Being grilled at the table.

[SamiHami]

How about a shocked/dismayed look and "Why would you need to know such extremely personal information about us?"

[GratefulMaria]

It makes me wonder what your mother has told her in "confidence" and she thinks it's alright to ask you directly.  I would also have been highly uncomfortable and done what you have done.  I then would have sharp words with your mother and ask her why she felt it was alright to share that private information and if she has told neighbor anything.

I don't want to accuse Mom because I've never had reason to believe that she shares really personal information with anyone.  I think what she did share, while irksome, was shared in an attempt to get Brenda to leave me alone.  She spoke quickly without thinking--I've done the same thing myself so I'm willing to cut her a little slack.

It's no secret DH travels alot and there is plenty of gossip and rumor in our small town anyway about our marriage.  DH's family has made it clear over the years that they think we will divorce (first it was in a year, then less than five, apparently now it's when DD is grown and out of the house) and that I supposedly married DH for his money.  Rumors have made it back to my parents, in particular my Mom who is not very socially active (unlike my Dad who is).

If she's heard anything (highly likely), it's probably more from DH's family, than Mom.

Well, that adds a whole layer of not-nice.  I am so sorry.

DH and I tend to field intrusive questions like that with a cheerful, "Oh, we consider that private."  I've also said nothing, just let the silence build . . . under these circumstances, it is certainly not my problem to keep the conversation going.

[O'Dell]

I'm pretty cool with respecting my elders, but if they're being disrespectful to me, not so much.

Let people think me rude, I would have clammed up and my dinner would have been the most interesting thing in the world at that point.

I would have done something similar. Anyone or anything else at the table would have become fascinating, but Brenda would have gotten the cold shoulder.

[Deetee]

When someone is that outrageous, it can get easier (though maybe not at the first dinner-It's hard because you assume the other people are not jerks).

From now on, you are forewarned and can go with whatever approach serves you best.

1) Bean dip, nothing but bean dip.

Ms Nosy "So is your husband tempted to cheat when he travels so much?"
You *stare at her calmly and bemused, count to 5 in your head, turn away* "Mom, how is your garden this year?"


2) Attack

Ms Nosy "So is your husband tempted to cheat when he travels so much?"
You "What an odd question. Do you often cheat on your husband?"
(warning: some people just answer these questions"

[snowdragon]

I would have told her that none of these things are her business and if she didn't back off I would have told her that She has no business prying in these areas of anyone's life, and I would not care about the fall out. 
   I don't answer invasive questions about such things no matter what the person's age and I don't believe that respecting your elders gives them license to pry into private areas of someone's life.
   I'd also recommend talking to your mom about how her friend treated you and that you should have been able to expect her to shut her friend down in your defense.

[Zilla]

It makes me wonder what your mother has told her in "confidence" and she thinks it's alright to ask you directly.  I would also have been highly uncomfortable and done what you have done.  I then would have sharp words with your mother and ask her why she felt it was alright to share that private information and if she has told neighbor anything.

I don't want to accuse Mom because I've never had reason to believe that she shares really personal information with anyone.  I think what she did share, while irksome, was shared in an attempt to get Brenda to leave me alone.  She spoke quickly without thinking--I've done the same thing myself so I'm willing to cut her a little slack.

It's no secret DH travels alot and there is plenty of gossip and rumor in our small town anyway about our marriage.  DH's family has made it clear over the years that they think we will divorce (first it was in a year, then less than five, apparently now it's when DD is grown and out of the house) and that I supposedly married DH for his money.  Rumors have made it back to my parents, in particular my Mom who is not very socially active (unlike my Dad who is).

If she's heard anything (highly likely), it's probably more from DH's family, than Mom.

Now knowing the backstory, I would have been a bit stiffer with her and looked at her incredously or remarked a bit much.
Such as to the more children, "We have a grown daughter out of our home and quite enjoying the peace. Why on earth would I disturb that?"  As for the money, "Excuse me, we don't discuss financial issues.  That is deeply personal." Cheating,  This would have just earned a point blank stare, "Again, very personal." and turn to husband or mom and talk of something else.  She sounds like an incredibly uncouth person to be around.  I would also decline future invites if she is included and telling your mom why if she asks.

