New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy

[Devix]

There is a situation that has come up and the way that I want to deal with it certainly isn’t e-hell approved so I’m putting this out here to hopefully get some much more appropriate advice.

About a month ago, we had a new neighbor (Peeping Tammy) move in to the apartment next to us.  I’ve had an insane schedule this past month so my husband was actually the first to meet her and I didn’t have a run in with her until two weeks ago and our first meeting left a bad taste in my mouth.  Tammy is an older woman and from what DH said he’d helped her with some groceries a couple of times and has held the elevator for her so they’ve made some idle chit chat.  I didn’t really think anything of it since we have a few older people in our building and DH goes out of his way to help most of them and they’re all really wonderful. 

Well one Friday night, DH was taking a shower and there was a knock on our door.  I got up and opened it to find a strange woman wearing something very inappropriate and holding a plate of cookies.  The woman was as shocked to see me as I was her because as soon as she saw me the smile slipped from her face and she started interrogating me.

Strange Lady:  Who are you?
Me:  You knocked on my door.  Who are you?
Lady:  I’m Tammy, the new neighbor in [apartment #].  Are you [DH] sister?
Me:  No…I’m his wife.  It’s nice to meet you Tammy.
Lady:  Oh, I didn’t know he had a wife.  (A natural assumption considering we hardly ever wear our wedding rings).   My, aren’t you a tiny young thing?
Me:  Um…  Can I help you with something?
Lady:  Oh, I just brought these cookies to thank [DH] for helping me with my groceries.

Now this little meeting left me scratching my head but it wouldn’t have bothered me if it wasn’t for the fact that she keeps trying to ‘bump’ into DH.  She’s knocked on our door and asked DH if he could help her install her entertainment system and he said that I would probably be happy to help since I’ve set up all of our systems and he’s useless with electronics.  She said never mind and went back home but she’s always popping up with some request specifically for him.

Fine, she has a crush on him that’s no big deal.  Plenty of women have had a crush on DH and it doesn’t really bother me.  What does bother me is when she starts pestering him while he’s working out.

DH is an exercise fiend and he has his gym set up on our balcony.  DH likes working out in the morning or even very late at night after a long day and he is very into weight lifting.  What really irked me is when DH was lifting some pretty heavy weights, Tammy went out in her balcony in a robe and started “Yoo Hoo”-ing at him trying to get his attention while he was trying to focus.  These are heavy weights and you don’t distract someone while they’re lifting because it could lead to them really hurting themselves.  Every time DH goes out to exercise Tammy will be out there trying to strike up a conversation or even cat calling and wolf whistling at him.  No small feat considering out balconies are about 30 feet away.

 I wasn’t sure why this bothered me so much but I realized that if the genders were switched and it was an older man basically harassing a young woman while she was trying to exercise I would be absolutely furious.  DH really doesn’t like the interruptions and he’s trying to ignore her but she isn’t taking the hint.  Is there an e-hell approved way to tell her to back off and that her actions aren’t okay?

[NyaChan]

  What was she wearing when you answered the door?  My mind is speculating wildly lol

I think that this might be something that your husband could handle through his own behavior.  I'm not big on the mark your territory approach, but if you guys are cool with it... if he clings to you a bit more when she is around or makes sure that any discussion she has to try to get him alone ends up involving you, it might help curb her behavior.  Otherwise, a quick conversation would probably help -  "Tammy, I'm working out right now and can't talk." and then repeat.  When she comes asking him for help, "I am not going to be able to help you.  Good luck." and then end the conversation. 

ETA:  If she wasn't your neighbor who has likely just started a new lease, I would advocate for your husband telling her that she is making him uncomfortable and wants her to back off.

[jedikaiti]

Sexual harassment is sexual harassment no matter what gender the harasser & harassee are.

DH needs to talk to her bluntly, directly, but politely, and tell her that this is NOT OK. He should tell her that he is NOT interested in her, and that he expects to be able to exercise in peace when he is out on your balcony and that he does not appreciate her harassment of him during his workout. If she continues to ask for favors, he can just say NO.

