Author Topic: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child  (Read 15780 times)

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Bexx27

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #75 on: December 05, 2012, 03:48:45 PM »
Bexx, I understand where you are coming from.  It is not an age-appropriate gift, sort of like giving an NC-17 or X-rated movie or game to a toddler.
???  That's quite a leap there.
 
OP, I read back on the thread and you actually do mention it a few times about children having a "better" item than parents and how it's uncomfortable or it should be for the family use instead.  You have your reasons why you aren't comfortable with the gift, and that is enough to decline it.

That was in response to other posters, not something I spontaneously brought up except as an extra layer of absurdity to a 3-year-old owning an ipad.

To those of you who say it's rude to dictate the terms of the gift and better to just decline it, that was exactly my question. So, thanks. I think there are many parents who would be uncomfortable with expensive electronics for their preschoolers' exclusive use, so while you might change my mind on that, you won't convince me that it's unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with it in the first place.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

TurtleDove

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #76 on: December 05, 2012, 03:53:43 PM »
expensive electronics for their preschoolers' exclusive use

I must have missed this part - I grasp the FIL wants to have DD open the ipad and refers to it as "DD's ipad" but has he actually demanded that only DD use it?  I don't think he can do that, or even if he made the demand, you certainly would not have to abide by it.  To go back to my wheelhouse, the pink set of legos are my DDs.  They were given to her.  She owns them.  However, I decide when she can and cannot play with them, and if her grandma demanded that I not play with the legos along with her I would think she were insane.  I don't even know that a preschooler could operate an ipad exclusively on her own.  Does she understand how to charge it?  Download apps?  Etc? 

Is the FIL seriously demanding that the parents not use the ipad?

Bexx27

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #77 on: December 05, 2012, 03:54:01 PM »
Can someone please explain what makes it inappropriate?

For me there's nothing inappropriate about a 3-year-old playing with an ipad. What makes me uncomfortable is the extravagance of the gift and the worry of spoiling my child by allowing her to really "own" something like that at her age. It sets up her expectations for future gifts.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

Bexx27

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #78 on: December 05, 2012, 03:57:46 PM »
expensive electronics for their preschoolers' exclusive use

I must have missed this part - I grasp the FIL wants to have DD open the ipad and refers to it as "DD's ipad" but has he actually demanded that only DD use it?  I don't think he can do that, or even if he made the demand, you certainly would not have to abide by it.  To go back to my wheelhouse, the pink set of legos are my DDs.  They were given to her.  She owns them.  However, I decide when she can and cannot play with them, and if her grandma demanded that I not play with the legos along with her I would think she were insane.  I don't even know that a preschooler could operate an ipad exclusively on her own.  Does she understand how to charge it?  Download apps?  Etc? 

Is the FIL seriously demanding that the parents not use the ipad?

He hasn't said that DH and I "can't" use it, but if it's presented as hers, then it's up to her to "share" it with us. He's also talked about putting apps on it and transferring the apps from my ipad, indicating she won't be using mine anymore now that she has her own.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

AustenFan

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #79 on: December 05, 2012, 03:58:17 PM »
That was in response to other posters, not something I spontaneously brought up except as an extra layer of absurdity to a 3-year-old owning an ipad.

To those of you who say it's rude to dictate the terms of the gift and better to just decline it, that was exactly my question. So, thanks. I think there are many parents who would be uncomfortable with expensive electronics for their preschoolers' exclusive use, so while you might change my mind on that, you won't convince me that it's unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with it in the first place.

You may grow more accustomed to the idea as your daughter gets older (which doesn't help now, I know!). My son started the campaign for an iPhone at age 8. It seemed obscene to me until I realized how many of his classmates have one, and how cheap it is to add one onto an existing plan. He is 10 now and has his own tablet and iPhone, the tablet isn't an iPad since he needs Flash to watch required homework videos for school, but many of his friends have their own laptops and he will probably be getting one next year. 

bah12

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #80 on: December 05, 2012, 04:05:33 PM »
Jumping in late with my 2 cents, but here it is:

I do sort of think that you are being unreasonable about "DD's ipad".  Just because she opens the ipad and would consider it hers doesn't mean that you, as her parent, can't set some limits on it's use (when and how) or that she can't be asked to share it with you from time to time.  This is a child that has already dremonstrated the maturity and the ability to handle an ipad, so I don't think it's inappropriate from that stand point either. 

That being said, I do think that your FIL should respect your wishes as far as the type of gifts he gives to your DD.  If you feel that the gift is somehow too extravagant, or innappropriate for her, then you have the right to share those concerns with him.  I'm a little bothered by you telling him that he needs to gift the ipad to the whole family and not wrap it or put it under the tree, mostly because I don't think it's fully polite to dictate how someone gifts you (outside of parental limits on children's toys).  That may make it seem like he now has to spend money to get your DD something that she can open, especially since he seems to focus on the part of her opening the present. 

