Author Topic: Wait! Just who am I talking to????update in OP  (Read 4294 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2012, 10:20:06 AM »
I don't think it would bother me too much if the text conversation was not personal and was just a single response.

Just this past weekend I was driving to another city to meet my sister.  I got a text from my sis checking in to see if we were still on time.  I asked my DD to read it and respond that we were on schedule. 

Or my SIL routinely texts me before heading to our house for any type of family dinner to see if I need her to pick up anything or to just say she is on her way.  Usually I'm in the kitchen with dirty hands so I don't think twice about asking my kids or DH to check who the text is from and if from her to read me the text and then text back.  To me it's the same as when my MIL calls the house and the kid's answer and relay the conversation to me because I'm busy and can't talk on the phone. 

However, if I was having a multiple back and forth texts with someone, I would tell my kids  to identify that they are texting with them. 

But a facebook exchange would feel different for me.  I think it's because someone has to log into the account and enter a password so I feel like the conversation is a little more secure.  It would be like me sending a letter to a friend and her husband opening it and sending me a note back.  While this would be fine if my friend was incapacitated, I would be annoyed if it was just because she didn't have time to contact me. 

With an instant message on facebook, I think the non-owner of the account who happens to be logged in should either ignore the message or respond that it's someone else using the account.

After 15 years dealing IT Security issues, I have never considered any electronic communication to be absolutely private. 

JenJay

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2012, 10:36:00 AM »
In both cases, the girls have their own phones and their own facebook accounts.

I certainly check my sons phone and facebook account, however, he does not have the right to check mine.

I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I knew that she allowed her daughter to log into her FB account.  So now her daughter knows the context of our prior conversations.  Which some of which were very private.

And that I would have a huge problem with! Going forward I would only communicate with her over the phone or in person. If she noticed and asked why I'd tell her "It's none of my business how you and DD share your phones and computers, but I'm not comfortable knowing she'll likely read and respond to what I share with you. Some things are very personal to me and, as was the case with lunch, get confusing when she's answering for you without your knowledge."

I honestly wouldn't be too worried about ruffling her feathers. She wasn't even the tiniest bit considerate of you when she allowed her child to go through the FB messages you'd written.  :-\

If I'm driving or cooking and can see that DH or one of my parents has texted I might ask one of my kids to read me the text and type in my reply. If I can't see who it is or it's a friend it'll just have to wait until I can check it myself. My friends text me dirty jokes, curse-filled rants, etc. No way do either one of us want my kids to see that. One time my friend logged in on yahoo and I quickly IMed her a funny but inappropriate joke. A few minutes later she IMed back "Lol that was DD on the computer, not me. She just ran to me 'Mom, your friend wants to talk to you...' while looking rather embarrassed." My friend thought it was funny but I felt horrible. I've never done that again. Now I always make sure it's actually her. If her kiddo lied and pretended to be her mom I'd be very upset (but my friend would be livid and her kids know it, so there's no risk of that).

CakeBeret

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2012, 11:23:58 AM »
I would be uncomfortable, especially with the private FB conversations.

I occasionally answer messages for my DH while he's driving, but he dictates the message and I just type it. Rarely, if he is unavailable and someone is calling him insistently, I will answer the phone and tell them that he is unavailable. But I would never presume to take over someone's personal correspondence for them and pretend to be that person.
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DavidH

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2012, 11:39:20 AM »
On one hand, I suppose it's their phone or account, so they can do as they please, but I think the basic courtesy is to let friends know that everyone has access to the account, so not to send anything private.  In addition, I think if you are answering someone else's text, phone, email, you should let the person on the receiving end know promptly, as in the first message should be, "This is David not Sally she asked me to answer...." 

Similarly, since you probably wouldn't start a phone conversation with, "Hi  I have all this confidential stuff to say..." in one sentence, I'd follow the same rule.  Meaning the first test would be, "Hi", wait for reply, then send any confidential stuff once I knew who was replying. 

It doesn't solve the problem of old messages, but I think that's a risk you take when you put something in writing.  Just as a private letter could be put in a drawer or left out, a text could be deleted or saved and an email can be filed or kept open.  This doesn't mean I wouldn't be annoyed.

I think you can say to the friend something along the lines of it would be helpful to know if it's you replying or someone else up front.

If I knew the person had this issue, I'd ask who was texting before sending anything I wanted kept private. 