[bopper]

To quote Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) :


"That's a clown question, bro."


I believe he was quoting 19-year-old baseball phenom Bryce Harper, who said:

"I'm not going to answer that. That's a clown question, bro.

Either works in all awkward situations.

[DaDancingPsych]

Actually, when I read the OP, I thought that the DH had appropriate ways of handling the situation.

"That's not really something we discuss with other people."

DH reminded her that our DD was sitting at the table and that wasn't an appropriate topic of conversation in her presence.

It seems that he has knack for handling situations in an e-Hell approved manner. I would take his lead and even borrow his phrases (as well as the other great ones offered here.)

[GSNW]

WOW.  Others have all made outstanding suggestions.  I cannot believe the level of this woman's intrusive rudeness.  I would tell my mother that I will not be attending any dinner/event/etc in the future where this woman is present.  Not only are you not obligated to answer questions like that, you are not obligated to expose DD to this (I can't imagine what I would have thought of questions like this at a young age) regardless of how many bean-dipping and outright shut-down phrases you have at the ready.  It's my experience that people (no matter their age) that feel entitled to ask questions like this will rarely get the net and change their ways.

[VorFemme]

If you were Catholic, you could make a joke about discussing the answers to those questions with her after she was ordained and bound by the confessional.......but I get the impression that any "joke" would sail right over her head.  Grandpa was a preacher and asked those same questions of his children and grandchildren.....more often after his stroke than before (whatever busybody tendencies he had were greatly exaggerated after his health began to deteriorate).

If you are anywhere near the national capitol - I suppose you could try "that's classified" - but again, she probably wouldn't get that it was a joking reference to her getting way too nosy.....

[BarensMom]

I would also make it clear that Ms. Brenda is not to be in your daughter's presence when she is visiting her grandmother alone.  If this woman thinks those questions are appropriate for Thanksgiving dinner, what would she say to your daughter?

[GSNW]

I would also make it clear that Ms. Brenda is not to be in your daughter's presence when she is visiting her grandmother alone.  If this woman thinks those questions are appropriate for Thanksgiving dinner, what would she say to your daughter?

This this this.  Having personal questions asked is traumatic enough as an adult, moreso when a younger person doesn't necessarily have the coping skills to avoid/answer vaguely.  My dad had a friend that, when I was a teenager, would always ask me two questions:
1.  Are you dating anyone?
2.  If yes, is he a white boy?

I couldn't figure out why this mattered until my dad confessed to me that his pal was kind of (not kind of, I thought) racist.  My dad was pretty embarrassed about this and I didn't see much of this friend after I told my dad I thought his questions were asinine.

[JeanFromBNA]

DH spoke up and said "that's not really something we discuss with other people."

That's the policy policy, and it works very well for the topic at hand.  Obviously, it doesn't keep people from leaping to other NOYB questions, to which the answer is the same. 

If the grilling continues, I think it's fine to say, "Can we change the subject?  I don't feel that all of these personal questions are appropriate."

I think that "I beg your pardon!" is an appropriate response to such questioning.  Age has nothing to do with it.  She should know better.

[kckgirl]

Someone here once posted a stock answer to inappropriate or personal questions "It is the policy of the United States Navy to neither confirm nor deny the existence of nuclear weapons aboard its vessels."

The sentence had nothing to do with what was asked, but was a great distractor.

[FauxFoodist]

"What makes you think this is an appropriate topic for conversation?"

I personally take delight in watching someone squirm in uncomfortable silence while trying to come up with an answer to that question. 

I would go with this.

I was grilled at a party earlier this year by DF's best friend's mother (BF and his wife were hosting the party).  I was so irritated by it that I looked over at DF, and he immediately asked me if I wanted to leave, which we did.  Fortunately, I didn't get the level of personal questions the OP did, but I was really put off by the interrogation, nonetheless (the woman also had the gall to tell DF she'd like to attend our wedding; I might've had a less then e-Hell appropriate response to that...but not AT DF, TO him, so it was okay).  I had just met her at that party and, afterwards, I did comment to DF that it's no wonder BF's wife can't stand her MIL.