To avoid or not to avoid Xmas Eve get together?

[CharlieBraun]

Well done, despedina.

One further thought I had - are you part of a home parish where you are?  I will suggest that you have a Mass said in the New Year for your late FIL, and invite your MIL to the Mass, to a weekend or overnight at your home, and for a nice dinner that honors your FIL.  Just you, your kiddos, DH, and MIL.

If not in your home parish, then in your MILs, but the meal to be at your house afterward.

I can't remember who posted it (sorry) but it's absolutely correct that all Masses offered on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are part of the Nativity of Christ, and cannot be offered for individual intentions.

Good luck.....

[LadyJaneinMD]

Do not attend. Why ruin your whole holiday to attend an event you are already dreading?

POD!!   Christmas is supposed to be an enjoyable holiday?  What's enjoyable about that hot mess you are proposing??  Stay home and actually ENJOY yourselves for a change.

(says she who gave up all family holidays a long time ago when she realized that she spent more time worrying about them beforehand and crying afterwards than any 'enjoyment' that ever happened.)

[despedina]

DH chose to send the text. Here's what he send this morning.

I want to let you know that Despedina, the boys, and myself will not be attending a mixed xmas eve with you and your family at moms.  This was not an easy decision for us.  I wanted to let you know so you  will not be surprised.  I have already discussed this and our reasons why with mom and BIL2.  Our reasons are our reasons,  I do not wish to discuss or defend them and would prefer if you did not resort to name calling.

If you ever find yourself in a place where you are ready to have an open and honest dialog with me I would welcome that very much.

I wish you and your family a Merry Chrismas.

No response so hopefully this is the end of any drama this holiday season.

[doodlemor]

DH chose to send the text. Here's what he send this morning.

I want to let you know that Despedina, the boys, and myself will not be attending a mixed xmas eve with you and your family at moms.  This was not an easy decision for us.  I wanted to let you know so you  will not be surprised.  I have already discussed this and our reasons why with mom and BIL2.  Our reasons are our reasons,  I do not wish to discuss or defend them and would prefer if you did not resort to name calling.

If you ever find yourself in a place where you are ready to have an open and honest dialog with me I would welcome that very much.

I wish you and your family a Merry Chrismas.

No response so hopefully this is the end of any drama this holiday season.

Great going!  Keep those spines strong.

Many posters here have talked about something an "extinction burst," I believe.  Basically it means that the annoying perpetrators will up their antisocial behaviors when the victims start to escape. 

I apologize for being a downer.  Don't be shocked if BIL causes some sort of drama over this.  He may be plotting right now.

[JoyinVirginia]

Well done, despedina.

One further thought I had - are you part of a home parish where you are?  I will suggest that you have a Mass said in the New Year for your late FIL, and invite your MIL to the Mass, to a weekend or overnight at your home, and for a nice dinner that honors your FIL.  Just you, your kiddos, DH, and MIL.

If not in your home parish, then in your MILs, but the meal to be at your house afterward.

I can't remember who posted it (sorry) but it's absolutely correct that all Masses offered on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are part of the Nativity of Christ, and cannot be offered for individual intentions.

Good luck.....

Charlie Braun, that was me. I was fairly certain, from the descriptions of the Christmas masses a friend helps with at the Cathedral, that it was probably the only time of year you can be certain a personal mass will NOT happen.  I have a friend who is dedicated Catholic and very active with many volunteer roles. You know those church ladies who tell everyone where to stand and when to do their part in the service? My friend is one of those ladies, and by all accounts us good at it.

[despedina]

My 15 yo daughter came to me last night to tell me that SIL had PM'd her through FB to ask what she wanted for xmas.  I told her just not to respond. Not sure if SIL is dense or what?  I question whether BIL1 has even told her we won't be seeing them. DH wanted to respond but I just told him I'm not sure what anyone could say at this point to her to make any difference.
I'm not happy that she bypassed DH and I to ask DD but again I have to look at who I'm dealing with here.

[CharlieBraun]

I think it's time to block FB as well.  Your SIL may or may not know what is going on, but I give 6/3 & even odds that she does, and this is an attempt to subvert your authority and for that family to, as one used to say, "give themselves airs."

[MamaMootz]

POD Charlie Braun - why is your DD even FB friends with her at this point. She needs to block that whole side of the family, as do both of you.

[Danika]

Your SIL is what we would call a "flying monkey." Like Wizard of Oz, the witch has flying monkeys who do her bidding. BIL1 couldn't get what he wanted. Suddenly, SIL is being sent by him to accomplish his goal. I would ignore her, as you intended to do.

[TootsNYC]

DH has not yet told her that we cannot be there at her house at the same time as BIL1. I've explained that he needs to do this soon, so she has time to plan and get used to the idea. She tears up everytime he talks to her about BIL1 so he's finding it difficult.  It may sound terrible, but I'm starting to wonder about her tearing up every time my DH tries to talk about the issue with her.  Seems like just a way to shut DH down.

Or maybe she just finds it upsetting. Maybe there needs to be a lot less talking and a lot more just plain doing when the time for it eventually comes.

"Sitting down and talking about" emotionally painful situations isn't always the best way to handle it. Your DH just needs to calmly state when you're going to be over:
"Mom, as you know I've decided that it's best to avoid Brother1 right now. So we'd like to come over to see you at X hours. Are you available then for us to visit?"

And then stop talking about it.

Just *live* with. So people can get used to it.

[despedina]

My daughter is not friends with her at all, but she's not blocked from sending a message. I guess we'll have to fix that.

My DH sent SIL a message over FB this after noon that essentially says that he had communicated with BIL1 that they should save their money for nephew (they are always complaining about money anyway) so please do not purchase gifts for us.  He also said "I guess BIL1 did not pass this along".   

Other than this all has been quiet which is surprising but welcome.

[Nora]

I like the "I guess he did not tell you" part if your DH's message. Surely she would not have contacted DD if Bil had told her!

[MamaMootz]

Your SIL is what we would call a "flying monkey." Like Wizard of Oz, the witch has flying monkeys who do her bidding. BIL1 couldn't get what he wanted. Suddenly, SIL is being sent by him to accomplish his goal. I would ignore her, as you intended to do.

P.S. I love this! "Flying monkey" is so accurate!