Author Topic: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy  (Read 22813 times)

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Girly

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #60 on: December 04, 2012, 01:14:14 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

NyaChan

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #61 on: December 04, 2012, 01:23:17 PM »
I asked about the outfit just in case it was borderline & her behavior was just getting misunderstood.  I also asked because I am really nosy. 

jmarvellous

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #62 on: December 04, 2012, 01:25:18 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

I'm confused. Why is being disrespectful and sexually harassing someone OK? Her behavior is completely out of line (though simple flirting with a man you believe to be single is no biggie, catcalling and staring at him is never OK).

In order of escalation, as needed: Screen, directly telling her to stop and then management, in that order.

Girly

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #63 on: December 04, 2012, 01:28:04 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

I'm confused. Why is being disrespectful and sexually harassing someone OK? Her behavior is completely out of line (though simple flirting with a man you believe to be single is no biggie, catcalling and staring at him is never OK).

In order of escalation, as needed: Screen, directly telling her to stop and then management, in that order.

Because to this point, the husband hasn't said anything to her about it, as in.... asking her to stop. (Unless I missed a post?) So as far as this lady knows, he either doesn't care, or enjoys it.

LeveeWoman

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #64 on: December 04, 2012, 01:31:48 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

It's acceptable to come on to a married man? It's okay to try to break up a marriage?

Girly

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #65 on: December 04, 2012, 01:34:20 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

It's acceptable to come on to a married man? It's okay to try to break up a marriage?

Well, some people are in to that sort of thing.... there's a whole website devoted to married people looking for someone else.

Like I said earlier, how is she supposed to know he doesn't want her to come on to him, unless he asks her not to? Sure, most people don't come on to someone they know is married, but not everyone... and it doesn't make them rude. Catcalling, I agree with... but the general flirting, etc. is not rude in my book.

TurtleDove

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #66 on: December 04, 2012, 01:39:00 PM »
Because to this point, the husband hasn't said anything to her about it, as in.... asking her to stop. (Unless I missed a post?) So as far as this lady knows, he either doesn't care, or enjoys it.

You have a point here - that the DH should say something - but that does not make her behavior anywhere near approaching appropriate.  In my view, it is not okay to pursue someone you know is in a relationship. I grasp some people have various styles of relationships, but unless and until someone who is in that relationship invites you to join, pursuing something with someone in a relationship is always rude as I see it.

Mental Magpie

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #67 on: December 04, 2012, 01:42:43 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

It's acceptable to come on to a married man? It's okay to try to break up a marriage?

Well, some people are in to that sort of thing.... there's a whole website devoted to married people looking for someone else.

Like I said earlier, how is she supposed to know he doesn't want her to come on to him, unless he asks her not to? Sure, most people don't come on to someone they know is married, but not everyone... and it doesn't make them rude. Catcalling, I agree with... but the general flirting, etc. is not rude in my book.

Although I'm not entirely sure I agree with it or disagree with it, I kind of see Girly's point.  Mental Boyfriend, after about five or six months of me doing it, finally said to me one day, "It actually kind of grosses me out when you do that."  I blinked, looked at him, and said, "Well if I would have known, I would have stopped doing it five or six months ago.  How was I supposed to know it wasn't OK if you didn't tell me?"  (Then I asked him why he endured it for that long and asked which was worse, telling me he didn't like it or putting up with it for so long?  He answered putting up with it for so long... ::))

The general flirting is OK, the kicking it up a notch with catcalling and inappropriate* clothing is not.

As for the screen thing being passive aggressive or not, I'd say it is definitely passive, but I don't see it as aggressive at all.  It's non-verbal communication plain and simple.


*Inappropriate meaning inappropriate for that time and place.
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jedikaiti

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #68 on: December 04, 2012, 01:48:31 PM »
Because to this point, the husband hasn't said anything to her about it, as in.... asking her to stop. (Unless I missed a post?) So as far as this lady knows, he either doesn't care, or enjoys it.

You have a point here - that the DH should say something - but that does not make her behavior anywhere near approaching appropriate.  In my view, it is not okay to pursue someone you know is in a relationship. I grasp some people have various styles of relationships, but unless and until someone who is in that relationship invites you to join, pursuing something with someone in a relationship is always rude as I see it.

Exactly. It is rude and disrespectful to both the person being approached AND their SO. If you don't know they're already spoken for, that's one thing, but once you DO know, you back off. Now if your intended target actively encourages you, that's one thing, and then you're both being rude and disrespectful to the SO. But that's another can of worms for another thread.

The catcalling and whistling is sexual harassment and nobody should be on the receiving end of that. One can hope that Tammy is just clueless enough to think she's being harmless or flattering, but he needs to tell her to stop (she seems likely to register pretty low on the clue meter, so I think polite but blunt is likely the way to go), and if she doesn't, she should be handled in the same manner as one would recommend a female handle a male creeper - cut direct, document, and a chat with building management (&/or Tammy's landlord, since (IIRC) the OP & hubby own their unit, but Tammy rents hers).

