, with the result that bil don't speak at all and I get the occasional, instantly deleted email from mil about how family always forgive each other.

[VorFemme]

No more gifts for sister - if she asks "where's my gift?" - the OP and her BF look at Sis and tell her that she doesn't seem to LIKE the presents that were picked out for her BIRTHDAY as she gave them away at the party to the toddlers.  Since their taste isn't up to Sis's standards, they won't be burdening her with anything else that she has to get rid of...then ask for more coffee, whipped cream on their Christmas dessert, or possibly if there is any more of that *favorite dish* left.

At Christmas, you don't have to stick to just bean dip......

[MamaMootz]

I can see the points made by both sides here - but I agree with the posters who say that BF needs to address this with his sister. The BF has a closer relationship with her and needs to let her know that this type of treatment toward the OP is not OK.

Without more information, we don't know if that will work or not. The point is, BF knows best what will work in this situation.

I absolutely would not buy sister any more gifts. I think we all agree on that point.

[Mikayla]

I'm in the middle, I guess.  I don't think BF should be thrown to the wolves, especially since he wasn't even there.  But his sister's actions were so egregious that I don't think the solution is as simple as not gifting her in the future.

A PP made the very good point that these bracelets easily could have been returned for the ones she wanted.  So at that point, this goes beyond gifting.  Sis went out of her way to humiliate and embarrass the OP.  *This* is what may need further discussion, not the gift giving policy.

[eltf177]

I can see both sides of "DBF needs to talk to BS" here. It may very well be DBF knows that any talk with BS will be futile, hence the "don't buy her anything else" speech. OTOH the OP needs to Know DBF has her back, especially if the relationship is long-term.

However, until we get some further details this can go either way...

[JeanFromBNA]

I don't think the BF should ask for the bracelets back and I am on the fence as to whether he should say anything, but I do think that this whole incident should serve as a Yellow Flag (or maybe an orange cone?) for the OP. As in, Caution! Look carefully and watch for hazards on the road ahead.

I would be paying very close attention to the family dynamics at this point: Does everybody cater to birthday sister? Are gifts always treated as no big deal? Does BF ever confront his family? Are the children always appeased instead of being taught or told no? Is BS hostile toward the OP in other ways?

These are not questions the OP needs to answer for anyone besides herself, but I do think she needs to answer them.

This is great advice, period. 

For Christmas, I would get her a $10 gift card to the dollar store.  That sounds about right.

[Just Lori]

The timing couldn't be better.  I say bro sends his sister an email to the tune of "Dear Sis - It sounds like the bracelets weren't much of a hit at your birthday party.  For the sake of our continued relationship, I think it's better if we no longer exchange presents for birthdays and Christmas.  Love, Bro."

[HenrysMom]

The timing couldn't be better.  I say bro sends his sister an email to the tune of "Dear Sis - It sounds like the bracelets weren't much of a hit at your birthday party.  For the sake of our continued relationship, I think it's better if we no longer exchange presents for birthdays and Christmas.  Love, Bro."

I like this.

[Kiwichick]

But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

It depends on the personalities and families I guess.  If I insulted and hurt my sister's husband I would expect him to tell me how he feels.  I don't see why my sister has to step in the middle.

I wouldn't think I could get away with treating him like dirt because he chose to call me on my behaviour and my sister didn't.

[miranova]

Having the boyfriend tell her sister that her actions are hurtful and rude has nothing to do with getting actual results, it's the principle of it.  If my hypothetical boyfriend sat back and shrugged while his family treated me that way, that would be a huge warning flag to me and I'd be reevaluating.  Every relationship is different of course, and only the OP can decide if she is happy with her boyfriend's reaction but I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong expectation here.  Some of us would expect our SO to intervene, some wouldn't.  It's not wrong either way, it just may be an indication of lack of compatibility if the OP and her BF are not on the same page here.

[LeveeWoman]

The timing couldn't be better.  I say bro sends his sister an email to the tune of "Dear Sis - It sounds like the bracelets weren't much of a hit at your birthday party.  For the sake of our continued relationship, I think it's better if we no longer exchange presents for birthdays and Christmas.  Love, Bro."

PennyandPleased was the one who bought the bracelets. Nowhere in her post does it say her boyfriend contributed a dime.

[mj]

But Captain Obvious, it's not only just about the $80 or the gift.  It is about the fact is that the OP, his girlfriend, was shown disrespect by his sister in front of other family members.  If BF doesn't call his sister out on the disrespect now, then it bodes ill for OP's relationship.  Because sister thinks she can get away with treating OP like dirt and will continue to do so, unless and until her brother calls her on it.

Edited to ask:  But was it from the OP only?  In the original post, BF wasn't there - were the bracelets from both?

It depends on the personalities and families I guess.  If I insulted and hurt my sister's husband I would expect him to tell me how he feels.  I don't see why my sister has to step in the middle.

I wouldn't think I could get away with treating him like dirt because he chose to call me on my behaviour and my sister didn't.

Yes, but you probably wouldn't have done what the Sis did in the OP.  These kinds of things happenings usually do signal a step in from the original family member, that's why people are suggesting the BF intervene.

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm curious to know why the sister gave the bracelets away, rather than exchange them?

Was it because she couldn't be bothered? Because she felt embarrassed asking the OP for the receipt? Because she (as the BF claims) loves the nieces so much that she wants to give them whatever they ask for?

Whatever, the case, I think the OP and her BF should together, tell sister that (a) they would have been willing to exchange the bracelets on her behalf, if only she'd asked; and (b) that it was really hurtful of her to give them away in front of the OP; and (c) they'd prefer not to exchange gifts with the sister in the future.

I think it's also worth having a conversation with the parents of the toddlers. Could it be that they genuinely had no idea how much the bracelets were worth, and just thought they were really cheap or something? Perhaps when they find out the value, they'll think twice before letting their toddlers accept future gifts from the sister.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

I recommend making any future gift giving (or not) the BF's responsibility.  If he gets a gift for his sister, it's from him and the OP.  If sister complains about a gift or lack thereof, she can be told to direct her complaints to the BF.

Without further information, I'm not willing to criticize the parents of the girls who received the bracelets.  They were at the party with three young children, and I imagine most of their attention was on the children.  They may not have been aware of the significance or cost of the bracelets.  At the time the bracelets were handed over, the parents were trying to wrangle three children out the door.  The regifting may have been barely a blip in the chaos.  It may have been like "Oh thanks . . . Susie, don't take your coat off . . . Tiffany, put the cat down . . . Brian, you can have a drink when we get in the car . . . Susie, I said don't take your coat off . . ."

[Hillia]

The OP mentioned that the bracelets were from a very specific,well known store; the store's name was displayed on the wrapping and the box, and there was much conversation when the gift was opened about where they came from.  So the parents of the toddlers knew at least that these were not junky discount store bracelets, but something that cost a bit, even if they didn't know the exact cost.

And I don't cut the sister any slack either...how can you be 26 years old and not be aware of how to exchange an item at the store?  If she couldn't be bothered and just wanted to insult someone by tossing their gift aside, well, she accomplished that, and now can reap the rewards of her nastiness.