Author Topic: Wait! Just who am I talking to????update in OP  (Read 4066 times)

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MOM21SON

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Wait! Just who am I talking to????update in OP
« on: December 07, 2012, 08:04:11 AM »
Does anyone else think it's odd to let your kids answer texts and facebook messages for you?

The first happened a few years ago and I can't remember all the details of the conversation but it was nothing major.  I was texting with a friend about some stuff we were planning and at one point "she" responded with, "Hang on, this is Suzy, I will ask my mom."  I haven't texted with this friend since.

The second happened just last night.  I had messaged a old friend to meet up for lunch.  I needed some information that I knew she had.  We agreed to have lunch today.  Well 2 days ago I came down with this horrible cold so I messaged friend last night that we needed to reschedule and I was sorry.

"She" messaged back, "How about Saturday."

So, I replied back with my Saturday schedule and heard nothing back, until my phone rang.  It was pretty late and I feel like carp and didn't answer.

I just listened to the message and it was my friend telling me how it was Laura responding to me and she wasn't sure how to answer me about Saturday so she went and told her mom.

Is nothing private anymore?  Can I address this with my lunch friend?

Update:

Well we went to lunch yesterday and really had a great time.  I didn't have to bring it up because she did.

It seems Laura is her "defiant, problem child"  But she didn't ask my advice, so I didn't offer.  I now know to filter my responses.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2012, 04:02:48 PM by MOM21SON »

RebeccainGA

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2012, 08:10:06 AM »
It's weird. I wouldn't let my DD answer for me unless we were driving, I was behind the wheel and it was urgent, and then I'd tell her EXACTLY what to say. I'd bring it up - depending on the age of the kid, mom might not even know how 'helpful' they are being.

Nora

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2012, 08:16:27 AM »
It's very awkward for those who don't like it, and practically impossible to convey why in a way that won't offend the parents who do like it.
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

Harriet Jones

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2012, 08:20:08 AM »
I'd probably be OK with it as long as the texter was just being a relay between me and who I was trying to text.  (Assuming I wasn't texting anything too personal) I don't think I'd be ok with someone just pretending to  be the person I was texting.

MOM21SON

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2012, 08:25:40 AM »
Both of these girls pretended to be their mother, until the responses became difficult.  In the first situation the girl was about 11 and has always contolled her mother and continues to do so.  So that one is a forget about it.

The second girl is 14.

I would not have a problem if they identified themselves first.  Neither did.  I have had DS respond for me if I am driving, etc.  He always says, Hi this is DS, mom said...

LadyL

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2012, 08:53:29 AM »
I would be bothered by this. What if you had changed the topic to "Oh hey, by the way, my tests came back negative so I don't have to have that invasive medical procedure I mentioned to you?" Not cool.

bloo

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2012, 09:03:01 AM »
Until my 17 yo son just got his own phone, all my friends understood that me and my kids share a phone. Now it's just DD and me. Also the understanding in our house is anyone living in the house is free to look at anything on anyone's phones (in our house)*. Our friends are aware of this, no nothing of a personal nature is sent by text. My DD will ask me how I want to respond to a text intended for me if she's using the phone but neither of us take pains to identify who's actually reading, interpreting and answering the text. I will, on occasion, answer a text for my daughter if she's not around (it is, at the end of the day, MY phone) but I always let the recipient know it's me and not DD.

*Safety precaution - our kids have a relative expectation of privacy. We have the passwords to their emails, forums, the one social network they're allowed to participate in and they understand that as long as they are living under our roof, we retain the right to check the texts and calls on phones that they pay for. My son is still a minor and has minor friends and we went over the risks of having a cellphone (sexting). They also have access to anything on our phones. 

GratefulMaria

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2012, 09:23:59 AM »
I'd find it uncomfortable, too.  We've got a phone for every person in the family, but the kids have answered mine the same way other PPs have indicated -- while I was driving, and identifying themselves first but that it's my phone.  I've also had them check texts for me; my phone displays only the sender name at first, and they'd only read it if it were the middle of a back-and-forth already pending (we're headed to meet someone, they text that they'll be at the coffee shop instead of the bookstore, something like that).

Sometimes I'm visible on Google chat but DH is the one at the computer.  If one of our sons chats us and I can't respond, he does but always identifies himself in the first line.  We want them to know they'll know who's talking to them!

It sounds like almost two different issues:  who has access to someone's personal electronics, and identifying yourself if you're not the person whose device or account it is.

MOM21SON

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2012, 09:36:29 AM »
In both cases, the girls have their own phones and their own facebook accounts.

