Author Topic: Who gets the family documents? Update post 71  (Read 11795 times)

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crella

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2012, 06:43:01 AM »
For the sake of family harmony, you should give back to Cuz1.  It isn't your decision to make as a non-blood family member.  This should be between her and her brother.   Did Cuz2 assist in the care of the mother or was it all on Cuz1?

People become sentimental and reflective after losing a parent.  You said yourself that she cared for her mother before she died.   She could have been overwhelmed after caring for her mom and dealing with the death.   I think it would be really mean for you to hold onto the stuff.  It really isn't your decision to m.ake... your cousin could have still be in grief when she gave you the box. 

Sure, you could pull the 'she gave it to me, so it isn't hers anymore' card, but do you really want to tarnish family relations over something sentimental to her?  It is not our place to determine that and the kind thing to do is give her back the family momentos.

I don't know that the parent passed away, I think she was moved into a nursing home or assisted living. Even so , it's a tremendous emotional investment to do this kind of move.

Sharnita

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2012, 08:58:20 AM »
I don't think the chess set analogy is the best. Cuz2 has an intierest in genealogy that Cuz1 does not.  However, that does not mean Cuz1 has no interest in ny of these pictures and papers.  Genealogy is not the only motivation one would have for wanting those papers or photos - or at least the chance to see them.

Thipu1

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2012, 10:01:52 AM »
Personally, I'd tell the two siblings to decide between themselves which of them would be the recipient of the family documents. Then get back to me once they've decided upon who it will be.

Agreed.

I also agree with this.  You may be the temporary holder of the documents but the discussion really should be between Cuzz1 and Cuzz2. 

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #18 on: December 08, 2012, 10:31:50 AM »
For the sake of family harmony, you should give back to Cuz1.  It isn't your decision to make as a non-blood family member.  This should be between her and her brother.   Did Cuz2 assist in the care of the mother or was it all on Cuz1?

People become sentimental and reflective after losing a parent.  You said yourself that she cared for her mother before she died.   She could have been overwhelmed after caring for her mom and dealing with the death.   I think it would be really mean for you to hold onto the stuff.  It really isn't your decision to make... your cousin could have still be in grief when she gave you the box. 

Sure, you could pull the 'she gave it to me, so it isn't hers anymore' card, but do you really want to tarnish family relations over something sentimental to her?  It is not our place to determine that and the kind thing to do is give her back the family momentos.

You have misinterpreted the situation quite a bit.  I'm offended at being told it would be mean of me to do something that I quite clearly have no intention of doing. It is indeed my decision to make as to which cousin gets the original documents for their family, and it's a sticky situation, which is why I posted here.

I have not pulled the "she gave it to me, so it isn't hers anymore" card.  I don't know where you got that idea.

My "place" is to sort through the boxes of documents, to sort and catalog them, and to pass them on to their rightful owners, which has to be determined by me.  It will take a huge amount of time, effort, and expense to do this, but I'm happy to do it because I consider the documents to be an invaluable treasure.

An, as has been pointed out, Aunt did not die. She's in a nursing home.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

BarensMom

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2012, 10:46:45 AM »
Unless Aunt has stated otherwise, the documents belong equally to both her children.  If Aunt is still in her right mind, she should be the one to determine who gets the boxes.

Otherwise, I agree with a PP to let the siblings hash out who gets these documents.  Perhaps you could set up a time with both of them and let them go through the boxes together.  Do not give the boxes to one sibling or the other until they come to a mutual decision.

Another idea is to have Cuz2 come and look at the documents and let him take notes, take pictures with his phone, or drive him to Kinko's to copy the ones he really wants.
 

Queen of Clubs

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #20 on: December 08, 2012, 10:49:25 AM »
My "place" is to sort through the boxes of documents, to sort and catalog them, and to pass them on to their rightful owners, which has to be determined by me.  It will take a huge amount of time, effort, and expense to do this, but I'm happy to do it because I consider the documents to be an invaluable treasure.

An, as has been pointed out, Aunt did not die. She's in a nursing home.

Can you communicate with your Aunt?  If so, can you ask her who she'd prefer to have them?

If not, I'd go with giving them to Cuz2.  He's the one who'll be the primary custodian for any genealogical research, so it makes sense to give them to him.  It sounds to me (though I could be wrong) that it's not that Cuz1 wants the documents, she just doesn't want her brother to have them.

Sharnita

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #21 on: December 08, 2012, 10:51:23 AM »
That seems like an interesting and insulting assumption.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #22 on: December 08, 2012, 11:07:48 AM »
That seems like an interesting and insulting assumption.
. . . but not necessarily unwarranted.  I do think sibling rivalry or resentment may be a factor with Cuz1.

Aunt's mental state is iffy.  I was asked not to mention to her that the stuff had been given to me. 

Incidentally, everyone in this drama lives in a different city, not close to each other.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

Girlie

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2012, 11:24:57 AM »
My advice would be to wait it out. You've said already that there's tons of stuff to go through and you don't really know when you'll be done with it all. Would it be possible to just set the whole thing aside for the time being? If asked, you could just say you're "still sorting" or something.

In time, maybe Cuz1 will come to her senses. Or maybe Cuz2 will run away to a foreign country and learn a new language and become a professional turkey baster and you'll never see him again - problem solved, right?  ;)
Anyway, as emotions seem to be high right now, maybe just waiting it out for a bit would allow both cousins to process the current situation properly and in time, they can be allowed to go through the things together and determine who gets what.
 
