Author Topic: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore? Another Question #7  (Read 3439 times)

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dirtyweasel

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Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore? Another Question #7
« on: December 09, 2012, 04:16:22 PM »
Background:  DH's little sister is about to break up with her boyfriend of a few years, but she is waiting until the end of the week so that she can finish her finals.  She's waiting because they live together and she'll have to move out of their shared apartment back into her parents house.  She's breaking up with him because they have been dating since a young age and they have both changed as people (although it's very obvious that boyfriend is still very much in love with her).  At this point, little sister has told the family that she is breaking up with the boyfriend so everyone basically knows except for the boyfriend.  I'm not happy that I was told, but I didn't say anything because it's not my business.  My husbands family does not really like the boyfriend so they are all gung-ho for the breakup, particularly little sisters mother (MIL) who is very vocal in her dislike of boyfriend.

DH's has a best friend whom he has been friends with for many years going back to high school.  Everyone loves him and he's considered a family friend as he comes over for family gatherings all the time. 

Also, all parties involved in this soap opera are in their twenties. 

End background.

The problem?  Little sister confided to me that she and best friend have been texting each other for the past few weeks.  Little sister went on to tell me that she confessed to best friend that she has a crush on him and apparently he told her the same thing.  They've been texting each other continuously since then although she didn't tell me what the nature of the texts were.  She also lives by where he works (retail of a sort) so she's been visiting him at work quite a lot.

I asked little sister if she had told the family about what had been happening with best friend and apparently her mother (my MIL) and sister (my other SIL) were extremely happy and can't wait for them to start dating.  On top of that, little sister told me last night that her and best friend are pretty much dating except for the fact that she is still dating boyfriend.  When she told me this last night I didn't trust myself to say anything polite to her so I just asked a bunch of questions and let her know that she is always welcome at our house.

To say that I am angry and disappointed would be an understatement.  I told my husband about everything that had happened and what his little sister had said to me and he agreed that something needed to be done, but we don't know what.

Do we talk to friend, do we talk to little sister?  Do we not say anything and let the chips fall where they will?  We hang out with best friend all the time and have him over at our house quite a lot, but at this point I'm not ever sure I can be civil with him.  What do we do?           

« Last Edit: December 09, 2012, 06:13:24 PM by dirtyweasel »



guihong

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2012, 04:21:12 PM »
You stay out of it.  It all sounds very chatty about others' business, so you don't speak of it or do anything.  I also think your DH should reevaluate his relationship with his friend (assuming friend knows your sister is living with another man).  Things like this have a way of biting everyone involved in the keister.



Hmmmmm

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2012, 04:28:25 PM »
I'm not sure what you can do.  I agree their behavior is bad. Informing everyone that you are moving out on your boyfriend prior to letting him know seems to be very juvenile.  I understand her sharing with her parents because of needing to make living arrangements, but the rest of the family doesn't need to be engaged.  And then also sharing with the family that she is already beginning a new relationship is just wrong. 

I'd be serving lots of bean dip and not engaging in discussions with either of them about their relationship

My DH lost his best friend after he and DHs little sister decided to start dating and it ended badly.  I hope this doesn't occur this time.

yokozbornak

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2012, 04:40:22 PM »
I would stay out of it because they are both adults, but I would also let Little Sis know that you cannot be her sounding board in this situation. I can understand your disappointment in both of them, but at this point, you only know Little Sis's version o events.  It's possible that she's told best friend that she and her boyfriend have already broken up and she's just waiting to move out, etc., so I wouldn't villianize him until you know his version of events.


gen xer

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2012, 04:52:07 PM »
Why people get others involved in their personal relationships to such an extent is beyond me.  It is for her to sort out and not for anyone else to interfere.  I understand that everyone needs a confidant but she sounds like she has drawn in everyone and their brother....and now you are in an awkward position.

Nobody knows what really goes in in other people's relationships and I have always found that people don't really want advice - they want support, validation maybe....but not advice.  Most people do exactly what they want to do. 

It is her job to manage her relationships and the fallout.

Hope it goes OK!!!

bopper

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2012, 04:58:26 PM »
They aren't married...she is emotionally cheating on a BF. Not awesome behavior but I don't think you need to "Talk to Her"...maybe something more informal.  At least she is going to tell him instead of him just figuring it out. Maybe she is doing him a favor to if she is waiting until after finals if he also has finals.

MOM21SON

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2012, 05:40:11 PM »
Why people get others involved in their personal relationships to such an extent is beyond me.  It is for her to sort out and not for anyone else to interfere.  I understand that everyone needs a confidant but she sounds like she has drawn in everyone and their brother....and now you are in an awkward position.

Nobody knows what really goes in in other people's relationships and I have always found that people don't really want advice - they want support, validation maybe....but not advice.  Most people do exactly what they want to do. 

It is her job to manage her relationships and the fallout.

Hope it goes OK!!!

POD.  My mind is boggled.  Did you and sis have a chatty relationship always?  I really don't think this is your problem.  Tell Sis it's for her to figure out.

dirtyweasel

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2012, 06:13:02 PM »
I have a great relationship with little sister and she is always coming to me for advice and just to talk so her confiding in me wasn't unusual.  It's just unfortunate because this was something that I REALLY didn't need to know and I wish I had been left out of it. 

Actually, I'm glad I talked to you guys because you're all right...I need to ignore what's going on and I need to bean dip if she asks for advice. 

I do have one question that my husband brought up.  Husband is now worried that his friendship might be in danger if little sister and best friend start dating and it ends badly.  Do you guys think there might be a way for husband to say something to little sister like, "Hey...this is my best friend and I don't want to lose my friendship with him if something bad happens between the two of you."