At the end of the day, though, you just need to decide how important this is to you.  If you really don't want her to have the ipad, then tell your FIL "no" (and in that case, don't have him gift it to you either).  For me, as the mother of a 3 year old, this wouldn't be my hill.  Any concerns about my child having an ipad (and your concerns it seems as well) can be addressed with parenting decisions of how and how often it's used.

Peregrine

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #81 on: December 05, 2012, 04:37:46 PM »
Bexx,  I think this is one of those things that you are just going to have to go with your gut on.....I completely understand the visceral reaction to a toddler "owning" a high priced I-device.  The connectedness of society is something that as parents we all have to figure out how to navigate for ourselves and children.  I remember being absolutely appalled3 years ago that an aquaintance's child had his "own" I-pad at the age of 20 mos. However, both his parents were in Hi-tech and it was just a previous generation I-pad that the family retained after the parents upgraded.  The idea that elementary school kids have their own laptops and cell phones is equally as foreign to me...I'm in my mid-30's and didn't have a cell phone until I was 21, and living away from home for the first time in college.

Now, having my own son who is 2 and starting to have to navigate these issues in our family, the issue of ownership and electronics seems much more murky.  In all honesty, my own opinion on this is kind of like Bah12, in an otherwise harmonious relationship with my in-laws, this wouldn't be my hill to die on.  I wouldn't worry overly much about how she is going to view the gift 5 years down the road, as much as anything, because technology will have completely moved on, and it will be something different.  Who knows, every elementary school kid may be issued an I-pad rather than school books in 5 years time...and it will just be an accepted part of growing up.

I wish you the best of luck figuring out how to navigate this issue in your family.  I know that the with the speed that technology is changing and evolving has led me to completely re-think how I had planned to parent my son....and I'm sure that I will have to re-think that again and again and again as he gets older  ???

Bexx27

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #82 on: December 05, 2012, 04:42:43 PM »
Thanks, all. I'm thinking we will just reiterate to FIL that we don't want the ipad to belong exclusively to DD and make sure he's OK with that. We won't object to her unwrapping it.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

Eden

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #83 on: December 05, 2012, 05:11:36 PM »
This is untrue. I don't want DD to have an ipad at all. I don't particularly want "the family" to have another ipad. The "giving it to the family" idea was supposed to be a compromise, not a request.

I see. I didn't understand that from the previous posts. My mistake. Anyway, it sounds like you've found a good approach that you're comfortable with.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2012, 05:13:36 PM by Eden »

lisastitch

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #84 on: December 05, 2012, 08:07:05 PM »
There are a  number of issues at play here, but in terms of "ownership"--let's say the family has one of the big 64-crayon sets.  It's still good.  It's used by all the family.  Grandpa wants to give granddaughter her own set of 64 crayons.  This will be hers.  Mom and Dad can tell her it's time to stop coloring, they can tell her not to crayon on the walls, they can tell her not to break the crayons--but if one of them wants to take the set of crayons to work for a project, they really should ask her permission because the crayons do belong to her.

A 3yo child understands the concept of "mine" and is working on concepts of "ours" and of sharing.  Having a box of crayons that is "hers" but that is treated as "ours" is confusing.

Good luck, OP.  I think your reaction is reasonable.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #85 on: December 05, 2012, 09:17:19 PM »
Can someone please explain what makes it inappropriate?

For me there's nothing inappropriate about a 3-year-old playing with an ipad. What makes me uncomfortable is the extravagance of the gift and the worry of spoiling my child by allowing her to really "own" something like that at her age. It sets up her expectations for future gifts.

I think that's an entirely reasonable concern. I'm not a parent, but I would not be comfortable with my hypothetical toddler owning an expensive piece of equipment either.

Hope things work out, and that your FIL respects your wishes for it to be a family gift.

doodlemor

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #86 on: December 05, 2012, 11:42:11 PM »
Something about this whole thing just seems a bit *off* to me, Bexx.  You stated that FIL has not been a boundary pusher in the past.  I fear that it may be starting now, though.

Your child is no longer a baby or toddler, but has become an interesting little person.  She is much more fun for everyone now, including FIL. 

I think that what bothers me is that it seems like FIL is usurping your parental rights a bit by insisting that he wrap up the device and give it to DD.  He was told not to do this, but persists.  Another example of boundary trampling is is disapproval of your DH taking DD for a father-daughter activity over Thanksgiving.

