Author Topic: Am I being petty? Updated #38  (Read 14011 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #45 on: January 31, 2013, 11:00:07 AM »
How were you supposed to keep your schedule clear for a baby shower you weren't aware was being planned for a pregnancy you only heard about secretly and weren't supposed to acknowledge? Sheesh! I understand your mom being annoyed that you can't go to the shower but she's blaming the wrong person!

I don't!

I don't understand this at all.

I understand your mom being *disappointed* that you can't go to the shower. Or bummed out.

But annoyed?

NyaChan

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #46 on: January 31, 2013, 11:24:28 AM »
My mom was upset about a number of things in addition to me not going to the shower.  The reason the not going to the shower upset her is because my parents were already not thrilled about giving me permission to go to the cruise (or rather their blessing, because even my mom acknowledged when I pointed it out that I could hide these things from them both, but don't because I don't like lying to them) for a number of reasons.
 
They don't like it when I want to do things without family that they consider to be reserved for "when you are married."  These "things" includes vacations.  It upsets them that I'd want to go on a trip with a friend rather than arrange one with them, but the reality is that it almost never happens with them and if it does happen, we don't enjoy the same things, and inevitably start to fight - not very relaxing. They also don't like that I am going with a non-Muslim, non-Indian friend since I don't have close friends of that sort, just a few acquaintances that I see a few times a year.  Their initial reaction upon being told was almost exactly, No - you barely spend any time with Muslim people and now you want to go on a cruise with your school friend?  They are right in that I haven't made an effort to make close friends in the communities around where I've been going to school, but honestly, I didn't think I'd be spending more than a few years in any of those places and wanted to concentrate on making friends at school where I'd need contacts and study buddies and fit in better rather than being socially centered outside of school.

The cruise preventing me from going to my cousin's shower (and my parent interpret this invitation as this lovely gesture on her part, and how nice she was to ask me to contrast to my ungraciousness) just adds insult to injury as they also feel that I don't make enough of an effort to be close to our relatives.  Completely ignoring of course, the reality that some of these relatives make no effort either and if truth be told, they'd rather it was my sister who was close enough to make the 6-7 hour drive to attend. 

They were upset that I hadn't called her about the baby before this invitation and blame me for her not contacting me at Thanksgiving and in the meantime saying, "if you would show more of an interest by emailing to say hi or texting or whatever, she would make an effort to keep in touch with you.  She probably thinks you don't care what's happening in her life since you didn't call."  Kinda hard to argue with, but my stubborn side still thinks that it is unfair to completely dismiss whatever other people do that wasn't quite right and only focus on what I've done wrong. 

Anyways,  I'm not upset with my Cousin anymore and haven't been for quite a while, though I admit I was upset in November.  I think the argument had legs mostly because my parents can't conceive that something may not be entirely my fault, and I always get upset that they won't take my side on anything - and I mean anything.  I always seem to get the short end of the stick of the "be a bigger person" maxim. 

Jocelyn

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #47 on: February 02, 2013, 12:04:40 PM »


They were upset that I hadn't called her about the baby before this invitation and blame me for her not contacting me at Thanksgiving and in the meantime saying, "if you would show more of an interest by emailing to say hi or texting or whatever, she would make an effort to keep in touch with you.  She probably thinks you don't care what's happening in her life since you didn't call."   

'Yes, Mom, that's exactly what *I* thought when she called to ask if she could come stay with me at Thanksgiving, and then didn't bother to call to cancel, or contact me until two months later. I don't think she's particularly interested in my life at all, so I'm not forcing her to pretend that she is by keeping on contacting her as if she were.'

miranova

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #48 on: February 02, 2013, 12:57:59 PM »
I know that you have lived in this family dynamic for your entire life and that it may be hard for you to see this, but your life is yours to decide how to live, including how much effort to make for distant relatives, what vacations to go on, and with who.  You should not feel any guilt at continuing with your cruise plans.  You also don't owe your parents any explanation.  Your parents have a certain vision of the child that they want you to be, but they aren't owed that. 

