Need "Firm but Nice" Wording Suggestions UPDATE 39

[bopper]

Asumptions:
Clearly you are feeling anxious about the rehearsal dinner issue.
You want it figured out.
You also think it reasonable that your out of town grandparent and siblings are invited. 
Your ILs want to keep costs down, so may not be so keen on inviting tons of people.
You are having a rehearsal.

Only Lukas knows if his parents most likely will get something organized.   If he thinks they will, then
What I would suggest is to tell Lukas that although his parents are hosting, you very much would like your siblings and grandp/ma invited as they are travelling from out of town.  Ask if he thinks it okay if he suggests that to his parents, but also offering the $$ to cover them.
See if they think that reasonable. If so,
Then you tell your people: "We are having a rehearsal at 4:00 on DaybeforeWdding.  Lukas' parents are hosting a rehearsal dinner afterward. I will give you more details when we get closer."

At this point, if you think it likely that they will host SOMETHING then this is good enough for now.

[camlan]

At this point, I'd give Lukas's parents a firm deadline to have a plan. Any plan. Probably Lukas should be the one to deliver this message. Just be firm and direct. "We need to know the plan for the rehearsal dinner by Tuesday at 9 pm. If there isn't a plan by then, we will take over the responsibility for the rehearsal dinner."

It's usually not polite to tell someone who to invite to a dinner that they are hosting, but in this case, I think it is okay to inform the in-laws that your siblings and grandparents need to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. The in-laws can work with a larger number of people, they will just have to scale back the nature of the party keep within the same budget. Or the OP can offer to pay for them. But to plan the rehearsal dinner and include all the groom's extended family (grandparents) while excluding relatives of the same degree on the bride's side as well as excluding her siblings is, to me, pretty rude.

[steelstress]

Since they're having so much "trouble" getting this together, help them!  Make up a list of guests you simply must invite, and the time you would need to accommodate them (your parents).  Give the list to fiance, and he can handle it from there with his parents.  Or you can simply hand them the list with a big sweet smile and thank you, and if they need your help, to feel free to call you!  A great big thank you again!

[camlan]

I just want to be told "There will be a dinner. It will be at 8 pm on [date]. We will email/ call [names]." My parents are not arriving until 5 pm by plane for the wedding at the rehearsal is at 630. Marta has said "Oh, we thought of doing a rehearsal lunch because a lunch is cheaper at a restaurant." In that case, my parents will not even be there.

When Marta makes a clearly unworkable suggestion, such as a lunch which would prevent your parents from attending, it is perfectly all right to point this out to her. "Oh, Marta, that sounds lovely and I know you are trying to keep costs down, but a lunch won't work because my parents can't be there." (I'd be biting my tongue to stop myself from adding, "A lunch would have worked if you had *planned* a lunch early enough so they could have reserved an earlier flight.")

And hopefully, your fiance will chime in with, "Oh, mother dearest, we can't have the rehearsal dinner without Lisen's family. A lunch would have been nice, but at this point, we have to have something after the rehearsal."

If Marta is trying to sneak your parents off the guest list, at least force to admit this out loud.

[lisen]

Since they're having so much "trouble" getting this together, help them!  Make up a list of guests you simply must invite, and the time you would need to accommodate them (your parents).  Give the list to fiance, and he can handle it from there with his parents.  Or you can simply hand them the list with a big sweet smile and thank you, and if they need your help, to feel free to call you!  A great big thank you again!

I gave them a list on October 1st.

[melissa024]

In my opinion, the first thing is for you to decide is whether a rehearsal dinner without your parents and family is acceptable to you. If I am reading correctly, your future MIL is instating an "out of town relatives only" in cases where it benefits her side and "in town only" policy where it benefits her. If your parents, siblings and grandparents being excluded iss a deal breaker, then the late planning doesnt really matter anyway.

I think you should decide your dealbreakers, and you and your fiance decide the best way to communicate with them. If they will not be able to accomodate this, you can gently let them know that you will handle it. If they are willing to compromise on these, then I think you can broach the issue of timing and planning.

It may well be that they have realized they have bitten off more than they can chew and will be relieved to have you take over.

[lisen]

It may well be that they have realized they have bitten off more than they can chew and will be relieved to have you take over.

That's very fair. I would be anxious to take over the project, frankly. My concern is that my in-laws' feelings will be hurt if I tell them "I think you need help with this project". I want a way to tell them that we are very willing to take over the project. (Which is actually what my question was about in the first place.) I want to sound like I am doing this to lessen the burden to them, rather than saying that I think they are terrible people who couldn't organise their way out of a paper bag.

[melissa024]

I dont know if its the best way, but if it were me I would broach it as "having them there is really important to me and they need time to plan. I know this places some extra burden on you guys and is a lot to ask, so we  totally understand and can take care of this if that is just too much". You will pick your battles in marriage. For me having my family there would be a battle I would choose but placing the blame on them would not.

[JenJay]

I am already confused.  Were they doing the wedding invites also?

Especially when I found out that Marta has invited all four of Lukas' grandparents, but has not seen fit to include my one living grandparent.

Sorry if this wasn't clear. We are paying for our own wedding and we invited the guests ourselves. I was referring to the rehersal dinner, to which Marta intends to invite her sister and brother-in-law, her parents, her husband's parents, etc., but does not want to invite my grandparent or my siblings "who aren't in the wedding".

