How to handle? Time - sensitive

[Morticia]

I don't think Suzanne is off the hook here. She knows she has't been invited by a host, so she contacts one of the hosts and asks to be invited. I don't see how that's okay. Still, a simple I'm sorry, Arno should not be inviting people. Another time, perhaps. might have headed off the confusion.

[Penguin_ar]

In terms of your future relationship with Suzanne, I would just be polite with her at group parties- you don't need to spend much time chatting-, but be busy/ have other plans when she invites you to an event for just the two of you or a small group.

[VorFemme]

Another possibility would probably be to explain to her if she asks(i know...JADEing is something E-hellions do not recommend) that you'd preffer to spend less time with Suzanna because your personalities clash, but that you'd like to continue your friendhip with her.  But doing that could result in Tessa telling Suzanna.

I'd go with something less likely to cause drama - "we just don't have a lot in common" would be one possible phrasing.  It isn't that you don't LIKE her or dislike her - there just isn't any common ground for a friendship to develop & deepen here.  She is an acquaintance - " a friend of a friend".  Nothing beyond that.

[LifeOnPluto]

Wow... there are several issues going on here:

1. Arno was certainly very rude to invite other people when he's not the host. You and Tim would be well within your rights to tell him not to do it again. (And if he does do it again, don't invite him to any more parties).

2. I don't think Suzanne was rude to ask you if it was ok for her to attend the party. It's possible Arno told her "Of course the hosts would love you to come!" but she just wanted to get clarification from you first.

3. That said, I do think Suzanne is being rude for writing passive-aggressive messages on Facebook about you "letting her" attend.

4. You were slightly rude in (a) not clearly telling Suzanne whether she could or couldn't attend; and (b) not discussing it with Tim first (after all, he's your co-host, and has a right to consider any potential additional guests).


It sounds like you've already decided to allow Suzanne to attend and just put up with her. What does Tim think about this? Is he ok with Suzanne attending?

[Slartibartfast]

1) Put on your most polite smile and try to enjoy the event even with Suzanne there.  You don't hate her, you just like her better in small doses, right?  So a one-day thing shouldn't be all that bad if you can ignore the history going into it.

2) If you're not comfortable talking to Arno, confide in Tessa how this put you in a bad situation.  Don't explicitly tell her to pass on your complaint or anything, but you can let her know that you're uneasy about this party including people you don't even know and how you know next time you do this you're going to have to be more explicit about who is invited and who isn't.  Yes, this is a bit of a passive-aggressive alternative to talking to Arno directly, but if Arno and Tessa are in a long-term relationship they are effectively a social unit (which translates to a hosting unit) and she'll need to be in the loop too.

3) Talk to Tim so you're on the same page re: Suzanne, Arno, and Arno's mysterious friend.  If Tim is closer friends with Arno, he could talk to him directly - but if not, you can at least make sure you're not giving mixed messages while you host.

[Shopaholic]

I don't think I'm ready to condemn Arno yet for inviting some more people. Some social circles are more casual, and some hosts have a "the more the merrier" mentality.
I'm saying this, but I don't know the nature of the get-together the OP is hosting.
I know in my circle this is not unheard of, but usually before inviting a third person the inviter talks to the hosts. Maybe Arno intended to talk to the OP and forgot, and maybe he talked to Tim.

I would probably be very upset if a friend invited a person I do not like to an even I am organizing. I understand why you reacted the way you did, OP - I would feel very put on the spot in such a situation.

For now I think your best course of action would be to be a polite and gracious hostess, say hello, smile politely at her and move along.

[Isilleke]

Thanks for all replies!

It went reasonably well. The extra guy Arno invited couldn't come after all neither could Tessa (for reasons I understand but won't mention for her privacy), so it was just Suzanne, Tim, Arno and me. Tim and I have not spoken about it, although I do believe that he wasn't too happy about Arno inviting the two extra people, since he's kind of an introvert and does prefer his outings to be with people he knows.

Apart from that, it went well! We went out to get a drink before the movie started and Arno explained the reasons why Tessa couldn't come, which really dictated the conversation a lot, but not in a bad way. After the movie ended we all went straight home since it was already past midnight.

Suzanne didn't make any comments so that went well.

For the same reasons that Tessa couldn't come to the movies, they also cancelled the New Years Eve party. Someone else did invite everyone to his home the day after, but seeing as I already had made other plans in the mean time as well as not knowing this third person all that well, I felt that I could graciously decline and wished them much fun.