Dear Abby: Party Letter 12/3/12 Nightmare Guest

[ScubaGirl]

Was nephew telling his mother, or his aunt? It's a hair's less egregious if he's trying to add his girlfriend to a party held in his own home, or dictating to someone in another home how to host.

Unfortunately, I think this gets caught up in the "social unit" rule. If their relationship is "official", many people feel that they should be invited as a couple just as automatically as married/cohabiting couples. And it's unlikely that the GF would leave her teenaged daughter behind for a holiday party of some hours. I suspect the nephew does see the GF and daughter as "his family", and wants them treated as such.

The friend for the daughter is ridiculous, of course, but I suspect Daughter is at an age where the humiliation of being seen with her mother can only be assuaged by the companionship of a friend to soften the blow.

The nephew was telling his aunt.  I could bore you for quite a while with some of nephew's antics.  Picture a very self involved 23 year old. 

The objection isn't to the girlfriend and the girlfriend's daughter being present, it is the daughter's friend.  I do not know the relationship between the daughter and her mother.  I do know that the mother lost all custody of her 2 daughters (the older one is 21) to her ex husband and the 15 year old lives with him.  I don't know how the daughter and the daughter's friend will feel sitting around watching a bunch of total strangers opening gifts.

I would assume that is why the daughter's friend is there - so that she has someone to talk to besides a bunch of strangers.

Well, we are a friendly lot and will gladly talk to the 15 year old.  And hopefully she has the social skills to talk back.  It will feel awkward (I'm assuming) having them sit around and watch other people get presents at a family party.

Edited to add:  Again, the objection is to the guest inviting a guest.  We understand girlfriend and girlfriend's daughter are now a social unit with nephew.  However, daughter's friend is not.

[MommyPenguin]

The obvious solution is to cancel the party, and tell Jim that it was canceled.  Then, if you want, create a new party, invite the people you wanted to come to begin with, don't tell Jim, and *have a spine* if he tries to find out information about it.  And, honestly, nobody ever seems to just tell the perpetrator, "No, you aren't invited, because you keep inviting other people to a party that is not your own."  If they'd told him that and he still did it, *then* these more elaborate ideas could come into play.  But first, they need to open their mouths and tell him no.

[Twik]

Edited to add:  Again, the objection is to the guest inviting a guest.  We understand girlfriend and girlfriend's daughter are now a social unit with nephew.  However, daughter's friend is not.

You're quite right, but I suspect there was a certain amount of footstamping, doorslamming and wails of life being ruined by parental tyranny, finally brought to an uneasy truce with "All right, you have to come with us, but you can bring Annie with you so you don't have to sit and make conversation with strangers."

[Ida]

WRT the original Dear Abby situation: "Jim, did we forget to tell you? Everybody! The party's at Jim's house this year!"

[Thipu1]

Ida,

That is evil, evil, evil but I love the idea. 

It brings a whole new meaning to 'Surprise Party' 

[snowdragon]

Edited to add:  Again, the objection is to the guest inviting a guest.  We understand girlfriend and girlfriend's daughter are now a social unit with nephew.  However, daughter's friend is not.

You're quite right, but I suspect there was a certain amount of footstamping, doorslamming and wails of life being ruined by parental tyranny, finally brought to an uneasy truce with "All right, you have to come with us, but you can bring Annie with you so you don't have to sit and make conversation with strangers."

Regardless of why...giving into this stuff is why adults like Jim exist. Scubagirl's family is being gracious enough to have the nephew's GF and her kid ---it's not up to them to make this truce for their hosts.  The GF and the kid are wrong here, and the Nephew even more so.

ETA: if you are going to have these folks over for a gift giving party,,,not having gifts for them is rude, IMHO.  If I knew about them coming I'd have small gifts for each.

[ScubaGirl]

Snowdragon, I've been thinking about the same thing regarding a small gift.  But, it isn't my party and I think it really is up to nephew to make sure there are small gifts for his girlfriend, girlfriend's daughter, and girlfriend's daughter's friend (he is well aware that this is the family Christmas party and gifts will be exchanged).  Further, knowing nephew, they could all just not show up and not call either.  He would leave it to his dad or sister to tell us when they arrive (after the food has been cooked and the tables laid out).  This behavior of nephews has been getting worse each year and I think we are starting to get near the famous straw that breaks the camel's back.

[Twik]

Scubagirl, were the GF and her daughter planned to be invited or not? If they weren't, there the you can say nephew demanded three extra invitations. On the other hand, you say:

We understand girlfriend and girlfriend's daughter are now a social unit with nephew.  However, daughter's friend is not.

In that case, it sounds like Aunt was going to invite them anyway, and the faux pas strictly applies to the demanded invitation for the friend. Demanding an invitation for one stranger is not as egregious as demanding invitations for three. It looks like, at least for the foreseeable future, GF and daughter will be considered "family" by your nephew, and have a certain expectation of being at family functions. Relative ages don't affect this.

Leaving the friend out of it, asking (not demanding, of course) for invitations for one's partner and partner's child isn't horrible, even if nephew then got all snowflakey over providing child with a friend.

[onyonryngs]

1) Would it be rude to tell the other guests not to tip off Jim?

Yes.  You don't involve your guests in this type of drama. 

2) Would it be rude to turn Jim's uninvited guests away at the door?

No.

3) How would you handle this situation?

I would talk to Jim before the party and tell him in no uncertain terms the reason that you won't be inviting him.  I don't think there's any other way to prevent him from showing up or inadvertently making the other neighbors involved in the problem.

[ScubaGirl]

Scubagirl, were the GF and her daughter planned to be invited or not? If they weren't, there the you can say nephew demanded three extra invitations. On the other hand, you say:

We understand girlfriend and girlfriend's daughter are now a social unit with nephew.  However, daughter's friend is not.

In that case, it sounds like Aunt was going to invite them anyway, and the faux pas strictly applies to the demanded invitation for the friend. Demanding an invitation for one stranger is not as egregious as demanding invitations for three. It looks like, at least for the foreseeable future, GF and daughter will be considered "family" by your nephew, and have a certain expectation of being at family functions. Relative ages don't affect this.

Leaving the friend out of it, asking (not demanding, of course) for invitations for one's partner and partner's child isn't horrible, even if nephew then got all snowflakey over providing child with a friend.

Sometime in Sept/Oct the family decides what is happening for Thanksgiving and what is happening for Christmas - I.e. who will host and when.  So, there are no formal invitations.  If nephew had asked/demanded an invitation from DH's sister (Aunt) then she could have told him that the friend is too much - their house is not large and, in fact, they are going to have to rent a porta-potty to sit in the garage because their septic system can't handle so many people.  This isn't as gross as it may sound, it is a very compact and clean system that doesn't smell, they've done it before with success.  Nephew is fully aware of all of this.  What nephew did was have his dad tell his sister (the one hosting the party) that he will be bringing the gf, gf daughter, gf daughter friend.  My DH and sister can't believe their brother would go along with this but that is a whole other story. 

I've just emailed my SIL (whom I greatly adore) to see if there has been any development on this. 

[nutraxfornerves]

I have posted this before. It's Christmas dinner hosted by some friends. A cousin of the hostess invites herself and her husband. Cousin then invites 6 other people without the knowledge or consent of the hosts.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=46081.msg1090118#msg1090118