Am I being petty? Updated #38

[Decimus]

I'll just POD the other comments.  Officially, they haven't told you, so you don't know (you just have second-hand gossip).  Once you have been directly informed, and they have apologised, you can offer congratulations.  In the meantime they are just guests who failed to arrive.

The one thing you could have done differently is call them on the day and say "Hey, where are you?" as if you still expected them.  But it's too late for that now.

[bah12]

I'm also confused.

It reads to me like your sister was the one that made these plans and arranged things with everyone and that your female cousin told your sister she didn't think she'd be able to come.  So, she did communicate it to the organizer of the event.  Your sister was the one that chose only to tell your mom, who told you.  Did your sister say anything to you about the others not coming?  Did she give you a reason or did everyone just not show up?

Personally, I think the person that may be at fault, is your sister.  At best, her event was poorly organized and communicated.  And put you in a tough spot considering that she was hosting at your place.

And I'm not sure what's up with the male cousin...did your sister say anything about him?

I don't think you're being petty, though.  You have a right to be upset.  I'm just not entirely sure that it's your female cousin that is fully to blame.  Also, I don't think you are required to call and congratulate them considering that they haven't shared the news with you yet.  Perhaps the next time you do see her/speak to her you can say that you heard the news and wanted to offer congratulations, but I don't think you are required to make a special phone call just to do it.

[Giggity]

She told my sister that she didn't know if she would come to my place after all since she didn't think it was safe to drive that far (5 hours) at 3 months.

Wait, it's not safe for pregnant women to drive?

[Girlie]

OP, I don't see an ounce of pettiness in you for the situation.

If you've always felt pressured to maintain relationships with these people but haven't really gotten much out of them yourself, now might be a good time to let them cool a bit.

Regardless of the reason, barring a very sudden emergency, every attemplt should have been made to contact you directly and say something. Even if your sister did make the initial arrangements, you were still the elected hostess, and you should have been notified by every single person (or couple) that chose not to come at such a late date.

As for calling your cousin - you have not been informed of any such pregnancy by your cousin or her husband. Offering a warm congratulations for a medical condition to which you have not personally been made privy could, in some circles, be considered forward. If your cousin wants your input, let her call you with the announcement.

[jmarvellous]

She told my sister that she didn't know if she would come to my place after all since she didn't think it was safe to drive that far (5 hours) at 3 months.

Wait, it's not safe for pregnant women to drive?

This is confusing to me, as is the part about assuming she wouldn't come once you knew she was pregnant. Unless she's really paranoid and you know it, I guess. I am not aware of any medical or cultural reasons not to go on a moderate road trip when pregnant.
 
I would also like to know whether your sister came (and if not, what her excuse was).

I do not think you're petty at all to be annoyed with this snub, but I am just befuddled as to why you weren't on the phone with one or all of these people as soon as they were 30 minutes late, asking when (not if) they'd be there.

I hope you get the belated apologies you deserve.

[KarenK]

She told my sister that she didn't know if she would come to my place after all since she didn't think it was safe to drive that far (5 hours) at 3 months.

Wait, it's not safe for pregnant women to drive?

Yeah, that leapt out at me as well.

Regardless of whether or not her concern is valid, the OP's sister should have told her that they weren't coming. Although I'm not happy with the OP's mom spilling the beans when no one was supposed to know about it, if she hadn't, NyaChan would never have known, she would have prepared for guests and Thanksgiving dinner, and been left hanging. Not cool at all.

[Deetee]

Leaving the pregnancy out of this, they were rude to not let you know they weren't coming.

The rules of etiquette do not leave when you are pregnant. The pregnancy is irrelevant to their behaviour. Their plans changed and you should have been told.

[AreaWoman]

I didn't see anyone else addressing this, so I just want to point out that I'm about three months pregnant, and my doctor indicated I have no travel restrictions at this point (although I understand others may be different).  I think the story about not being able to travel was a ruse/excuse to cover what is just a desire to see immediate family.  Just my $0.02.

