Am I being unreasonable? (long)

[BittyB]

From the compromise perspective I think you need to either not go, but send BF, or you both go with the understanding that there WILL be boundaries. 

Suggested boundaries:

Pick a reasonable *compromise* time.  If his family dinners are normally a 5 hour affair, decide ahead of time what time you will leave, like maybe after 3 hours.

Does everyone know english?  In a family situation they should not be leaving you out, and it sounds like you understand *some* of their language?  You need to understand EVERY thing that is said, and it sounds like BF needs to play translator.  Sure, it's annoying, but it's compromise.  If he expects you to go, then he'd darn well better treat you like an equal here.  Depending on the details of the language barrier, he can hold up the entirety of his side of the conversation in English and translate everything they say for you (regardless of whether or not it was said to you).

And for you, you should try your best to make conversation with Auntie, even though it sounds like she's got a prejudice against you.  Kill them with kindness.

And have a great vacation!

[caranfin]

I think it's important to compromise. But I would not willingly spend *any* part of my vacation with someone who refuses to speak English around me when she's perfectly capable of doing so. It's rude, and I don't go on vacation to seek out rude people, even if they happen to be related to someone I love.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I really appreciate the responses, everyone.  It's really helpd me clarify the issues and gave me some good ideas for responses/compromises.  Thank you!

[bopper]

This is why sometimes even if we are near relatives/friends and don't have time/inclination to visit, we just do a stealth trip and don't tell them we were near them.  Has BF mentioned it to Aunt yet?  Maybe you could just slip by.  or Could you have him change it to dessert so it takes less time?

[DrinkingTea (was Sneezy)]

Is there any way you can have your boyfriend limit it to a few hour dinner thing instead of it being an all night thing?  Maybe schedule a late movie after or something that you already have tickets for?

[blarg314]

Has your boyfriend spoken to his relatives yet?  And how long is the vacation?  If you're only going to be there for a weekend, spending a whole night at dinner is a big deal, if it's two weeks it's less of an issue.

This sounds like a larger issue that the two of you need to work out together. One issue is making commitments for the two of you as a couple without consulting the other first. Even is it is for an event that would be standard in his family, you didn't grow up with the same set of 'of course' behaviour, so you need to consult.

The second is the family dynamics. He needs to understand that spending an evening with someone who *could* speak your language, but chooses not to, is stressful and very non-vacation for you. In a multi-lingual environment it's common for the conversation to briefly laspse into the non-communal language, but then it snaps back to the common language, and isn't used to insult people in.

[Audrey Quest]

Have him change the plans to lunch and make it for the day before you leave.
 
As far as they know it will be the 4 of you, but wonder of wonders a slot has just opened up for you at the spa and you just have to take it--you hope they will understand--send bf off to have lunch with them.
 
Tell him that if he makes plans to have dinner with them that evening that you will break both his arms.
 

You are going to this place for vacation.  That means, away from everything, including family.
 
I know it only seems like a few hours to most people, but a vacation has a flow to it that should not be interrupted unless that is the desire of the vacationee.
 
I can't describe it any other way.  It's kind of like having this really tasty ice cream sundae only someone has put a dead cockroach on it instead of a cherry.  Although the rest of the dessert is ok, having that roach there just ruins the whole thing.  I could even take the roach off of the sundae, but I am not going to eat it after it has had a roach on it.  Not the best comparison but I can see how the spectre of having dinner with these people (an obligation) can mess up what should be a uninterrupted "non-obligation."
 
Why the heck did bf even have to share the destination with anyone else?

[blarg314]

If his family is in the habit of doing things like this - and in many families, visiting someone you don't see often when you happen to be in town on vacation would be a very standard, natural thing - then it may take some compromise.

If they see you as the reason he won't visit his family while on vacation it could make things worse between you and them.

I like the idea of making it lunch, or having him go alone, because you 'already had tickets', or 'weren't feeling well'.

If someone comes from a close knit family where they visit as often as possible, and often go through a lot of travel for a short visit, then the chances of getting them to change their habits complete are slim, however, you can work for communication and joint decision making.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Wow, even more good points were made overnight... 

It's a 5-day vacation (ETA: 4 full days, bc we fly in an out in the afternoon/evening so the "fifth day" is really two 1/2 days/couple hours).   

For me, it is disruptive to see them - he doesnt understand why and thinks that it shouldnt be.  Kinda like a cockroach on my icecream 

We had the first of what I am sure will be a few conversations about this - it didnt go as well as I hoped. 

It's less about spending time with his family than the fact that he thinks we are *obligated* to do this and therefore I should just be happy to do it.    No. I am sorry, you have to *ask* me if this is how I want to spend my vacation.  And you have to be ready to accept "No." as an answer. 

ok, here we go...

[lilfaerhie]

i'm sorry he seems to have dug in his heels about this. it may end up that you don't go and tell him that night. when in the vacation is the dinner? would digging in your heels and saying "i'm sorry but ifyou aren't willing to compromise neither am i" spoil it?

[caranfin]

It's less about spending time with his family than the fact that he thinks we are *obligated* to do this and therefore I should just be happy to do it.    No. I am sorry, you have to *ask* me if this is how I want to spend my vacation.  And you have to be ready to accept "No." as an answer. 

That's the crux of the matter. In his family, this is What Is Done. He needs to understand that you did not grow up in his family, you are not subject to the same rules, and *everything* is up for negotiation.

[ShadesOfGrey]

i'm sorry he seems to have dug in his heels about this. it may end up that you don't go and tell him that night. when in the vacation is the dinner? would digging in your heels and saying "i'm sorry but ifyou aren't willing to compromise neither am i" spoil it?

No definite plans have been made yet for a date/time, but he definitely expects to go.  I am still deciding if I want to dig in my heels about this or if I am going to give in.  It's definitely one of "those" issues for me, but I also dont want to fight with him during the vacation. 

I think it depends on how willing he is to see my point of view about it.  Right now, he's not willing to see how/why I feel the way I do *at all* (based on our conversation last night), and that makes me very uncomfortable.  We typically can work our differing perspectives out after a few conversations, but when it comes to his family, he basically has blinders on, imo. 

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

My now husband and I had the same delema when dating / living together.

In the end I cancelled the trip, and Re-booked for a different location.
I agreed to spend some time visiting his family at another time.

What bothers me here with your situation, I seems to be his way or the highway.

Would you consider his presence on the trip, as in, go by yourself and take a friend instead ,because you SO isn't being much of a friend at the moment.  And respect is key for a long lasting relationship.

Also, how will you feel if he makes you go, you do go, and then it Festers in your head, that he could be so callas as to disregard your feeling.

I belive it is the hill to stand on, as you are needing respect and not getting it.

[Calbrini]

Do they know you are going to be there for definite? Can you tell them the wrong dates if they do know where you are going?

I am having the same problem with my in-laws and even DH has been evasive with them over our holiday dates as he know if GMIL turns up on our holiday next year I am on the next plane home.

[lilfaerhie]

ooooooh

can you be my other mom too that's lovely!