[Wittyone]

I came to say the same thing Jedikaiti said.  He needs to cut her off, bluntly if needed.

Can you put up some kind of screen on your balcony that would block her view?

[O'Dell]

  What was she wearing when you answered the door?  My mind is speculating wildly lol

I think that this might be something that your husband could handle through his own behavior.  I'm not big on the mark your territory approach, but if you guys are cool with it... if he clings to you a bit more when she is around or makes sure that any discussion she has to try to get him alone ends up involving you, it might help curb her behavior.  Otherwise, a quick conversation would probably help -  "Tammy, I'm working out right now and can't talk." and then repeat.  When she comes asking him for help, "I am not going to be able to help you.  Good luck." and then end the conversation. 

ETA:  If she wasn't your neighbor who has likely just started a new lease, I would advocate for your husband telling her that she is making him uncomfortable and wants her to back off.

I agree with this approach. If it doesn't work, then your husband can then ramp it up to the level that jedikaiti and Wittyone are advocating.

[amylouky]

I came to say the same thing Jedikaiti said.  He needs to cut her off, bluntly if needed.

Can you put up some kind of screen on your balcony that would block her view?

That's a great idea, and would definitely send the message that her attention/admiration is not appreciated.

[WillyNilly]

I think your DH should say something directly to her.  But I also think he should let the building management know about her calling out to him while he's on the balcony.  Presumably there is some sort of line in your contracts about noise, and about allowing others the right to enjoy their space, etc.  I can't imagine the other neighbors like having to hear her call out across the balconies either.

[artk2002]

Your DH *must* put Tammy in her place, ASAP. Bluntly. "Tammy, your attention to me is inappropriate. Stop. Don't *ever* call out to me when I'm working out and if you aren't willing to accept help from my wife and only from me, then don't ask for help."

[weeblewobble]

Your DH *must* put Tammy in her place, ASAP. Bluntly. "Tammy, your attention to me is inappropriate. Stop. Don't *ever* call out to me when I'm working out and if you aren't willing to accept help from my wife and only from me, then don't ask for help."

This.  We've told women in this situation that they have to speak up for themselves to curb the behavior, and it's the same for men.  Otherwise Tammy won't believe that the reluctance comes from your DH, but from you or at least a desire to keep you off of his back.  You wouldn't believe what people who don't hear "no" will tell themselves to rationalize their behavior.

[CaptainObvious]

If your Husband isn't willing to say something to her, then what does he expect to happen?

[LeveeWoman]

If your Husband isn't willing to say something to her, then what does he expect to happen?

Maybe I missed it but I don't see where Dervix's husband is unwilling to say anything.

[MrsJWine]

That must be a huge balcony for an apartment. Can he move the weights inside? I'm sure she won't stop trying to flirt with him just because of that, but in the meantime, it will give him some peace.

[LeveeWoman]

That must be a huge balcony for an apartment. Can he move the weights inside? I'm sure she won't stop trying to flirt with him just because of that, but in the meantime, it will give him some peace.

Why should he have to do that? He has a right to live his life as he chooses. To me, telling him to change his life would be the same as telling a woman who doesn't like to be whistled at when she walks down the street to not walk down the street.

[MrsJWine]

That must be a huge balcony for an apartment. Can he move the weights inside? I'm sure she won't stop trying to flirt with him just because of that, but in the meantime, it will give him some peace.

Why should he have to do that? He has a right to live his life as he chooses.

Did you read my whole post? I didn't mean it as a permanent solution. But until he gets her off his back, I'm sure he would like to have workout routines that aren't continually interrupted by her come-ons.

[LeveeWoman]

That must be a huge balcony for an apartment. Can he move the weights inside? I'm sure she won't stop trying to flirt with him just because of that, but in the meantime, it will give him some peace.

Yes, I read your whole post. I even quoted the whole post.

Why should he have to do that? He has a right to live his life as he chooses.

Did you read my whole post? I didn't mean it as a permanent solution. But until he gets her off his back, I'm sure he would like to have workout routines that aren't continually interrupted by her come-ons.