I certainly check my sons phone and facebook account, however, he does not have the right to check mine.

I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I knew that she allowed her daughter to log into her FB account.  So now her daughter knows the context of our prior conversations.  Which some of which were very private.

Sharnita

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2012, 09:47:10 AM »
I think there can be a vast number of ways to view texting.  I think that in our family most of us would not text private/personal info and do not "converese" via text.  SO there might be a quick "Can you have dinnner?"  "Sure, where?" kind of thing between each other and with our friends. So if somebody has their hands in the dishwater and they hear the tone that indicates a text, it seems perfectly natural to ask somebody else to check the text and if possible respond.

To me it is still me responding, just somebody else typing. I think that it probably is always wise to consider the possibility that the person you are talking to has a different theory about texting than you do.

Sophia

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2012, 10:01:04 AM »
It would bother me and this is why.

When I was a teenager it was the dark ages of no cell phones, and no do-not-call list.  I would frequently be the one to answer the phone.  If it was someone for mom, I would pretend to be her.  Our voices are amazingly similar.  Only dad and my DH can tell us apart.  I did this to filter out the telemarketers.  If it was one of mom's friends, I'd quickly interrupt and say "Hold on a sec".  Then I'd catch mom up on what was said, and mom would pick up the conversation as if it was her all along.  If something like that happened to me, and the conversation continued, I would think I was being lumped in with the telemarketers.  I know that isn't entirely accurate, since you don't text converse with telemarketers.  But it would be what my gut would say.

Now, if I were to text a friend "How about Saturday for lunch?" and the response was "This is (friend's daughter).  I will ask her."  That would be OK. 

O'Dell

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2012, 10:05:25 AM »
That would be weird. I'd definitely scale back written conversations with someone who let their kid or even spouse do that. I wouldn't mind so much if the kid ID'd themselves at the beginning like your son does, OP.

Your lunch friend...I think you can say something. Maybe introduce the topic as curiosity. "Hey what was going on with the texts and your daughter?" and take it from there. She might not have liked it herself and will tell you it won't happen again. Or she might tell you that her daughter does it all the time, in which case you can handle it like example #1.

I like to get my point across with humor. I might make a joke along the lines of LadyL's thinking about being careful about private info. Just take it to absurd levels.
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GratefulMaria

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2012, 10:11:45 AM »
I'd add that it's a courtesy to let people know if you do have a shared device or account, since it's reasonable to believe those are private even though it's prudent never to assume they are.  I have a few friends who still have shared email accounts with a spouse and / or family, and I can work with that -- as long as I know about it (OK, they make it easy:  "John-and-Jane" or "SmithFamily").  We save personal conversations for another place and method.  Which is right where Sharnita's point comes in:  I try to make sure those I'm communicating with use the method the same way I do before going into anything beyond the basics.


Outdoor Girl

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2012, 10:14:44 AM »
Now, if I were to text a friend "How about Saturday for lunch?" and the response was "This is (friend's daughter).  I will ask her."  That would be OK.

I agree.  If I was communicating with a friend and didn't know that it wasn't him/her, I might say something I otherwise wouldn't.  Which could potentially be embarrassing.

Note to self:  presume all written communications could potentially make the front page of the newspaper at all times.
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bloo

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2012, 10:17:07 AM »
I think there can be a vast number of ways to view texting.  I think that in our family most of us would not text private/personal info and do not "converese" via text.  SO there might be a quick "Can you have dinnner?"  "Sure, where?" kind of thing between each other and with our friends. So if somebody has their hands in the dishwater and they hear the tone that indicates a text, it seems perfectly natural to ask somebody else to check the text and if possible respond.

To me it is still me responding, just somebody else typing. I think that it probably is always wise to consider the possibility that the person you are talking to has a different theory about texting than you do.

To me this (the bolded) is the key. My friends might have private texting convos with each other, but not with me. My preference is to have spoken, private convos since, to me, so much can be misinterpreted by text. In the time it takes to convey a thought exactly the way I want it conveyed in 160 characters or less, I could just make a quick call. If friend can't talk, I'd prefer "Call you later."

In both cases, the girls have their own phones and their own facebook accounts.

I certainly check my sons phone and facebook account, however, he does not have the right to check mine.

I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I knew that she allowed her daughter to log into her FB account.  So now her daughter knows the context of our prior conversations.  Which some of which were very private.

I understand your annoyance. To be clear, my kids don't 'check' mine so much as they have access to it. It makes it easier for me to dictate to them to do something for me if I'm not able to.

Per the bolded, MOM, I think you're options are to say something or adjust your texting interactions with this particular friend...to me I would prefer to adjust.