Am I being unreasonable? (long)

[ShadesOfGrey]

I honestly dont know.  Here's the situation from my perspective - I wont pretend to be objective:

I am going on vacation soon with my dbf.  I have been saving for this trip since February, and have probably put in a good 25 hours of research into it over the summer.  I am really, really looking forward to this vacation (I have taken a full, albeit part-time, courseload this entire year, mostly concentrated in the last 3 months, had several disasters with my apartment and a business trip, and had family illnesses to deal with, I am moving, plus a few other smaller things.  I am *really* looking forward to this vacation). 

I just found out from my bf that his aunt and uncle will be vacationing in the same city that we will be vacationing in AND he wants to have dinner with them one night while we are there.  I understand why he wants to, but I am opposed to this idea for two main reasons - 1.  Ok, so there's a part of me that thinks, it's my vacation and that is NOT how I want to spend it (his aunt doesnt like me, though its not overt, and I really just want to spend time with him).  2. More importantly, I have issues with the boundaries that he sets around us and with his family, and I am trying to get him to understand that it is ok to set firmer and more spacious boundaries.  I feel like this is a good situation to do that, since I dont want to do it. 

Important details from his perspective:
-He hasnt seen them in about a year, but he talks to them every few weeks/1ce per month on the phone. 
-His family is very close, and they are always traveling to see each other, sometimes driving 10000 miles to visit for a few days. 
-He thinks it is "only appropriate" to have dinner with them while we are there, that it would be offensive if we didnt.
-If the situation were reversed, he would expect to have dinner with my family if we were in the same place at the same time. 

So, while I understand why he wants to, and I honestly am not necessarily opposed to having dinner with family members if we happen to be in the same place at the same time, I dont want to *this* time because 1. His aunt doesnt like me 2. It's my vacation*, and that's just not how I want to spend it (I would be nervous around these family members, so not an enjoyable time and most of the conversation would be in another language).  3. I want him to set a boundary here and say no, 4. He didnt ask me if I wanted to have dinner with them, he just sortof expected that we would because he thinks it would be appropriate to do so because that's how his family works. 

So, fire away.  Am I being unreasonable? Is it really offensive if we dont have dinner with them?

*emphasis on "vacation" and not on "my (wahh, wahhh!) vacation"

[jimithing]

I don't think that he is being unreasonable, but I also don't think that you are. I understand your feelings on the situation but it's his vacation too, and is it really a big deal to spend 2 hours out of your entire vacation to make him happy?  It sounds like he is close with this particular aunt, as he talks to her on a regular basis.  If he or she then tries to guilt you into doing more things together then I would firmly say no.  It's important to him, and it sounds like a two hour dinner is an appropriate compromise in this situation.

[CrayonOutlines]

I can see both sides.  Part of me says you should just go -- what's 3 hours out of your life?  But another part understands that this is your time off from the demands of life and who wants to spend 3 hours with a person who doesn't like you, listening to others converse in a foreign language?  I also understand your BF's desire to see his aunt and uncle, particularly since they seem to have a decent relationship and they'll be in the same town.  I don't, however, see this as a time or place to inject "boundary issues" -- I don't think taking advantage of being in the same place at the same time to dine with people your BF wants to spend time with has anything to do with boundaries.

That being said, I say send BF to dinner alone -- tell him to tell his aunt & uncle that you weren't feeling well, but send your best wishes.  You find something to pamper yourself during the time he's gone.  And enjoy the rest of your time together! 

Good luck!

[jimithing]

That being said, I say send BF to dinner alone -- tell him to tell his aunt & uncle that you weren't feeling well, but send your best wishes.  You find something to pamper yourself during the time he's gone.  And enjoy the rest of your time together! 

Good luck!

I think that this is an excellent option! 

[GINO40]

I have to ask, how long is your vacation? If it's just for the weekend then I could possibly understand your time restrictions, however if it's for more then that, then I don't see why you can't take one night to have  a dinner. There are many times when I don't want to be around BF's family but I do it because I care about his feelings.

[EtiClerk]

Well, since you promised not to be objective rdge - here is my totally biased opinion.   

My family is close.  We would never dream of being near a relative without stopping in to visit.  Yes, sometimes it is a pain, even for us (and we're used to it) but it is the price we pay to have the joy of a truly closeknit family.  We all realize that can be intimidating for new entries.  Especially new entries who come from small families or who are not used to having quite such an involved family.  But we still expect our SOs to respect our values in that way.  My SO and I only get to see each other every 2-4 months and then only for a few days.  Every single visit at least some of those few days are spent with his family or with mine.  I'll admit that there are days I just want to grab him and yell "mine mine mine!" and refuse to go out. 

I did date someone for a while who didn't understand that, yes, I really do insist that we drive/fly/crawl to get to my family as often as possible.  That was difficult and caused a lot of problems in our relationship.  It was a difference we just couldn't overcome and I realized that long before he did because he never realized how much his refusal to make the effort for the family events hurt and frustrated me. 

Your reaction to this type of thing will mean a lot to BF if his family is close.  I agree that there have to be boundaries but it doesn't sound like BF is being pressured and doesn't want to do this but instead that he finds this important and does want to meet up with them.  That's not a boundary issue, that's a values issue for him. 

Can you let him know you respect his relationship with his family and still express your concerns? 

What if you don't meet them for dinner but for lunch or a nice breakfast (which usually take significantly less time)?  Or if  you include them in one specific activity (seeing a museum, ride on a river, hike, etc.)  There are ways to hook up with them that shouldn't feel quite as consuming as a full-on dinner. 

Try something like "BF, I really would like to hook up with Aunt and Uncle, but I had planned some special evenings for us alone.  Do you think we could have lunch with them on _____ day instead?" 

