"Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter

[Outdoor Girl]

The BF can't really apologize for what other people do and say but he can apologize for exposing his GF to it.

If they are talking about moving together when their schooling is done, it really is time to talk about the future and what his expectations are for spending time with his family.  Were my family like that, I wouldn't want to expose my BF, let alone any future children, to that kind of bigotry and racism.  And if the BF doesn't understand her concerns, it might be time to seriously reconsider the relationship, no matter how good a guy he is.  If he's willing to expose children to open racism and bigotry, frankly, he's not that good a guy.

[Isisnin]

If the boyfriend really understands how offensive and hateful his family is, why would he expose gf to that? I would not be prepared for a lifetime of putting up with crude and vulgar behavior and the arguments that would result (especially since the boyfriend seemed mildly embarrassed, which IMO is not a strong enough reaction).  A difficult family is one thing, hate and prejudice is quite another.

POD.  the Letter Writer states that she wasn't prepared for the family so clearly the boyfriend didn't really understand how bad they are.  Sounds like he didn't tell her that they use those words.  That would have been the way to prepare the LW.

She can allow sometime for her conversation with the boyfriend to sink in to him while she deeply rethinks this relationship.  Since he didn't understand how important it was to truly warn her about them, he probably would not be understanding or supportive of limited contact or no contact with his family after they marry.  So there would be big potential of her kids learning those words at an early age.  Plus, she needs to decide if she wants her kids to learn to be tolerant of those words too.

[Sharnita]

I think he tried to warn her but she didn't pick up on what he was trying to say,  He loves them despite their immense faults so baldly stating their problems is probably incredibly difficult.  Sombebody is much more likely to say,"My dad has a drinking problem" than "My dad is an ugly drunk".

[CaptainObvious]

I think he tried to warn her but she didn't pick up on what he was trying to say,  He loves them despite their immense faults so baldly stating their problems is probably incredibly difficult.  Sombebody is much more likely to say,"My dad has a drinking problem" than "My dad is an ugly drunk".

I agree with this, it is hard to admit that your Uncle is a Racist, the Man who taught you how to ride a bike or how to throw a fastball can't possibly be a racist. Racists are nasty horrible people, my Uncle isn't one of "those people".

[Sharnita]

I think he tried to warn her but she didn't pick up on what he was trying to say,  He loves them despite their immense faults so baldly stating their problems is probably incredibly difficult.  Sombebody is much more likely to say,"My dad has a drinking problem" than "My dad is an ugly drunk".

I agree with this, it is hard to admit that your Uncle is a Racist, the Man who taught you how to ride a bike or how to throw a fastball can't possibly be a racist. Racists are nasty horrible people, my Uncle isn't one of "those people".

Or you don't but it in that wording.  You warn her by saying "Uncle says some pretty out there stuff"

[CaptainObvious]

I think he tried to warn her but she didn't pick up on what he was trying to say,  He loves them despite their immense faults so baldly stating their problems is probably incredibly difficult.  Sombebody is much more likely to say,"My dad has a drinking problem" than "My dad is an ugly drunk".

I agree with this, it is hard to admit that your Uncle is a Racist, the Man who taught you how to ride a bike or how to throw a fastball can't possibly be a racist. Racists are nasty horrible people, my Uncle isn't one of "those people".

Or you don't but it in that wording.  You warn her by saying "Uncle says some pretty out there stuff"

Sorry, I meant that is possibly his thought process, not what he would say to her.

[LadyL]

LordL's family has a few bigots/racists who are pretty vocal, and probably another 2/3 of the family who don't object to the comments (for whatever reason) and/or have somewhat offensive views themselves. I don't know what I would do if he were an apologist for their views or behavior, or didn't warn me about it beforehand. He gets really upset at their nonsense and we have limited contact with his family, at his decision. We skipped Thanksgiving this year because the hosts were the most bigoted and racist relatives in his family and last time we attended Tday at their house it was incredibly draining and frustrating.

I am of the mind that bigots/racists are toxic to be around. It seriously leaves me upset for days after interacting with people like that. If LordL wasn't on my side about limiting our exposure I think it would be a potential dealbreaker.

[O'Dell]

I think he tried to warn her but she didn't pick up on what he was trying to say,  He loves them despite their immense faults so baldly stating their problems is probably incredibly difficult.  Sombebody is much more likely to say,"My dad has a drinking problem" than "My dad is an ugly drunk".

