Dear Abby: Party Letter 12/3/12 Nightmare Guest

[weeblewobble]

The second letter made my jaw drop. 

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20121203

Short summary: The LW and her husband have a tradition of throwing an annual holiday party for their neighbors.  One of the neighbors, Jim, has a habit of inviting people (that the hosts intentionally left off of the guest list) because he thinks that the hosts "forgot" to invite them.  This means extra people the hosts didn't expect and don't particularly want in their house. 

Last year, the hosts excluded Jim from their invitation list, but Jim emailed them repeatedly, demanding the time and date of the party, so they relented and told him.  He forwarded that email to dozens of people, which meant even more uninvited guests.

Abby suggested not hosting the party for a year or two and then re-establishing the tradition without Jim. 

I think that's a valid suggestion, but I also think that the hosts need to "spine up" and tell Jim to cut it out.  If they want to have their party, they should have it.   And when Jim demands to be invited, tell him no.  And possibly tell the other guests why Jim isn't invited and to please not give him the date and time.

So my questions are:

1) Would it be rude to tell the other guests not to tip off Jim?

2) Would it be rude to turn Jim's uninvited guests away at the door?

3) How would you handle this situation?

[JenJay]

I'd refuse to invite him despite his "demand" and tell him why. "I'm sorry, Jim, but we only have space for 15 guests. Every time we've invited you you've brought 10 extra guests we hadn't planned for and I'm afraid we can't accommodate you anymore."

[Venus193]

I agree with both of you. 

I would definitely address this because it is beyond presumptuous.  Leaving him off the guest list was clearly an inadequate solution.

[sidi-ji]

 Jim feels strongly that these people should be hosted--just not by him.  Cheaper that way.

[Nora]

Why? Why pause/ruin the party for everyone? Why not just talk to the guy?

[Barb3000]

I'd refuse to invite him despite his "demand" and tell him why. "I'm sorry, Jim, but we only have space for 15 guests. Every time we've invited you you've brought 10 extra guests we hadn't planned for and I'm afraid we can't accommodate you anymore."

exactly. Except I wouldn't mention the "space" issue. Just the fact that he is inviting "HIS" guests to your party is beyond rude and a good enough reason to exclude him.

[cicero]

I agree with both of you. 

I would definitely address this because it is beyond presumptuous.  Leaving him off the guest list was clearly an inadequate solution.

leaving him off the guest would have been fine had the hosts not caved in.

they need to not invite him, period.

he can whine all he wants, but he isn't *entitled* to an invitation.

what a loon

[Venus193]

My friend Eunice was in a position like this earlier this year over a double-dipping guest.

She did not invite the woman for St Patrick's Day, on which occasion Double Dipper called repeatedly.  Eunice ignored the phone (thanks to caller ID) until a guest answered and passed the phone to her.  She then told her why she didn't invite her in the first place.  Not a word from Double Dipper since.

[rose red]

I'd refuse to invite him despite his "demand" and tell him why. "I'm sorry, Jim, but we only have space for 15 guests. Every time we've invited you you've brought 10 extra guests we hadn't planned for and I'm afraid we can't won't accommodate you anymore."

Fixed that. 

[Winterlight]

1. No.

2. No. "I'm so sorry- Jim has apparently decided to invite people and not tell us. We cannot accomodate his guests."

3. I'd refuse to invite Jim and tell him why. Block his email and find a nicer person to have in his place.

[Thipu1]

This sort of thing cannot be allowed to happen.  The hosts are holding what they hope will be a pleasant gathering for 'friends'.

Jim is not a 'friend'.  What he has done is turn the hosts into unpaid caterers for a party of DOZENS of his friends.  Also, he's being extremely nasty about it. 

This guy deserves the Cut Direct.  All connections with him need to be severed, as soon as possible. 

Yes, the holidays are the time for peace, joy, generosity and good will.  Jim is displaying none of the above. 

Good Riddance to Jim. 

[siamesecat2965]

I agree to all that's already been said, but it also seems to me that invited or not, Jim would show up anyway and expect to be let in, fed, entertained etc. In addition, I think the hosts need to be firm and if they don't invite him, but he shows up anway, have plans in place to deal with him.

I also wonder about those who Jim invited. Were they just as clueless as him and came anyway, despite not being invited by the actual hosts? I know if i were in that situation, and a guest invited me to a party the hosts had not, I wouldn't go.

[BarensMom]

There are guys in black and white cars specifically for people like Jim.  It's a good thing.

[MrTango]

1) Would it be rude to tell the other guests not to tip off Jim?
I'm not sure, but I'd probably do it anyway.

2) Would it be rude to turn Jim's uninvited guests away at the door?
Not at all.

3) How would you handle this situation?
I would tell Jim very directly, preferably in writing: "You have repeatedly invited people to my home without my permission, even after I have asked you to cease doing so.  You are no longer welcome in my home.  You will not be receiving an invitation to my events now or in the future.  If you show up at my home, you will be ordered to leave.  If you refuse to do so, I will call the police to have you removed."

[LifeOnPluto]

I don't have a huge amount of sympathy for the hosts, since they chose to cave in and invite Jim.

And have they actually told Jim that the invitation is for him alone? If not, it's possible that Jim thinks it's an "open house" party, where he can bring friends if he wants (the more the merrier, etc).

If Jim absolutely has to be invited, the hosts should tell him very clearly that he is not to bring additional people. If he still brings his mates, the hosts shouldn't allow them inside. If they somehow force their way in, or sneak in, and refuse to leave when asked, the hosts need to call the police.