Go and have a lovely time on your cruise and don't give this a 2nd thought.  Your cousin certainly seemed to understand that you already had other definitive plans.  Don't let your parents sour that.

miranova

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #49 on: February 02, 2013, 01:05:10 PM »
Totally irrelevant at this point but just on the pregnant woman driving 5 hours thing.  Absolutely for a normal pregnancy this is not an issue.  However, it could be an issue in a high risk pregnancy to always remain in close proximity to certain hospitals.  So it is actually possible that driving 3 hours in one direction is perfectly safe (if there are good hospitals along the way) but driving the same distance in another direction is more unsafe (no hospitals around).

The only reason this comes to mind is that my Dh runs into this as well with his medical condition.  He lives a completely normal life due to awesome medications.  But if the worst happened, his only chance of survival is emergency surgery.  Which is why he has never taken a cruise.  Not because cruising is dangerous but because there are no ORs on board.  We still may cruise one day, because the chances of something happening are small, but it's his choice.

I understand that that is not the issue here as there has been no talk of cousin having a high risk pregnancy or anything but it's not always a fake excuse.

weeblewobble

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #50 on: February 02, 2013, 01:17:38 PM »
It sounds like your parents are going to find fault with you no matter what you do, so you might as well do what you want and enjoy your life.

Yankeegal77

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #51 on: February 02, 2013, 02:12:12 PM »
It sounds like your parents are going to find fault with you no matter what you do, so you might as well do what you want and enjoy your life.

Coming out of lurkdom agree with this 100%.

As Dr. Deuss wisely said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.



Roe

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #52 on: February 02, 2013, 05:42:44 PM »
It sounds like your parents are going to find fault with you no matter what you do, so you might as well do what you want and enjoy your life.

I agree.  Your parents are stuck in the "old" ways so just smile and nod and do what you want to do.  I'm from a culture that often does things in the "old" way and I had to break away from them for awhile just to be able to breathe and to feel like I could make my own decisions and choices in life.

They may not have liked it but they got over it.  Either that or people die mad.  Either way, not your problem/fault. 
« Last Edit: February 04, 2013, 07:56:52 AM by Roe »

Ida

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #53 on: February 04, 2013, 12:13:48 AM »
It sounds like your parents are going to find fault with you no matter what you do, so you might as well do what you want and enjoy your life.

Fourthing.

Your parents are treating you very very poorly, and apparently the rest of your family is following their lead. They are using "culture" as an excuse. I know women from quite a few cultures, including Indian and Pakistani (and other) Muslims, first-generation Chinese-Americans, Iranian-born immigrants with Iranian parents, and no, they don't all get this kind of nonsense shoved on them. Some have, and I've learned from watching what happened.

Your busy sister with all that busy internship busyness going on -- Does she get that too? How did she become the hostess for the TG get-together YOU were giving? Was that her phrasing, or just assumed, or the accustomed way of doing things?

I suspect you're at the smiling-and-nodding-and-doing-your-thing-anyway stage of your relationship. Feeling bad and apologizing won't improve your relationships with your family; already it seems to have looked like an invitation for more of the same bad stuff.

This happens with lots of families in lots of cultures; the lyrics might change but the melody is the same. I can't really know what would make you feel better about this, but consider perhaps that they're running pre-recorded Muzak tapes at you, not anything with real content or meaning -- and trust me; those tapes are just barely old-school "cultural." The ancient Hebrews didn't invent the scapegoat; they just named it. 
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Deetee

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Re: Am I being petty? Updated #38
« Reply #54 on: February 04, 2013, 12:26:10 AM »
Ok, in my world a shower is not something that I would even think about the possibility of a shadow of a thought of rearraging a cruise or any prebooked or prearraged travel plans for. If you want me to come to something let me know earlier. If I have plans, too bad. (Funerals I would re-arrange plans for and possibly a last minute wedding)

So the idea that someone would get annoyed at me for not changing plans that can't be changed is ridiculous.

You aren't petty. Live your life. Your mom will be annoyed, but some people will always be annoyed and it sounds like your mom is one of those.