Author Topic: How to handle? Time - sensitive  (Read 4731 times)

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Isilleke

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How to handle? Time - sensitive
« on: December 09, 2012, 04:04:58 PM »
Hello,

My apologies for starting my own thread so quickly after joining, but I'm in a real pickle. I invited some people to a little gettogether this Friday. Nothing fancy, but we were with 2 organisators.

/BG. I have this friend (let's call him Arno) who always plans everything. His girlfriend Tessa was saying to me how she wishes someone else would do it from time to time. As luck would have it another mutual friend (Tim) and I already were thinking about doing just that. eng BG/

/BG 2. A couple of months ago I went city tripping with Tessa and Suzanne. Suzanne and I are very different people and what I feared could happen, did indeed happen. I was very frustrated with her after this trip. I recognized that it wasn't anyone's fault and that it's better for us to just meet for a couple of hours at a time instead of a couple of days. So I took a huge step backwards because if I didn't, my frustrations would have just grown for no reason. End BG2./

Now, Tim and Suzanne are not friends. They do know each other socially, but would never ever do something together. This coupled with me knowing that there was a little bit of disagreement between Suzanne and Arno, when we were talking about whom to invite, I didn't say Suzanne.
So we made a facebookinvite (private, so no one who isn't actually invited can see it) and what happens.... Arno invites Suzanne (and another guy whom neither Tim nor I know! Tim has never even seen this other guy and I have met him once.)
While I'm annoyed with Arno for this, I don't think he really has been in the position of being the invitee instead of the invitor before and don't feel like I can tell him that it's inappropiate. Especially because he's more Tim's friend and I'm actually friends with Tessa.

But now I got several text from Suzanne asking me if I would mind if she would come because she noticed I didn't invite her. I answered with "Tim and I decided together, but go ahead" and she asked me again if I wouldn't mind and then I said "I didn't think you'd know these people, but do what you want". (A little parafrased).
And now on facebook she has been putting the same remark over and over again namely: "I'm coming if Isilleke lets me". I have consequently been deleting these and it appears Facebook has been telling her now she can't post.
But I'm seriously peeved because of this. I feel that Arno has put me in a difficult spot for doing something that wasn't his to do, but Suzanne even more so because of stating the same over and over again.

How can I handle this best? At the moment I'm just ignoring her and making sure that that comment doesn't stay up. I already know I will have to spend New Years Eve with her (it's at Arno and Tessa's house) so I can't make this a big deal, but I honestly don't plan on making any more contact with her after that.

If anyone wants more details, just ask, but I have the feeling it's already pretty long as it is.

guihong

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2012, 04:13:17 PM »
I think Suzanne was trying to give you an out, and was actually acting graciously (until the FB comments), but you were a bit snippy.  If she comes, just try not to deal with her too much (after all, it's really a couple of hours).  After the party, you can have a word with Arno about not inviting her again.



Hmmmmm

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2012, 04:18:32 PM »
Once Suzanne contacted you, it was your obligliagation to clearly state if she was invited.  "If you want" would not be clear to me.  You should text her and state, "yes, please join us" or "Sorry, we were having a small group this time.  See you New Years"

Penguin_ar

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2012, 04:20:51 PM »
It may be because English isn't your first language (mine neither!), but you come across as rather rude and confusing.  It wasn't Suzanne's fault she was invited by someone else, and when she asked you about it, you didn't either graciously invite her or tell her politely she was not invited.   So while the repeated (group?) message saying she'll come if you let her was a little odd, you can;t really blame her for that, she needed clarification and unless you told her you deleted her comment, how was she to know it wasn't just a Facebook issue that her comment kept disappearing?  Facebook has had a lot of issues like that.

I think you should PM her and explain that she is not invited to this event, as it is for specific people, but that you will see her at New Years.

jedikaiti

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2012, 04:21:21 PM »
Don't wait, have the chat with Arno now about not inviting people. Do it now, before he thinks of someone else he wants to invite. When he's the host he can invite whoever he wants, but this is your party, and he needs to get permission before bringing random people. If you want, you can request that he rescind the invite to the random person you don't know - it's not rude of you, because you weren't the person who invited them.

