Am I being petty? Updated #38

[NyaChan]

Wow everyone, thank you for your responses.  I have to admit, I am actually surprised.  I really though everyone was going to think I was a horrible person for not calling yet about the baby. 

To clarify things:  My sister did come to visit me as she originally planned.  She was going on a long vacation from her residency and to accommodate that, had been working crazy shifts at the hospital.  I hadn't been in communication with her because of that until just a day or so before hand when she confirmed her pickup and willingness to do whatever I wanted for those few days by text before she fell into bed to sleep off her time on call.  I wasn't going to let the whole cousin thing ruin my favorite holiday, and we had a really fun time together. 

This set of cousins has always subtly (well I guess it used to be subtle) preferred my sister to me, so it isn't really unusual that plans made together would go primarily through my sister unless my direct input was needed.  I think in my mind, it was upsetting mostly because they directly asked me if they could stay at my apartment and I told them yes.  Even if my sister was the hostess due to her role in the planning, I felt like they could have told me they were no longer staying at my apartment.  When we were planning, we originally chose between my city and a beach city.  The cousin actually stated that she preferred to visit my town and then asked if they could stay with me.  I directly responded that I thought it was a great plan and was happy to have them stay with me.

As for her reluctance to drive while pregnant, I suspect that she found out she was pregnant after we planned this and wanted to be in town with her family to announce it at Thanksgiving, which I completely understand. The only other cousin our age who has gotten pregnant found out recently in the middle of serious serious marital problems (involving abuse) so it was more of a scary thing than a happy event.  Another cousin just found out he has a brain tumor, so our family badly needed good news. 

As for when I truly knew they weren't coming?  Well I waited to hear from them after I talked to my mom thinking they would at least email me if they couldn't make it and not wanting to tip my hand as to knowing about the baby, but as Thanksgiving was only one or two days away, I just figured they weren't coming since I hadn't heard a peep from them about what time they were arriving.  I think that was the point at which I dropped the ball and should have called them to ask what was up, but my pettiness got the better of me in a "Man, they weren't even going to call me to say they weren't coming?  Fine, I'm not calling them either," sort of way.     

If you guys really think it isn't flat out rude, I don't think I will contact her about the baby just now.  If anyone else contacts me to ask why or starts talking about it like I know, I'm not sure what to say.  I actually will ask my sister why she didn't tell Cousin to let me know they weren't coming, though I suspect she was just so distracted by the news of the baby that she just wasn't thinking. 

[O'Dell]

If anyone else contacts me to ask why or starts talking about it like I know, I'm not sure what to say.

Why would anyone contact you to ask why you haven't called them? Is that a realistic concern?

[NyaChan]

Oh yeah lol.  For my family, it is totally realistic.  It is a cultural thing for us that you call people when things happen to give condolences, congrats, etc.  If cousin notices that I haven't contacted her and mentions it in front of someone, as in "I haven't even heard from NyaChan!" or if anyone else is talking to me and asks whether I've spoken to her and I say no I haven't, they are going to scold me for not doing it and also want to know why. 

[bah12]

So, your cousins did communicate with you directly about the visit.  That's different than what I understood before.  And in that case, they were absolutely rude not to directly tell you directly that the plans have changed.  I don't think it would have been so awful for the female cousin to say "Hey, I just found out I was pregnant and I really want to go to my family's for Thanksgiving and announce the news.  I'm so sorry about the change of plans and I hope you understand."

And if the issue was that she didn't want anyone to know she was pregnant before she told her family, then she could have said "Something unexpected came up and I can't share it with you now, but I need to change plans and go visit my family.  Don't worry, it's nothing bad and I'll be able to tell you more on the 23rd."  Although this probably wasn't the case, since she told her sister the news before Thanksgiving.

What was your male cousin's excuse?

I would worry about calling and if for some reason they have the gall to call you and ask why you haven't called them, you can always say something like "Oh, I don't remember getting any calls from you indicating that you needed to talk to me."  It may seem like a petty thing to say, but it drives home the point that they haven't made any attempts to contact you either.

[Tea Drinker]

There are a few possible answers to "why not?" from a third party. The social lie would be "You mean Cousin is pregnant?! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" but that still leaves you with what to do when you get off the phone.

The alternatives I can think of are some version of telling them that she stood you up at Thanksgiving, and you still haven't heard from her. That leaves room for either "I feel like she owes me an apology, and have been giving her some time to call" or "I don't know what I did to offend her, but I don't want to call and congratulate someone her while she's upset with me, and risk making things worse. Do you have any idea why she might not be talking to me?"

[anonymousmac]

If cousin notices that I haven't contacted her and mentions it in front of someone, as in "I haven't even heard from NyaChan!" or if anyone else is talking to me and asks whether I've spoken to her and I say no I haven't, they are going to scold me for not doing it and also want to know why.

If anyone asks you about cousin, you could say "She and [other cousin] were supposed to come to my place for Thanksgiving, and they never showed up, and I haven't even heard from them since!  Do you know if she's alright?  Is she angry at me for some reason?  I'm kind of upset and worried about this."

Then your relatives are supposed to pass this information back to her and hopefully take her to task and make her contact you to apologize and let you know.  In families where people use this indirect method of passing messages and holding each other accountable, you might as well use it to your advantage for once!

[TootsNYC]

Oh yeah lol.  For my family, it is totally realistic.  It is a cultural thing for us that you call people when things happen to give condolences, congrats, etc.  If cousin notices that I haven't contacted her and mentions it in front of someone, as in "I haven't even heard from NyaChan!" or if anyone else is talking to me and asks whether I've spoken to her and I say no I haven't, they are going to scold me for not doing it and also want to know why.

