Dear Abby: Party Letter 12/3/12 Nightmare Guest

[kareng57]

My guess is that they reluctantly invited Jim because they were afraid of a scene at the front door - if he found out about the party (probably not difficult) and showed up anyway.

But at this stage, enough is enough.  They might want to enlist some good-sized guests to "encourage" him to leave if he does show up.

[doodlemor]

If the letter writer decides to have the same type of party again this year she will need to be extremely firm with Jim, telling him directly that he is not invited, and why. 

Since Jim is a neighbor, I think that the letter writer and her husband should think of hiring actual paid security to man the door, so that no one may enter who is not on the invitation list.  I suspect that Jim will show up when he sees that there is a party.

The letter writer said that Jim invited "dozens" of others last year.  If she did tell the whole, dreadful story to Abby it was edited out.  It would be interesting to know what happened. 

[Thipu1]

Decades ago, we hosted New Year's Day open house parties. 

They started with about 15-20 friends who would stop in at various times of the day.  That was fine.

It was also fine when our friends asked if they could bring a friend. This brought the guests up to about 35 people.  All these folks were interesting and perfectly polite. The visits were also spread out over about nine hours. We could handle that.   

Things started to get out of hand in the third year when friends of friends started to bring their friends without asking.  Now we're getting up to 60 people and we were never introduced to half of them. 

The last straw happened in the fourth year.  Friends of friends of friends of friends were showing up and I was pretty much pinned to the kitchen the whole day with almost 100 'guests'.  There were complaints about the 'nasty caterer in the kitchen' and the lack of certain foods or drinks.   

After the whole mess was over, we noticed that some small, pretty and, sometimes rather expensive  decorative items we had in the house were missing.  That was the end of the New Year's Day open house.

We never had a real altercation but, if it happened, we would have been prepared.  Several of our real friends worked in law enforcement.  A State Trooper and a NYPD Detective could get things under control very quickly. 

Now we know why it's a Brooklyn tradition that's no longer observed.       

[kareng57]

My guess is that they reluctantly invited Jim because they were afraid of a scene at the front door - if he found out about the party (probably not difficult) and showed up anyway.

But at this stage, enough is enough.  They might want to enlist some good-sized guests to "encourage" him to leave if he does show up.

[DottyG]

Ok, this is going to sound strange, but I feel like I've read a similar story here at EHell.  Didn't we have someone here who had the same problem - someone who kept inviting other people and bugging the hosts when they didn't get an invitation themselves?

Either I'm having a weird case of deja vu or I think we might have a thread like that!  If so, does anyone know who it was and what was discussed in that thread?  It would be so weird (in kinda a cool, "hey we know this person" way) if it were the same person!

ETA:  Maybe it was Venus' "Eunice" from above.  I do kinda remember that story - maybe I'm mixing the two.
 
 
 

[Venus193]

Could be; Double Dipper and Eunice know a lot of the same people.  She may have heard about the St Patrick's Day party from someone who had been there at Christmas.

[Mikayla]

Why? Why pause/ruin the party for everyone? Why not just talk to the guy?

I've read through to the end and this is where I park my POD.  The LW stated that Jim "has a habit of inviting...", so it's reasonable to conclude he's done this more than once.  I have sympathy for them the first time it happened, since your choice is cause a scene or invite them in.

But the very next day, I would have told Jim in no uncertain terms that he was a guest at *my* event, and he will not be asked back again unless he will promise to come by himself.

I don't understand why the LW didn't set these boundaries sooner.

[bopper]

Don't invite him, and if he calls then they say: "Jim, we have not invited you for a reason. You seem to think we have "forgotten" to invite some people, when in fact we had no intention of inviting them. If you want to dictate who is at a party, you need to host it.  This is our party and I am sorry it has come to this but you are not invited as we can't trust you to not bring 10 extra people."

[Twik]

I think the question and the answer reflect the misapprehension that you can manipulate people into doing what you want, without coming out and saying what it is directly, because doing so is "mean". So, the hosts frantically try to figure out how to cut Jim's inviting off, without ever once telling him, "Jim, this is not fair to us, or our guests, and we want you to stop doing it. Do not invite any strangers to our party, because we will not let them in."

Meanwhile, Jim continues on his clueless way, probably congratulating himself for making the party so much better for everyone.

[Corvid]

I think it's obvious that Jim sees this as a neighborhood party instead of the letter writer's party.  That's probably why he, as one of the neighbors, thinks he's got enough ownership of the party to ensure everyone he considers ought to be invited is notified.  I know it makes no sense, as the letter writer is the one throwing the party and paying for everything, but I've seen this sort of oblivious dunderheaded kind of thing before.  By going along with Jim's antics in the past, the letter writer and her husband have allowed Jim to continue to think this way and so he obliviously keeps doing as he thinks fit.  They need to put their foot down with Jim pronto and if they still want to have the party this year, they've got a choice to make.  They either allow the extra guests to come one more year or they contact everyone Jim has notified and let them know that there's been a misunderstanding with Jim and only those people they themselves have invited are expected at their party.  Otherwise, they can cancel the party this year and let Jim know why, then pick up the party again next year.