CaptainObvious

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2012, 06:20:03 PM »
I have a great relationship with little sister and she is always coming to me for advice and just to talk so her confiding in me wasn't unusual.  It's just unfortunate because this was something that I REALLY didn't need to know and I wish I had been left out of it. 

Actually, I'm glad I talked to you guys because you're all right...I need to ignore what's going on and I need to bean dip if she asks for advice. 

I do have one question that my husband brought up.  Husband is now worried that his friendship might be in danger if little sister and best friend start dating and it ends badly.  Do you guys think there might be a way for husband to say something to little sister like, "Hey...this is my best friend and I don't want to lose my friendship with him if something bad happens between the two of you."

No, because a statement like that leads the other person to think you believe the relationship won't last. It is just best to just say nothing.

JenJay

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore? Another Question #7
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2012, 06:21:00 PM »
If anything I think he should tell them both "I'm happy if you guys are happy, but please know that I don't want to be involved in your relationships at all. Please don't come to me for advice about each other, complain to me about each other, ask me to pass messages back and forth if you're arguing, etc. I love you both, I'm close to you both, and that's the way I hope it stays for the rest of my life regardless of where you two go from here!"

They aren't married...she is emotionally cheating on a BF. Not awesome behavior but I don't think you need to "Talk to Her"...maybe something more informal.  At least she is going to tell him instead of him just figuring it out. Maybe she is doing him a favor to if she is waiting until after finals if he also has finals.

I agree with bopper. She's being immature and disrespectful of her relationship (and Best Friend is, too, if he's aware she isn't technically single yet) but that's between the three of them.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2012, 06:25:14 PM »
I have a great relationship with little sister and she is always coming to me for advice and just to talk so her confiding in me wasn't unusual.  It's just unfortunate because this was something that I REALLY didn't need to know and I wish I had been left out of it. 

Actually, I'm glad I talked to you guys because you're all right...I need to ignore what's going on and I need to bean dip if she asks for advice. 

I do have one question that my husband brought up.  Husband is now worried that his friendship might be in danger if little sister and best friend start dating and it ends badly.  Do you guys think there might be a way for husband to say something to little sister like, "Hey...this is my best friend and I don't want to lose my friendship with him if something bad happens between the two of you."
Well, my DH said that to both his best friend and sister when they started dating and they both agreed that their relationship wouldn't impact DH and his friendship. In reality, my DH has not had any contact with this former friend in 16 years who had been the best man at our wedding and was my DD godfather.  We were both close to his family too, his sister was a bridesmaid at our wedding and his mom referred to DH as her second son, and claimed our DD as her first grandchild.  Though we stayed close with them for a few years it ended up just becoming too awkward on all sides and we lost contact with them too. 

Deetee

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2012, 06:36:26 PM »
I do have one question that my husband brought up.  Husband is now worried that his friendship might be in danger if little sister and best friend start dating and it ends badly.  Do you guys think there might be a way for husband to say something to little sister like, "Hey...this is my best friend and I don't want to lose my friendship with him if something bad happens between the two of you."

Nope.
That would be beyond out of place and also would be completely useless.

(maybe, maybe he can say something casual to his best friend, maybe-but anything like that should really just wait for any actual break up)

gen xer

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore? Another Question #7
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2012, 06:42:52 PM »
If anything I think he should tell them both "I'm happy if you guys are happy, but please know that I don't want to be involved in your relationships at all. Please don't come to me for advice about each other, complain to me about each other, ask me to pass messages back and forth if you're arguing, etc. I love you both, I'm close to you both, and that's the way I hope it stays for the rest of my life regardless of where you two go from here!"

They aren't married...she is emotionally cheating on a BF. Not awesome behavior but I don't think you need to "Talk to Her"...maybe something more informal.  At least she is going to tell him instead of him just figuring it out. Maybe she is doing him a favor to if she is waiting until after finals if he also has finals.

I agree with bopper. She's being immature and disrespectful of her relationship (and Best Friend is, too, if he's aware she isn't technically single yet) but that's between the three of them.

I think JenJay is spot on with what to say in regards to what to say about a relationship between two people you are close to that could potentially go sour.It shows you care about them but that you aren't going to be anyone's partisan and it puts the responsibility for their relationship exactly where it belongs - on the two of them free from interference.

It really frosts my cornflakes when a relationship / marriage is having difficulties or breaking up and I hear people jumping on the bandwagon and getting righteously indignant on behalf of whoever's side they have taken up arms for.  You don't always know what is going on in the internal functions of that relationship


TurtleDove

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore? Another Question #7
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2012, 07:01:10 PM »
Stay out of it.  I abhor cheating, but the best way to damage your relationship with little sister is to get involved. 

wolfie

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Re: Time to Meddle or Time to Ignore?
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2012, 07:03:03 PM »
I have a great relationship with little sister and she is always coming to me for advice and just to talk so her confiding in me wasn't unusual.  It's just unfortunate because this was something that I REALLY didn't need to know and I wish I had been left out of it. 

Actually, I'm glad I talked to you guys because you're all right...I need to ignore what's going on and I need to bean dip if she asks for advice. 

I do have one question that my husband brought up.  Husband is now worried that his friendship might be in danger if little sister and best friend start dating and it ends badly.  Do you guys think there might be a way for husband to say something to little sister like, "Hey...this is my best friend and I don't want to lose my friendship with him if something bad happens between the two of you."

I don't think there is anyway you can say something like that. You are basically asking her not to date his best friend - if she thinks they are a match why would she give it up? Also it is too late for that anyway - you said they are basically dating.