Suzanne seemed nice enough about it until the PA FB comments. You can invite her or not.
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Isilleke

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2012, 04:25:57 PM »
Hi,

I admit I did not handle the text messages well. The first time I answered this: "It doesn't matter to me, it was more because Tim and I decided together :). So say yes :D!.

After this she responded "so actually no?". And then I sent her "Ofcourse you can, I just didn't think you knew the people invited".

I will give a bit more bg later, but at the moment I feel it would colour opinions and I do really want an objective point of view  :).

And yes, English isn't my first language.

Edited to add:
On facebook I have not responded at all, just kept on deleting the posts.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2012, 04:31:22 PM by Isilleke »

Deetee

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2012, 04:38:46 PM »
Once Suzanne contacted you, it was your obligliagation to clearly state if she was invited.  "If you want" would not be clear to me.  You should text her and state, "yes, please join us" or "Sorry, we were having a small group this time.  See you New Years"

Exactly this. You invite someone or you don't invite someone. You don't issue an invite in a fashion where you try to invite someone in a fashion such that they do not come (which is what you seemed to be trying to do).

An invite is a full ungrudging invite to a person or you just don't invite them and you let them know.

(I know there is a bunch of back story but it is actually irrelevent. Once someone asks if they are invited you can answer "Yes, absolutely" or "No, not this time". Those are the only available options.)

mrs_deb

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2012, 04:42:34 PM »
So you and Tim planned a shindig, didn't invite Suzanne, and yet Arno invited her - to a party that's not his own?  I think that was rude of Arno in the first place, and he should be told to cut it out before he invites anyone else!

bopper

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2012, 04:55:09 PM »
Can Facebook make it so you can set it so that an invitee cannot invite someone else?

You can now say to Suzanne that you are sorry that you had given her a vague answer before because this is such an awkward situation.  You and Tim mutually made up the list and she was not invited. You are sorry that Arno mentioned this to her because it was not his place and made things very awkward.

Also I would tell Tim that he put you in an awkward situation...he told someone about the party that was not invited. THis is not his party, this is your's and Tims and you will invite people who should be invited. If he ever thinks there is an oversight he can send you a private message about it, but itis up to the HOSTS to invite people.

Isilleke

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2012, 05:02:03 PM »
Hi,

Yes, Arno did just that. He invited people to a get together that wasn't his own. He even invited another person whom neither Tim or I know.
I did see that option of nog being able to invite someone, but at that moment couldn't click it yet, because Tim still had to invite a couple of people and.

I admit I should have been more clear with her. Now I realize I was doing just that: trying to convey that I don't want you to come without actually having to tell you which totally backfired. Which is my fault and I do have to learn how to handle this.

I agree that more BG is probably irrelevant, although there is one thing that I do want to explain. Suzanne is someone who doesn't take no for an answer. More than that, I did say no in Londen a few times and every single time she would ask me and Tessa at least 5 times if something was wrong. Even when it was a really stupid question (I can't think of an example right now), just that SHE didn't expect a no.
Just as now, she keeps asking Tessa every time they meet if she has heard anything from me instead of asking me. I don't like that kind of behaviour because it puts Tessa in the middle of something she doesn't belong.

I do admit, I can get pretty irritated when people keep on asking me the same question, so that probably didn't work in my favor.

I know that, if I tell her "no you cannot come" she will run to Tessa and ask her all kind of things and I really want to avoid that.

Shoo

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2012, 05:23:35 PM »
Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to take the high road this time and just tell Suzanne that yes, of course you'd love for her to come (even if you don't).  Like someone above said, it's not her fault Arno invited her.  Making her choose to come or not is avoiding the issue and placing the burden on her, which is not where it belongs. 

So I think you're going to have to suck it up, get through (and try to enjoy) your event, and make sure Arno knows without a shadow of a doubt that when he is NOT the host, he doesn't get to invite anyone.  That's the host's job, and while you understand he's not accustomed to being in the role of invited guest, he needs to remember this very important rule.

So, in a nut shell, get through this with graciousness, and actively make sure it doesn't happen again in the future.

Alpacas

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2012, 05:34:32 PM »
As i see it you can do three things.