[Mikayla]

NyaChan, I don't think you're being in the least bit petty, but I also agree with PPs that parts of this are confusing.  Here's what I couldn't figure out from the OP, especially the bolded:

"She told my sister that she didn't know if she would come to my place after all since she didn't think it was safe to drive that far (5 hours) at 3 months.  No one told me.  I figured I wasn't supposed to know about the pregnancy and so I waited to hear from the cousin about her regrets.  She has yet to contact me.  My male cousin, her little brother, made no contact with me either.  If my mom hadn't said something, I would have still gone into Thanksgiving thinking that I was having 3 more house guests."

If all  you had heard at this point was that cousin "didn't know" if she'd come, at what point did *you* know for sure she wasn't coming?  And on the bolded, I didn't see anything your mom said that would have confirmed they weren't.

I'm just wondering if this wasn't like that old game Post Office.  I think you have valid reason to be very frustrated - I'm just not sure at whom!

Edited to insert missing word

[violinp]

Maybe I'm really cynical (though my dad says that, if you think you're too cynical, you're probably wrong), but I'm thinking the "slip" by the sister was intentional, so that NyaChan's mom would tell NyaChan, and then NyaChan was supposed to just cancel everything, even though she'd planned a nice event for all the cousins already.

Frankly, female cousin was very rude. I understand that pregnancy can change lots of plans around, but female cousin could have at least called to cancel, not rely on the family grapevine and NyaChan somehow divining that no response means plans are cancelled.

[MrsJWine]

She told my sister that she didn't know if she would come to my place after all since she didn't think it was safe to drive that far (5 hours) at 3 months.

Wait, it's not safe for pregnant women to drive?

Yeah, that's totally bizarre. Unless she has an extremely high-risk pregnancy, there's no good reason for this. If that's not the case, either she's extraordinarily paranoid, or she was really fishing for a reason to not come.

[Bookgirl]

She told my sister that she didn't know if she would come to my place after all since she didn't think it was safe to drive that far (5 hours) at 3 months.

Wait, it's not safe for pregnant women to drive?

Yeah, that's totally bizarre. Unless she has an extremely high-risk pregnancy, there's no good reason for this. If that's not the case, either she's extraordinarily paranoid, or she was really fishing for a reason to not come.

It is odd.  Although she apparently felt a 3 hour drive was safe enough. 

[Kiwichick]

Leaving the pregnancy out of this, they were rude to not let you know they weren't coming.

The rules of etiquette do not leave when you are pregnant. The pregnancy is irrelevant to their behaviour. Their plans changed and you should have been told.

Isn't that exactly what Flydell North said?

Are you close to your cousins OP?  If you are I'd call and have a conversation about what happened at thanksgiving and congratulate them on the baby. 

If you aren't then I wouldn't do a thing and I'd make a note never to invite them to anything again.

Also it's time to tell your mother to keep her nose out of your relationships.

[Lynn2000]

I would also like to add that indirect communication seems to play a big part in the problem here. Some families like to use the grapevine for some information--like pregnancy announcements, for example--and that can be fine. But, when someone is trying to plan a get-together, having intermediaries between the attendees and the host/home provider (within a small family group) can in some cases just lead to confusion and miscommunication.

Everyone in this story is an adult and should be able to communicate directly about their plans, instead of saying, "Auntie, tell your daughter to tell her sister that we might or might not be coming to spend Thanksgiving with her this week..." I would, I think, be further insulted that someone who was perfectly willing to partake of my food and home could not tell me directly they wouldn't be there, but had to pass the message through others. (Or maybe it was the OP's sister who passed a message through her mother? I'm confused about that part. But either way it seems like no one who was part of the original plan communicated directly with the OP to tell her it had changed.)

Going forward, if you find yourself wanting to host people again, I think I wouldn't let someone else coordinate it, but rather would directly communicate with all adult participants, and follow up/hold them accountable if they don't do what was agreed to. I don't think the OP did anything wrong on this point since it's likely the usual family method of communication, but it might help improve things in the future. My own family is frustratingly non-communicative and indirect as well.

[doodlemor]

You have every reason to be outraged, NyaChan - your cousin was very rude and thoughtless.  It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do yet, no matter her chronological age.

The only thing I can add to the excellent advice you have received is to be very careful if you are invited to her house.  Given her lack of knowledge concerning your dinner, I suspect that she doesn't understand what is involved in hosting.  She sounds like someone who might not be organized enough to provide for guests' comfort.