New Neighbor: Peeping Tammy

[VorFemme]

Snarky and Evil had another suggestion - not only does Peeping Tammy "remind" your DH of his mother (or her sister - grandma if he really wants to get the point across) in her looks - but she uses the same cologne that his relative does......

If that doesn't get the message across that he does not think of her as a potential "romantic" partner - well, he'd have to do the equivalent of running over her with the Cluedozer - twice.

[CaptainObvious]

Snarky and Evil had another suggestion - not only does Peeping Tammy "remind" your DH of his mother (or her sister - grandma if he really wants to get the point across) in her looks - but she uses the same cologne that his relative does......

If that doesn't get the message across that he does not think of her as a potential "romantic" partner - well, he'd have to do the equivalent of running over her with the Cluedozer - twice.

I don't think passive aggressive comments are the way to approach the situation.

[NutMeg]

I agree. If this woman was sensitive to social cues she would not still be flirting with this guy. She isn't sensitive to those cues, so the time has come to move beyond them.

[Rusty]

I agree with Nutmeg, she sounds like she's a sandwich short of a picnic!

[artk2002]

Well, some people are in to that sort of thing.... there's a whole website devoted to married people looking for someone else.

Like I said earlier, how is she supposed to know he doesn't want her to come on to him, unless he asks her not to? Sure, most people don't come on to someone they know is married, but not everyone... and it doesn't make them rude. Catcalling, I agree with... but the general flirting, etc. is not rude in my book.

There may be web sites that cater to that taste, but unless I missed something, the OP's home isn't one such web site. The assumption in polite society is that someone's spouse or committed partner is off limits. No need for someone to explicitly say "stop" unless the person is rude, as Peeping Tammy is.

The existence of swingers doesn't make Tammy's behavior acceptable in any way, shape or form.

[Allyson]

I think OP's husband should tell her firmly, "Please don't call out to me when I'm lifting weights. It's a safety risk." He doesn't need to bring up 'flirting' or 'wife' because she could easily deny it and play wounded gazelle. But she can't deny she's called out to him when lifting weights. If that doesn't stop the problem, be more firm with her to please leave him alone at other times.

[gypsy77]

While she has participated in some odd and inappropriate behavior, I'm not sure this lady is a 'creep', and they need to take personal safety into account here.....

Personal safety does not have to be at risk for someone to be a creepy.  She is certainly impeding the OP and the OP's DH from reasonable usage and enjoyment of their home.  And she's doing it in a creepy way - a way that makes them uncomfortable and possibly feeling icked out and getting and shivers up the spine when thinking of having to interact with her or be caught in the elevator with her, etc - that to me makes her a creep.

Not only that, but using phrasing like "tempting, but I am married" actually implies he *is* interested, which is the exact opposite of the message he wants to convey. It's the same as when we give advice not to justify, argue, defend or explain when refusing something. Using marital status as an excuse gives her something to argue against and keep the conversation (or harassment) going.

[Raintree]

I agree, no, no, nooooo to the word "tempting." That comes off as encouragement. Sounds as though he's not even remotely tempted.

Updates, OP?

[Stormtreader]

I think the discussions about people having open marriages and "what if the genders were reversed" are making this a bit more complicated than it needs to be - even if it was a man calling out to a girl, the first step should always be "tell them clearly you are not interested and that they need to stop".

[Amava]

I agree, no, no, nooooo to the word "tempting." That comes off as encouragement. Sounds as though he's not even remotely tempted.

Updates, OP?

I agree with you too, there. The last thing he wants to do is encourage her by saying it is "tempting".
He's not attracted to her, and not interested, and that it that. Married or not.

/end reply to the quote


Also, to the thread in general: again, to me it does not matter whether a neighbour is single, in an open marriage, married, engaged, attractive or ugly. You do not cat-call or make loud comments to any person who is exercising, moving the lawn, or going about whatever their business of the moment is. I don't care how attractive they are. That is just rude and uncalled for.

This woman needs to learn that a  neighbourhood is not a strip club where people show themselves off for your enjoyment and where you voice your approval loudly. Leave people in peace. Again, I just can't fathom how this woman does not realise that it is not okay to harass and embarrass people like that, and make such a spectacle of herself. It's just not done.

[sourwolf]

I think the discussions about people having open marriages and "what if the genders were reversed" are making this a bit more complicated than it needs to be - even if it was a man calling out to a girl, the first step should always be "tell them clearly you are not interested and that they need to stop".

I think the point about genders being reversed was that it seemed like a number of posters were downplaying this woman's behavior, when, if it was a man doing the same thing, there would likely be a unanimous outcry that he was indeed creepy and inappropriate.

[O'Dell]

I think the discussions about people having open marriages and "what if the genders were reversed" are making this a bit more complicated than it needs to be - even if it was a man calling out to a girl, the first step should always be "tell them clearly you are not interested and that they need to stop".

I agree. I think the OP's husband has some good wording and tactics for him to use. If I'm reading it right, his first reaction is anger and he's right to not want to go off on a verbal tear with the lady. He just needs some solutions for that middle ground between doing nothing and cussing at her.

[Devix]

So, a small update.

DH ran into Tammy last night when he was coming home from work.  They exchanged a very simple greeting and then DH proceeded to tell her that he did not appreciate her attentions towards him.  I think his words were "Please stop calling out to me when I am on my balcony.  I enjoy my private time without interruptions and I find your interruptions to be distracting and inappropriate.  The whole situation is making me uncomfortable and I want to make sure you realize that I am only your neighbor and absolutely nothing more."

He said she seemed to take it well and I hope the matter is resolved.  Still, we won't exactly be going out of our way to do any favors for Tammy.

[Outdoor Girl]

Perfect!  I hope it solves the problem.

[jedikaiti]

Beautiful! I hope it sticks.