Author Topic: "Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter  (Read 8814 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: "Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter
« Reply #45 on: December 04, 2012, 10:23:11 PM »
I don't know, I wouldn't let them keep me away from a great place to live, good job, wonderful friends. Posters here manage to avoid geographically close familt most of the time.

I think it depends on if he's going to expect her to spend a lot of time around them.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Roe

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Re: "Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter
« Reply #46 on: December 05, 2012, 08:04:59 AM »
I don't know, I wouldn't let them keep me away from a great place to live, good job, wonderful friends. Posters here manage to avoid geographically close familt most of the time.

I think it depends on if he's going to expect her to spend a lot of time around them.

Just the fact that they plan to move closer to his family leads me to assume they will be spending more time with them. (yes, maybe it is an interesting assumption)  But also given that he doesn't think they are that bad means that he won't see it as horrible to spend holidays with them. I couldn't do it.  And I wouldn't want my children subjected to them.

It works for posters who are in similar situations because their SO's don't want much to do with that part of their family. I don't see how it could work if they are spending time with toxic individuals. 

Margo

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Re: "Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter
« Reply #47 on: December 05, 2012, 08:51:02 AM »
It seems to me that the first thing the LW needs to do is to sit down and discuss with her BF how she feels, how his family's behaviour affected her and how she felt about the extent to which he 'warned' her.

Whether he is willing to discuss it, and how he responds when they do would be big factors, for me, in deciding whether I felt that this was something which our relationship could weather.

BF's views and actions may well be very different from those of his family, but if the couple stay together, there are going to be issues around whether they spend a lot of time with these people, whether they are willing to entertain them in their home, what contact they would be willing for them to have with any children, in the future etc. I don't think LW and her BF need to be able to decide all of those issues now, but I think they do need to be able to discuss them, and to get some idea of how far apart they are in their views.

If BF's view is that family is family, and if they behave in ways you don't like, you just grin and bear it, but you don't challenge them and you don't restrict your interactions with them, and LW's view is that you do't have anything to do with people who behave like this, then you can see that there are massive problems ahead. Better to stat addressing the issue now, than when you've committed to a joint home, moved to accommodate a partner's job etc.

It may be that LW will find that BF was 'unapologetic' because he was embarrassed and defensive, and that he found his relations worse than he remembered them, seeing them with new eyes after having been away. If this is the case, then a calmer, non-judgmental  discussion (non-judgmental of him, I mean, not of the family's behaviour) may allow him to become less defensivve and better able to think about the concerns raised by LW.

Girlie

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Re: "Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter
« Reply #48 on: December 05, 2012, 03:32:21 PM »
It may be that LW will find that BF was 'unapologetic' because he was embarrassed and defensive, and that he found his relations worse than he remembered them, seeing them with new eyes after having been away. If this is the case, then a calmer, non-judgmental  discussion (non-judgmental of him, I mean, not of the family's behaviour) may allow him to become less defensivve and better able to think about the concerns raised by LW.

POD. When I approach my DH about concerns I have about his parents, I have to be careful about my timing. If I do it to soon after an upsetting event, he will sometimes become defensive, only to come back later with the realization and admission that I was right to be upset initially.

ettiquit

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Re: "Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter
« Reply #49 on: December 06, 2012, 03:13:17 PM »
It may be that LW will find that BF was 'unapologetic' because he was embarrassed and defensive, and that he found his relations worse than he remembered them, seeing them with new eyes after having been away. If this is the case, then a calmer, non-judgmental  discussion (non-judgmental of him, I mean, not of the family's behaviour) may allow him to become less defensivve and better able to think about the concerns raised by LW.

POD. When I approach my DH about concerns I have about his parents, I have to be careful about my timing. If I do it to soon after an upsetting event, he will sometimes become defensive, only to come back later with the realization and admission that I was right to be upset initially.

Good point.  I have some major issues with my MIL, and it took me way too long to figure the best timing for discussing it with DH.  Family bonds can be really strong even if some members have overtly unsavory characteristics.  My dad can be mildly racist, and he makes me cringe sometimes, but he's a wonderful father and I love spending time with him.  It can be hard to rationalize things like this.

Allyson

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Re: "Most offensive Thanksgiving dinner ever" letter
« Reply #50 on: December 07, 2012, 10:44:03 AM »
I definitely think it need a serious discussion, if they decide to get more serious. But I'm not sure about the idea that having family like this would be a red flag on it's own. If society is ever to change, people who come from families like this will need to be given the benefit of the doubt, and shown a better way. I think that saying he should cut off his whole family because of this *or* she shouldn't be with him is expecting way too much at this point, as well as assuming if he doesn't he must have some racist views of his own.

Maybe one day he will come to the conclusion that he can't be around them anymore. But I see here how difficult it is for people to cut off their family, even for more 'personal' affronts than this one. When I see a really racist family, and I also see that the younger generation are different (even if not perfect) it makes me happy because I think this is the only way we'll ever get rid of racism and bigotry. You so rarely see non-racist parents with racist offspring after all (though it does happen) but the reverse is quite common.