New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy

[weeblewobble]

I actually wouldn't advise using "I'm married," as a method of turning her down. If only because that leaves her room to think "Oh, he totally wants me. Now if the inconvenient wife were, say, out of town..."

I think it would be better for the DH to tell her clearly that he is not interested; just that, with no caveats or reasons.

Yep, almost every personal safety book/expert will tell you not to put a person up as a "shield" between you and someone who has an inappropriate level of interest in you.  Because that basically puts a target on that shield's back, turning the creep's anger and hostility and energy toward getting rid of that person so the creep and his/her interest can be together.

While she has participated in some odd and inappropriate behavior, I'm not sure this lady is a 'creep', and they need to take personal safety into account here.....

With respect, I think that if a man was finding a steady stream of excuses to arrange solo encounters with a woman, showed up to her door half-dressed, and stood on his balcony cat-calling that woman while she attempted to work out, we would have no problem putting the "creep" label on him. 

This woman's behavior is predatory and inappropriate. It makes her target uncomfortable.  She doesn't care if that behavior affects other people, i.e., her target's wife.  That meets my three-point checklist for creeps.

[weeblewobble]

Regardless of the marriage/monogamy issue  I think we can all agree that the most logical first step is to have the husband tell the neighbor he's not interested in her and doesn't like the attention and to please not speak to him while he is lifting weights.

POD.

[WillyNilly]

While she has participated in some odd and inappropriate behavior, I'm not sure this lady is a 'creep', and they need to take personal safety into account here.....

Personal safety does not have to be at risk for someone to be a creepy.  She is certainly impeding the OP and the OP's DH from reasonable usage and enjoyment of their home.  And she's doing it in a creepy way - a way that makes them uncomfortable and possibly feeling icked out and getting and shivers up the spine when thinking of having to interact with her or be caught in the elevator with her, etc - that to me makes her a creep. 

[pierrotlunaire0]

The way I have understood flirting is its delicious ambiguity: Is there something going on?  Is it just innocent fun?  By my standard, this is not flirting.  Especially when flirting is supposed to be mutual.  Even if the husband has not explicitly told her to leave him alone, he also has not responded.

He should tell her once: "I am not interested, and when I am working out, I don't want to be disturbed."  Ideally, he should tell her this when he sees her, because this yelling on her part is already super tacky.

Then escalate: screen, and complaints to her landlord.

[bopper]

I think you should go out on the balcony and "spot" your husband.  Be around him alot at first when he is outside.  Also he should no longer help her do anything. Open the door? Sure. Help set up an entertainment system? No.

[Just Lori]

I say you ask her what she's doing:

NL:  Hi Fred!  Yoo hoo Fred, you sure look strong and sweaty out there.
DH:  Is everything OK?  Do you need someone to call 911?
NL:  911?  What are you talking about?
DH:  Well, you're making some strange noises up there.  At your age, you can't be too careful.  Maybe you should get one of those buttons that you hang around your neck to call for help.
NL: Oh no, I'm much too young for that.  I was just being friendly.
DH:  Good.  I was worried that you were either hurting or you were flirting with me, and I knew you're not going to be flirting with a happily married man, right?

As a person who's painfully close in age to neighbor lady, I don't typically suggest bringing up the age disparity.  But she's so far over the line that I'm afraid she needs to be shocked back into her senses.  If she had pulled back when she met the OP, then I'd advocate a polite amnesia about the whole episode.  But again, she's passed that.

[Sophia]

I think you both have been far too nice to woman.  Even if the OP's DH was single and the same age as the neighbor, this woman's behavior would be creepy.  He shouldn't have to tell her to leave him alone.  That he isn't responding to her advances should be enough to tell her to back off.  That is I think where many of us think she crossed over into creepy.  At this point, OP's DH saying "Do not talk to me, do not catcall me.  I'd really prefer it if you didn't even look at me.  Your behavior is creepy.  Leave me alone."  Then do a complete cut direct.  Don't hold the door for her.  Nothing. 

I personally wouldn't spot the husband.  I've found that the best offense against women too interested in my husband is to be completely unconcerned about them.  I treat them like his sister.  Not anyone I worry about him being around, but not anyone I personally really want to be around.  DH has said that it has had a noticeable effect. 

[VorFemme]

One thing that could get the message across - have the guy tell her that she reminds him of his aunt or mother.  Subtle, but most likely crushing to a "flirt" - unless your mother was Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor......

[Editeer]

One thing that could get the message across - have the guy tell her that she reminds him of his aunt or mother.  Subtle, but most likely crushing to a "flirt" - unless your mother was Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor......

Yes, this! And also put up a screen on the balcony.

[Surianne]

I wouldn't go with subtle -- it sounds like she's not being subtle herself, so just face it head-on.  I agree with ilrag:

the most logical first step is to have the husband tell the neighbor he's not interested in her and doesn't like the attention and to please not speak to him while he is lifting weights.

[Amara]

He should tell her once: "I am not interested, and when I am working out, I don't want to be disturbed."

This! He should make a point of saying exactly this when he sees her in or around the building. Ideally, it would be when he is not working out. And the OP should stay completely out of the conversation because the communication needs to come from her DH directly to the neighbor so that the neighbor understands that the OP isn't "running interference" so to speak.

[DavidH]

It seems to me that she gets a pass for the cookie incident since as the OP said, she didn't know he was married.  The only issue there seems to be her somewhat unfortunate choice of attire.

The OP said, "DH really doesn't like the interruptions and he's trying to ignore her but she isn't taking the hint." He needs to be more direct first before we go to the document, build a screen, she's a stalker level. 

OP's DH needs to say, at least one, "Neighbor, please don't call to me or whistle at me while I'm working out, it's very distracting."  If she doesn't respond to that, he can always be more forceful the next time, as in "Neighbor, I've asked before and you've ignored my request, do not call to me or whistle at me while I'm working out." 

You can always escalate, but in general, the first step is to actually ask the person to stop. 

[sunnygirl]

It seems to me that she gets a pass for the cookie incident since as the OP said, she didn't know he was married.  The only issue there seems to be her somewhat unfortunate choice of attire.

The OP said, "DH really doesn't like the interruptions and he's trying to ignore her but she isn't taking the hint." He needs to be more direct first before we go to the document, build a screen, she's a stalker level. 

OP's DH needs to say, at least one, "Neighbor, please don't call to me or whistle at me while I'm working out, it's very distracting."  If she doesn't respond to that, he can always be more forceful the next time, as in "Neighbor, I've asked before and you've ignored my request, do not call to me or whistle at me while I'm working out." 

You can always escalate, but in general, the first step is to actually ask the person to stop.

I agree. Her behaviour is totally inappropriate (barring the first incident when she thought he was single - that's embarrassing and maybe a bit OTT but not out of line) -- but so far the husband hasn't said the very simple word 'no' to her. I think it's an overreaction to start talking about stalking and threatening her with eviction without trying a 'not interested please stop' first. Saying 'no' should always be the first step when faced with unwelcome attention, unless the person is violent or obviously unstable/dangerous.

[Amava]

I really don't think people should /need/ to be told that it is not okay to cat-call at a neighbour who is trying to exercise on his balcony, minding his or her own business.

There is flirting, and then there is being intrusive and rude, making a complete fool of oneself in the process. I don't even know in what universe she thinks her behaviour is ok or attractive.

[ladyknight1]

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be flabbergasted if I were you.