I agree that's probably what happened. Calling these people a "handful" is a big understatement! But in my opinion that should throw up some warning flags. Does he really see them as only a handful or whatever wording he used? Or was he trying to communicate more and she just didn't catch on?

[Outdoor Girl]

Or you don't but it in that wording.  You warn her by saying "Uncle says some pretty out there stuff"

This wouldn't work for me.  'Pretty out there' could mean something more along the lines that little green men landed in Roswell in the 50's and now, everyone who has lived there since that time is descended from the little green men.  I wouldn't immediately jump to a person who uses the 'N' word and other slurs as being 'pretty out there'.

[guihong]

I think the LW should step way, way back and imagine a small child approaching a strange woman in the grocery store with "Are you a *horrible name for women*?   Unless she's willing to draw a line in the sand NOW, one day she and her husband are going to have a huge fight (or many fights) about allowing their children to spend time alone with his family, or allowing his relatives in their house.   We've all seen variations of that on this board.  When you marry someone, yes, your spouse is supposed to be first but you drag along the family as well.  I'd also be watching really closely to make sure he's not on "best behavior" and to let his true colors come out (if he's internalized those beliefs).

There are so many red flags here, it's more like a flapping cape.

[Sharnita]

I think they spent ine holiday with these people.  Considering that they are so serious that they are talking about their future together, moving, etc. I don't know that there is much evidence that he intends to subject her to extensive time with them.  Her letter doesn't really indicate that she has calmly asked or discussed any expectations with him.  I think the first thing to do would be discuss it with him.  LadyL mentioned that her DH is on her side but it does sound that he is "allowed" some ongoing contact and interaction.  It is unclear if LW is willing to accept that much.  It is uncleat if he wants much more than that. It seems a bit backward to make decisions without finding out first.

[O'Dell]

Or you don't but it in that wording.  You warn her by saying "Uncle says some pretty out there stuff"

This wouldn't work for me.  'Pretty out there' could mean something more along the lines that little green men landed in Roswell in the 50's and now, everyone who has lived there since that time is descended from the little green men.  I wouldn't immediately jump to a person who uses the 'N' word and other slurs as being 'pretty out there'.

Neither would I. But the LW does say that her boyfriend was embarrassed by his family's behavior so it is plausible that he was embarrassed to come out and say what they are like. He also might have been hoping that they wouldn't put on quite the show that they did. They might not always be so...expressive ...with the recent elections in the US, they might be more excited than normal.

[Sharnita]

Or you don't but it in that wording.  You warn her by saying "Uncle says some pretty out there stuff"

This wouldn't work for me.  'Pretty out there' could mean something more along the lines that little green men landed in Roswell in the 50's and now, everyone who has lived there since that time is descended from the little green men.  I wouldn't immediately jump to a person who uses the 'N' word and other slurs as being 'pretty out there'.

I think there is some obligation on the other person to ask clarifying questions.  It is difficult to talk about the issues if toxic family members, sick family members, etc.  A loving partner pays attention to cues and responds.

[Winterlight]

DH's family, not all of them, but a great many of them, is quite awful in some respects.  Not so much with the racial slurs, but they are openly bigoted against anyone who is homosexual.

We've been married nearly 20 years and I would have missed out on a wonderful husband and father had I just broken up with him because of his family. 

However, I'd also be lying if I said it hadn't caused some friction in our marriage and a lot of drama in our lives.  What I'd need to know in this case is, would the boyfriend expect her to continue to attend gatherings with his family for the rest of their lives?  What about exposing any potential children to this?

Is her boyfriend going to support her or his family when it comes down to it?  DH was willing to be my support and take on his family, draw definitive lines in the sand, etc.  If he's not willing to be that supportive, I too would have to think long and hard about continuing the relationship.

This. If he's going to insist on spending a lot of time with them should they move there, that could be a dealbreaker.

And I agree with WillyNilly:

The time to worry about very serious long term compatibility is not later, once things have gotten super serious.  Its before that time, while its still easier to leave the relationship.  Because the deeper in your get the more excuses you make to yourself about having to just deal with it because you've come so far. 

Exactly. She needs to think hard about this now, before they start talking about moving in together or marriage. If she can't stand being around them, then getting out now is the best option.

[Sharnita]

The thing is, there doesn't seem to be any evidence that he is insisting or expecting that they spend a lot of time with them.  She would certainly be reasonable to ask him how much time he envisions spending around the family if they move but it seems like she has skipped that step.