1) Tell Arno to apologize to Suzanna for inviting her, as he isn't the host and can't simply invite others to a party. (this depends on how good you're friends with him.)

2) Take the high road, as Shoo suggested, and tell Suzanna she is of course invited.

3) Call her up and tell her "I am sorry Suzanna. We're having just a small party this time and  we did not plan on having more over. See you at the New Years party"


Isilleke

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive (UPDATE post 12)
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2012, 05:54:58 PM »
Suzanne has accepted on FB, so I will take the high road (from now on, because it is clear to me now that I didn't do that while texting).

I am not really such good friends with Arno, more with his girlfriend Tessa and honestly would not feel comfortable telling him that I do not appreciate what he did. For me, it's also different because Tim and I are hosting instead of it being just me.

In any case, I will just grit my teeth and be pleasant, because she can be nice and I do believe that most of what she's doing is just how she acts.

But I do have another question.

Seeing this and a couple of others things that have happened in the past few months, I do feel like it would be best for me to not continue this friendship.  I do have to see her at New Years Eve and will probably see her everytime Arno and Tessa organize something. How do I handle this best?

Keeping in mind that whatever I do, does affect Tessa a great deal, because she will have to deal with Suzanne's behaviour over me not being there anymore. Is it best to also cool things with Tessa, so she doesn't get stuck in the middle? I don't really want to because I like Tessa a lot, but I also know since she's friend with Suzanne she will be getting a lot of pressure from Suzanne.


Bijou

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive (UPDATE post 12)
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2012, 06:22:55 PM »
Suzanne has accepted on FB, so I will take the high road (from now on, because it is clear to me now that I didn't do that while texting).

I am not really such good friends with Arno, more with his girlfriend Tessa and honestly would not feel comfortable telling him that I do not appreciate what he did. For me, it's also different because Tim and I are hosting instead of it being just me.

In any case, I will just grit my teeth and be pleasant, because she can be nice and I do believe that most of what she's doing is just how she acts.

But I do have another question.

Seeing this and a couple of others things that have happened in the past few months, I do feel like it would be best for me to not continue this friendship.  I do have to see her at New Years Eve and will probably see her everytime Arno and Tessa organize something. How do I handle this best?

Keeping in mind that whatever I do, does affect Tessa a great deal, because she will have to deal with Suzanne's behaviour over me not being there anymore. Is it best to also cool things with Tessa, so she doesn't get stuck in the middle? I don't really want to because I like Tessa a lot, but I also know since she's friend with Suzanne she will be getting a lot of pressure from Suzanne.
I assume you are not very close or invested in your relationship with Tessa if you are willing to pull back from your friendship with her because she has a friend you don't get along with or don't care to be around.  It doesn't sound like you are that close, so maybe she won't notice the change.  I'd be prepared with something if she does and asks about it. 
« Last Edit: December 09, 2012, 06:27:26 PM by Bijou »
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Alpacas

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Re: How to handle? Time - sensitive
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2012, 06:29:00 PM »

Seeing this and a couple of others things that have happened in the past few months, I do feel like it would be best for me to not continue this friendship.  I do have to see her at New Years Eve and will probably see her everytime Arno and Tessa organize something. How do I handle this best?
Just be friendly when you see her during get togethers. No one will force you to hang out with her. And if someone invites you to a party where she'll be you can always politely decline with a " I'm sorry but I won't be able to attend." Just gradually remove yourself from her social circle.

Keeping in mind that whatever I do, does affect Tessa a great deal, because she will have to deal with Suzanne's behaviour over me not being there anymore. Is it best to also cool things with Tessa, so she doesn't get stuck in the middle? I don't really want to because I like Tessa a lot, but I also know since she's friend with Suzanne she will be getting a lot of pressure from Suzanne.

I think this is a bit tricky. The easiest way would be to cool down the friendship with her as well.

This lower portion was something i've written earlier but i am not really sure about it. There are much wiser e-hellioons with much better suggestions for this.

Another possibility would probably be to explain to her if she asks(i know...JADEing is something E-hellions do not recommend) that you'd preffer to spend less time with Suzanna because your personalities clash, but that you'd like to continue your friendhip with her.  But doing that could result in Tessa telling Suzanna.