She seems to think that paying for your rehearsal dinner means she gets to turn it into a mini family reunion. I'd have Lukas contact her and say "Mom, it's important that Lisen's extended family be at the rehearsal dinner too, and I know that is extra work and expense you and Dad weren't planning on, so Lisen and I have decided to handle it ourselves." If you ask to take it over you are opening the door for them to refuse you. Don't ask, inform. Then get busy booking a venue and sending invitations because the more you get done the less there is for her to argue about.

I'm sorry they dropped the ball. That must be incredibly frustrating, especially so close to The Big Day.

[Rusty]

Although I don't know much about Rehearsal Dinners as they are not something that happens in my part of the world, it sounds to me like Marta got carried away and offered to have one without really thinking about the implications, ie., the cost and how many people would be likely to attend.  I would not be attending any Dinner that did not include my siblings, grandparent etc., and I would get DF to inform Marta of that fact.  I think you should try to keep out of the negotiations with Marta as much as possible, don't forget she's going to be the MIL shortly.  I think in your current situation I'd get DF to offer Marta an out, tell her you will arrange something so she doesn't have to get all stressed out about it, but that you would both accept a contribution  to the costs involved.  The part about only inviting her family strikes me as a handy opportunity for a family get together, for her family only.

[Lynn2000]

It may well be that they have realized they have bitten off more than they can chew and will be relieved to have you take over.

That's very fair. I would be anxious to take over the project, frankly. My concern is that my in-laws' feelings will be hurt if I tell them "I think you need help with this project". I want a way to tell them that we are very willing to take over the project. (Which is actually what my question was about in the first place.) I want to sound like I am doing this to lessen the burden to them, rather than saying that I think they are terrible people who couldn't organise their way out of a paper bag.

Perhaps you and Lukas could basically plan it all out (without doing anything irrevocable yet) and then tell his parents, "Oh, we know you guys were going to handle it, but then we saw the best little restaurant and decided we would love to have the RD there! Would you mind terribly if we just went ahead and booked it?" Be prepared to pay for it yourself, but open to the idea of them writing a check if you handle all the arrangements--they may find that suits them better, if they aren't good at organizing things. So that way you aren't saying, "We're taking this job away from you guys because you can't handle it!" You're saying, "Oh, we've got a wonderful idea, do you mind if we just go ahead and do it?"

Then you can invite who you want to invite as well. Perhaps be prepared to have some part of it that they could still do, which you phrase as being a "big favor" to you rather than being something harmless you're fobbing off on them to keep them busy... Something like making sure the room gets decorated (when you're perfectly happy if there are no decorations at all) or checking their side of the family for dietary restrictions (when you're pretty sure Lukas knows them all).

[RegionMom]

Most of the weddings I have been in or to, had the rehearsal dinner with wedding party and close out-of-town guests included. 

It is traditional for the husband's side to pay for dinner, but since they are so hesitant, would it be possible for you and DF to take over and pay for it yourself?

[Autumn Rose]

My 2 cents

.... in 5 steps or less:


1.   Get a plan with your DF.   What would the 2 of you like?    Guest list.  Time. Date. Location.   

2.   Come up with a plan that you can live with - and PAY for.

3.   If anyone has "mentioned" that they would like to "help" - you can quietly mention that this is "the plan", and if they would like to contribute, you would be most appreciative.

4.  You take care of your side, he takes care of his.



Ultimately, you and DF are "in charge" of this event.   Many people have kind intentions...but dont have the finances/know-how/etc.

This can be a win-win for everyone.

You "control" how your rehearsal goes.
People who want/able to contribute...do
It is not the responsibilty of anyone else to make your vision come true.

Take control.   Be gracious.   Do it with a smile.

And they will love you for it!   

[kudeebee]

I'm still a little confused.  If the guest list has been made, then the people from your side who are invited can go ahead and make travel arrangements.  They don't need specifics for that, right?

The guest list is not made. I have asked her several times and even given her lists of all the people who are involved in the wedding rehersal and told her "You need to tell me who on this list is invited - eg. clergy people - and who else you are including." That way, I reasoned, we could at least tell them "There will be a dinner on X date and X pm, details TBA." But she has not told me who is invited - eg. my sister's partner, the clergy, etc. She HAS informed me that they're taking a long time "to keep costs down" and that for that reason they're going to invite only the "local grandparents", but that they're inviting her sister and brother in law because "they're travelling so far". So there is no guest list, no time, no decision about the meal, except that they want to have a "big party" but not pay much, so they asked "Would it be okay to not include your siblings if they're not in the wedding?"

I just want to be told "There will be a dinner. It will be at 8 pm on [date]. We will email/ call [names]." My parents are not arriving until 5 pm by plane for the wedding at the rehearsal is at 630. Marta has said "Oh, we thought of doing a rehearsal lunch because a lunch is cheaper at a restaurant." In that case, my parents will not even be there.

I think the bolded is where you made a mistake.  You gave her a list and told her to inform you who she will be inviting that is on the list.  She did inform you and it doesn't include your grandparent and non-wedding party siblings.

I agree with other posters that you and df need to sit down and talk about the dinner and come up with a plan.  Make a list of who you want to be present at the dinner (include addresses and phone numbers/emails).  Decide on the time that will work best--how long after rehearsal time.  Then have df talk with them.  He can word it as other posters have put it, so that you and he are wanting to finalize all the details, so will be glad to handle the details and set things up if mil/fil will give him a budget to work with.

Good luck!

[SPuck]

I think at the point you have to stop worrying about your FMIL's feelings because she isn't worrying about yours. Seriously, I can sort of understand not considering the brides extended family if your that clueless but your FMIL isn't taking into account your own parents. It is time to shore up your spine, and get your fiance in on this and say "We will be taking over the rehearsal dinner."