Don't give a *real* reason--just say, "Oh, I've been busy, I keep forgetting!"
or "I always think of it too late to call."
"You know how it is, you just get wrapped up, and then realize you haven't called."

Though I like anonymousmac's answer.

[gramma dishes]

If anyone asks you about cousin, you could say "She and [other cousin] were supposed to come to my place for Thanksgiving, and they never showed up, and I haven't even heard from them since!  Do you know if she's alright?  Is she angry at me for some reason?  I'm kind of upset and worried about this." ...

 

I like those words except for the 'angry at me' part.  You know that she has no reason on earth to be angry with you, although you do have reason to be angry with her.  I would not even suggest for a moment that she might possibly be angry with you.  That might give her fodder to think up some imaginary slight that she could then claim to have "hurt her feelings" or made her angry.  I wouldn't go there at all.

[NyaChan]

Update: 

I didn't call my cousin after all.  Just yesterday morning, I was checking my email and received this:

Cousin: NyaChan!
how are you
when is your spring break?
if your free March 23rd weekend let me know
 
me: Hey how are you?
 
Cousin: good!
its all good. how have you been?

me: I'm doing well, just finishing up this last semester - how have you been feeling?
 
Cousin: not bad.
My baby shower is March 23rd, if your not busy you should come!

me: oh how exciting! I'm sorry, I really wish I could be there, but I actually am going to be on a cruise on that day. The date to cancel it already passed, or else I could have tried to get out of it.
Are you having it with the family?
 
Cousin: no worries. that sounds like fun though.  it will be both friends and family

me: that sounds really nice, if you guys take pictures/video, I'd love to see it
 
Cousin: yeah for sure!
-------------------general talk about other pregnant cousin---------------------------
Cousin: well I got to get back to studying. it was good talking to you. its been a while. take care!
 
and good luck with the semester!

me: Thank you, good luck with your studying. Stay healthy & take care of yourself

This conversation is the first time I've had any contact with her since the time she asked to stay at my house.  I genuinely can't go to her baby shower because my cruise leaves on that day (if I had known, I may have tried to schedule around it).  I am knitting her a baby blanket (posted about it in the craft section) and will send it to my Aunt to give it to her at the shower.  Unfortunately, when I mentioned this invitation to my parents, it sparked a lovely argument followed by one of my mom's signature guilt trip emails sprinkled with numerous religious references to my obligations as a member of the family and prayers that I might one day improve as a human being.  Of course, I am just childish and stubborn enough to not tell them that I am (and was planning to anyways, just wanted an idea of the gender before I started) going  to make her a gift for the baby, information that would likely have appeased them a bit.   Anyways, I think this situation is more or less resolved   Thanks ehellions!

[kckgirl]

Well, no matter what your mom says, even if she doesn't know about your making a lovely gift, you are not a failure as a family member or human being. People make plans. Sometimes those plans interfere with what other people have planned. It's unfortunate, but it happens. That's life. If she is offering a guilt trip because you're not attending the shower, I, too, wouldn't bother to tell that I am knitting something special for the baby.

[JenJay]

How were you supposed to keep your schedule clear for a baby shower you weren't aware was being planned for a pregnancy you only heard about secretly and weren't supposed to acknowledge? Sheesh! I understand your mom being annoyed that you can't go to the shower but she's blaming the wrong person!

[LifeOnPluto]

From what I've read, it sounds like your cousins were expecting your sister (and possibly mother?) to inform you that they were no longer visiting you for Thanksgiving.

While it's not horrendously rude, it is (to me) still pretty darn lazy and thoughtless. And I note that your cousin didn't even mention the failed Thanksgiving plans once in your chat. How arrogant. Expecting you just live with it, like it was no big deal at all. Frankly, I think you were far too nice to her, in the chat.

[sammycat]

And I note that your cousin didn't even mention the failed Thanksgiving plans once in your chat. How arrogant. Expecting you just live with it, like it was no big deal at all. Frankly, I think you were far too nice to her, in the chat.

My thoughts exactly! And quite frankly, OP's mother's comments re. not attending the shower are beyond appalling. Even ignoring the cousin's bad behaviour, it wouldn't even enter my head to consider cancelling/postponing something like a cruise to attend a baby shower.

Unless I'm missing something, neither cousin has apologised for their appalling rude behaviour.

OP, have the cousins been rude and self centred all their lives? If so, is it because they've always been pandered to and never called out on their behaviour?

[TurtleDove]

I think this is a situation of choosing being right or being happy.  The cousin seems over it.  She seems to want a happy relationship with the OP. The OP is of course justified in being upset and wanting an apology or ____.  But in the end, what does the OP really want?  If it's a happy stress free life, I would just say, "look, that hurt my feelings - don't do it again" and be happy and forgiving moving forward.

[RooRoo]

What an "interesting" family dynamic. Are you expected (as I was) to hear and obey mere hints, too? and only the Great Goddess Mom gets to criticize?   

…mom then told me that my sister had related to her in secret that the female cousin told her she was pregnant but that she shouldn't tell anyone.

This gives you a way to indirectly raise this with your cousin: warning her that, if she wants to keep something secret, she shouldn't tell your sister. "...but I can keep a secret - and then I would have known not to expect you for Thanksgiving..."

Or a different approach - "Sister had to tell me your secret so that I knew not to expect you for Thanksgiving. Why didn't you just call me and tell me something came up?"

…they directly asked me if they could stay at my apartment and I told them yes.

Then you are the one they should have told.

…one of my mom's signature guilt trip emails sprinkled with numerous religious references to my obligations as a member of the family and prayers that I might one day improve as a human being.

To which you may respond, “At least I didn't tell her I’d be at her house for Thanksgiving, and then neither call nor show up!"