Coworker, will you be my maid of honor?

[ILoveMyCello]

I'm asking this for a friend of mine.

My friend has worked with a girl for almost 10 years that has been married 3 times. She doesn't hang out with the girl past work. This girl is working on getting married for the fourth time. She doesn't have a ring yet because "it's in layaway" so to me, this is a little jumping the gun. She has been with a guy for about 8 months.

She asked my friend to be her maid of honor, even though this girl has two grown daughters who I'm sure would love to be in that role. My friend doesnt know what to say and is a little uncomfortable with the idea of it. I told her to not say anything until the girl has a ring and it's for sure. Maybe even wait until she asks her about it again.

Any other advice?

[dawbs]

"Jane, I am SO honored that you thought of me.

I always hate to make plans like this so early in the planning process--so much can happen.
Why don't we wait and if, once you have set a date and have a timeline, you ask at that point"

(my cynical side wonders if a coworker would be more able to fund pre-wedding parties than her daughters couldd)

[BeagleMommy]

Your friend could say "Thank you for the honor, but I'm afraid I have to decline".  If her coworker pushes for a reason I would stick with "It's just not possible".

[guihong]

Dawbs is correct, and I'm glad someone else said that about the parties  .

That's if she asks again. I take it your friend demurred somehow. I would tell her to not bring it up, but if coworker asks again, go with Dawbs.

[LazyDaisy]

Sadly from the history of 3 weddings, I would guess that daughters and maybe other friends have already indicated they wouldn't love to be in wedding #4 for whatever reason -- don't like the "fiance", tired of doing it, or Coworker is the biggest bridezilla whenever she gets married. BeagleMommy's wording is good. Don't give any excuses that can be argued with.

[jmarvellous]

Sadly from the history of 3 weddings, I would guess that daughters and maybe other friends have already indicated they wouldn't love to be in wedding #4 for whatever reason -- don't like the "fiance", tired of doing it, or Coworker is the biggest bridezilla whenever she gets married. BeagleMommy's wording is good. Don't give any excuses that can be argued with.

I agree it's far more likely that her  adult daughters don't want to be in the wedding than that they do. 

Your friend should absolutely wait till there's an engagement and not bring it up in the meantime, and she should offer her best wishes but decline the 'honor.' And she should be careful to do so without excuses or waffling. "Oh, thanks so much for asking, but I just can't!"

[WillyNilly]

If this woman says she's engaged its pretty darn petty and snarky to assume she's actually not just because she's not wearing a ring.  A ring isnot required to be engaged.  Not at all, ever, and certainly not every single moment of engagement.  If she's engaged she's engaged, ring present or not.  Period.  If there is other reason to think she's not engaged so be it. but a ring on layaway is not a sign that she's jumping the gun and lying about actually being engaged.

As for being a MOH, your friend should simply thank the woman for the honor of being asked but apologize and say she's ever so busy these days and money is tight and she simply must decline.  Any further discussion should just be met with "I'm sorry but its not possible" over & over.

[bah12]

I agree that your friend shouldn't require or wait for some "proof" of the engagement outside of her coworker's word.

But, as others have said, all she has to say is "I'm honored that you asked, but I'll have to decline."  She doesn't have to give a reason.  And if she absolutely feels that she must, she can tell the truth. "I'm uncomfortable mixing my personal and work life."

[FoxPaws]

But, as others have said, all she has to say is "I'm honored that you asked, but I'll have to decline."  She doesn't have to give a reason.  And if she absolutely feels that she must, she can tell the truth. "I'm uncomfortable mixing my personal and work life."

She doesn't have to give an excuse, but if the reason she's being asked is because the bride thinks she'll be in a better position to host parties (as suggested above) mentioning tight finances will nip that in the bud.

[bah12]

But, as others have said, all she has to say is "I'm honored that you asked, but I'll have to decline."  She doesn't have to give a reason.  And if she absolutely feels that she must, she can tell the truth. "I'm uncomfortable mixing my personal and work life."

She doesn't have to give an excuse, but if the reason she's being asked is because the bride thinks she'll be in a better position to host parties (as suggested above) mentioning tight finances will nip that in the bud.

It could.  I have a personal philosophy against using money as an excuse for anything. One because I don't think that's information that should be discussed among coworkers and two, because it could be countered.  What if the coworker said that all she wants is someone to stand there and hold her bouquet and that she'd pay for the dress (I bought my bridal party dresses for them).   And I think it would be presumptious of the OP's friend to assume that money is the only reason why she was asked without any kind of indication from the coworker that she's expecting big, expensive parties.

Whenever possible, I try to be as honest as I can.  It's just easier in the long run.  It avoids having to go back and forth when someone counters your offer or have to make up new excuses not to do something.  And I think, too, that's why most people suggest using "It's not possible" and sticking with that.

[Kaypeep]

I'd tell her "I'm very touched you asked, but I'm not comfortable being involved in that way. I'd much rather be a regular guest."

If she's never been a bridesmaid before, this answer holds true since she's never done it for anyone else.
If she HAS been a bridesmaid for others before, it can still hold true because if pressed for more of an explanation, she can say "I've done the bridesmaid thing before and I don't think I can do it again. I prefer to just be a regular guest at this point in my life."

[Sharnita]

How old is your friend?  Is there any way she can pull off "At my age I am at the point where I'd rather just be a guest"?  It kind of hints that she is over being in WPs and it seems like it would be hard to ask somebody to be a MOH if they'd enjoy being "just a guest" more.

[MyFamily]

If this woman says she's engaged its pretty darn petty and snarky to assume she's actually not just because she's not wearing a ring.  A ring isnot required to be engaged.  Not at all, ever, and certainly not every single moment of engagement.  If she's engaged she's engaged, ring present or not.  Period.  If there is other reason to think she's not engaged so be it. but a ring on layaway is not a sign that she's jumping the gun and lying about actually being engaged.

As for being a MOH, your friend should simply thank the woman for the honor of being asked but apologize and say she's ever so busy these days and money is tight and she simply must decline.  Any further discussion should just be met with "I'm sorry but its not possible" over & over.

I really have to POD this.  I didn't have a ring at first when my dh and I got engaged for a few reasons.  But we were certainly engaged and I'd have been very upset to learn that people were assuming the engagement wasn't real because of the lack of a ring. 

I'm also raising an eyebrow at the assumptions being made here that because this is her 4th wedding she must not be serious about it.  I know someone whose first husband died young, the second husband was a mistake made because she really thought she should be married, her 3rd husband passed away and she is seriously dating someone now who she will probably marry.  Two of her three marriages would have been forever and ever except her husbands died.  Unless she's 25 and this is her 4th marriage, I think the judgement may not be fair. 

[Vall]

If she doesn't want to do it, she should thank her for asking and decline.

Why isn't the engagement "for sure"?  You don't have to date someone more than 8 months to be engaged.  A ring is not necessary to be engaged.  I dated my husband significantly less than 8 months when he proposed and I did not receive an engagement ring (I didn't want one).  And yes, I had been married more than once before.  No one (especially us) cared about those things.  We were engaged because I said yes.  Our engagement was "for sure".  We've been married for almost 9 years now.

[cookiehappy]

Should the coworker ask your friend again, your friend should be firm, yet polite:

"Oh, coworker, while I am honored (and/or surprised) with your request, I have to decline."

There is no need to give an excuse, tell a lie or hem and haw.  Straightforward is always the best approach.  Always.