Hopefully a polite, direct request to stop will be the clue-by-four Tammy needs to snap out of it, but OP & hubby should have a few next moves in mind just in case it isn't.
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AngelBarchild

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #69 on: December 04, 2012, 01:54:24 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

It's acceptable to come on to a married man? It's okay to try to break up a marriage?

Well, some people are in to that sort of thing.... there's a whole website devoted to married people looking for someone else.

Like I said earlier, how is she supposed to know he doesn't want her to come on to him, unless he asks her not to? Sure, most people don't come on to someone they know is married, but not everyone... and it doesn't make them rude. Catcalling, I agree with... but the general flirting, etc. is not rude in my book.

I'm agree with Girly.  Married /= monogamous now days. I don't see how anyone expects this woman to stop flirting without telling her he's not interested. People need to use words, not expect others to be mind readers.

TurtleDove

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #70 on: December 04, 2012, 02:01:01 PM »
I'm agree with Girly.  Married /= monogamous now days. I don't see how anyone expects this woman to stop flirting without telling her he's not interested. People need to use words, not expect others to be mind readers.

I do.  For everyone's sake.  I wouldn't want any of my friends to lower themselves to pursuing a married man, so as this woman's friend I would expect her to stop flirting.  As the OP I would expect her to stop flirting.  As a member of society I would expect her to stop flirting with a married man.  If he flirts back, well, then he's got bigger problems and as another poster said that's a whole other thread.  But really I don't think it's bizarre to expect any individual to not pursue someone who is known to them to be married. 

cicero

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #71 on: December 04, 2012, 02:04:15 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

If she didn't know he was married when she came to the door.... why is it wrong for her to come on to him?

Actually, I don't even think it's wrong for her to come on to him even now that she knows he's married, to be honest.

It's acceptable to come on to a married man? It's okay to try to break up a marriage?

Well, some people are in to that sort of thing.... there's a whole website devoted to married people looking for someone else.

Like I said earlier, how is she supposed to know he doesn't want her to come on to him, unless he asks her not to? Sure, most people don't come on to someone they know is married, but not everyone... and it doesn't make them rude. Catcalling, I agree with... but the general flirting, etc. is not rude in my book.

I'm agree with Girly.  Married /= monogamous now days. I don't see how anyone expects this woman to stop flirting without telling her he's not interested. People need to use words, not expect others to be mind readers.
i think she has gone beyond harmless flirting when she uses cat calling, wolf whistling and balcony stalking-in-a-robe.

and jsut because there is a web site devoted to a past-time, doesn't make that past time ok. i also don't think that married / = monogamous. there are things that are wrong - and just because people do them (like stealing, or cheating, or shop lifting) doesn't mean they are ok.

I definitely agree that she should be told to stop but her behavior is still creepy.

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Girly

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #72 on: December 04, 2012, 02:13:19 PM »
Married and single people flirt all the time. The receptionist at one of my clients offices flirts shamelessly with the UPS man, and he flirts shamelessly right back. Both are married. However, if one of them didn't want to continue, or think it was appropriate in the beginning, it's up to them to say something to the other to stop it. If it continues after that, then it's a problem.

I did agree the catcalling was inappropriate, but again.... if the husband hasn't said a word to discourage Tammy.... how is she to know he doesn't enjoy it? Just because you (or I) agree with what she is doing (flirting with a known married man), doesn't make it rude. He has to first ask her to stop her behavior. Once she continues.... well then she's most certainly rude, and additional steps need to be taken.

Yvaine

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #73 on: December 04, 2012, 02:14:51 PM »
ewww, how creepy.

I think her age is not relevant (only the fact that she is considerably older than your dh). i think that the outfit she wore is not relevant (whether it is or isn't appropriate for women over X years to dress like that). references to her "hormonal irrationality" suggested by Calypso are also irrelevant.

the fact is she is making the moves on a married man, she is being extremely disrespectful of a married couple, and - seriously? cat calling and wolf whistling? sorry, btu that is very very very wrong.

I agree with PPs who say that you (dh) needs to tell her to stop, now. and then you need to take this up the chain. document document because you never know when/how crazy she will get.

Other than the age issue, her attire IS relevant because it showed she was trying to come on to him.

Or she may just have bad taste in clothes.  ;) Seriously, the sum total of her behavior is inappropriate, and her outfit sends a message in the context of all that (especially if that's not the way she dresses every other day), but I don't want us to end up on a slippery slope where we assume every woman dressed "sexy" is doing it to hit on a specific guy.

TurtleDove

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Re: New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy
« Reply #74 on: December 04, 2012, 02:23:40 PM »
Married and single people flirt all the time.

I agree with this - I am a major flirt, as is my SO.  But I would never do what this woman is doing, which is not "flirting" in my book.  I used that term because we as a board had been using it to describe her behavior, but what she is doing is not flirting in my view.  Flirting is innocent and fun.  Coming on to someone, catcalling them, making it clear you want something outside the public realm, is not flirting.