General Etiquette > Family and Children

To avoid or not to avoid Xmas Eve get together?

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Tia2:
Two things I noticed here:  Firstly, the issue of the assault.  BIL1 is extremely lucky you didn't call the police for what he did to a 4 year old child.  I think PPs have covered this, so I won't go over again.

The second point I noticed is that you say MIL 'isn't taking sides'.  I think that is completely untrue.  She is taking sides and is supporting BIL1.  Otherwise, she wouldn't be expecting her grandchild to be in the same room as a child abuser and wouldn't be expecting all of her sons at the same party.  If my relatives acted like this, I wouldn't invite everyone and leave it up to the victims to decide if they could stand being in the same room as the offender; I'd take the latter off my guest list for the comfort of the people he assaulted.

I have no idea why your DH is trying to apologise/reconcile with his brother (I'm really sorry you felt you had to assault a 4 year old - it's all his fault, we'll watch him better next time? - does that really make sense to you?).  If this was me, I'd be having nothing to do with this person until he made a grovelling apology.  I suspect the PP earlier who says that in dysfunctional families, one person has to be the 'reasonable' one (read doormat) is right and your DH has been assigned this role.

Also, does anyone have anything except BIL1's word for the fact he is on medication?  IMHO, either the family doctor is a quack or BIL1 is lying  - drugs like that should only be prescribed by psychiatrists (although I accept things may be different in the US).

despedina:
Well, I've never seen him on said medication. I only know that he and his wife have said he's on medication.
And yes, I've heard of family doctors prescribing meds like this before.  In fact, when I was in high school, my mother convinced my doctor I needed paxil because I she thought I was under severe stress,  so I know it happens.

despedina:
So small update, my DH and I spoke last night and we decided that best case scenario, if we go to xmas eve WITH bil1 we will just be on edge the entire afternoon, and worrying if he approves of how my sons are playing with nephew. We don't feel this will be at all enjoyable and I really can't get past the fact what he's done before (btw, he did at one point apologize half-heartedly to DH for his blow up and shaking of my son, but he's yelled at my sons before and apologized and DH told him he could not accept his apologies anymore until they could sit down and talk about changes that need to be made and have boundaries set, which obviously has not happened). 
I just think that if we go we're "playing with fire" and asking for another incident if we go.
DH emailed BIL2 to explain this and has not gotten a reply yet.  MIL is still insisting that there is a mass for FIL on the 24th (which I don't understand) so if she wants us to go to mass we'll go to mass.  DH has not yet told her that we cannot be there at her house at the same time as BIL1. I've explained that he needs to do this soon, so she has time to plan and get used to the idea. She tears up everytime he talks to her about BIL1 so he's finding it difficult.  It may sound terrible, but I'm starting to wonder about her tearing up every time my DH tries to talk about the issue with her.  Seems like just a way to shut DH down.

JenJay:
I think that's exactly what she's doing!

Your DH should let her know that he contacted the church to find out what time FIL's mass would be and was informed it had already been held on 11/15, that the 24th is a regular mass, and your family will not be in attendance.

LeveeWoman:

--- Quote from: despedina on December 07, 2012, 07:53:54 PM ---So small update, my DH and I spoke last night and we decided that best case scenario, if we go to xmas eve WITH bil1 we will just be on edge the entire afternoon, and worrying if he approves of how my sons are playing with nephew. We don't feel this will be at all enjoyable and I really can't get past the fact what he's done before (btw, he did at one point apologize half-heartedly to DH for his blow up and shaking of my son, but he's yelled at my sons before and apologized and DH told him he could not accept his apologies anymore until they could sit down and talk about changes that need to be made and have boundaries set, which obviously has not happened). 
I just think that if we go we're "playing with fire" and asking for another incident if we go.
DH emailed BIL2 to explain this and has not gotten a reply yet.  MIL is still insisting that there is a mass for FIL on the 24th (which I don't understand) so if she wants us to go to mass we'll go to mass.  DH has not yet told her that we cannot be there at her house at the same time as BIL1. I've explained that he needs to do this soon, so she has time to plan and get used to the idea. She tears up everytime he talks to her about BIL1 so he's finding it difficult. It may sound terrible, but I'm starting to wonder about her tearing up every time my DH tries to talk about the issue with her.  Seems like just a way to shut DH down.

--- End quote ---

Of course it's a way to shut him down! She is more interested in protecting a  violent man than her own grandson.

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