NyaChan

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2012, 12:00:58 PM »
In the first instance, I don't think it is clear that the daughter did more than interject into the conversation.  I'm picturing mom having a text conversation, stepping away, and then her daughter seeing the new text - then "Hang on,"  starts. 

For someone to carry on a conversation with another person this way where they pretend to be someone else is very irritating and, IMO rude. 

DaDancingPsych

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2012, 12:14:30 PM »
I think my problem in both cases is that the kids were not taught to identify themselves. A simple "This is Suzy. Mom says..." would go along ways.

I might say something to friend like, "I hadn't realized that I was speaking to your kid on Facebook at first." And see what friend says. In that same conversation, I would throw out "is there a better way to contact you so that we don't have to put her in the middle?" I wouldn't scold, but just gently bring the problem to the surface. And once I learned that an individual does not answer her own messages, I would be careful what I asked and how I responded. I might even ask, "Is this child or mom?"

misha412

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2012, 12:17:13 PM »
I think it is rude for someone to pretend to be another person.

If I am texting a friend's cell phone, my assumption is the reply I get is from that person...not her daughter, not her husband, not her pink polka dotted cousin from Mars. If I got a reply saying "Hi, this is friend's daughter, mom says..." I would have no issues with it. But to find in the middle a multiple text exchange that the person replying through several texts was friend's daughter, I would no longer text that friend. My assumption at that point is that I cannot trust who is on the other end of the text exchange.

While most of my text messages are not overly personal, I want to have a level of trust that I am actually texting with the person I want to communicate with.

As for how to handle the lunch friend situation, I would be upfront but polite about it. "I am a bit uncomfortable that Laura was on the other end of the text messages the other day. I thought it was you. In the future, I would be more comfortable exchanging voice mails instead."

bloo

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #22 on: December 07, 2012, 01:42:41 PM »
I think it is rude for someone to pretend to be another person.

If I am texting a friend's cell phone, my assumption is the reply I get is from that person...not her daughter, not her husband, not her pink polka dotted cousin from Mars. If I got a reply saying "Hi, this is friend's daughter, mom says..." I would have no issues with it. But to find in the middle a multiple text exchange that the person replying through several texts was friend's daughter, I would no longer text that friend. My assumption at that point is that I cannot trust who is on the other end of the text exchange.

While most of my text messages are not overly personal, I want to have a level of trust that I am actually texting with the person I want to communicate with.

As for how to handle the lunch friend situation, I would be upfront but polite about it. "I am a bit uncomfortable that Laura was on the other end of the text messages the other day. I thought it was you. In the future, I would be more comfortable exchanging voice mails instead."
I think my problem in both cases is that the kids were not taught to identify themselves. A simple "This is Suzy. Mom says..." would go along ways.

I might say something to friend like, "I hadn't realized that I was speaking to your kid on Facebook at first." And see what friend says. In that same conversation, I would throw out "is there a better way to contact you so that we don't have to put her in the middle?" I wouldn't scold, but just gently bring the problem to the surface. And once I learned that an individual does not answer her own messages, I would be careful what I asked and how I responded. I might even ask, "Is this child or mom?"

I think both of these are good and helpful but would add the caution that it may be on the sender to simply adjust to texting non-private info or not text at all.

I'm trying to imagine a friend asking me nicely, 'Is there anyway you can stop letting the rest of your family read your texts so I can send you private or possibly husband/child-inappropriate texts?' In other words, what I would hear is, 'Is there any way I can get you to change your family's dynamic in how you and they view the cell phones in your house?' Which I would respond to that as, 'I'm afraid that won't be possible.' Because I'm not going to inconvenience my family (and, frankly, me) so that the few people I exchange texts with will feel more comfortable sending any message they want.

I never presume to send private or inappropriate texts because my default assumption is that a spouse and/or kids or possibly visiting relatives may pick up the phone.

When giving a friend my cell number (and I don't hand it out to just anybody but usually friends) I would never think to add, 'BTW, my phone is shared by others in household so be careful of what you send.' That imaginary statement would assume a level of closeness that might not be there and I'm assuming that the friend would send possibly inappropriate messages. In my case, since this person is my friend, in regular contact with me and my family, then this friend would already have noted how things work in my family. My BFF's and family already know this.

Now in exchanges between BFF's once we're already texting each other we might tease each other in an adult way but, honestly, after more than a handful of texts I just hit 'send' and call my friend.

I would like to make it clear that one person masquerading as someone else is rude and possibly mean.