If not.... I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help to you. :(

QuiltLady

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #24 on: December 08, 2012, 11:30:44 AM »
Cuz2 has just as much right to the documents as does Cuz1, in addition to him being the one that is willing and able to utilize them.  IMO, give them to Cuz2 and let them go through them together.  Cuz1 had a chance to see what exactly she was giving you and if they didn't mean anything to her at the time, why do they now?  Maybe just because Cuz2 wants them.

Reminds me of when my mother passed away.  There was something that was my grandmother's, that was given to my mother, and my older sister said that this should now be given to my mother's sister.  I said no.  Aunt has no more right to it than one of us girls do.  We are just as much of a relative of grandmother and it was given to our mother, not HER sister.

Sharnita

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #25 on: December 08, 2012, 11:47:42 AM »
But fidn't Cuz2 also have a chance to say"I'd like a chance to see pictures and documents when he found out his mom would be moving out and his sister would bw ckeaning the house? Maybe offer money for shipping/copies/help?

And just because Cuz1 wouldn't be using it for genealogy doesn't mean she wouldn't use/enjoy it.

Miss Unleaded

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #26 on: December 08, 2012, 01:05:21 PM »
I really think you should send them to Cuz1, as she was the one who was looking after your aunt and she is the one who went to the trouble and expense of sending the boxes to you.  She was probably stressed and short of time due to moving her mother into a home and that may be why she didn't look through them.  Photos and family documents are not the kind of thing that are only of interest to genealogists after all, and they are not the kind of thing that can easily be replaced.  You're indebted to Cuz1 as she took the time to get the boxes to you in the first place.  Honestly, I think it was a mistake to offer them to Cuz2 without discussing it with Cuz1 first.  If Cuz2 really wants the documents and photos he can sort it out with Cuz1 directly. 

O'Dell

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #27 on: December 08, 2012, 01:40:09 PM »
I told Cuz1 that if there were old family documents she didnít want, I would like to have them.

I think you should give anything you don't want back to Cuz1. You asked for "old family documents" for your own family. Anything you else you find in the boxes that doesn't fit that description should go back to the person that gave them to you. Since Cuz1 is taking on the responsibility of taking care of her mother's possessions, she should have them back to distribute them per her mother's wishes.

Also, I may have missed it but are you sure that Cuz2 will be the keeper of family documents for their family? Is it possible that there are relatives on your cousins side who you don't know that keep that sort of thing for their dad's family?
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
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sparksals

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #28 on: December 08, 2012, 01:49:06 PM »
Personally, I'd tell the two siblings to decide between themselves which of them would be the recipient of the family documents. Then get back to me once they've decided upon who it will be.

Agreed.

Yes, I like this better than my previous answer.  I still believe they should go back to immediate family, but agree it isn't your decision.

sparksals

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Re: Who gets the family documents?
« Reply #29 on: December 08, 2012, 01:58:06 PM »
For the sake of family harmony, you should give back to Cuz1.  It isn't your decision to make as a non-blood family member.  This should be between her and her brother.   Did Cuz2 assist in the care of the mother or was it all on Cuz1?

People become sentimental and reflective after losing a parent.  You said yourself that she cared for her mother before she died.   She could have been overwhelmed after caring for her mom and dealing with the death.   I think it would be really mean for you to hold onto the stuff.  It really isn't your decision to make... your cousin could have still be in grief when she gave you the box. 

Sure, you could pull the 'she gave it to me, so it isn't hers anymore' card, but do you really want to tarnish family relations over something sentimental to her?  It is not our place to determine that and the kind thing to do is give her back the family momentos.

You have misinterpreted the situation quite a bit.  I'm offended at being told it would be mean of me to do something that I quite clearly have no intention of doing. It is indeed my decision to make as to which cousin gets the original documents for their family, and it's a sticky situation, which is why I posted here.

I have not pulled the "she gave it to me, so it isn't hers anymore" card.  I don't know where you got that idea.

My "place" is to sort through the boxes of documents, to sort and catalog them, and to pass them on to their rightful owners, which has to be determined by me.  It will take a huge amount of time, effort, and expense to do this, but I'm happy to do it because I consider the documents to be an invaluable treasure.

An, as has been pointed out, Aunt did not die. She's in a nursing home.

You are misinterpreting and taking offense when none was intended. 

They are not your documents to decide.  This is a sentimental family issue and as others stated, should be duked out by the siblings.  The pulling the card statement was not meant as you took it.  Here at Ehell, we discuss all the time that once a gift is received, it is 'yours' to do with as you wish.  However, given the sentimentality and familial harmony issue here, it would be mean for you to hold onto them.  Whomever you decide to give them to, the other will resent you. 

As you stated they are THEIR family documents.  Not yours.  Given the stress of Cuz1 dealing with her ailing mom (sorry, I did get that part wrong... reading on a phone is difficult at times), I can see why she made a rash decision giving them to you. 

The point is, even if Cuz2 is interested in geneaology, it is not your decision, even if Cuz1 gave them to you.  The two siblings should discuss and decide.  Otherwise, no matter what you choose, you will be the bad guy to the non-chosen one.