IMHO DH needs to talk to his father, and insist that FIL abides by the boundaries which you and DH have already set.  FIL needs to realize that you and DH are the parents, and set the rules concerning the raising of your DD.

bah12

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #87 on: December 06, 2012, 12:51:49 PM »
My perspective on this comes from my own parenting of a 3 year old.  She definitely understands the concept of "mine" and "ours" and she knows the difference between what is hers and what is not hers and what is the family's.  But, she has parents.  And she knows that her parents set the rules.  Just because something is "hers", it doesn't mean that I can't set limits on use.  She has some toys that are basically "free play" which means she can play whenever she's not being told to do something else (nap, bathe, eat, etc).  And she has some toys that she can only play with at certain times for a limited amount of time.  She must share everything.  That doesn't mean that anyone can come in whenever they want and take her stuff.  We respect her and her things and ask her to share when she's not otherwise fully engaged in permitted play with that item.

For example, say she has a book.  It's her book.  She's allowed to take her book and flip through the pages and "read" her book whenever she wants.  She is not allowed to write in her book, rip the pages, or take the book outside and drag it through the mud.  Those are the limits that I set on how she plays with it, even though it is "hers".  Because she has shown the maturity to use the books within the limits I set, I allow her to have books.  Sometimes, we read the books together (I read them to her), they are still her books, but we are both using them.  Sometimes, I might want to read one of her books by myself.  I ask her if I can take her book and read it (or say another child asks that).  If she's not actively using the book at the time, I pretty much allow her to be open with sharing it with whoever asks.  She doesn't get to say "no" just because she wants to.  She does get to say "no" to another child when they don't take care of her things (break, not give back, etc), but otherwise, she understands that her things are given to her with the caveat of sharing.

I get that some parents feel differently and don't want to force their children to share things that are 100% theirs, so I recognize that my opinion on "sharing" the ipad with parents is based on how I parent, and not necessarily how the OP chooses to parent.

What my DD does not yet have the concept of is monetary value.  She just turned 3 and while she knows what money is and that we have to use to bring things home from the store, she doesn't know the difference between a $500 ipad and a $100 leappad.  All she knows is that it's something that she likes playing with.  A $5 toy that she gets a lot of enjoyment out of is much more "valuable" to her than a $500 porcelain doll she isn't allowed to play with.
So, in terms of expectations for future gifts, at this point in her development she isn't thinking "Grandpa spent $500 on me last year, so he has to spend at least $600 on me on my birthday."  Where we do set expectations is in that just because she asks for something doesn't mean she's going to get it on the spot (or at all) and that wanting something, and having it are not equal.  It's just the monetary value of those things don't get come into play for her, because right now, she just doesn't get it.

That being said, I do get the concern in not wanting to spoil your child.  And as a parent, you have the right to make these parenting decisions.  And your FIL must respect them.

So, for me, the bottom line is that your FIL is rude to purposely push the boundaries that you set and the limits that you pose on your child.  You, also, shouldn't tell him that he has to gift the ipad to your family (I get that it was a compromise), just that you don't want him to give it to your daughter because you don't want her to have her own.  That's all valid.  Everything else, as far as why you don't want her to have her own ipad, is really a parenting issue.  We don't have to agree on it.

NyaChan

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #88 on: December 06, 2012, 02:37:04 PM »
I think that you should explain to your FIL exactly how the gift will be used if he chooses to give it.  "FIL, I want to make sure we are on the same page regarding DD's gifts this Christmas.  We are not comfortable with her owning an ipad at this age.  If you give her your old ipad, DD will not be using it.  If you still want us to have it and gift it to the family, (insert explanation of how you plan to use the ipad, i.e. I will be using the one you give us and DD will have exclusive use of my old iPad)

TurtleDove

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Re: Uncomfortable with FIL's gift to my child
« Reply #89 on: December 06, 2012, 02:59:38 PM »
I think that you should explain to your FIL exactly how the gift will be used if he chooses to give it.  "FIL, I want to make sure we are on the same page regarding DD's gifts this Christmas.  We are not comfortable with her owning an ipad at this age.  If you give her your old ipad, DD will not be using it.  If you still want us to have it and gift it to the family, (insert explanation of how you plan to use the ipad, i.e. I will be using the one you give us and DD will have exclusive use of my old iPad)

Is this what the OP would intend though?  If yes, I go back to my initial thought that this is entitled and just off somehow to me, because it makes it about "I don't want my daughter to have a nicer item than I do."

I think bah12's post was good - I really think the OP's concerns, at least as I understand them, about the 3 year old "owning" the ipad can be addressed with setting rules as her parent.  A 3 year old is different from an adult in terms of ownership, and even different from a 6 year old or 10 year old.