Only the letter writer and her husband can know what strategy suits them best.  They're going to have to get more firm with Jim no matter what they do, though.

[ScubaGirl]

My DH's sister is hosting the family Christmas party this year.  It will be on 12/31 and it includes a sit down meal, gift opening, etc. - typical family activities.  That evening we then go bowling for New Year's Eve (it is a flat rate and a lot of fun) - we've done this for a few years now.  Well, one nephew has informed DH's sister that he will be at the family Christmas party with his current girlfriend, the girlfriend's 15 year old daughter and a friend of the daughter's (for what it is worth, nephew is 23 and his girlfriend is 43).  If it was just the bowling party that would be cool - the more the merrier.  But a sit down, family Christmas?  The 15 year old shouldn't have to bring a friend (and as we have never even met the daughter it will be a little awkward to start with without throwing in the friend).

I do not know what DH's sister is going to do.  Probably just go along with it. 

[Twik]

Was nephew telling his mother, or his aunt? It's a hair's less egregious if he's trying to add his girlfriend to a party held in his own home, or dictating to someone in another home how to host.

Unfortunately, I think this gets caught up in the "social unit" rule. If their relationship is "official", many people feel that they should be invited as a couple just as automatically as married/cohabiting couples. And it's unlikely that the GF would leave her teenaged daughter behind for a holiday party of some hours. I suspect the nephew does see the GF and daughter as "his family", and wants them treated as such.

The friend for the daughter is ridiculous, of course, but I suspect Daughter is at an age where the humiliation of being seen with her mother can only be assuaged by the companionship of a friend to soften the blow.

[Venus193]

In the original story, the LW sent out invitations to a specific list of people.  That should preclude any other invitations.  However, since they were sent out via e-mail there is nothing to prevent any recipient from pulling this stunt except their own manners.

Maybe they need to switch to paper invitations after informing Jim that he is no longer welcome.

[ScubaGirl]

Was nephew telling his mother, or his aunt? It's a hair's less egregious if he's trying to add his girlfriend to a party held in his own home, or dictating to someone in another home how to host.

Unfortunately, I think this gets caught up in the "social unit" rule. If their relationship is "official", many people feel that they should be invited as a couple just as automatically as married/cohabiting couples. And it's unlikely that the GF would leave her teenaged daughter behind for a holiday party of some hours. I suspect the nephew does see the GF and daughter as "his family", and wants them treated as such.

The friend for the daughter is ridiculous, of course, but I suspect Daughter is at an age where the humiliation of being seen with her mother can only be assuaged by the companionship of a friend to soften the blow.

The nephew was telling his aunt.  I could bore you for quite a while with some of nephew's antics.  Picture a very self involved 23 year old. 

The objection isn't to the girlfriend and the girlfriend's daughter being present, it is the daughter's friend.  I do not know the relationship between the daughter and her mother.  I do know that the mother lost all custody of her 2 daughters (the older one is 21) to her ex husband and the 15 year old lives with him.  I don't know how the daughter and the daughter's friend will feel sitting around watching a bunch of total strangers opening gifts.

[wolfie]

Was nephew telling his mother, or his aunt? It's a hair's less egregious if he's trying to add his girlfriend to a party held in his own home, or dictating to someone in another home how to host.

Unfortunately, I think this gets caught up in the "social unit" rule. If their relationship is "official", many people feel that they should be invited as a couple just as automatically as married/cohabiting couples. And it's unlikely that the GF would leave her teenaged daughter behind for a holiday party of some hours. I suspect the nephew does see the GF and daughter as "his family", and wants them treated as such.

The friend for the daughter is ridiculous, of course, but I suspect Daughter is at an age where the humiliation of being seen with her mother can only be assuaged by the companionship of a friend to soften the blow.

The nephew was telling his aunt.  I could bore you for quite a while with some of nephew's antics.  Picture a very self involved 23 year old. 

The objection isn't to the girlfriend and the girlfriend's daughter being present, it is the daughter's friend.  I do not know the relationship between the daughter and her mother.  I do know that the mother lost all custody of her 2 daughters (the older one is 21) to her ex husband and the 15 year old lives with him.  I don't know how the daughter and the daughter's friend will feel sitting around watching a bunch of total strangers opening gifts.

I would assume that is why the daughter's friend is there - so that she has someone to talk to besides a bunch of strangers.