Also, I disagree with sending him alone unless you really aren't feeling well.  If he wants to drag you around to family events, remember it is because he probably wants to show you off and make sure the family knows you are a package deal.  That's pretty neat. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

I don't think that he is being unreasonable, but I also don't think that you are. I understand your feelings on the situation but it's his vacation too, and is it really a big deal to spend 2 hours out of your entire vacation to make him happy?  It sounds like he is close with this particular aunt, as he talks to her on a regular basis.  If he or she then tries to guilt you into doing more things together then I would firmly say no.  It's important to him, and it sounds like a two hour dinner is an appropriate compromise in this situation.

I should probably clarify that dinners tend to be all night affairs in his family, not 2-3 hours.  And I've been getting the [bad] end of the deal when it comes to his family, he's close with all his aunts/uncles, and I feel like it's too long into the relationship (several years) for him to expect this kind of compromise from me without considering that I might not want to do it (this might just be the crux of hte issue for me more than spending the night with his fam, though I am not excited about that at all).   

Despite this, I do see your point.   

[mrsbrandt]

If his family is going to become your family...then I think you should go.  But by all means fake a headache (with preapproval from bf) and either you both or you alone can go back to the hotel after 2 hours.  BF should understand that you're making an effort for what's important for him, but you're not interested in spending all night with his aunt or uncle.

[jimithing]

I think that you hit the nail on the head.  This issue sounds like something that is far greater than a dinner with his family.  It sounds like you feel like you are playing second fiddle to his family, and this is another example of this.  For him to not consult with you is also disrespectful, especially considering that it appears he knows how you feel about his family, and vice versa. 

I would sit down with him and come up with a compromise.  Let him know he can go alone, or if you do go, you will be there 2 hours max, no more. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think that you hit the nail on the head.  This issue sounds like something that is far greater than a dinner with his family.  It sounds like you feel like you are playing second fiddle to his family, and this is another example of this.  For him to not consult with you is also disrespectful, especially considering that it appears he knows how you feel about his family, and vice versa. 
I would sit down with him and come up with a compromise.  Let him know he can go alone, or if you do go, you will be there 2 hours max, no more. 

Wow, I think you are spot on. 

It's really not about spending time with his fam - I make lots of efforts to spend time with his family.  I spend time with them when he is not there many times, of my own accord - and he does for me too.  It's also not a new relationship where we have to prove that things that are important to the one are important to the other one, too - we're way past that stage (even though it's an ongoing principle that we operate on within our relationship). 

Its *this* time that I would rather not spend with his family, kwim? And then there's the whole second fiddle thing, which makes me want to make this a time when we practice boundary setting (since we dont do that enough, imo )   

::Sigh:: I feel an argument coming on....

[Sibby]

His aunt doesn't like you.  That says it for me.
Yes it's great that he's close to his family and you make time for his family & his for yours.  And ideally it would be great to have a casual and quick dinner with them briefly during a vacation.  But if this woman has let it be known through actions or words that she does not care for you, that IMO seals the deal.  And your BF can kick & scream and carry one but I think you are fully justified to say "you know anyone else fine, but I will not take time from my vacation to spend an evening with a woman who is rude and cold to me.  And honestly I'm offended you would even consider putting me in such a position.  The line has been drawn in the sand - respect me your mate, or the aunt who openly dislikes your mate."

[Morty'sCleaningLady]

That being said, I say send BF to dinner alone -- tell him to tell his aunt & uncle that you weren't feeling well, but send your best wishes.  You find something to pamper yourself during the time he's gone.  And enjoy the rest of your time together! 

Good luck!

My take -- You seem to be overly stressed right now.  School, personal life, etc. have taken their toll on you.  You don't want added stress on your vacation.  I understand that.  I lean toward telling your BF to have a ball with his family and you do something that he doesn't want to do that evening.

Point of consideration -- If you and your BF are 'marriage-track' (ie will get engaged in the future), will this be acceptable to his family?  Would it alienate your BF's Mom?   Will BF accept your regrets for the invitation?  

Your request is reasonable.  I hope your BF will back you up on this.

[EtiClerk]

I think I may have missed some back-story here.  I thought the OP said the Aunt hadn't given any overt sign that she didn't like rdge?

Is there a thread I can read for more info?

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think I may have missed some back-story here.  I thought the OP said the Aunt hadn't given any overt sign that she didn't like rdge?

Is there a thread I can read for more info?

Nope, no other thread, sorry.  Here's some background on the aunt though. 

She's not openly rude or cold to me.  But when we visited her house for the first time, she took her nephew on a tour and left me standing in the living room with a strange man (her husband).  She doesnt make any effort to speak english in front me.  And the first time his mom introduced me to her, she looked at me and then turned to his mother and asked if I was their ethnicity before she even said anything to me (she thought I wouldnt understand the question, but I did).  I've only seen her maybe 3 times in total, the first two were when these incidents occurred. The third time she treated me politely (proper greetings and polite 1-2 questions), so it's not like she has made it extremely uncomfortable for me, but it's also not like I dont know she doesnt like me. 

[EtiClerk]

Thanks for the extra info rdge - how unpleasant for you.  At least she is making some effort now but I don't expect anyone would be able forget such behavior quickly. 

From your later posts it seems as though the issue is less the time actually spent with his family than that you have spent 25 hours researching, a lot of money setting up, and time planning the perfect vacation for both of you (presumably discussing the whole thing with him) and his (only?) contribution is to set up one event for himself (meaning, benefitting only him) that you are both obligated to attend without checking in with you first?

If that is the case, taking the focus off his desire to spend time with family and focusing on the communcation/consideration issue might make this a less emotional erm... discussion when you do get to talking about it.