MOM21SON

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #23 on: December 07, 2012, 03:53:37 PM »
I want to clarify that Laura, the lunch friends daughter, was just on her mothers FB account.  My friend was not even home, which is why it was awhile before she called me.

The previous messages were related to raising boys vs girls, dealing with aging parents, stuff like that.

Edited to add, the first friend was via text messages and as I already stated, it was no mistake or being asked to by her mother.  I have seen her daughter grab her phone many many times when a text comes in.  Sometimes my friend has to "beg" her for the phone. ::)
« Last Edit: December 07, 2012, 03:56:26 PM by MOM21SON »

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #24 on: December 07, 2012, 07:06:28 PM »
Now, if I were to text a friend "How about Saturday for lunch?" and the response was "This is (friend's daughter).  I will ask her."  That would be OK.

I agree.  If I was communicating with a friend and didn't know that it wasn't him/her, I might say something I otherwise wouldn't.  Which could potentially be embarrassing.

Note to self:  presume all written communications could potentially make the front page of the newspaper at all times.

I'd be cool with that too.  DH and I have our own phones but since we don't have a landline, if his is ringing and I know the person calling (his folks) I'll answer it if he's not near his phone and I'll talk to them until I can bring it too him.   But then they recognize my voice so it's not really the same thing. Like others said, if the child was "taking dictation" while Mom was unable to text, I'd be okay with that.  Sometimes DH has asked me to text for him when he's driving and I admit I don't always say it's me doing so cause it doesn't really matter (ie talking about getting together for lunch with his coworker)

A friend of mine was sick once in the hospital and when I texted her to see how things were going, I got a reply saying "This is her sister, she's still in with the doctor, will keep you updated!"
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Sharnita

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #25 on: December 07, 2012, 07:10:43 PM »
In the OP's example it sounds like the DD was taking dictation.  As far as texting "This isn't so-and-so, this is her daughter", I have always seen texting as something fast and brief do adding that to a quick response about when/where/etc. seems like it goes against the whole texting concept to me. 

DavidH

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #26 on: December 07, 2012, 08:57:47 PM »
I always view text as best for messages such as running late, let's meet at the bar, that kind of thing, rather than deep conversations.  As a reply to I'll be 15 min late, I agree that you need to reply this isn't so and so, it's her daughter, since it's not a big deal.  On the other hand, if it's going to be a conversation on a more meaningful topic, then I think it is best to reveal who is reading the messages.  Kind of like I'd tell someone, you're on the speaker phone and so and so is here if that were the case. 

Lynn2000

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Re: Wait! Just who am I talking to????
« Reply #27 on: December 07, 2012, 11:10:48 PM »
So if I understand the current situation correctly, it was NOT the daughter relaying information directly from her mom (who was maybe doing the dishes or something like that), but rather the daughter directing a conversation while pretending (through omission) to be her mom. Right? The OP asked to reschedule their meeting, the daughter suggested Saturday, then had to end the conversation because she didn't know what specific time her mom would be free on Saturday. Obviously if her mom was readily available, she could've just asked her what time, and relayed the information back to the OP. But instead she got involved in a scheduling conversation for a third party whose schedule she didn't even know. That to me is quite intrusive and rude, not to mention random and weird.

Also, I think the OP said she sent "her friend" her Saturday schedule, which is what the daughter saw. What if the schedule included information that the friend knew about, but that the OP wasn't comfortable with her daughter knowing? Like, "I can't meet at 3pm because I have my AA meeting/marriage counseling/probation hearing then," or something.

I think it would be fine for the OP to mention this incident to her friend, maybe bring up "the confusion" that ensued when Laura started a scheduling conversation she couldn't finish, and ask if it would be better to just call from now on. Maybe get a feel for whether this was a regular thing or one-time occurrence, and if the mom was totally cool with it or if she was a little exasperated with her daughter. Unless she said she'd chastised her daughter for getting involved and pretending to be her, I think I would stick to phone calls from now on. As others have said, the friend can have whatever rules she wants for her own house, but if the OP isn't comfortable with them, she can use other methods.

Side note: My dad and I share an account for passworded website that includes messaging among members, and it's in his name. Often we both want to answer people who send us messages, which can get kind of confusing. I ALWAYS start my message by typing "(Lynn here)" and then sign my name at the end; and when I'm replying to someone for the first time, I ALWAYS start by saying, "Hi, this is Lynn, Bob's daughter who shares the account." It's more for clarity than anything else, but I also don't want anyone to feel like they don't know who they're "talking" to--it just seems more respectful.
~Lynn2000